I have only been married a short time. I had never been married before, neither had my husband. Most of the time we are happy, but once a week we have a huge fight almost about the same subject, which is his looking at other women. We have been over this time and time again, we make amends, he says he is not looking at anybody "that way", I decide I am going to believe him, although I caught him looking, I try to "close my eyes" and make myself believe that he is really happy with me so that he does not have the need to be gawking at other women but then the weekend comes and we go out and I catch him looking again. This past week it happened at a family meeting, he was looking and looking and looking at one of the wives there, she is returning the looks, he tries to pretend that he simply happens to be looking that way, and turns to look when he thinks I am not watching. She is also touching him as she talks trying to pretend its just normal, he does not pull his arm away or his hand and I am sitting next to him feeling like an idiot. Then I finally look at him letting him know that I am noticing what's going on. He looks sad at me, but a while later he starts looking again. We come home, and I am not saying anything, what for? I am so tired of that subject, and I am so tired of his behavior. He knows something is wrong and he knows what it is, but he pretends he does not know anything until next day when he sees that I am still very unhappy. He leaves to go play golf, and I am here sitting and trying to get a direction on what to do. He says that there is something wrong with me and I am starting to wonder if there is. Am I seeing "things", or is it what I see the reality? Am I going mad? Am I loosing my mind?. I don't know what to do, I know that I can not live with him this way, I know that I will not be able to take much more of his looking at other women. What do I do? Do I make my bags and leave? or should I keep on waiting for a miracle?. I love him and I am very afraid that we are going to end up separating because of this issue. please somebody help me tell me what to do. Thanks.

I dont' post here often, however when I read your post I just had to reply. I know how you feel. Damn it, YOU are his wife, YOU are his girl, YOU are the one that he is supposed to be giving those special looks to all the time, so WHY WHY WHY is he giving them to other women? I have felt this way oh so often, and I've been married almost 27 years. Until I MADE my H see how I was feeling, and made him see how his behaviour made me feel like nothing, like I was part of the furniture... he had no clue. I don't mean to make you feel bad, but a man will treat you the way you LET him treat you and unless you make him understand that you are very unhappy with the way he makes you feel, he will keep doing it. The problem is you have to do it in a construstive way, non threatening otherwise he will just think you are being a pain in the a$$. Come on to him, tease him, try to make him see another side of you that will knock his socks off. Dont' let these other bimbo's get the better of you. He saw something in you that made him want to spend the rest of his life with you, now KNOCK HIS SOCKS OFF! I know its easier said than done, but try to be like what you think they are being for him, trust me it will take him so off guard. Only my opinion, but I know how you feel and I'm just putting myself in your shoes 25 yrs. later.<BR>GOD BLESS and GOOD LUCK

I can attest to what doesn't work. Maintaining a silence and allowing him to pretend nothing's wrong is highly unlikely to bring the results you want. It doesn't work for me anyway, and I'm still continuing with the behavior. My counsellor gave me an interesting chart that describes a healthy relationship and two ways to have unhealthy relationships. I fall smack dab 100% into the left column -- the one where one spouse is afraid/reluctant/unable/or whatever to be assertive (that would be me). <P>You mentioned weekly disagreements, then you mentioned being silent in response to the last episode. I see a red flag... or is it a white flag? Are you surrendering your willingness to assert yourself? Is he expecting you to accept something that hurts you? It's a tough spot. All the materials you'll read about marriage builder, divorce busting, boundaries have a common theme. We can only control ourselves. Only we have control over how we react. I'm still struggling with the boundary issues myself, and I feel a great need to assert myself, but the longstanding pattern of silence is hard to break. Your marriage is still young. You can't force him to change. And he can't force you to tolerate something you find unacceptable. Only you can do that... or not.

dear confused newlywed,<P>I wrote this reply yesterday and somehow lost it when I went to post it? I just don't understand sometimes.<P>Well, I myself have experienced this sort of thing. If God allows my h and I to be together again it is something I too will have to deal with. So, I have given it a lot of thought.<P>I do not tink you are wrong for pointing this out to your husband. It is a bad habit that a lot of guys have.They explain it away as a guy thing and they somehow believe that it is their right. They have no idea how it hurts you and think you are over reacting if you do. Their ,"I'm not looking at anyone else that way, just looking," is disarming. It makes you feel like you are nuts in thinking anything. That is just a way of throwing you off, so they can have their cake and eat it too.<P>Point being, if it hurts you then he should grow up and not do it.<P>I would approach this with him directly. I would not pout or stomp arpound, I would talk to him and tell him how much it hurts him. How would he like it if you were always looking at men in the same way. You know it would hurt him, men are so easily bruised.<P>Also, I not so sure that either he is naive and doesn't understand that these other women that cozy up to them really are open to having affairs, or that he is in denial thinking that he is steonger than the temptation, he probably is not.<P>Nagging and sulking are not the answer. YOu could say something like, "Honey, when you look at other women it really hurts me. It makes me feel like I am no more important than the furniture you sit in to watch the ball game. Is that how you really feel about me?" You can also add something to the effect of "You know how much I desire you and enjoy our time intimately together, but when I see you talking and looking that way at other women it sort of kills my desire for you and for us to be together."<P>Withdrawing and nagging will never solve the problem. I used withdrawl in my marriage and in the end it is what killed a lot of the intimacy. It robbed us of a relationship along with my h's affairs.<P>The fact may actually be that your h is scared of real intimacy. Often when they seek other women because it boost's their self esteem... it means that they are substituting it for real intimacy.<P>Intimacy means that you create a safe place for both of you to be yourselves, let it all hang out. You know that te other will not reject you no matter what you say, but you challenge the inappropriate stuff. You work on knowing each other in ways that you never have before with anyone. Unfortunately we don't have a very good idea what this looks like in our "quick fix, feel good culture."<P>It does tak work and it does take committment on both parties.<P>I also agree with lonesome. Men are visual. What does that mean for your h. "Honey, I really like pleasing you, what really turns you on?" Then i would share with him what turns you on and I would act on it and hopefully he will. Surprise him when he least expects it with being dressed in whatever way turns him on and then seduce him. It really can be fun! Turn into a lioness in the bedroom. Show him that he is not missing anything from anyone else because you will take care of his fantasies. Now this doesn't mean doing anything that you are uncomfortable with if it is a bit out of the ordinary. But it does mean talking about why it doesn't feel okay for you. heck talking about it can be a turn on.<P>You might suggest some short term counselinmg. If he says that your problems are not so bad, stick to your guns because that is when the best work can be done. You are newly married and marriage is hard. If you haven't had good models then counseling can help. If real intimacy is difficult for either or both of you, it can also help by creating a safe place to explore these issues.<P>Your marriage is worth it. You are young, much can change. Marriage should be about committment, encouraging each of you to grow to God's potential for you both. Growing together and relating well as time moves on. <P>Don't forgrt to become a praying wife. One of the best gifts you can give to your husband and marriage is to pray for him. Pray together also another gift.<P>Love is a gift you give to each other every day. It is not about feeling good and that should not be the barometer of your relationship. That ois unless you are miserable all the time then there is something wrong. Don't be quiet or withdraw. Handle it straight on. <P>Realise that ever since the fall in the Garden of Eden, men feel inadequate and women like to control. But as women when we control and help our h's out we sometimes are not help mates but more like mothers. Willing to rescue them from the consequesces of their actions and to give in to their whims too much.<P>Remember Harley's agreement. Neither of you should engage in any behavior that makes the other uncomfortable or hurts them. It is a good one.<P>OI will pray for you <P>hw

In my situation, my H knows he has a problem. He does make effort not to look at other females, though he does look at times. He knows how he feels when I admire one particular actor that I find attractive. Yes, I am into God's Word. Yes, I am married. And yes, I know I am still human. I make it my business not to disrespect my H by Staring. I know I have never had a problem meeting men, so if I was to stare, or "keep looking" I will take that where it is supposed to go. So I cut my losses and I do not, my H faces himself daily. He does not look or stare when we are together. When females approach him, he tells me about it. If someone approaches me, I tell him about it. We cover each others back that way. Kind of like telling it on ourselves. In our own little ways, we each let the other know do not cross that line. I also had to decide for myself how I really felt about this issue. I didn't want to be bickering over it every week either. Most of all I had to realize there is nothing wrong with how I look-- I am FINE!!!