Hi Ladies!! [img]images/icons/smile.gif" border="0[/img] <p>Well, where to begin?<p>First, I'm sure you all received my email about the gift from my parents (and GOD - Amen!). If you didn't, a short explanation: My mother and I were sitting in a restaurant eating breakfast, and she asked me how the immigration was going. I told her that we had everything back, but it was now just a matter of the money. We'd been talking about David and my H and his ex, you know, everything, and how both of the ex's are doing fine financially and we were struggling so. I said our only saving grace would be when I begin working. I truly, TRULY was just talking. I expected absolutely NOTHING. My mom is so into personal responsibility and feels that you make your bed, and lie in it. So she thinks a second and asks me how much it is. I tell her about $2000 Canadian. She asks how much that is American, and being the mathophobe I am, I say I think it's about half -- $1000 American (it's actually a bit more, but I'm not complaining!). So she says that she'll give it to me as a birthday gift. I was FLOORED!! My birthday was in December, and honestly I kind of expected pajamas or something (which by the way, she also got for me). <p>That was AWESOME, wasn't it? I still can't believe it!!! I did remember to thank God too, believe me!! Also, I am aware that I never would have appreciated it so much had I gotten it earlier. Nope, it had to happen now, when all other hope was lost (if that makes sense).<p>Okay, about David. Well, I won't go into toooooo long of an explanation about that (hopefully! LOL)... let's just say that everything I could have expected, DID HAPPEN.<p>He asked me to come back, he told me the first marriage is the only real marriage, he told me we never should have divorced, we didn't try hard enough to rebuild, told me what a horrible H he was and what a good W I was (revisionist history there, I was NOT a good wife for a lot of the time), he cried, he told me he'd always love me, said he'd never be able to replace me, said I was right about the church-pimp couple who introduced him to OW#5, said he needed a wife, told me how nice my body is, and finally that he would take me back NOW, treat me right, and we'd date until my divorce were final.<p>There, I did explain quickly, didn't I? [img]images/icons/wink.gif" border="0[/img] <p>I bet you're wondering what I said to all of this, right? Or maybe you're just wondering how we ended up alone long enough to discuss all this?? <p>Well, the first chat was while we were cashing the check (which we did, thank God, but not before some hassles). I did feel very bad for him crying, especially, and I was kind to him because I DO CARE. I explained this to him, now face-to-face, for what I thought would be the last time. I told him that although I agree that it's sad, sad, sad that our family broke apart, that none of that mattered now because I am married to R. I said that although I did still hold a love for him, and probably always would, I was IN LOVE with my H, and had made a vow to him. He asked me if I were happy, because the kids had said I was in love with R, but my life was unhappy. I told him that my life has been difficult, but that I am happy with my H, that we get along wonderfully well, that I love him very much, and that even NONE OF THAT mattered, because I am MARRIED and I made a VOW that is just as sacred as the first.<p>The second conversation took place when he came back to the house after visiting family so I could stay with the kids. They were asleep when he came in, and we had another discussion that was very much like the first. Although we talked about God, and I told him about the info that TnT gave me regarding second marriages. I'm sending that to him. Hopefully it will help him. Also, my daughter ended up having a test the night I was to meet my parents, so David took me (with our son sitting between us and our daughter along also)... it was nice of him, but was awkward when we got to my sister's and she invited he and our son to eat with us. He did stay -- oh, the faces we put on to pretend that we're all getting along swell -- my sister is still mad that I divorced David, and it's obvious. But that's another kettle o' fish.<p>I could go on and on and on... I won't.<p>I did share ALL of this with my H, who was none-to-happy, but his problem was not with me, rather with David. He doesn't have to deal with David tho. I do. We BOTH have to deal with his ex, and frankly, I don't know which is more difficult.<p>Anyway, if you have any questions or comments, I'll be sure to respond. I may have forgotten some stuff... it was all so hard... so emotionally wrenching...<p>Hugs and love to all,

HI NB, the pjs are a wonderful gift, and the immigration fee isnt too bad either!!!
Welcome home. cl

*HUGS* to you!!<p>And so proud of you to come home and trust your H's love and understanding enough to be completely honest with him. So many ppl would not have that safety net, Your so very lucky (well maybe more like worthy as luck should not have that much to do with it ) [img]images/icons/smile.gif" border="0[/img] <p>I am happy that you were able to face that. I think you had seen it coming, and knew David well enough to know that he would say something like that. Now maybe he too can move on, for him this could have been his last stand and now he has closure. Maybe knowing how truly happy and at peace you are will be all that he needs. <p>I hate to admit this but I watch Temptation Island and one woman said something I found very profound. "we are both good ppl, just not good together" <p>But I am especially happy that you got to see your babies!!!! YEA!!!!!!

So now that the dust has settled a bit, how are you feeling about the trip? The episodes with Dave weren't unexpected, were they. I sometimes wonder if my H will ever reach a point where he'll say the same things to me that David said to you last week. I confess I haven't read your posts from the early days, so I'm fuzzy on all your history. I just know that ANYONE who can respond to some of my posts as you have is someone who UNDERSTANDS what it's like to be married to someone who downright impossible. What are the chances that David would have ever "wised up" if you had stayed? <p>And who's to say that he really has "wised up?" Y'know, in a way, don't you think it's kind of a good thing that he's fessing up to his shortcomings? From a "David perspective" isn't that a good thing? Let's hope his signs of remorse and personal growth are genuine. But... let's take a hypothetical here. Let's say you weren't remarried and you heard all this from David. Do you think he'd be willing and CAPABLE of treating you right over the long-term? I'm asking because I sometimes feel that treating people right is something that exceeds my H's abilities. I think he might try to win me back at some point, but I really question if he'll EVER "get it."

Hi Ladies! [img]images/icons/smile.gif" border="0[/img] <p>Thanks for your responses cl, Suz and LH!! [img]images/icons/grin.gif" border="0[/img] <p>My H and I worked on all the remaining immigration stuff this morning -- just waiting on two things now: his paystub on Friday and pictures (like passport pics). He also has to fill out the financial report. We are SO EXCITED. Eighty pages down to one page and two needed things. Pretty cool, eh? [img]images/icons/cool.gif" border="0[/img] <p>About David... well, yes, I guess I *did* expect it, and yes, I still wonder if he has truly, TRULY changed, or would have eventually just gone back to the "old-David" had I remained. I do know that he NEVER would have changed had I not left. He admitted the same. <p>LH, my history isn't all that exciting, really. In a nutshell, David cheated, Clinton-style, with three women in the 80's. We'd been married seven years at the time. We got through it, but he was a big butt-hole. He did horribly emotionally abusive things, some of which I've written about here. He did some physical, like pulling me by my hair out of the car when I was crying and didn't want to see anyone. Nice. He wasn't *always* abusive, but I should have seen the signs when he pulled doors of the hinges when we were first married. Anyway, in year 18 of the marriage, I turned 40 and had a nervous breakdown/mid-life crisis and did the unthinkable. I had an affair, and I wanted to die. Luckily for me, David wanted me to die too. It was TERRIBLE. I only slept with the other man once, but it was enough to change my life forever -- for the WORSE. David began affairs with other women he met at church, the last one a full-on physical affair with the woman I mentioned above, introduced by pimp-couple, deacons at the church. I met R here, on MB, and that's a longer story that I'd be happy to share, offline, if you're interested.<p>Now I'm here. <p>That must be more than you EVER bargained for, eh? Sorry, I tried to keep it in the nutshell. [img]images/icons/wink.gif" border="0[/img] <p>I guess the moral to my story, if there is one, is that life goes on, and we must accept the consequences for our choices. I still loved David when I divorced him. I filed for divorce because I truly felt that my life would be one of suffering if I remained -- and lived. I don't say that lightly either. I wanted to die, I felt like I was dying, I *was* dying. I lost 100 pounds in less than a year (about six months, actually), ended up in the hospital, on anti-deps, and spent hour upon hour in my room when I was home. My kids say I was the best mom ever until then. I couldn't face them, my God, or myself. I certainly couldn't face David, and whenever I did, I cried, yelled, or layed in the fetal position. It was the most horrifying time of my life.<p>I'm glad that part of my life is over.

Thank you Sheryl. My separation is too new for me to know if H will ever "get it." Not holding my breath! I feel certain that I too would have ended up in a hospital for one reason or another if I hadn't found this forum. I was truly losing my life by staying with my H. Yesterday I was a whirlwind of activity, the way I used to be. It feels sooooo good to get back some pieces of myself that slipped away. I'm sure you know how THAT feels. Boy howdy I'll tell you what, I'm paying for it today. <p>I mowed my first lawn yesterday. I could hear my H's voice telling me how I'd never be able to mow that lawn myself, let alone get the mower started. I cranked and cranked and cranked. I prayed for divine intervention. Lord, I can't get this thing started by myself! Then all of a sudden, it occured to me, hey, how would I turn this thing OFF if I ever get it started? That's when I realized you have to engage the safety feature (aka the dead man's switch). Duhhhh!!! LOL Things are difficult, that's for sure, but it's a heck of an improvement. <p>I know you made the right choices too Sheryl. Just because things are difficult right now, doesn't mean you should still be with David!! Difficult isn't all that bad!

Sheryl--<p>Glad you are back safely, and that all is OK...sounds like you handled things well! And how sweet of your mom to give you the money you needed for the immigration-stuff! <p>Hugs--<p>Kathi

Hi again LH, and Hi Kam!<p>LH, gosh... you mowed!!!!! WONDERFUL! See, you can do it! [img]images/icons/smile.gif" border="0[/img] <p>There were many things that I thought I couldn't do when David left, and with each subsequent leaving (he left three times in a year or so) it got easier. Like your H, David said I'd never make it. That's so cruel, isn't it? [img]images/icons/frown.gif" border="0[/img] <p>My big thing, and Kam will remember this, was getting a yellow bathroom. It was hard at first, because I didn't feel I deserved to have a lovely bathroom. I thought I should suffer. (Don't ask, I have no idea where that came from, but I do think that I thought if I made it "mine" it meant that David wasn't coming home). Slowly, I began to get a towel, or a rug, and decorations. That first towel was *my* "mowing the lawn" moment. It was neat!<p>Kam, hi!! Yes, I'm back, I'm safe, and I have hope where there was very little before. If all goes well, I could have my health card in two months and my work permit in three... <p>My mother and I have rebuilt our relationship over the years, and this trip did much to put the finishing touches on -- it's not the money alone (which was such an awesome gift), but we TALKED about things that we'd ignored before. It was absolutely the best time with my mother EVER. My dad is lovely, as he ALWAYS was, and I got to see my 90 yr. old Nana too. <p>And my CHILDREN... bliss... my son, especially, has grown so much, both physically and emotionally. I am completely impressed with him! My older daughter was a doll, readying the house and preparing for my visit, planning a day out... and my other daughter got some time off and came up and spent two days with us too. It was heaven!!!

Hey Sheryl,<p>You sound so much lighter in tone. I think this trip has done wonders for you. Baby you are making leaps and bounds!!!!!<p>(((((Sheryl)))))<p>
Just know you ARE BLESSED by God!!!

Ah Paha,<p>THANK YOU, and ((((((((((Paha)))))))))) back at ya!! [img]images/icons/smile.gif" border="0[/img]

I agree with Paha. Update Part 2 was much more upbeat. See what happens when you take the focus off David?? [img]images/icons/grin.gif" border="0[/img] <p>Sooo, moving right along here.... what are your hopes and dreams when it comes time to be employable? I'll be singing praises for your mom and nana in my prayers tonight. Footing your immigration tab was really a sweetheart thing for them to do. I'm really happy for you Sheryl.

Mornin' Ladies,<p>Ah, LH, my hopes and dreams??? Well, ideally, I'd like to be able to do what I was doing in California, which was training students with disabilities to use adaptive computer equipment. I know, however, that realistically, that may not be possible, so I'm gunning for a counter job at Taco Bell. [img]images/icons/wink.gif" border="0[/img] <p>Seriously, I will do ANYthing to get my "foot in the door"... I'm watching Paha, for example, and seeing how hard it is to get a job, so I'll take anything (not actually Taco Bell, since I have to draw the line SOMEwhere, don't I?). Maybe a secretary or something -- put my lightening speed typing skills to good use, eh?<p>Still looking at my GORGEOUS Feng Shui book, even brought it along for the ride to CA. My kids loved it too. I've been rearranging. One thing I don't want to do though -- it says not to have books out, at least not bindings out. Poop. I LOVE books and seeing them makes me feel so good. [img]images/icons/confused.gif" border="0[/img]

Then you better not get a job at a library... all those books would drain the positive energy... or whatever it does.... LOL<p>Good to see you in such good spirits....

Sheryl,
I'm happy at your update. Glad about the gift money. And David...sigh. He just wants what he wants, no matter the cost.<p>FengShui--no books out? HAHAHAHA I have 4 bookCASES in the living room & 2 in the dining room. Not to mention the rest of the house. Oh, and I suppose the "St. Louis Ram's Shrine" on top of the entertainment center would have to go as well? Hmmm I'm a Feng Shui failure.

Heh heh [img]images/icons/grin.gif" border="0[/img] Yep, I LOVE books! What will I do, what will I do????? [img]images/icons/confused.gif" border="0[/img] Haha [img]images/icons/smile.gif" border="0[/img] <p>Yeah, no jobs in bookstores (NOT! I would LOVE to be Lor these days!!) or libraries, eh? [img]images/icons/rolleyes.gif" border="0[/img] <p>I *am* in good spirits, pretty much. It sure does feel good. [img]images/icons/smile.gif" border="0[/img] [img]images/icons/grin.gif" border="0[/img] [img]images/icons/smile.gif" border="0[/img]

Look out Sheryl and Lor, it's not just books! Anything with a straight line is a poison arrow and we must be careful where they point! Yep, I'd get a failing grade in poison arrows myself. Sheryl, I'm amazed you took that book with you to CA! <p>I have a secondary workstation in my office now with a photo of Mt Hood on the wall. It represents solid support behind me when I sit there. Next I'm going to rearrange my computer desk so my back is no longer to the door. I'll tell you what though, my stamina isn't what it used to be. I still feel like toast from my whirlwind of activity on Saturday. <p>Canada has Taco Bell??? LOL Some of the people I've encountered in fast food places could probably benefit from your teaching skills Sheryl. Set your sights high. Do you get to volunteer anywhere while the employment blessing is in the works?

Sheryl,<p>I am so happy for you. Getting out & being around people will help you so very much. I know I subbed in my old school last wk, & I was bored but happy.<p>Feng Shui, no book [img]images/icons/shocked.gif" border="0[/img] I couldn't live without bks. <p>I took my entire Nora Roberts collection to Singapore & back with me. I don't fly if I don't have enough bks to last the whole trip & then I always have a spare. And then we won't talk about the bks in & around my bed.<p>Hey I had to fill it up with something when STBX deceded I wasn't good enough to sleep with anymore. the bks & the cat are a lot nicer [img]images/icons/grin.gif" border="0[/img] [img]images/icons/grin.gif" border="0[/img] <p>
But again I am so happy for you.

Mornin' Ladies!! [img]images/icons/smile.gif" border="0[/img] <p>Another hopeful day here!! [img]images/icons/smile.gif" border="0[/img] <p>I am a bit nervous, because my H is going to a credit counselor tomorrow, so please say a prayer that everything can somehow be resolved without him filing for bankruptcy. That would be .... well... really sad... especially considering he had excellent credit before his divorce. I, on the other hand, have been down this road before, which is helpful for him, because I'm like, "Oh, they said they'd take you to court? Nope, not for another 37 days! Forgeeeeeet about it, it's a bluff." He's feeling a lot more relaxed about it all these days. Anyway, again, please say a prayer, if you would.<p>About my BEAUTIFUL BOOK... well, so I'm suppose to hide the Feng Shui book now? Huh, huh, huh????? [img]images/icons/tongue.gif" border="0[/img] I'm sorry, I will NOT give up my books... straight lines = poison arrows, you say? Jeepers, the WHOLE place is FILLED with straight lines -- the entertainment center has shelves, the frames on many of the pics, the window, one of the bookcases... [img]images/icons/shocked.gif" border="0[/img] ... I'm a goner! What to do, what to do?? [img]images/icons/confused.gif" border="0[/img] <p>I do a lot of the other things I read about already... and GUESS WHAT I GOT while I was in CA too? I forgot to tell you guys!... hand chimes!!! You hit the little guys with a tiny little wooden stick thingy ... the chimes lay in a wooden cradle and you lightly tap them... wowie!! Totally cool, eh? I already have a fountain in our bedroom, which Tess drinks from, but that's okay, candles and incense, mirrors in the right places whenever possible (the bathroom mirror is questionable, but it's an apartment and I'm stuck on that one), plants... and I'm just beginning the process!! I did move my journals from under the bed and I am sleeping MUCH BETTER (this stuff is amazing)... it's just neat. That's all, just NEAT.<p>Anyhow, talk with you guys again soon...<p>I really have gone over to another site for Second Wives, and I'm enjoying getting used to all the stuff. It's really better for my situation, and I find myself getting REALLY IRKED around here lately. Sheesh, these people who come here but don't want to use the concepts drive me batty. Then they get mad because we (who have "been there, done that") say something they think is "mean"... we can't win. I am frustrated with the whole thing, and hopefully can find more of what I need from the new site. However, I looooooove my friends here, and will probably NEVER [img]images/icons/rolleyes.gif" border="0[/img] LEAVE for good. I'll always have to check up on my FRIENDS...<p>Love you all, and HUGS,

Morning Sheryl,
You sound good today!!! I am happy for you.
Sending prayers that the counseling goes well today.
Understand abt getting irked here lately....maybe it is break time for me again? Maybe we just need to lighten up and take life less seriously?
Hmmmm, more to think on?!
Have a great day, cl

<blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr>straight lines = poison arrows, you say? Jeepers, the WHOLE place is FILLED with straight lines -- the entertainment center has shelves, the frames on many of the pics, the window, one of the bookcases... [img]images/icons/shocked.gif" border="0[/img] ... I'm a goner! What to do, what to do?? [img]images/icons/confused.gif" border="0[/img] <hr></blockquote><p>LOL! There's good news Sheryl. The book I'm on now says "if it feels good, it's good feng shui." Plus, for any less than perfect feng shui arrangement, there's always an option for counteracting it. A great example was a family's big tree which interfered with the flow of good energy to the front door. The family loved the tree tremendously, despite it's negative impact. The solution was to "recruit" the tree as a symbol of stability and protection. So, you can recruit those books to be positive influences rather than poison arrows! I'm glad to hear you're sleeping better with those journals away from your bed. I'm really having a great time with the feng shui too. I see it as a new and creative way to implement positive thinking and affirmations. Right now I'm home for lunch, placing my faith in the thought that a check will arrive sufficient to cover my health insurance and the amount my H (or as cl pointed out, a possible bank error) overdrew.