sorry I haven't been around much lately. I have been trying to put back my life the best I can (with Gods help) since David left. I miss him terribly but i find if I keep busy enough it doesn't allow me to dwell on the hurt, and lonliness. though this going to bed at 3 and getting up at 6 is a bit hard on me. I just can't sleep without him next to me. sometimes i wonder why i even try. <BR> I have also been taking this time to seek God and his will in my life. I know it is his will that David and I would be reconciled, but I have also come to the conclusion that that is not all that God wants for my life he has much more in store for me. so I will be patient and pray for my husband and pray that God will turn his heart toward home. but in the meantime I need to worry about me and my boys. I need to become the person God desires me to be and to also become the mother that he wants me to be. I can only change me and nobody else, and even for this challenge I will need God assistance. I am not worthy, but because of God's grace I am saved, I need to draw closer to my Lord and allow him to lead me through these valleys and trust Him to bring my prodigal home.<P>It is better to trust in the Lord than to have confidence in man. Psalm 118:8<P>I will be praying for you all, may God bless you all abundantly.<BR><P>------------------<BR>Irene

S & L,<P>you have started the journey. God is using this time to draw you closer to Him, because He wants you to want HIm. This has been the theme of my journey and a lot of others on this path as well. <P>Did I share with you the verse that has been so central: "Trust in the Lord with all your heart an lean not on your own understanding. The second past has taken on so much more meaning in the last several months. I don't know how God is working in my h's life and I can not trust what I see. I have to lean on the fact that His ways are not my way!<P>Begin the battle for your h's soul. I am reading Larry Crabb's book, "Connecting," It is so much more than the piece I am sharing but one aspect is struggling in prayer for your h's soul. You can not rescue him or save him but you can pray that the Lord work and allow all that is needed to work in both your hearts. God may just need to walk this path with your h a while, but you are following the right path, seeking the Lord with all your heart. That is your journey.<P>Crabb says that we should be praying for each other not only for our problems but for each others spiritual battles. <P>Where are you struggling spiritually?<P>I am struggling to make sure that I do not lean on my own understanding and stay with asking God to come in and be Lord over every aspect of my life. I realize i have been too self sufficient too long. I want to depend on Him. As I turn over various fears, and struggles He can then heal those pieces. <P>God may just need to allow my h and the ow time together, even living together to work through this. I have seen an increase of of challenges for my h. God is screaming at him, but I have to be quiet because one of the things he is opposed to me is that my religioon is all through my lfe. I don't even try to defent my position at least not until I hear the Lord tell me clearly to. God can work in my h's heart without my help. Praise the Lord.<P>I will pray for you S & L and I am glad that you know He is there for you.<P>I too don't go to sleep that early for different reasons, but I also think it has something to do with my h not being there. Excedrin PM really helps. At least it helps me to stay asleep ( I use just one).<P>hw

<BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>I need to become the person God desires me to be and to also become the mother that he wants me to be. I can only change me and nobody else, and even for this challenge I will need God assistance. <HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P>S&L, <BR>So sorry to hear you're having a rough time. I too believe that good things will come out bad, and it's important to live the best way that we can. I believe God has a plan for every person. I have such a hard time figuring what that plan is and what am I supposed to be doing in the meantime? I feel like I'm totally bombing out in the area where I change myself into the kind of person God wants me to be. Since you're in a difficult spot, and also trying to be the person God wants you to be, what kinds of feelings, thoughts, actions or prayers make you feel like you're on the right track? I hope this doesn't sound like a flippant or stupid question.

<BR>Thank you for your words of encouragement.<P>Hw, you ask where I am struggling spiritually. and right now that would be in the area of faith. I quite often compare myself to the disiple thomas, I tend to doubt rather than walk in faith. I have been working on this, with God's help. In my head I know the scripture I know what i should do, but in my heart it is another story. but I am learing faith is something you have to exercise. God has been faithful in helping me grow my faith. He has been giving me little blessing as if to say, "See I am here for you, you just need to believe even if you can't see my work". as an example: My husband came over on fathers day to take the boys with him for the day, but he let me take them to church with me before he took them, since he got here as I was about to leave for church and didn't want to go with us I let him stay at my house while we were gone. While we were gone he mowed my lawn front and back (I have a very large yard). to some people this is meaningless and insignificant, but take into account that he has not mowed my lawn in over a year. I am the one to do it. but he chose to mow my lawn and he doesn't even live here anymore. I find this very exciting because i know it is because God is working in there, in his heart somewhere, even though I see very little to show for it.<P>lonesome heart, no it is not a flipant or stupid question. and not sure I really know how to answer, I can tell you what I experience, but it may not be the same for you or anybody else. I pray "Dear Lord show me the areas of my life that you want me to work on and help me to change that that needs to be changed. I am a thick headed person (as you know) so please be blunt with me and make it obvious to me what needs to be changed." Well it has worked! like I ask God, "Please make it obvious" he does. like I said earlier I am working on increasing my faith right now. God has been bombarding me with all sorts of verses, stories, sermons on faith. Finally I said "Ok God, you are trying to tell me something here, help me to listen and to learn." and I have truely been learning. It has been a hard thing for me to learn, because of my childhood and background it is hard for me to put my faith in anything other than me. but I have been learning to put my faith in God and the difference it makes is miraculous. I think this is what God wants me to learn at this time because faith is the foundation in which we build our relationship with Christ, without faith that relationship wouldn't last. as far as being on the right track, I think if you are going down the path that God wants you on you will be at peace and you will be growing spiritually. I hope that helps your question some. <P>again thanks for the encouragement, it is greatly appreciated and much needed.<P><P>------------------<BR>Irene

<BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>I feel like I'm totally bombing out in the area where I change myself into the kind of person God wants me to be<HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P>Lonesome, God does the changing. It isn't so much trying to be "the kind of person" God wants. He has a plan for your lifem and it's for good. It is His desire to make you like Him, because that is good and the abundant life, rather than the bondage we all live in because of sin. I once heard that Michaelangelo looked at a slab of clay and saw (whatever he wanted to sculpt), such as an angel. He said "I want to set it free" (by sculpting it from the slab of clay). That is how God looks at us and what the changes accomplish in our lives. He uses many "sculpting tools", including relationships and circumstances in our lives. Some of those tools hurt, but they are all used lovingly, with our good in mind.<P>Consider these vereses:<P>"The Lord will accomplish what concerns me".<P>"Faithful is He who has called you, and HE also will bring it to pass". (Thessalonians)<P>"For I am confident of this very thing, that He who has begun a good work in you, will perfect it until the day of Christ Jesus." (Phillipians)<P>Be encouraged. You have been changing A LOT and I have seen growth. Be patient with yourself.<P>

SLW,<BR>Thank you once again for the encouragement, both here and on my thread in Emotional Needs. I am in such a financial crisis. It's too much for me handle alone, and my H simply pretends the problem doesn't exist. I do have a sense of peace, PTL, but the income is sufficient for bare bone basics and not a penny left over for paying down the debt. Like hw, I once felt self sufficient. Those days are long gone. I turned to my H when the financial crisis began, and he was absent (blamed everything on me and basically told me it was my problem no his). <P>Last August I came here and posted for the first time. I've been praying a LOT ever since. I began tithing in January and saw amazing results. Instead of having too little for bare bone basics, we suddenly had enough for the essentials. My creditors meanwhile are unattended. I am greatly perplexed at what to do. I have been on the verge of bankruptcy for a long time. I postpone the action because I want so very much to believe that all my needs will be met, not by my me or my H, but by God. I would have filed for bankruptcy already without that faith. I racked up a mountain of debt based on the belief that I would be sufficiently prosperous by now to pay it all back. Boy was that ever a huge mistake. Or was it? It led me to this difficult time where I've found faith once again, and for that I am grateful. I've learned such valuable lessons, and found such wonderful friends here at MB. SueB, if you're still visiting here, I've missed you. You were truly an angel on earth last year when you mentored me. <P>S&L, here I am blabbing about me on your thread. You are blessed to have an inner knowledge that your ideal path includes a reconciliation. You have a direction and a goal. I want very much the same thing. Meanwhile, I'm still at the same crossroads I was facing a year ago. I've progressed from totally clueless to partially clueless. Just enough light for the step I'm on, I reckon! SLW, thank you again for the passages.