How do I get through to my husband that the Lord meant for us to be together and that we both need to fight for our marriage. I believe my husband still loves me. Sometimes I want to believe that he is feeling such guilt over this relationship with this other woman is for him to withdraw from me and God and pretend that it never happened but in the meantime I am beating myself up because why is the Lord testing me and not him? How come the Lord is not punishing my husband for what he has done? Why am I paying for it?

Ell,<P>I know that pain and the questions. I have been on this path for so long. But I have come to see God's mighty hand through it all. I still don't have my h back but I do have a closer relationship with the Lord, and I am a changed person, better equipped to be in a relationship now, when and if He chooses to reunite my h and myself.<P>I have learned that I was so self sufficient that I didn't need anyone not even God. <BR>I was such a control freak and had become so obsessive in the last 6 years trying to make this relationship work with my h.<BR>I didn't set boundaries well.<BR>I didn't have a clue how to be intimate with anyone especially God. In fact I ran from it and didn't even realize it.<BR>I didn't have such an other centered love that I thought I had.<BR>I didn't know how to appraoch my h and tell him when I felt my boundaries were being crossed.<BR>I wasn't willing to sit back a bit and let God work with my family, I wanted to rescue them or do it for them, (not a good idea).<BR>I wasn't totally dependent on God.<BR>I didn't know how to let go.<BR>The control thing was so hard. He is still peeling payers of that from me. Ripping the roots (very long roots in fact) from my soul still.<P>Read my answer to bency about God's current workings in me.<P>There is no doubt about it a spouse having an affair is the most gut wrenching pain anyone can feel (except for loosing a child perhaps). The spouse says such horrible things and denies that there ever was anything good between you even. It is a rough road. But from this pain, from this death to your relationship God is capable of bringing new birth, to you, your husband and even a restored marriage.<P><BR>But you have to be willing to walk the road with Him, God. He will change you and He will chage your husband. He will change the way you relate. And although it is so hard to keep your hands off it and so very very hard to wait you must. Don't try to do it yourself and come in and try to take it back from God before His work is done in it all. <P>He wants you to desire Him and Him only above all things. In traveling this journey with Him you will find things out about God that will change the way you look at everything. He is the Lord and He wants to be Lord over every part and aspect of your life. His best is the best and although He does not want you to divorce He does want you to want Him above your husband even. You have to be willing to let Him take away what you think is best and bring you to a place that you want to receive His best for you.<P>Two books that might help: 1) "Just enough light for the step I am on," by Stormie O'Martin and 2)"Shattered dreams," by Larry Crabb.<P>These are both great books that have given me tremendous insight.<P>Let go of your h, your marriage, yourself and your dreams. Become a prayer warrior for your h and family. Then the hard part, wait on God. During the waiting seek God with all your heart. Not for the answers to your situation but to know Him. He will change your heart and bring you blessings you couldn't even dream about. He is the Lord, and He loves you and desires you more than you can even imagine. He wants you to find your desire for Him in the same way.<P>I pray for you peace and rest in Jesus<P>hw<P><BR>

I am currently reading "So You Call Yourself A Man?" by Bishop T.D. Jakes. There is a chapter in it that says Refuse to Play the Blame Game. Another says that God Wrestles With You Alone.<P>The week before my H confessed, I felt compelled to fast and I did not know why. He left the house for several days again and all I did was read my Bible and meditate, praying. When he came back home, he told me about the A and other things. I found myself wanting him to hurt, I wondered why if he has a history with females who have cheated on him, would he wait to marry me, then cheat on me, since I have only been with him sexually since we have been together. <P>I found myself focusing on his wrongs, and I was judging him. It was keeping me angry, I was whining: God why am I hurting? Why would you let him get away with this? Etc., etc. When I humbled myself and said "God forgive me, I am not his judge and he hurt You before he hurt me. Help me let go and do as You would have me".<P>As the weeks passed, I would ask my questions, he admitted he was actually suffering physical difficulties from being deceitful and dishonest with me....He told me how it really was, and now we are in a phase where he does not know where the baby is. He does want to be part of that child's life, but he cannot find the OW or the child. He is suffering there too. And now I really feel sorry for him, his pain. But this is why when you are married, you do not have sex with anyone but your spouse!!!! DUH!<P>It won't be instant necessarily. God won't take the feelings away all at once. But He will give you what you need to deal with them as they come. Remember the glass is half full, not half empty. In other words, do not focus on what is gone, focus on what you do have. If you don't want to forgive the brother, tell God just that! Then ask Him to help you to forgive him, the OW and yourself for any shortcomings you know we all have anyway. You know, that is love- knowing that strange stuff, and still caring and doing what you are supposed to. Ask God to love him through you, because you don't feel like you can right now. I'm telling you everything I did, and that I still have to do to be the wife God chose me to be. Where there is breath, (life) there is hope!!!