Okay, guys and gals -- or just gals [img]images/icons/wink.gif" border="0[/img] -- here's the deal:<p>Something happened to me. Something WONDERFUL happened to me. I have HOPE! I have hope for the first time in three years, maybe longer!!<p>I know it sounds weird, considering I got married earlier this year... one would think I had hope then... but I didn't. I loved him, but I didn't have any real hope to be happy. I thought I'd feel cherished by him (and I did and do), but I thought I didn't deserve it, and was destined to feel this underlying feeling of guilt and of being a failure forever. <p>I know that those negative feelings were JUST FEELINGS and WERE A LIE. <p>I sound like a sap. I'm sorry 'bout that... but I'm so excited because I don't feel this cloak of negativity looming over me. WHAT A WEIGHT HAS BEEN LIFTED.<p>I have received many gifts over the last several months, but most especially over the last several weeks. They have been tangible gifts (like my Katie book, and looking forward to the POPW book which is coming in the mail this week!), and some have been less tangible but powerful nonetheless (like an unprompted hug from my step-daughter, or a letter from my daughter, or a chat with an MB friend that opened my eyes to a truth I'd never seen)... <p>I feel blessed... and have felt hope for about four days in a ROW - LOL!! That's a record, I tell ya... [img]images/icons/smile.gif" border="0[/img] <p>I used to be an optimist ... I used to see the good in people ... and then one day I lost it. It was never recovered -- until NOW.<p>I thank God, and I thank each of you who have stayed by me, prayed for and with me, and even those who have hurt me... I have learned hard lessons. <p>Thank you God, for sticking with me, and giving me these deeply appreciated gifts of love and friendship... IJN, Amen!

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That's great news! How'd it happen? Was it a light bulb moment?

Thanks for dropping by and commenting ( [img]images/icons/grin.gif" border="0[/img] ) TnT and LH...<p>It's so nice to be *UP* instead of down!! [img]images/icons/smile.gif" border="0[/img] <p>Hemmm... light bulb moment? Not exactly, but kind of... let me explain:<p>It all began in a log cabin in 1426, in the hills of... no, that's not it... I'm in waaaay too good a mood! [img]images/icons/rolleyes.gif" border="0[/img] <p>Truly, I feel it began in 1998, a few months before my 40th birthday. A cursory search, if you're so inclined (on the new_beginning number, found in my sig line) will tell you what was going on shortly after that time... let's just say I had a mid-life crisis, was far away from God, far away from my (then)H and that, one day (which can be pin-pointed) I felt like my soul died. I was never "the same" after that day -- still am not --- but I'm better now, which I have not said since that day three years ago.<p>Okay, what changed? It was not a lightbulb, but a series of little bulbs... maybe like those chasing lights on houses you see at Christmastime these days... the little tiny lights that start slow and get faster and faster, chasing each other.<p>I suppose it began when I began counseling wtih Liz, the Episcopal priest who became my biggest supporter, and when I actually filed for divorce, and then left my (then)H. Maybe each event was a tiny light... <p>...and married my H... another tiny light... and even little tiny events like talking to this guy, Dogbert, on the EN's board, who got me to open my Bible (to refute him, you understand [img]images/icons/wink.gif" border="0[/img] , but I opened it, for the first time in a long time)...and so on...<p>With each forward event, the little lights began to shine... but not a big AHA moment, just little moments.<p>And then, three weeks ago, some bigger things (although I didn't realize they were bigger until now) began to happen.<p>There was, of course, the gift from an MB friend, the "care package" that contained my "Katie" book, and all the neato things I described to you guys last week, the things that *should have* made me feel good...<p>Underlying all this though, was a thread of something... another MB friend told me something -- gosh, about four months ago now -- and I'd forgotten, or maybe was just too frightened to accept it -- she said I had GREAT THINGS to accomplish here in Canada. This same friend was praying for me all throughout this phase, and finally, last week reached out to me in a different way, and we spoke for the first time on IM. She and I talked about things I had talked about with others, but it was different. It was as if she KNEW WHAT I WAS THINKING. It was almost scary, which I told her, but I *knew* it wasn't *her*... it was God. He told me it was safe to say what I'd wanted to say all along -- there was ONE THING that was holding me back more than any other, and it had to do with my ex-H. I opened up to her in a way I'd never done with ANYONE. It took the weight right off of my shoulders, but added none to her shoulders. It wasn't that kind of secret... it was, instead, something I needed to let go of... and so I did. I gave it to God.<p>So, yes, you can look at it as a lightbulb moment, but to me, she and all the others who have touched me in the last three years... who have propelled me forward...(God-inspired to be sure) turned the chasers on and the lights started twinkling and chasing wildly all around me. There were MANY events, and people, and even strangers... too many to name, but there nonetheless... and of course, there is the element of time -- I needed time to heal, to accept the end of my marriage--esp. given that I had chosen to marry too soon afterward, and caused myself some undeserved (but obvious) added pain. <p>I hope I don't make everyone sick with my chirpiness... it's been sooooooo long.... so very long, since I felt this much hope for the future. I know I'll fall down again, because I am human, but for today, I am relishing this...

Praise God, Nyneve! A song comes to mind: "I command you, Satan, in the name of the Lord, to pick up your weapons and flee! For God hast given me authority... TO WALK ALL OVER THEE!" [img]images/icons/smile.gif" border="0[/img] <p>Walk on, sister. Walk on. [img]images/icons/smile.gif" border="0[/img] We have the victory in Jesus.<p>Glad to hear that the negative force has lifted. May God bless you further with increased awareness and fellowship with His Spirit and the love of God in Christ.<p>Many blessings to you. I bless you in the name of the Lord.<p>Love in Christ,<p>Laura

Hi Laura_Lee,<p>I know!! I almost can't believe it... it's been SO LONG since I felt like this. <p>My new thing (well, a friend and I are trying together) to stop saying curse words... even pretend ones, like "crap" or "friggen"... you know, ANY words that even MEAN the bad ones. <p>I'm not trying to stop my H or my kids or anyone else from cussing, but it's amazing that already I notice my H saying sorry when he uses one of the really bad ones. I know, I'm a 42 year old woman and if I really want to let one rip, I'm entitled and an adult... but it does feel good to clean up the bits of bad language that had creeped into my daily talking -- even when I wasn't even mad or anything [img]images/icons/shocked.gif" border="0[/img] ... <p>Okay, okay, I'm done... and I hope I don't live to regret sharing all this (it would be embarrassing! [img]images/icons/blush.gif" border="0[/img] ) but my heart is sooooo in the right place!!