I had an email returned, undeliverable. <p>Are you around? Where are you? I'm worried.<p>Hi to everyone else too!!!

Hi Sheryl,<p>I am still around. I could not pay the bill so I got cut off. I have every intensions of paying it just need to get the cash. For now I am trying out AOL for free. : )<p>Ughh well Trial two is down. I won. The lawyer tried every trick in the book and I countered like no one's business. It was a very time consuming and hard process. <p>The day of the trial Tony's Lawyer spent more time with me and giving me free advice than with Tony. How crazy is that? But I got what I wanted. Everything. <p>Now the prosecutor for the Class A felonies is in the hands of the Domestic violence Prosecutor and all I have to do is be a witness. I am fine with it. <p>My emotions are all over the place. I want a husband in the worst way. But I know it is not the best time. I joined a church and starting to get my life back in order. It will take some time. <p>Are you done with the emmigration? How is that going. Say hi to your H for me. I know you two are destined for great things. You are such a guiding star. You must know how special you are.

Paha!!!!!!!!!!!
I am so glad you checked in. I think and pray for you daily. I want you to find your path in life. You are so very special.
Sending love and positive energy to you.
Stay safe. cl

So good to hear from you Paha! Hope you're holding up ok. <p>Hi to cl and Sheryl too! cl, did you see Dr Phil on Oprah last week?? He was telling people to use little red cards for stop signs!! I thought of you immediately. The topic was abusive and emotionally distant husbands. He told the first family to use the cards as a physical cue to stop, think, and choose value over anger. Loved it! He also said the withholding of positives is a very powerful and cruel form of abuse. Amen to that.

Oh WOW, it's great to **see** [img]images/icons/smile.gif" border="0[/img] YOU!!!<p>You sound... okay... not great... but okay. I wish you could sound GREAT, because you deserve GREAT.<p>Sending you BIG HUGS, my friend, and please, please send me a message whenever you can, okay? I think of you and pray for you often.<p>My H begins a new job today, that will give us back our weekends (very important visitation issue solved - that last job, which seemed so wonderful - about killed us). It's all nights, so I've been spending the entire day away from the computer, and WITH HIM (bliss ::hearts:: ).<p><waving hi to cl and LH too!! [img]images/icons/smile.gif" border="0[/img] >

Hi CL,<p>Awww you are so wonderful. How are you doing? I think of you always. Thank you for the prayers. I do feel lifted up by God but sometimes my pit has been deep. <p>I am doing fine. Thank you so much for your love... and I do care so much for all of you. <p>Hi LH,<p>Dr. Phil has some wonderful insight. Tony would do that to me all the time. LH how are you holding up? How is the seperatation going? I do pray for you all the time. I am reading the book. Again thank you so much for sending it.<p>Hi Sheryl,<p>OH I am so happy that he was able to get a normal job. I have been thinking about you and praying for resolutions to all your issues. In time you will see everything come together. I know God is with you. <p>I know I do not sound great but right now I am happy with good. At the last trial I met this really nice woman who went through the same thing I did. She really pressed upon me to go to meetings. I think she is right.<p>I can not help it my emotions are all over the place. It is just going to take awhile. I am going to try and fly home for a few days. I need to see everyone. I have not been home in well over two years and not by myself in well over five. <p>Now that I am out of it I had no idea how much control Tony really had over me. I have no idea how I let this happen to me. I really need to find myself and make me strong again. It is going to be so hard but worth it. <p>I stopped looking for a job because I could not handle everything at the same time. I just started looking again. I put my application into Chordian. It is a company here in Manchester. It has a lot of great opratunities. Pray that I get it. It is entry level but I do not care. Maybe I really need to start from the ground up again. I just need to get a paying job of where I was before.<p>Thank you so much all of you for your love and prayers. They mean a great deal to me. You are such wonderful women!!

Morning Ladies,
Lh, I think we should get some royalties from that show! I am amused and surprised.
But will say it works great!!!
Paha, thanks for writing to let us know you are doing 'good'. Nothing wrong with 'good' and it is just a step along the path of being whole again.
(((((hugs)))))

Hi CL,<p>How are you doing? I have been really worried about you. Please let me know. I feel that you have been side stepping the question. Is everything all right?<p>I do pray for you all the time. I just sense that you are not 100%. You have been going at this longer than me and I know how draining it can be. <p>(((((((((CL))))))))

You're probably wondering why I asked you all here. LOL<p>Update time for Sheryl, and feel free to add yours too!<p>I'm up and down. It's the time of year I normally wean off of the Zoloft, so I did. Too soon, I think. I'm not a quivering mess, but I'm feeling sad and lonely still -- too often.<p>My H got a new job that works all nights. That's bad. But... it's GOOD, because he's home EVERY SINGLE SATURDAY and all day Sunday, till he goes to work at night. <p>The immigration is all but done, but... it's the waiting game now, which is very frustrating because we have to "bob and weave" with the creditors until we get the final word from immigration, and then he can file bankruptcy. Not one second before. In the meantime, we're getting court notices and lovely friendly phone calls (NOT [img]images/icons/rolleyes.gif" border="0[/img] ) asking us to please pay our bills. <p>My son bought us Easter gifts. My heart is breaking. We haven't been able to get them anything yet. We will but they will be late. My son didn't even get his dad anything. How pathetic is it that he bought my H something (and a thoughtful something too - a chocolate car, because he knows how much my H likes cars) and his dad NOTHING??? My heart is so ripping in two (or three or four) over this. <p>I'm trying to get him here for a month in the summer. All of it's hinging on... you guessed it... money. I am due money from my retirement fund from the college (oops, they *forgot* to send my last check and put it into an interest bearing account instead, which means it will take 4-6 weeks) and the ONLY reason I found out about it is because I am trying to get this blasted 1099 form so I can file my taxes (which will net me a cool $1000 - if I EVER get the stupid form). So, the money is out there to get my son's ticket, but I can't touch it yet. [img]images/icons/mad.gif" border="0[/img] <p>Aside from that, I'm reading some again... right now it's a book called "Mutant Message Down Under"... it's a book much like "Celestine Prophecy" about a quest for truth. <p>Anyway, my daughter just called, and I need to go, but I'll be back later...<p>Love to all

Okay, I'm back.<p>Pray for my daughter. The doc thinks she had a thyroid problem, and I hope that's it, because she's just been sick tooooo long. Blood test tomorrow, pray that it shows SOMEthing we can wrap our heads around.<p>Okay, about the book... It's a "fiction" about a non-fiction event, just like Celestine Prophesy. You believe it is real, and it is based what happened to the author, written in first person. <p>A woman, the writer, goes to Australia to speak at a meeting and receive and award... and she is surprised by what happens. Let's just say the "meeting and award" are something she will strive for throughout the book. I've read about three chapters, and I'm enthrawled (sp?).<p>I have been praying more, but frankly, am disappointed, yet again, in this thing I call religion. Never am I doubting God's existance, or questioning what Jesus did for me, but truly I am questioning how it all fits together into my life.<p>In some ways I am finding contentment in my life, such as it is, and in some ways, I am suffering and struggling so... and that concerns me. But I never give up. <p>Okay, so please share what's been happening in YOUR life, will you?<p>Sending hugs and love to all of you,

Hello Paha<p>Just like everyone else here I was so glad to see your reply. I actually gave a sigh of relief. You do sound better. <p>I found this page about free internet access and I thought you might like the link?<p>Free Internet Access<p>Take care and God bless!
Much love,

Ok, I'll give an update too! <p>I crashed and burned when I got home today and took a 3 hour nap. My "nap need" was tremendous both before and after the separation. My stamina has improved during the two months of separation, but exhaustion creeped up on me today. I'm working two part-time jobs, running a mail order business and improving my response time to the few website clients I have. A backlog built up prior to separation, and it's a slippery slope trying to get caught up. Bankruptcy papers are in the works. Plus I try to spend more time with my mom, keep in touch with friends, and give my cat all the lovin she wants. I think my goals are too lofty! <p>Some days it seems attainable to "do it all." Other days, it's just too much and something's gotta give. I find it difficult to juggle my personal growth with the demands of earning a living. Sheryl, Paha, all I can say is grow by leaps and bounds spiritually during this time! You won't have nearly as much time for it when employment comes your way. But then, the aspect of "difficulty" never seems to go away, whether we're employed or otherwise. I find myself questioning my priorities all the time. I have no longterm goals. I'm living hand to mouth and envisioning my future is beyond my capabilities. Things are uncertain, but for the most part, they're way better since separation. My ability to function is returning. It's kinda like replacing some carpet. You don't fully realize how much you really needed to replace it a long time ago until you rip it out and see all the dirt that accumulated underneath for many years. I've got a big mess to clean up here! Persistence will pay off. In the meantime, I count my blessings every day, feel content most of the time, and try to be a good steward of what I have. And frstrtd, if you're reading this, I'm halfway through Bold Love. I just haven't had a chance to chime in on the study... another priority I've been questioning!

Gosh LH, you sound truly STRONG. Thank you for the wonderful update.<p>And Sam, hey, where's your update??? Huh??? <p>Love to all,

HI Ladies,
We are sharing updates?!?!
Hmmm, this may not belong here but I'll do it anyway.
Paha, dont worry abt me. I will be fine. I have lots of inner strength, but no idea where it comes from. Maybe just plain old stubborness? [img]images/icons/wink.gif" border="0[/img] I have been known to have that trait.
Sheryl, I to have struggled with prayer and god. Lately have spent most of my off work time healing some very old deep wounds. Doing some energy healing, inner child work that has left me about void of emotion one day, then flying high the next. I honestly feel bipolar somedays! But I know it is truly just the path I am on. I have found it very scary, terrifying at best some days. I have not found a mentor or therapist here to work with, so it has been on my own. The mind can be a very scary place. But my garden pulls me back into reality. I feel as if I have a very lonely life and am not at all fulfilled.
Sheryl, you are not in CA anymore-take the drugs longer!!! (((((hugs)))))
LH, you sound great! Staying busy has its place in early recovery. It serves the vital purpose of not letting us think too much before we are truly ready. You will know when it is time for you to start healing. And we will all be here waiting with open arms.
I did volunteer to teach a class 2 eves a week, so that should be interesting. It is a lifeskills class for older phsycialy/emotionally disabled teens.
Basically my marriage is intact and recovery there is fine. H is very much in love (more than I am). But personally I have not found inner peace and the road is not at all clear.
Aloha, cl

Hi Everyone,<p>Sorry I have not written sooner. I am not doing too well. The past few days I have been very crancky to say the least. <p>I got an anomous call on Saturday. The person did not say anything. I am sure it was Tony. I wonder if I did the right thing. I really do not miss him so much as the idea of what we could have had. I wanted to get married so bad. Now I feel like I have no chance for that. <p>I know when the time is right the right person will come along. I try to have faith...really I do but I can not even get it together for a mustard seed. I have been kind of testing the waters for dates and the like...and well the feed back is that I am way to overweight for anyone to even consider me. <p>Right now I am lucky to get the important things done. I just straighten my house... not clean. I have a temp job that pays half what I use to make. I just go and come home and sleep. <p>I am sorry but I am not up and I am not perky and I am angry at myself for letting it get this bad. I am 33 years old have nothing to show for it. I can not make ends meet. I have no family, no real job, no savings, no friends, nothing. How did I let this happen? What am I suppose to learn from this?<p>I need to get busy re-doing my resume and getting out there but I am tired of being rejected at every turn. I need one person to believe in me. Did you know the detective on the case did not even really believe me that Tony was very emotional and sometime physically abusive to me. He went on and on about how if I was telling the truth and if it really happened. I finally go for help and that is the help I get. The prosacutor wanted to cut a deal for one of the charges and the detective did not even believe me. <p>Sorry I am just not feeling that great about me right now. I will find away to get back on track. Promise.

My dear Paha,
Yes, you will have times like this while you are finding your path. And these times really do suck...that is why we are here for you!
It is a scary time, but you have to stay focused on the goal. HEALING. You have to stay focused on where you want to be 5 yrs from now and take those steps.
Be more patient with yourself Paha. You have been through some huge ordeals, totally traumatizing and degrading. You are a wonderful person, very lovable, very kind and intelligent, a great friend. It is hard to get it all back together. You will have some bad days, filled with self-doubt.
You need to have some positive affirmations to refer back to so you can stay focused. Positive statements posted around the house to keep your energy flowing in the right direction.
It sounds like you have some depression, which should be expected. But if it gets worse, and you are not functioning, you might need to see your doc about some meds.
Dating and job interviews are the same thing arent they?! Gads, the thought of dating right now is probably overwhelming! Let yourself heal first. You might be doing this just for the positive feedback-so you feel attractive and loved? If that is the basic reason-then stop! The love you seek is inside yourself, you just have to let it out. Sometimes it is like excavating to find the qualities within us that are lovable and wonderful-they are there. Be patient.
In times past I have helped myself through times of despair by throwing myself into work. I worked 2 or 3 jobs just so I would not have to look into my mind. It served a purpose-for one the bank acct was great. Secondly, I was not ready to deal with all the issues, so it gave me sort of an excuse not to look deep inside. Third, I slept well because I was so tired! You might want to consider that if you need to postpone deep thought processing. It truly does beat severe depression or being forced into healing when we are not emotionally ready.
Use the support systems you have in place paha! Your mom, you friends and your MB family.
Sending love, prayers and positive energy your way Paha. (((((((hugs))))))

Oh Paha, you sure don't have to be upbeat or even positive on our account.<p>This is tough business, this marriage-ending. You have it harder than some because your H is a very sick man. In fact, looking at a lot of the women on this part of the forum, we have mental illness, serial cheating, and addictions... I am including my ex in this group, as well.<p>I can't even tell you "don't worry, it gets better" because although in some ways it truly does, with time, in some ways it just doesn't. <p>I have been sitting here this morning realizing AGAIN (yawn, right?) how much I miss my kids. It doesn't matter that they're older. I just miss them. I sometimes think about how easy it would have been to make things right back in the old days of pre-affairs... and even in the post-affairs too... with just a tiny bit of effort on both sides, my past marriage could have thrived. It ticks me off to this day, because although I adore my H (and he is a gem among men, I am serious)... this life I chose is SO HARD.<p>You have an opportunity to make your life into something wonderful. It will take time, and you will have to heal first. My only piece of advice is not to jump into the first place that feels good, safe, and/or loving, which is what I did (like we all don't know this, right? Duh). You could get lucky with a peach of a guy (like mine) or not so lucky... and even with Mr. Peach, I am suffering in all sorts of ways I wasn't expecting. <p>Take care, dear Paha. Please let us know how you are whenever possible.<p>We love you.

{{{{paha}}}}}}
ditto everything cl said. You have a lot of healing to do paha. Sheryl knows what it's like. I know what it's like. We've all been there. Depression is tough to shake, and you can't do it alone. I hope you find some good support in your new church. I agree with cl. Keeping a full calendar, even if it's 3 bubble baths a day, is a good way to keep yourself going. I HIGHLY recommend bubble baths by candlelight. I'm heading off for one right now. Is your address still the same? May I send you a stress kit?

I hope you all don't mind, but I have been following this thread. I am not evesdropping nor puposly snooping or anything, just was curious at first and now, I am amazed. Amazed at the connection you ladies have made. Sometimes I call this computer screen I sit in front of an "electric opiate" because it can take you to places you have never been without leaving your chair. And you guys have been to painful places you never intended to go and have found encouragement, love and hope in sharing with one another here. Maybe, most of you have not ever met one another nor even talked on the phone, yet you have found courage and strength with each other in words printed on a screen. I am moved.<p>Thank you for letting me chime in.....
God Bless,
Bev

CL -- YOu are so wise and so loved. You are right. I wanted to go out on dates be affirmed that I am still a viable person. And I am no where near a place that I can put myself out there. I have shut that door again. <p>Tonight I went to the Abuse survival group at the YWCA. I need that. Plus I talked to my best friend. She owns a really hot gift and tea shop and resturant in Austin. She sells special teas from Japan. I asked her if I could start selling them to coffee houses and gift shops up here. A) I really need the money and B) it will give me something to really focus on. I am actually very good and marketing stuff like this. It is a win - win situation.<p>Sheryl -- I know you know this but you will always miss your children. They are a part of you. I mean...how awsom is God. The double helix. Half of that DNA strand is you and half is their father. You will always be tied to them. In fact your entire family back to the beginning is tied in that little double helix. <p>You are a good woman. Yes you may have rushed into this new life but you did what you did with what you have. You deserve this good husband and this love. And do not worry. I am going to take a break. I can not take the beating I am getting with the job search and trying to find the perfect mate. I do not think there is a perfect mate. <p>LH -- Yes I am still at the same address. In fact I did some work in the yard. I took down the christmas decoration from the house all by myself. Well instead of getting on a ladder I used my ski poll to get the lights off the roof. I am sure my neighbors were like what is that crazy woman doing. I have this fear of falling from the ladder.<p>How are you doing with your H? Have you had any contact? <p>Oh for anyone who gardens. My Hydrangea is coming back. Planted one last year and was not sure it was going to survive the winter. But it did. I uncovered it sunday and there is new growth. Now my roses are a different story. Not sure they are going to bloom. Next weekend I am going to go into the yard and rack up all the dead branches that fell. I also have to figure out how the water system works. I am sure that if I can get the christmas lights down I can figure the water. whoo hooo...single woman stikes back.<p>Frst -- do not worry you are not intruding. This is a public forum and all are welcome. A lot of us have been here for years. Going through such pain. I have come to love these women as friends. They are very real to me even though we have never chatted on the phone or seen each other. They really helped me see I was in a very abusive relationship and not just all the affairs Tony has had. I think without their gentle suggestions and support I might still be in the relationship with Tony trying to figure out what is wrong with me.<p>Oh LH hope you do not mind but I am going to donate the book to the YWCA's library. I think there are some women there who really need it. It has helped me by leaps and bounds. If you want it back let me know.