hw, i am addressing this to you becuz you were the last one to reply to my post under should i stay or should i go? but this applies to all as well, I would like your opinions..<BR>well, just a little background...I am married to the man that I had an affair with, however my ex-husband is still holding on the hope that we will one day again be together, this has caused a great deal of confusion, guilt and pain in my life...hw, you seemed so convinced that my life should be with my 1st husband (covenant husband) and I started praying and asking God to please speak to me and if this is His will, let me find my way back to him, becuz alone, I can not do it.. I love my current h soo very much and really desire to work this out.. Im just having a hard time trying to figure out, if God is in this being that this is the man that I cheated on my first h with?? and even if i did return to my ex, I'm afraid the guilt of what I would do to my current h would follow me there,, well anyway I was reading a scripture in Deuteronomy chapter 24, it states when a wife has departed from her ex h house and goes and becomes another man's wife, if the 2nd husband decides to give her a divorce of if he dies, then her former husband who divorced her should NOT take her back to be his wife after she has been defiled for this is an abomination before the Lord.. hw, I value your opinions and I admire your courage i would really like your input, maybe my heart is just swayed towards making this marriage work. ...by the way, have you found a job?? My prayers are still with your family

brency,<P>i'm not sure I have an answer for you, actually. I think it is between you and God.<P>I'm wondering though, if you are so happy with your present husband, what brought up your thought to turn back to your covenant husband in the first place?<P>Also I think in a subsequent post you mentioned that there was some abuse on your first husband's part toward you. Is this true? If that is the case then I think you have to examine this.<P>I do believe that we can go back to our covenant spouses with God's help certainly not without it. I also believe that God does not believe in divorce. He allows us to make our own choices but our own choices are not necessarily the best and we often give up God's best for our 'secondary best.' However when there is abuse involved and that abusive partner has not dealt with his abusive patterns then I advise caution.<P>I have been reading a wonderful book called "Shattered dreams" by Larry Crabb.<P>What he says is that God allows our own dreams to shatter and from that pain we call out to God and we realize our own desire for HIm as well as His desire for us.<P>I am convinced more and more that these situations that we are all plagued by, or else we would not be here in the first place are about God. He allows the circumstances of our choices to bring us to a place where we want Him above all else. <P>I may have mentioned that my h and I are in divorce mediation these days. (A little digression) I do not want a divorce but I do not think God wants me to make a battle out of this situation nor does He need me to.I think He can work through this situation. In NY where I live it is a cause state. Meaning to file you must have cause. My h has no cause. However, after we have a separation agreement he can wait a year (as we are already separated) and then file. This actually turns into two years from the stand point of the time it takes to draw up the asgreement, three months then to file through courts, a year of separation from that point and then he would have to actually file and it would be another 3 months from then at least. <P>After the first two meetings somehow it got brought up that he isn't so keen with the ow at this point. The next two sessions therefore were more like therapy. Then last week again he said no I can't end it with her and so let's proceed.<P>I went home feeling pretty low down. I literally lay on the hard wood floor in soul ripping tears that night.I know God was ripping out more roots of strongholds. I realized that again wanting my marriage was more important then God to me and I had started pursuing this whole idea of trying. God whispered in my ear, don't get ahead of me. You need to do nothing but wait for him to come to you. During this time on the floor I was crying out to God and a desire for Him arose so deep inside me. That is all I wanted, Him. I awoke sat morning and went back to devotiopns and as the day wore on I felt more and more joy. I just felt at peace all day, and a closeness to God that I hadn't felt before.<P>Well, later that day my h called and asked to come over and talk. I figured it was a bout the kids. He worked out and called and said he had bough Chinese food and would bring it over. He said not to read too much into it. I said okay.<P>Well we ate and he didn't say anything about us but he did ask, me not to move an hour and a half away. It is mainly for him to be able to maintain a better relationship with his youngest. But I could see God's hand in this. He is realizing that this relationship with his daughter that was so close is not there as much. She is away at camp and has not comunicated with him at all and he is hurt. God can use all things. <P>I see God's hand working.He says at this point he is not ready to move in with the ow and that he hadn't even called her and she was expecting him to have called realitors and looked at places so she could move here.<P>I know my h is a very confused man at this point. He admitted that she had put most of the owrk into the relationship and he had not done much which is what I expected.<P>I guess the point is, after seeing no evidence for over a year that God was working at all on him, there it is. I do not know where it will lead and the great part is God has given me such a desire to know Him that I am not getting caught up in the roller coaster ride of my h's ups and downs (at least for now). My h even suggested he would like to have had relations, but I told him nope. I will not be an occassional prostitute, I want it all. When he is ready to commit to us etc... then I would be glad to.<P>I know that God has to walk with him down this road until he is willing to cry out to God himself and ask for Him. I do see some brokenness and he even admitted that the cost *money spent) the girls attitudes etc are getting to him. But he came to me and said it. He even said that this time of year was getting to him ( I think he meant that our anniversary was just around the corner) like it is today.<P>I don't expect to hear from him today (though it would be nice). I suspect that he has contacted the ow by now and who knows they may be on again. But God is working in his heart and He is not giving ,my h peace about the whole situation. I also see him asking how is it I could love him. God has to intice him through a love that he is being given that makes no sense.<P>Sodid this help you? Probably not.<P>I guess I shared this to say that this whole situation has more to do with God calling you into a deeper relationshhip with Him. He will have to remove the obsticles that get in the way of this, and it might mean going back to your ex or maybe not. <P>God is such a forgiving God full of mercy and grace! But He wants all of you. When you move to get closer to Him I think you will hear His calling clearer and know what to do in your heart whether it is what you want to do or not. The important question is are you able to give up your best ( or what you think is best) and accept God's best no matter what that is. Nothing will be perfect until we reach heaven. <P>God isn't that concerned about our happiness because that comes from the secondary best we choose. He wants to replace the temporary happiness or high we get from our best with the joy of His best. I do have to say I have been more joyfull all weekened and even through today.<P>I want my God and I want to know Him and I want to know His desire for me regardless whether my h comes back or not. I would not have been able to really mean that even last week let alone a year ago. <P>Don;'t get me wrong this is not a painless process and i'm sure there will be nore tears and oain for me as well. But when you feel deep within your soul a longing to know God it is a pain for Him and joy does take over.<P>Crabb's book is very interesting and certaily challenges our normal view of things. But that is the point. God's view is higher than ours and we cannot lean on our own understanding of things. Until you are willing to walk this road all else is a secondary gain and temporary happiness at the best and it is the least in the eyes of God. He has so much more He wants to bless us with.<P>Bency. You have a difficult choice. You have to look to God and ask yourself why are you even questioning it.<P>I pray God's peace and rest on you while you search your heart and let go and let God. He is the best choice of it all.<P>hw

hw, thanks for replying with words that were almost to hard to hear but i thank you.. lately I've been battling within myself feeling so distant and lost from my Lord and it's exactly for the reason you stated.<P>For so long I have put my current husband where God should be, #1 in my life. I been so busy trying to make this work or deciding what I should do when all God really asks of me is to let him handle it. I have felt for awhile like I'm not where I should be in my walk with God and I get so convicted becuz I never want to feel as if I've lost my awe of him becuz my God is AWESOME!...<P>Thanks for confirming what I've felt in my spirit for some time now, I appreciate your obedience to the Lord to let him use you to speak to hardheaded people like myself. Smile.<P>I have read your previous posts and my heart aches for you becuz you have been so patient and I think it's important that we stand on the promises of God...that our perseverance and persistance will prevail.. I know you are the better woman! and your husband knows this too.. keep interceding on your husband's behalf becuz God is going to do a mighty work in your life.. my prayers are with you

Dear Brency,<P>Hw's words to you were outstanding; all I would have said and more. Remember that feelings of peace comes from God, turmoil and agonizing over decisions from the enemy. Someone on this forum told me once that if I was in doubt about a decision, don't do anything myself and ask the Lord to take care of it for me. <P>I also believe as hw does, that marriage is a covenant, never to be broken. "What God has joined together, let no man tear asunder". Keep prayin Brency, pouring your heart and soul out to the Lord. He hears your every cry, and He wants to heal your heart. It is during these trials that the Lord draws us closer to Him, and we can grow in the Spirit with Him. The last two years have been a major trial for me, and I am closer to the Lord than I have ever been. I praise God for the work He is doing in me. Praise Him, Brency, for bringing you through this. He loves you so much, and wants to help you. Reach out to Him, and let Him carry you through. <P>A website that may be helpful to you is <A HREF="http://www.covenantkeepers.org." TARGET=_blank>www.covenantkeepers.org.</A> I'm praying for you brency.<P>May the Lord bless you,<P>AW<P>hw - I was so glad to read your post. Dear sister, I think of you often, and when I do, I send up a prayer for you and your husband. God is working, each hour that passes is another hour closer to the revelation of your miracle! Love and prayers,<BR>AW