I know yall were congadulating me for not calling, but I had to. I needed to make sure she got my E-MAIL about leaving a key for me at MIL when I go pick up the kids.<P>Well on the phone today she was rel short with me. I asked what was wrong( and I know she HATES that) she said she was just tired. I aske if she had company.( possible LB) She said no she haddent heard from him today. <BR>She then asked me " your not coming stait here after work are you?" From past experiences with her there probably is a reason she dont want me there. I could be wrong though. I told her no She wants me to go some time after 7:00pm. What does it really matter what time I go over there.<P>I'm not mad or upset abou this, it just gets your mind working when you dont know what someone is doing. It like I'm in the dark trying to find my way out, and so far I can see a very very very dim light.<P>------------------<BR>brownphdt<P>

It's ok. It's hard. You didn't do anything terrible.<P>Don't look for too much light right now. Just keep doing what you're doing. <P>Hang in ther.<P>Lori

You have to not think about what she is doing. if you do you will drive yourself crazy. I know, I've done it. Do yourself a favor and don't go any earlier as it will probably only upset you or lead you into LBs.<P>Only time, reality and showing your w you have changed can her affair. Nothing you do to show her reality can end it. They just don't accept reality from others.<P>Hang in there and God Bless

I'm not gonna go till the time she has set for me to be there. LB is the last thing I want to do. <P>Some times i say things I dont think are LB, but to her it seems like certain thungs are. Does that make sense?<P>------------------<BR>brownphdt<P>

brownphd -- Whether you realize it or not, what you feel are simply rambling, inarticulate thoughts are things that most, if not all of us can understand perfectly well. We've been there.<BR> <BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>It like I'm in the dark trying to find my way out, and so far I can see a very very very dim light.<HR></BLOCKQUOTE>OK brownphd, this may sound a little stupid, but bear with me a minute. . . Think back to when you were a small child. Do you remember the first time you woke up in the dark and were scared to death that the whole world would never been light again . . . You may or may not have yelled for your folks, remember? Then suddenly, you realized that at the end of the hall . . . seemed like five miles long that night remember? There was a faint light. Maybe you even heard the TV, or your parents voices. . . Remember? It was then that you actually started to calm down a little. Sure you were still scared, but you felt a little bit better. Remember?<P>This dark place that you describe is just like the one way back then . . . As your W starts to open up to you a little bit more, as she begins to trust that the changes you have made are in fact real, then you will start to feel that little bit of relief, just like you did way back then.<P>. . . Well at least that's how it was for me anyway <P>Relax my friend. It will get better. I hope my feeble attempt at regression helped in some way. Or at the very least, brought a smile to your face. <P>God Bless<p>[This message has been edited by Empty Shell (edited November 29, 1999).]

ES You defitly did bring a smile to my face, and I'm still laughing. <P>YES YES I REMEMBER.<P>I understand what you are saying. It makes perfect sense to me.<P>You make everything so much clearer. SHe has indeed opened up alot more to me. We even talked about the pregnancy lastnight. First time since it happened. She even told me that she talked to her dad about us.( He told me she came to him). She said that he said if she didnt want this right now not to do anything that might mess thing up for the future. She told me that she is affraid she has alredy done that. This is really hard to handle. Because That dont matter to me. I know she made a mistake, and I can foegive. Its tying to make her believe in me that is hard. <P><BR>She has told me that I will end up throwing it up in her face( we used to be pros at that). I told her that part of me has died. I will not do that any more, And the only reason we did it was to make the other hurt as bad as I/her were feeling.<P>Here I am rambling again. I was burning this key board up. Just telling yall what I want to say to her.<P>ES did youget my e-mail?<P>Thakns for everything<P>------------------<BR>brownphdt<P>

brownphd -- Haven't had a chance to check E-Mail in a while. I'll go check then be back. . .<P>God Bless

brownphd -- In the immortal words of AOL (always off line) . . . You have mail.

I forgot to mantion somthing she also said lastnight (like I said before there was alot)<P>She said she has noticed abig change in me with the kids. Old me didn't change diapers, play with him( not much anyway), didn't feed, or give baths. the old me was always tired and wanted to go to bed( I guess it was my way of escaping all the crap that was goin on at the time)<P>Now all I want to do is those things, and I do when I have the chance. Remember when I posted about her blowing up? She told me it was because she sees how my baby looks at me, and my oldes askes for me. and loves it when I'm there. She says this is hard for her, cause she know how much they want me there, and how much I want to be there.<P>REMEMBER, I DID MAKE IT OUT OF THE DARK EVENTUALLY...lol<P>------------------<BR>brownphdt<P>

brownphd -- And you will make it out of the dark again.<P>Do you remember a couple of weeks ago, when I told you that the cracks were starting to show in her facade? She just told you (OK, so she told you the other night) that I was right (for a change )<P>You are really going to make it. You have got to believe that.<P>God Bless

I was just thinking about that also. that wierd aint it. Hopefully you are right<P>------------------<BR>brownphdt<P>

Also, she has not said anything else about the DV papers. Maybe she for got, I take that back. She said somthing about it last night. I hear everylittle word I know that can't be good. She said "if and when it happens", and I forget after that. <P>Man I wish I had a recorder...lol<P>------------------<BR>brownphdt<P><p>[This message has been edited by brownphd (edited November 29, 1999).]

brownphd -- It wasn't very long ago, that she said "IT" WAS going to happen. Now she is say "if and when." You're making progress my friend. You're making progress.<P>God Bless

I see the progress, but is it normal for them to be wanting to talk one day and then the next seem like they could care less? <P>I saw her pretty much all weekend. I didn't go to her parents house though. I didnt do anything really. Fri. I went to her Grand mothers. that night I went out with some friends. She didn't like that though, but then she will say, " dont put your lifeon hold waiting foe me. If youget a chance to go out go out." I said I do.<P>This wa another thing she said lastnight. Somthing I wanted to forget<P>------------------<BR>brownphdt<P>

brownphd -- Sounds to me like she is still "testing" you. Just keep doing what you are. Let her "see" the truth, don't tell her.<P>God Bless

I know that is what it boils down to, and I have dine well not pushing. It is really har when there is a crack not to find the first thing I can and try to pry it open.<P>------------------<BR>brownphdt<P>

brownphd -- One final thought before I turn in for the night.<P>Trying to force open a small crack is more likely to result in the pry bar being damaged than the fissure being opened any further. One small crack will not bring down a dam, but many small cracks will sufficently weaken the structure of the dam itself, and will ultimately lead to the dam's collapse.<P>Don't push, don't pry. Just be there to rescue her from the flood when the dam finally bursts.<P>. . . And on that note, I am going to bed. Good night my friend. I am praying for you guys.<P>God Bless

wow that was good Good night and I will get back tomorrow.<P>Thanks <P>------------------<BR>brownphdt<P>