Trying Again,<P>It really isn't about you and your H knowing what each other are going through. You'll never know. Even in my case where both my H and I cheated, we still don't know what each other are going through. Everyone handles pain, hurt, disappointment and loss uniquely. A demonstration of this is, I had the need to ask lots of questions and talk about the affairs, whereas lik you, my H wants to put it all behind us. He has asked me NO details of my affair. He assures me that he doesn't want to know. And he is also very uncomfortable answering my questions about his affair. He wants me to feel like him, and it took him some time to come to grips with my need to know.<P>I guess what I am trying to say is, "to each his own." If you really want your H to forgive you, to heal and rebuild your marriage, then you will assist him any way that you can. You ask isn't your remorse enough. Unfortunately, no, it isn't. There's MUCH work to be done, and it ain't gonna be easy.<P>Maybe you and your H can come to a compromise regarding questions. There's been many threads on this topic before. Some have suggested making a list of questions, or setting aside specific times for question and answer sessions. Work together on this, don't let it be a dividing issue. Good luck!<P>------------------<BR>Love is meant to heal. Love is meant to renew. Love is meant to oust all fear. Love is meant to harmonize differences. Love is meant to bring us closer to God.

TryingAgain<BR>Thanks for your post. It looks like something my W would write. But she won’t share her feelings with me so I continue to wonder in the dark and have my imagination dream up all sorts of unhealthy stuff. I really believe my W feels as you do though, about not giving details, so it helps me to see it in print and think about it. Are you sharing these feelings with him? A big thing for me is that having my W share details suggests she is being open and honest which are things that help a lot in restoring my feeling of trust. <P>I have read all the above responses and most are really great and I agree with much of it. One thing to add is that your S is usually someone you thought you knew. An affair makes you feel like you really don’t. Knowing the details might help to give some of that back. <P>I believe you will soon agree to some compromise with your H. But express some of the feelings you share with us with him now. I respect you for your commitment to your marriage and wish you the best.<P>Ron<BR>

This is really different than any of the other thoughts..but I want to know everything because I found out that I don't know my husband..this is new territory..I never thought he would live a lie for 5 years and still come home to me as if everything was the same..so I ask because I want to know who he is. Was he different with her?...what did they like to talk about, what were their faavorite TV shows..etc..you see my husband has been two different people...I think I know one of the Nurses..through a colleague of my husband...he said she was YOUNG (of course) I am 45.. but he also said she was dull, cute but had no culture...I am involved in symphonies and ballets etc and our children have read the classics since age 5...We are into art, plays, readings etc...we have friends that are novelists...anyway.. I am curious about the other man not just the other woman...<P>My husband has a different side and I want to know about it. Believe me I think that she got the worse side of him..Both of them! Both sold their homes, quit their jobs and ran away from my husband!...I just want to know what left in his bag of tricks!

I've kind of touched on this in my reply to the post "my week in hell" by Airheart. I don't know why I have to ask questions all the time - I mean some things are obvious - I wanted to know if my health was at risk, whether if anything new we did was because they did it etc. I felt like I could trust my husband better if he answered my questions, even though they hurt, than if he got angry with me - I felt he was keeping something from me again!! The need to question has lessened with time. Cheers.

Thank you for your responses.<P>new woman,<P>I assume you are still reading if not posting. You are probably right that I should take my H's "need to know" as a way that he has to deal with it. As far as "to each his own", I think my H and I need to find a middle ground.<P>sailor, <P>I haven't shared all these things with my husband and in that's where much of the problem in my marriage lies. I have not shared things with my H for 4 years or more. I think that's why his questions regarding the affair are especially "invasive" to me. He has not asked for my emotional honesty before. He has not asked me to share. When I wanted to share, before the affair, he would turn away, dismiss my feelings or distance himself in some other way. We have to work hard on this part in our marriage. I am glad I am able to share a bit here. It helps me define exactly what I'm feeling and makes it easier to talk to my husband. This thread has smoothed the way to two decent discussions with my H!<P>love? <P>I realize that you have been left out of many aspects of your husband's life. I understand a need to get to know him. He may not know himself either. It sounds like BOTH of you use external escapes to the exclusion of everything else to define yourself. Your H uses excitement and danger, you use status. There is a lot of work ahead for each of you to find true fulfillment. However, your H's need for danger puts you and others in danger as well. This is something which sounds seriously abusive to me. Have you sought professional help for this? Your husband has some serious problems. Has he ever approached your daughters? Please don't let your status take priority over your own safety.<P>sosad,<P>Thank you and I hope all the pain will lessen over time as well.

Trying Again,<BR>I admire your ability to look at others view points without offense. <P>Something for you to ponder...the possibility of misinterpretation and conflict avoidence in your marriage prior to the affair. Although my H now in hindsight maintains that the affair was almost an "accident" and had little to do with our marriage, in recovery we have learned so much about our communication (or lack of it) that I can not believe we had as good of marriage as we did given our poor communication. We both misinterpreted, withdrew and were the King and Queen of nonconfrontation all while maintaining a stable mostly happy demeaner.<P>Anyway, when you say your H turned away or distanced himself when you wanted to "share" you most likely interpreted that to mean he didn't care. Could be. It also could be he disliked confrontation or even problem solving so much that he took the path of least resistance. Or it could be that he misinterpretted your sharing to be a personal attack. I mean, my H could have come to me at any time and said lovingly he wanted more in this marriage blah blah blah...and I would have been dancing in the street. However, when he approached me with anything over the years it was often a critique of my domestic abilities and I reacted by feeling personally attacked. I don't think he meant it that way, but it seemed like he was not appreciating any of my finer qualities and just hammering on things I was already sensitive about. So my natural reaction was to distance myself and lick my wounds. I should have been a little tougher and dealt with these issues head on.<P>If you a more of a pursuer and problem solver and your H a conflict avoider...everytime you pursue...he retreats. It is not right, but it may have nothing to do with how much he cares.<P>Just something to think about if it could apply in your situation.<P><P>------------------<BR>Faith, Hope, Love Remain,<BR>but the greatest of these is Love.<BR>1 Corinthians 13:13

FHL,<P>Thank you for your post. It is wonderful that there are people here who seriously think about others' situations and try to help.<P>Yes, there was and is a lot of miscommunication and conflict avoidance in my marriage. It's something we are both working on in counseling.<P>You know, my H and I used to shake our heads at couples who treated "the marriage" as a seperate entity. One which required work. We thought, hey, we get along so well, we don't need to work on our marriage. It turns out we never addressed issues that arose, so it seemed we had no issues. When the children came along we had a different focus and our marriage deteriorated further. My H and I have a LOT of work ahead of us. I also wonder how we came along for so many years without something happening earlier.<P>TryingAgain

To the top.

Let me jump in a little late here.<P>Why does he want to know details? I want to know because me & the Mrs are married. Her experiences should have been mine also. She is giving everything (emotions, feelings, caring, etc) to the OM. I'm the one she swore to give it all to. I'm left with nothing from her.<P>Sure it causes tremendous pain for you. Not to minimize yours, but he is the one totally in the dark and wondering what has transpired. If he is defining the affair as he wants to see it, then asking you questions can only get it more straightened out.<P>It may be retribution on his part. He needs to understand that will only lead to the relationship going farther apart. Hopefully he is just confused and not wanting "payback."<P>Thanks for coming to the forum & giving us some insight. Every little word here will help someone.<P>------------------<BR>Prayers & God Bless!<BR>Chris<BR>For relationship info check out <A HREF="http://www.pcisys.net/~chriscal1/resources.html" TARGET=_blank>www.pcisys.net/~chriscal1/resources.html</A>