This feels scary posting. I am in a relationship that will be a year old in 2 1/2 months that is serious, monagomous and both of us have been married before, each divorced for about 8 years and both of us are Christian. We are not living together but share an evenings together when we can because we live over an hour away. He works nightshift and I work dayshift. With schedules if I visit it's during the day after he is home in the morning till late afternoon and if he visits he spends the afternoon and night. We both had serious problems with our ex's with mental health issues and are taking the slow road to committment, mine also was domestic violence. I had always thought a physical relationship belonged only in marriage; he did too, but after divorce and his needs not being met...he was sexually active. He *never* pushed the issue with me and after months of dating I offered the sofa to save the drive and found I could trust him. I discovered for the first time how much his patience, affection, steadfastness, conversation, kindness and support meant to me. I had told God that I needed to know whether I could be physically affectionate with someone I loved before I married them a few years ago. We were talking about what we each needed and what we had prayed about in regards to marriage. He said that his wife enjoying him physically was extremely important to him and I told him my concerns and why...very hard. We kept talking. Much later we began a physical relationship slowly that led to my encoutering and enjoying a healthy physical relationship much to my suprise and contentment. Now later, am realizing something...that disturbs me. My walk with God has deepened and I feel like I have significantly healed from past premarriage and marriage issues and want to continue with the physical relationship and with reawakening my walk with God feel like I have compromised myself though it is exactly what I had prayed for earlier for years. We have agreed we are both thinking marriage, and are skittish, and keep saying not sure what the future will bring, but we spend as much time with one another as schedules allow. He says he is happy with the relationshipand enjoys our time....and I have the inklings that I need to drop the level of physical intimacy which I think will be very difficult. He often tells me how much he enjoys talking, being with me and how we keep in touch via the net...and it is obvious how he feels about the physical relationship. I have realized I love him and still surrendering my independence and being dependent again is unnerving. I don't want to push the relationship to marriage unless we both are ready...and I don't want to rupture it by abruptly saying my standard for premarriage sexual behavior is changing and I care lot and realize I have come to love him deeply in a quiet way. He knows I care. I know he cares. What is the next step? How do I wait? What did I do wrong and how do I approach this? I never thought I'd ever want to be married again. I value the sanctity of marriage very highly. Very torn and this relationship and this man are very precious to me and I don't want to hurt either of us and know somehow I have to be honest about where I am. I told him a few weeks ago that my spirituality his deepening and that was feeling shifts and didn't know where they were leading which was the truth. I feel the deepening of our relationship and he has said similar things whenever we talk lately and physical just is a culmination of the whole relationship, but we are not committed for life...just to being monagonmous I have realized and only spend a day a week together because of distance though we are in daily contact. This is really difficult for me right now...never thought I'd be in this situation. Sorry for the length of the post.
