Today is the two-week anniversary of separation. I was a bit discouraged at first because I was continuing to have such difficulty in accomplishing things. I do have a lot on my plate. I work a parttime job 25 hours a week, another very parttime job 4 to 8 hours a week, plus run a home business (things are very backlogged there). Plus my time here. [img]images/icons/grin.gif" border="0[/img] I'm just plain exhausted. The last few encounters with H have been either bizarre or unpleasant, further adding to my stress level. <p>At last my energy level is perking up. I do a little bit of feng shui each day. Two nights ago I had a dream that I could actually remember. Over the last three years, my inner voice went dormant, and I've been unable to remember a single dream. My dream was sneaking into a furniture store and sleeping there overnight so I could be sure I'd like a mattress. I don't think I need to pay a dream analyst to figure out I need something more comfortable to sleep on! I was encouraged that I could finally remember a dream. <p>Last night the chapter on feng shui was talking about intuition. The exercise said an illustration is located on page 177 and to imagine what it looks like. My first thought was, it could be anything! I tried anyway and conjured up an image of a house surrounded by trees. I was right! I was thrilled. <p>Today I had a setback when I was ready to head for the bank. The folder containing some papers and my paycheck was nowhere to be found. I've been absentminded lately. I went to the mailbox last night, but I don't think I'm so wacked out that I mailed it. After that I went to a convenience store for a gyros. Someone could've stolen the folder, even though I could see my truck the whole time (but I wasn't paying attention). My mortgage is already late, and now I have no paycheck. Ah well, worse things could happen. I decided to stop searching for the folder and not worry about it. <p>Just now I completed something I've wanted for a long time. New rollers on the patio door. It's been hard to open and close for years, and my mr fixit man never would do it. I asked once, which seems to have the effect of placing my request as the last thing he'll ever do. If I repeat the request, even if it's a year later, then I'm nagging him. If I attempted to do it myself, I'd get pointers on everything I was doing wrong, absent the information on how to do it RIGHT. Four months ago, I bought new rollers and left them on the table in plain sight. They sat there three weeks, and then I took them back. He ran after me, saying he was going to take care of it. I told him, the next three weeks won't be any different than the previous three weeks. There was ample opportunity to do something during that time, and he chose not to. It was shortly after that episode that I asked for a separation. <p>That's the history behind the *(&@$ patio door, just in case you're wondering why it's such a big deal. I can now use one finger to open that door. I go through that door multiple times daily, and now it's a joy rather than a constant reminder of resentment and neglect from my past. It's also a good faith effort on my part to be a better steward of my home. I had a long list of things to do at the computer, but the lost paycheck scattered my concentration. I'm feeling pretty good right now!

HI LH, been wondering how things were going. Stay the course. (((((hugs))))) cl

More good news. This morning I gave my patio door a good yank, as years of conditioning has trained me to do, and was delighted when it flew open with ease. I'm slogging through my backlog and making progress. That folder I couldn't find ANYWHERE magically appeared today. Whew. I was certain it was a red folder, and it turned out to be a manila folder. <p>I am plagued with episodes of absentmindedness which lead to careless mistakes that make my life more difficult. I know it's a sign of stress. Even though things are better in the last two weeks, I know my stress level continues to be high. I'm hanging in there.

Hey LH,<p>You want to come and fix my dripping water pipe in the basement? I need to go to Home Depot and get something to fix it. <p>I bet you feel like super woman. Sometimes it is nice to be validated that we are able body adults.<p>How are you holding up?

fix fix fix.....<p>hmmm...<p>LH - how about doing some good things for you once in a while - to deal with your stress level?<p>How about some candelight calgon nights? Some fun magazines? Or a cozy evening all to yourself with you and HGTV? <p>You deserve some self-rewarding for all the progress that you have been making! <p> [img]images/icons/cool.gif" border="0[/img] [img]images/icons/cool.gif" border="0[/img] [img]images/icons/cool.gif" border="0[/img] [img]images/icons/cool.gif" border="0[/img] [img]images/icons/cool.gif" border="0[/img]

Good to hear from you tnt and paha. Paha, hope your drip is something simple enough for plumbing tape to fix. To prattle on about my patio door some more, it was particularly irksome to me that H refused to fix it because he used to be the maintenance guy for a hotel. He had the know-how to fix it, but he'd rather let me suffer daily aggravation. What goes through his mind is truly a mystery to me. That mystery kept me captivated with curiosity for a long time. I've lost interest. What a tormented soul he must be. <p>tnt, I take a lot of bubble baths by candlelight as my self nurturing measure. After the dust settles, one thing I want to do is spend time with my mom going through photos. When I get the bankruptcy papers filed, I can start answering my phone again. What a mess I got into there. I probably have liens on the house by this point. A few months down the line, I may need to sell the house. In the meanwhile, I'll continue with my feng shui decluttering. I've heard lots of stories about people getting their house in tiptop shape in order to sell, and then things suddenly work out to where selling isn't necessary. I'd sure love to win the lottery. I could set up a nonprofit organization and put you in charge tnt!

haha! Wouldn't that be cool?<p>Actually, getting ready to post a thread about a prayer request. I have an opportunity to apply for Ex. Director at our local United Way. Resume needs to be in by the 15th. <p>I can certainly do the work, and do it well - but I don't have that darn degree. A week ago they had 18 applicants for the position. But, who knows? With God, all things are possible! The Lord gave me a job once where I was selected over people with Masters degrees - and did a good job, I think. (Refugee Resettlement)..... so who knows, - oh, I know.... Jesus!<p>You sound like you are hitting the anger stage of your separation with your H - angry with him because of his refusal to meet your needs - even needs that would be easy for him to meet, like fixing the patio door. That hurts, LH.<p>Anyway, you keep doing the good job of taking care of yourself. You DO deserve it!<p>TNT

I've already sent several prayers tnt for you to get the united way position. Good luck! I know you'd do a good job. <p>That was an interesting observation about the anger stage of separation. I believe you're right. My marriage has been a non-marriage for such a long time that I've already done a lot of grieving over it. I suppose it's like having a loved one who slips away slowly. You might grieve while they're still around, but when they pass on, you still have grieving to do yet again. <p>I imagine I'll be in the anger stage for another day at least. Thursday is not only Valentine's Day but also my 15th wedding anniversary. You would THINK it's an anniversary date that no man could overlook. Wrong! I did get an electronic postcard last year. The year before that, he didn't acknowledge it. He seems to be unaware and oblivious to what day it is. I suggested we go out to dinner. When we arrived at the restaurant, the parking lot was nearly full. When he commented on the number of cars for a Tuesday night, I said, well, it IS valentine's day! My goodness, you'd think it was pearl harbor day for the first time. He acts like it's come kind of sneak attack for which he's unprepared. I realize now after reading about passive aggression and verbal abuse that it's no accident he acts this way. The withholding and lack of acknowledgement are not careless oversights. His actions are deliberate and calculated. He purposely causes me heartache, and yes tnt, I am angry that I tolerated such behavior for so long and angry that he would treat me with such callous disregard. <p>Nowadays when I think of my H, I picture him in solitude, surrounded by mounds of barbed wire. I know it's up to him to cut through that wire from the inside out. I thought I had reached the acceptance stage. I know I'm stamping my feet, railing at him for choosing such a miserable existence all alone. I also know I'll move through this stage and deal with my own issues. Lord knows I have plenty of my own "stuff!"

Tnt --- Dear God you know TnT's needs better than we do. I pray with an earnest heart that TnT is hired for the United Way position. She has such a gift to help thoose in need. You have blessed her with may gifts. Please God let her be able to use them in this position. <p>In Jesus Name I pray.<p>
LH ---- Girl you know he does it to push your buttons. Tony is the same way. I like the idea of barb wire. HOw are you doing today? <p>God I pray a little pray for LH to make it through the V-day. It has so many triggers for her. Let her know your love.<p>In Jesus name I pray.

Valentines Day is a lot better now that it's over. LOL H called about an hour ago to say happy valentine's day. He didn't say anything about our anniversary. Said he went through the whole day not knowing it was Valentine's. That Feb 14th is SO sneaky! Guess I still have some work to do when it comes to accepting him as he is. <p>I'm slogging through some paperwork tonight. I feel like many things are hanging over my head, and this paperwork is one of them. Making progress. I really had to drag myself into work today. Thanks for the prayers paha.