Hi all. Had a good talk with my H today about what emotional needs his affair was meeting, while I had mentally "checked out" of our marriage because of my depression. So I just felt like sharing.<P>He said the OW was fun and she liked to go out, and to a certain extent, he liked her admiration, like she was putting him on a pedestal. Also, while I was depressed, we were not having sex very often. So, with this information, and of course, Harley's questionaire, I've pinpointed my H's top three emotional needs:<P>1. sexual fulfillment<BR>2. admiration<BR>3. recreational companionship<P>Interesting. It all seems so simple, once you start looking at it in terms of emotional needs. I'm reading Harley's "Surviving an Affair", and it really hit home about how affairs begin if the betrayer is not getting his/her needs met at home.<P>So all that soul-mate stuff is a bunch of crap. Your soul-mate is the one who's willing to meet your needs and make you happy, and you're willing to reciprocate. My husband IS my soulmate. I love him more than anything.

Marlo,<P>Yes, I agree about the emotional needs being highly important. But, I also think even more important are GREAT COMMUNICATION skills. So what if you try to tell your S they aren't meeting your needs if your S never listens or never really HEARS!?!?!<P>Roll Me Away<P>------------------<BR>"Life is made up, not of great sacrifices or duties, but of little things in which smiles and kindnesses and small obligations, given habitually, are what win and preserve the heart and secure comfort."<P>Sir Humphry Davy<BR>

Marlo,<P>I'd say you pretty much nailed it. It sounds so easy and it is straight forward. Sometimes it is hard to get the S to see it though. You sound like you are making progress. What did H say about the results of the survey?<P>JL

Roll Me Away: I'm with you on the great communication skills. My H and I are blessed with the ability to communicate very well. For example, when I discovered the affair, we sat down and had a very rational talk about what we wanted, what wasn't working, and if we thought we could make it work. Of course, the night before while he was out of town, I emptied his bookshelf onto the floor!!! Without good communication, it's hard to even get started.<P>JL: My H was into the survey. He thought it was interesting. We both actually share the same top four, although not in the same order. That's probably because we don't have any children, so financial support, family commitment, and domestic support aren't very high for either of us. We do a pretty good job of splitting the chores!<P>His:<BR>-sexual fulfillment<BR>-recreational companionship<BR>-affection<BR>-honesty & openness<BR>-admiration<P>Mine:<BR>-affection<BR>-honesty & openness<BR>-recreational companionship<BR>-sexual fulfillment<BR>-conversation<P>You'd think with as well as we communicate, this never could have happened to us... but it did. Oh well. We're not made out of titanium.