Well, my two weeks are up today and I will be moving back into the apartment today. W and I discussed this on Thursday night and I asked if this time together was worth repeating. She said that it was but she needed a week or two alone again before we tried another stint.<P>I also asked her if the two weeks had changed anything about how she felt or how she was leaning and she responded that it had made her feel a little more like trying to work things out(three weeks ago she said she was leaning toward divorce).<P>I wish I had the faith(trust) to believe her completely. There have been so many lies and deceptions(which she doesn't know that "I" know about), that I am unable for some reason to take her statement at face value. I suggested that we touch base each Friday to see if I can come back that weekend for another try. I have a little hope, but it is overwhelmed by the lack of trust into a feeling of being patronized.<P>During the first weekend together, she seemed distant, like she wasn't really there. I asked her about it and she said that she was off in another world thinking about things(that was Saturday). The next day she seemed really down and when I asked her about it, she said she was feeling very depressed and she didn't know why. I don't know if she really doesn't know why or just won't talk about it. During this last week she had described herself as "unhappy"<P>If I try to look at this positively, I could see that maybe she is toying with the decision of ending things with OM and is suffering "pre-withdrawal". We really didn't do much during the last two weeks except working on x-word puzzles, drinking wine and talking about "safe" issues like work, our cats, the house, etc. I told her that if it was the x-word puzzles that had effected her slight change of mind about what to do that the next time I came, I would bring several boxes of puzzle books. She returned a small laugh.<P>The other possibility for her down moods would be that she knows in her heart that she doesn't want to make this work and can't find the courage to tell me. She has a history of sometimes just telling me what she thinks I want to hear. Several times during the last two weeks, I "begged" for honesty and forthrightness by saying I have demonstrated to her over the last three months that I can take what for me is devastating news and just absorb it, respond in a calm, thoughtful fashion and then try to break the dour mood with a tiny bit of humor. I told her I would really appreciate her being honest with me regardless of how she might think it will make me feel. She isn't aware that I know she has some kind of trip planned. I know the destination, but not the timeframe or whether it will be with family(absolutely OK with me), or OM(I will initiate divorce). I do know her family knows about the trip and she has assured them that she hasn't told me so I know that I'm not welcome.<P>She continues to make plans about the short-term future. There is a concert I am dying to see at the end of October and she said she wanted to go with me. I have the tickets now and she was speaking yesterday of how she would probably take the day of the concert and the next as vacation days from work because it will be a weeknight. I probably could start planning lots of stuff within the short-term(2-3 months) and get her agreement, but it scares me to make lots of plans for us, only to have her decide to end things tomorrow.<P>In what was probably a "love-buster", I told her that it was hard for me to find things to do together because of our tenuous situation. I reminded her that she was often talking about us doing things over the mid-term(6-12 months) when we were together and then a while later, talk about leaning toward divorce. I have insisted to her that even if we divorce, as long as she respects me, my feelings and conducts herself with some honor, I would like to remain friends. I decided to clarify this Friday night by saying(and this is the probable "love-buster") that if we went the divorce route that there would be no "dating", no coming over on weekends for visits, etc. I said that if that was the way things had to be then I would want to get my life back in order and move on. As far as being friends afterward, I said that anytime she needed someone(in other than a romantic or sexual way), that I would be there for her, but I couldn't foresee us doing things together just as friends for quite a while.<P>She really didn't respond to that, but I believe that she has had it in her mind that we could divorce and continue "dating" and seeing each other. I am not going to get drawn into that.<P>Anyway, I guess I'm not looking for any advice or anything, just needed to kinda vent and get this out somewhere, someway, and this forum is about the best place in the world for that.
