I need some insight from you guys here:<P>I am in PlanB this separation, but my H still uses the house for his field office. We have been separated this second time for about 6 1/2 weeks, now. He has been in the affair with OW for 9 months.<P>He left a week ago today to spend Thanksgiving with the OW - she is a school teacher, so maybe she had the whole week off. Just came back from FL today.<P>I was off today to get the garage door fixed. He showed up a little after noon - we said "Hello", but basically avoided each other. He only stayed one hr. and left. I was moderatley upset when he left - just seeing him still gets to me. WHY do I love someone that doesn't love me back????????????<P>OK, so after he left, I thought "I need my friends here" so I was in the middle of writing a post about being sad and knowing for certain that it was over between us. I had thought about it for awhile before posting and this post was really long (surprise, surprise - Roll Me Away is long-winded!) and next thing I know, the door opens and H walks in again.<P>Needless to say, I was surprised - maybe I should say shocked. I asked him why he was back - it had only been one hr. since he had left - H said he needed to do computer work (why??? he has a laptop where he lives).<P>He worked on the computer awhile and then was working on finances in the computer - checkbooks - his and mine. We talked about the bills he is going to help pay since this is the first month since we got separate checking accounts. He is still going ot pay half the house note and half utilities. OK. <BR>Then, he came in the kitchen and had all these figures on a pad and was going over them, blah, blah, blah. He started going on and on about how strapped for cash he was going to be by the time he getsd his own place, etc. (he is currently living with a guy friend). He was complaining about how little money he would have and not be able to pay his jeep note, etc. I have been driving his company mini-van, so we agreed to switch cars, with me assuming the jeep note. OK, I can financially handle it.<P>Then, he kept saying how much money I was going to have - what a good position I am financially - my checking acct. balance looks good. He then said "Well, YOU are the one who makes all the money around here, and it shows!" Yes, I do make more money than my H. <P><BR>He made several comments about paying half the house note and the utilities - I don't think he really wants to, but he offered once and I took him up on it! Reason about the house is we have an active lawsuit on our house about a fradulent survey and flooding problems, etc. So it is too hard to try and set a price for what the house is "worth" right now with the lawsuit pending, to buy the other one out.<P>Anyway, he complained some more about his financial situation - couldn't pay a bill due now until he gets paid on Friday, etc. Then, he said, "Life just ISN'T fair!" Boy, NSR, I had to PRAY to keep my mouth shut on THAT ONE!!!!! He then re-thought paying the half of the bills we had agreed upon and said it didn't seem fair for him to pay half when he wasn't "living here and getting the benefit of being here." I NICELY reminded him that I NEVER asked him to leave this time, and I NEVER threw him out - he CHOSE to leave. He backed down and said, Ok, OK.<P>Then, he looked really sad. I asked him if he was happy and he said YES, YES (looked fake to me...!). He then said he had talked to oldest son today and heard we had a big crowd for Thanksgiving. I told him we had a GREAT holiday - 13 in all and a really good dinner and good time. He looked sad, again. I asked if his holiday was good and he said Yes, we had a good time <blech, blech and double blech!><P>Then, I asked him do we need to talk about any other things? He said no. I said what about the other money we have in co-joint accts? He said leave it for now. He never mentioned Christmas or the D he had said he wanted. <P>Then we went outside and changed cars and car keys and he walked over to tell me goodbye and put his arms out and lips out to kiss me. I hugged him, only and he said, "What, don't you want to kiss me anymore????" I said, "Well, H, is just seems too weird to kiss you right now." He was flabberagsted! Then he got in his car (mini-van) and drove off....<P>I was left sitting here wondering what the hell happened today......????????<P>Insights, please??????<P>Roll Me Away<P><P>------------------<BR>"Life is made up, not of great sacrifices or duties, but of little things in which smiles and kindnesses and small obligations, given habitually, are what win and preserve the heart and secure comfort."<P>Sir Humphry Davy<BR>

RMA - I'm sitting here scratching my head and going "huh?".<P>You never know, do you? Could be the holidays are really making him think. You never know.<P>You're handling things great! Just sit back and watch. I guess that's the only way to really see what's going on in his head.<P>Good luck to you!!<P>Lori

Lori,<P>Maybe you are right - he was possibly missing us for the holidays.<P>Thanks for responding! <P>Roll Me Away<P>------------------<BR>"Life is made up, not of great sacrifices or duties, but of little things in which smiles and kindnesses and small obligations, given habitually, are what win and preserve the heart and secure comfort."<P>Sir Humphry Davy<BR>

Ya know RMA, I never know what to tell people when they get those mixed signals from their wayward spouses... so I usually keep my mouth shut. Don't know what's making me say something this time... <P>My gut reaction is to say "don't get your hopes up too much." There's usually an awful lot of waffling going on in these situations (just ask lostva, she can write a freakin' NOVEL! ).<P>Yeah, there are some good signs, but they're kinda slight, and based on your interpretation of his reactions (facial expressions, etc.). *Blech*... I don't mean to be a downer, cuz there does sound like some a bit of a crack in his facade going on there... but at the same time, I would council caution.<P>take care,<BR>--andy

Andy,<P>THANK YOU!!!!! I am SEARCHING for the reality checks!!!!!! I actually am doing REALLY good. I am holding myself out for a filet mignon, and nothing else will do! If H doesn't want to give it to me, I am fully prepared (Hope so!!!) to move forward and find it elsewhere!!!<P>My H would like nothing better than to get me engaged in this mess and i am mightily trying to extricate myslef and let him have his oW and let her try to meet all his needs. If she is successful, then so be it. However, if she can't, the walls will come tumbling down.<P>Today was I think, the FIRST time some sense of REALITY and CONSEQUENCE hit my H - uh, with only one income now, I won't have as much disposable income - YEAH, DUH??????<P>Thanks for keeping me in check!!!!! <P>Roll Me Away<P>------------------<BR>"Life is made up, not of great sacrifices or duties, but of little things in which smiles and kindnesses and small obligations, given habitually, are what win and preserve the heart and secure comfort."<P>Sir Humphry Davy<BR>

Desiree, I think you and I read to much into things that are really nothing. We want to see things that aren't really there because we want our Hs to come back. I am the worst aat this. Seems we have one more thing to add to our list of things we have in common making more money then our H or at least I did. I think it is time for both of us to step back and take care of ourselves and let go of them. I'll email you more later.<P>------------------<BR>di<P>

Yes, Diana - it just rattles me seeing him even a little bit! I know I read to much into things, that is why I posted this, so you guys would knock some sense of reality into me. Save myself some useless thinking!<P>Where are those 2 x 4's and frozen salmon when ya need them????????<P>Desiree<BR>Roll Me Away<P>------------------<BR>"Life is made up, not of great sacrifices or duties, but of little things in which smiles and kindnesses and small obligations, given habitually, are what win and preserve the heart and secure comfort."<P>Sir Humphry Davy<BR>

RMA...<P>I don't know exactly how to interpret H's mixed messages to you either...<P>But... all in all I take it as more promising than most! <P>You have a few "advantages" over my situation...<BR>1. H still uses the house for his field office... (tied to house... although not you)<BR>2. H walked over to tell you goodbye and put his arms out and lips out to kiss you... (signs of affection possibly)<BR>3. H is currently living with a guy friend... (not OW yet...)<P>I don't want to get your hopes up...<BR>But it does seem more promising...<P>It seems to be a tough thing though to do a Plan B... with so much contact...<BR>- Him coming into the house... whenever<BR>- Unlimited time to "chat" with him<BR>- Hugging him<P>I hate to say it... maybe a little tougher on the Plan B... (I'm probably out of line here... maybe)<BR>- limit "financial discussion times"<BR>- No hugs (I know this is h@!! for you too!)<BR>- hey... get a different car... isn't the Jeep "his" dream... how about your own dream?<P>H@!!... is <B>life fair</B> to anyone involved in an affair (betrayed/wayward)?...<BR>I think NOT!<P>I really don't think you have to be mean to H in Plan B... but a solid dose of "reality"/"financial" check isn't harmful...<P>I know my W will be getting more of it later this month... and next month too.<P>Prayers for you tonight.. today... <BR>A lit candle for you too!<P>Jim

RMA: It sounds like your H is finally getting a dose of reality. Life isn't so green on the other side. With the holidays here, I'm sure that he is thinking about the past and feeling melancholy about it. Just keep doing the Plan B. You are doing great.

NSR,<P>Thaqnks for the reply. I was out of my office all day and just got to a computer - sorry late getting back to you.<P>I don't hug H anymore (WANT to - REALLY BADLY - and WANTED to kiss him - REALLY BADLY - I am NOT doing good with this no sex thing! <P>Actually, we don't see each other much at all - H usually shows up after he knows I have left for work and he leaves before I come home or I stay away until I see his car gone.<P>OK, what gave me the "glimmer" was two things:<P>1) H is FINALLY realizing there is going to be SOME negative impact here - I will be better offr financially than him. H will do alright, just be limited on disposable income once he and S get a house to rent. TOO BAD!!!! I don't want to see him hurt, but, again, - his choice, so, TOO BAD!!!<P>2) I can't really figure out why he continues to want to "kiss me goodbye" whenever we do see eachother. Used to also kiss "Hello". I stopped it after talking to my counselor for this reason - I think he looks at the kiss as a "validation" that I don't hate him and "everything's still OK with me and him". Well, it ISN'T OK for him to have a mistress and be married to me, so I stopped it! What are your thoughts on this? I am VERY nice to him - offer food if we are eating, something to drink, make extra coffee in the morning so he has a pot when he gets here, etc. I just don't want to continue doing all the things he always relyed on me to do, since he no longer lives here. It is a struggle to know what is "right" and what I probably "shouldn't" do.<P>The kicker was HIM saying life ain't fair! I ALMOST hurled a sarcastic remark back, but just kept my face as neutral as possible and said nothing. No, life isn't fair to me, either!<P>In all this, I definitely also need the reality check airheart and SDS gave me, too. I have no killed my hope 100%, yet, although there is hardly any left. I do want to talk to my counselor this Friday and set a firm dealine for myself. I need to have a termination point and a plan, too.<P>NSR, I just got "Love must be Tough" from the library today - I had to wait for it. I hope to get a better understanding from it. I have been WAAAYYYYY too lenient, I think. I am working on being "tougher" - My attitude has always been to treat people well and they will reciprocate - well, not always!<P>NoTrust,<P>Thanks for the mental boost! Yes, this was H's first holiday away from us. I think he was disappointed the kids didn't call HIM! I didn't stop anybody, but I also didn't encourgae them, either. If H and I had been D'ed, I would have been sure to remind kids to call him. Under the circumstances - he was in FL at OW's house, and kids all knew it - I did not feel I should bring it up to them. If any of them wanted to call him, they know his cell phone number. I think THAT was another consequence that he just hadn't thought about, either.<P>He hasn't mentioned Christmas, and I had brought it up several weeks ago and H said he hadn't decided what he was going to do, yet. Well, I am not asking him again. If he wants to spend time with us, he is welcome, but he will have to bring it up. I am not expecting him to be here, though.<P>Roll Me Away<BR><P>------------------<BR>"Life is made up, not of great sacrifices or duties, but of little things in which smiles and kindnesses and small obligations, given habitually, are what win and preserve the heart and secure comfort."<P>Sir Humphry Davy<BR>

Roll Me Away, <P>I am totally screwed up right now so I don't want to give any advice. I just found your husband's comment to you pretty strange. Why in the heck does he think you don't want to kiss him anymore? Are the spouses that are in affairs blind or what?<P>I hope you are doing well. <P>SHA

SHA,<P>Yes, I just read your thread and posted back to you.<P>My candle is going in GA tonight and prayers for you and your family.<P>You know, women always say there are no more good men left! Yes, there are TONS of good men out there and you are one of them!! Your wife is another foolish woman!!!!!<P>She needs to CHERISH the loving H she has!! <P>Of all attributes, I love a FIGHTING SPIRIT so much! You hang in there, SHA, and us your best weapons - your BRAIN and your HEART!<P>Thanks for taking time to post support to me!!<P>Desiree <P>------------------<BR>"Life is made up, not of great sacrifices or duties, but of little things in which smiles and kindnesses and small obligations, given habitually, are what win and preserve the heart and secure comfort."<P>Sir Humphry Davy<BR>

Desiree, <P>You have gone and done it. Tears are now flowing as I type. Thank you for the kind words. Some times I wonder if I'm a good man or not. I think I am. But, I think that perhaps I took my wife for granted for too long and she is unwilling to give me that second chance. I think through all of this I am a better man. I'm just running low and things look bleak right now. <P>You have grown so much in the last month or so that you have posted. You're a strong lady with a heart the size of Georgia. I really hope the best for you. Why can't our spouses see this side of us? I just hate infidelity so much. Society makes such light of it singles someone out and performs its deadly work. <P>I liked the candle idea and I have started that too. My wife just asked why I am lighting so many candles now, I just smile and tell her it helps me remember things. My candle will be lit when I get home.<P>Your a good lady in every sense of the word.<P>SHA

SHA,<P>I know my H suffered at my hands - my EA and my lack of support for him whent he sh^t hit the fan in his personal life. I just did the best I could on that second part. Didn't have a lot left to give him for support after all I had been through with my Dad.<P>Yet, through ALL this, we ALL did things poorly - me and my H and you and your W and everyone else.<P>What I have yet to comprehend is this:<P>Why are we so willing to forgive our S's for whatever transgression they have caused us, whether we are the betrayed or the betrayer here on this forum, yet by and large our S's are NOT so willing to FORGIVE US!!!!<P><sigh> <double sigh> and, <triple sigh>!<P>Oh well, as you point out, we are all GROWING emotionally and spiritually and that is something that can only BENEFIT us no matter how things end up with our marriages.<P>I feel LUCKY to know everyone here. People like you have contributed to my personal growth. See, SHA, I TOLD you that you were a good man and my progress is the proof!!!!<P>Desiree<P>------------------<BR>"Life is made up, not of great sacrifices or duties, but of little things in which smiles and kindnesses and small obligations, given habitually, are what win and preserve the heart and secure comfort."<P>Sir Humphry Davy<BR>

Roll Me Away - I hesitate to interpret your husband's behavior as I've been wrong too many times when I've tried to view these things as positive signs. What I did notice was YOUR STRENGTH. No matter what happens you will be not only okay, but a stronger person. (I do still have hope for you as your H seems to be getting a dose of reality now). I don't know where you live, but where I am from, you, as the higher wage earner, could end up paying your husband alimony should you divorce. (An acquaintance of mine is paying her ex h alimony because she now makes more money and he is the one who was a deadbeat, had an affair and left - talk about unfair!)<BR> Simone

Simone,<P>THANKS for noticing that I am getting stronger. Yes, I AM. Educating myself, praying more, coming here and being supported and supporting others, going to weekly counseling - all these things have helped me get over the traumatic shock of this and re-gain my self-esteem and strong footing.<P>Thanks for the concerns about my financial situation. I do not think I would have to pay alimony - both my H and i are in professional positions that pay really well. Just so happens, I get paid more. It never bothered im at all - he has always supported me and bragged on me to others. It never bothered him, I should say, until now. He has mentioned it quite a few times over these past 9 months.<P>I wonder if he is worried I wouldn't love him anymore if he lost his job - his industry is contracting and collapsing greatly. His company had to layoff 40% of the field force nationally in Feb, which with his B's death the same week and coincidentally - the affair started the SAME week! I asked him if he thought I would not love him anymore if he lost his job, and he said "No, he knew I would," but it was said with little conviction and I was not convinced. Just another thing for him to worry about, I guess.....<P>Roll Me Away<P>Roll Me Away<P>------------------<BR>"Life is made up, not of great sacrifices or duties, but of little things in which smiles and kindnesses and small obligations, given habitually, are what win and preserve the heart and secure comfort."<P>Sir Humphry Davy<BR>