Hi everyone,<p>Well Wed. is the first cort case for the DVP (Domestic Violance Protective order) hearing. I still do not know what to do. Do I ask to keep it in place or do I ask to not have it.<p>Mom wants me to keep it in place. I have not filed any charges against Tony even though he has broken it several times. I have come to the realization that I am affraid that he will punish me if I do. Tony always had a way of punishing me for things I did that he did not like. <p>I am scared to have the DVP and I am scared not too. I have to protect myself from him and his family. I know that while Tony is on his meds he is lucent and normal but I am worried about when he is off of them. <p>I want to remain friends with him but not sure if that is the best thing. I hate to get the DVP because I feel at times I have been no better than him. I have reacted to him in negative ways. When he had his friends here and I kicked him out I pushed him through the door and locked him out of the house. So I feel that I am no better but Mom said I was protecting myself from him? I feel that violence should not be used yet I used it. <p>I want to see Tony go to anger management. I would and want to go to it as well. I am going to try and find a class for me. <p>Most of all I am so affraid to see his Mother. She has hated me from day one. You have no idea how awful of a person she is. I am affraid that I will not be nice at all to her. I can loose my patience very easy and I need to stay calm, together for the entire ordeal.<p>It is going to be trying for me and Tony...please let me know what you think I should do. I know I am not very clear. It is very late and I should go to sleep but any advice would be great.

Yes dear Paha, you must keep it enforced and you must become disciplined in reporting when Tony breaks the order. You are loving yourself as God's daughter to protect yourself as God works on changing you into His image and you are loving Tony in a bold way so that he will continue to get the help that he needs. To drop the order would not be loving him but as you say is a reaction to fear and God is not the author of fear. And right now, I am not sure that you will be able to be "friends" with Tony. Friends respect and honor one another and it must be both ways. I don't see that happening in this relationship right now. And as far as his mother goes, the question to ask yourself is "so what if she doesn't like me or gets mad?" Her anger is her problem and you certainly can see where her son learned this behavior. Pray for her, ask God to touch her in a special way....remember about the heaping of coals.....<p>AS far as you feeling guilty about your own behavior goes, if you recognize sin, confess it, ask forgiveness for it and let go of it. God wipes the slate clean and each day is a new one for you to practice what God teaches you. Satan throws the past in your face, renounce him and remind yourself that your confessed sin has been thrown as far away as east is from the west. Because of Jesus we already have the victory. The best picture I can think of is when Jesus held his arms out to Peter when he revealed himself to them, loved and forgiven.<p>Allow yourself to be loved by the king.

HI Paha,
Yes, I agree that you need to keep this in place.
(((((hugs))))) cl

Well Paha, although I think you DO need to keep it in place, I have a different take on this. Have you read Gavin DeBecker's book, The Gift Of Fear? In it, he speaks of knowing when it is best NOT to enforce these types of orders - for YOUR safety. Let me explain:<p>Only YOU know if this will push him over the edge. Sometimes, the order will anger the abuser so much that they "lose it"... I know, it sounds like it puts the onus on the abused... but it's like this... a person *should* be able to walk down the street in the middle of the night in a bad neighborhood and not be attacked, but the REALITY is that it isn't safe to do so... so you choose not to do it. <p>I'd be very tempted, if you do fear that this will push him over the edge, to go to a shelter - go into HIDING. <p>These kinds of situations are very individual... only you know the best course of action.<p>REMEMBER - YOUR SAFETY IS THE MOST IMPORTANT THING!!!!!<p>((((((((((Pahakissa))))))))))

Hi everyone,<p>SueB, CL, and Sheryl thank you so much for your answers.<p>I went to the YWCA and spoke with the advocate taht will be present with me during the DVP hearing. She said I should prepair myself for the posability that I will not get the final DVP order. The state supreme court has ruled in the past six weeks that a final DVP can only be obtained where there is physical abuse. In their eyes emotional abuse does not count. <p>This means that since Tony attacked my Mother and not me I have a very slim chance of getting the final DVP. The only way I can prove physical abuse is if I can convience the judge that Tony was going to try and hit me but my Mother would not allow him to pass. It will be hard to show intent to harm me. <p>I have also gathered estimates on having the window fixed and the lockes changed. Please pray that the judge orders Tony to pay for them. The locks alone cost 200USD. I have zero money for that right now. I am not sleeping well. Tony still has a set of keys to the house and all his drug friends know what is in the house. Who knows some of them might have had keys made and are just waiting for the right time. <p>As far as staying friends with him. The more I think about it the more I hate the idea. I need a new life. I went to church on Sunday and everyone was so nice to me. It felt so good. Being at the YWCA today really showed me that I have a purpose in life. I want to join the abused women's group that meets and then over time see if I can help out in any way. There just seems to be such a need in this community that I was no aware of. My story is no where near as awful as so many others. <p>I know excatly what Tony is capable of. He will get pissed and will not leave me alone till he finds someone new. He was cheating on me with Nikki but it seems that has fizzled. Tony is under the impression that he owns me. He is in thearpy but who knows for how long. I am going to request the judge orders him to anger management classes. I am trying to find some free classes but now that the Notre Dame College is closing there are none. I will keep looking.<p>PS.. as far as the job interview last night. I did not get it. But when a door closes a window opens. I have a job interview on Friday. So pray for tomorrow and friday. You women are so wonderful!!!!!!!!

Hi Paha,
I think Sheryl has a good point. Part of my snail's pace strategy is keeping a steady pressure on my H. Several people have expressed concern about my safety. I've never seen my H be violent. As my counselor pointed out though, people can become unpredictable in situations like this. I know I've expended a lot of patience, and I keep my cool most of the time. Sometimes I blow a gasket, which for me means raising my voice and going into what I call my crazed drill sargeant mode. I yell and let it out. Then I feel better. My H does the same thing, but I can't help but wonder if his gasket blowing could escalate now that he's going to the vet center. He said the vet center would "make him mean." Those words stick in my mind, and I cannot ever dismiss completely that my safety could be at risk. So I prod him along one teeny tiny step at a time in hopes of making progress, but not so much that he'll go balistic. You know Tony better than anyone. Going into hiding could be the only way to be safe from him, with or without a protective order. There's just one thing certain: you will benefit from his absence!!! <p>I don't know anything about court proceedings or the "climate" in the courts these days. I think in terms of how things *should* be in the world according to LH. So, according to ME, it is irrelevant that Tony hasn't assaulted you directly. The thing to stress to the court is how UNSAFE you feel. Tell the court about the strangers he brought to your house. Tell the court how he assaulted your mother, or better yet would be having your mom there to say it herself. He's already demonstrated his capacity for violence. He's demonstrated what a deadbeat he is. He's threatened suicide, which is harm to himself. Tell the court how you take such comments seriously. Tell the court how much you care for the Tony he used to be, but that Tony is nowhere in sight. The Tony in front of you today is one who frightens you, who threatens you, and who makes you feel unsafe. You have an obligation and a duty to speak the truth tomorrow! Be brave. The court needs to hear what you have to say, and so does Tony.