(This is the edited version with some paragraph breaks for readability. Thanks to all for the input!)<P>This is not exactly as things happened. I've said most of my apologies already, so it may sound like my levels of remorse or pain have subsided. They have not. I find myself in the unenviable position of having been the betrayer and now feel that I am the betrayed. The shoe feels pretty bad on both feet.<P>To tell my story it would be so easy to lay all the blame at the feet of others, as it would be equally easy to focus it all on myself. Neither are accurate or fair. As a matter of fact, assessing levels of blame are useless. Both I and my SO have failed each other and ourselves so completely that the likelihood of reconciling is a very remote and unlikely prospect. The other people involved in this are not exactly innocent bystanders, as they play their roles without fully knowing what they are involved in. I am here, sharing myself to others in hope of finding a lesson to be learnt from all this that will atleast make the fires of the ordeal bearable and maybe open up my mind to the way reconciliation could be achieved if it becomes a possibility.<P>Okay, let's get a few basic things said up front in case my telling of the facts doesn't get my feelings across. I was the betrayer; I strayed from the warm light of love and acceptance because of my fears and weakness. I still try to minimize the whole ordeal, more to make it seem less hurtful and easier to deal with. The truth is, I can't sleep at night, I write and obsess endlessly about it and am now even seeking both the counseling of professionals and the support of 'regular' people like yourselves. You may not understand how far out of myself this is. I'm an amazingly guarded individual and feel everything so deeply. So I have spent a life protecting myself through lies, fantasy and misdirection. Then when the person who I actually want to share everything with comes along, I find that I have none of the communication skills or self worth that only honesty can build in a person. I am now 32 and find myself looking at people and relationships in the scary light of honesty. An amazing thing seems to be happing, though. As I am unguarded and honest with others, they feel me worthy of trust and confided in me their hidden selves. It's tough to imagine how much trust and courage it must take for a prison and street toughened biker serving time for armed robber to breakdown in tears in front of you while telling you about being physically and sexually abused as a young boy. It makes you have a lot of respect for the trust someone has bestowed upon you and the inherent healing powers of facing the truth and the inherent healing power of the truth. Makes my being honest seem like a very doable thing.<P>I could start by telling who I am and how I came to be the man I am, but it would still only give my perspective on how I arrived at this place in life. Instead, I'll just try to go through the events and significant feelings involved in my relationship with the woman I can't believe is no longer there.<BR>I was 24 years old and dating an older woman for 3 years when that relationship stagnated. I opted for out in the most cowardly of manners; I simply disappeared. From the moment I actually left her house, I knew that I was doing the wrong thing. I had really thought that she would be better off with me just gone rather than my being honest and telling her that I just felt empty inside and that she didn't do it for me anymore. Really, I was being a coward and retreating back to a life time of avoiding issues. I hurt her really bad. She called me 6 months later and we got back together for 4 months. For me, it wasn't because I wanted her back in my life, but because I felt I owed her the chance to end things on her own terms. By doing so I thought maybe I could heal her pain, absolve my guilt and part on atleast amiable terms. We succeeded on the first two. As fate would have it, I was the one who called it off after finding out that I was only one of 5 men who shared her bed.<P>While we where back together, I met my soulmate. Have any of you experienced love at first sight? POW. No denying it, not then and not now. It really does exist and it is the most fulfilling and magical feeling imaginable. We only met briefly the first time, but both thought continuously about each other for months afterwards. We ended up meeting again through a series of events and mutual friends.<BR>She was involved with another guy at the time. We didn't call it dating, but what else do you call spending significant amounts of time with a member of the opposite sex, both knowing full well that a deepening bond was developing. Young and foolish, and very in love, we established behavior that would come back to haunt us in the end. We began to have an adulterous affair, as she did not break things off with her boyfriend right away and I let it happen anyway.<P>Fast forward 3 exciting, learning and love filled years. We'd been living together from almost the beginning. Our lives had hit a real rut and I wanted to jump start things. We decide to start a life for ourselves in a new city, her going to school and I running a computer store. We moved and things went down from there. I spent most of the first three months trying to recover from thousands of dollars lost in investing in the wrong people. Travelling back and forth between old city and new (a 10 hour drive in Northern Canadian winter driving conditions) drained me. When we were together, I felt pressured to be taking care of business. When taking care of business, I could only think of being with her. I got very little accomplished in a lot of time. Eventually we moved into a house (she had been staying in a student dorm with unhappy results for her) and I tried very hard to spend more time with her. She is a very people type person and I am a very do it myself type. We tried so hard that we nearly killed ourselves. Then I turned to crime.<P>I became involved with fraud on a rather significant level. Suddenly, I had the money to afford a good Christmas with my SO at her parents and almost enough to open my store. Then a month after the new year, I was arrested for the first time in my adult life. I was away on the other side of the country and we were both isolated from each other. I unfortunately lied at first about where I was, believing that I would be able to get bail and just leave any day. She eventually found out about a week later and boy did I feel like a dip ****. I ended up staying for a traumatic month that changed me so deeply it would be years before I came to grips with the amount I shut down. For her, it was no less traumatic.<P>When I returned, we were both in hurting and needy states. We tried to be there for one another, but never really succeeded in providing for the other what they really needed. Instead, we fell into the pattern of 'doing unto others as you would have them do unto you.' Sounds okay in theory, but in fact we are not all wired the same way. So we were in fact communicating our needs by doing the things we desired most rather than communicating this need and fulfilling the needs of the other and ended up doing some serious lovebusting. There was no malice. Quite the opposite in fact. We just didn't have a very good skill set to achieve the necessary results.<P>To compound this, another person became involved in our daily lives to the intolerable point of constant interference. While I was in jail, she was scared to be alone in the house without anyone else there. So a male friend from school moved in. I had met him months prior and identified him as a very bad individual for my SO to associate with. Aside from the obvious similarities in our physical appearance and rough around the edges backgrounds, I could see her being attracted to him. What I also saw in him was the killer and rapist he had become while serving in the French Foreign Legion (seriously, he was a scary, screwed up dude trying to absolve his guilt by taking Women's Studies at university).<BR>My SO actively encouraged him to stay even after I voiced repeated, and increasingly stronger disapproval. She defended him. She didn't even understand or see the infuriating pain she caused by telling me a little story about how she had made an effort to secretly spy on him while he was nude. She even had the arrogance to laugh about it and smile as she complimented his penis size. For the first time I thought about leaving. But instead I stewed and withdrew. <P>We soon moved back down to her parents place and guess what? She invited him to stay for the summer. I was furious! She soon said that she was sorry but couldn't kick him out as it wouldn't be fair and since her mother had actually invited him to stay for the summer, she could do nothing about it. What was the big deal anyhow? So that summer I began to deeply resent her and everyday contemplated leaving her for the blatant disregard of my feelings that she was actively involved in.<BR>Now I believe that infidelity, as with all things, is a state of mind. All actions stem from the mind. So when I saw her getting close to another man in the same manner as we had started out, I became very jealous. I confronted her on the issue and she down played her attraction and acknowledged his. Instead of being honest about it, she lapped up the power she held over this guy and the emotional reactions she got out of me. She even went so far as to make lewd comments about other men while in the company of the two of us. How did she think that made me feel to be disrespected so openly and with such uncovered malice? I ended up living in a friends basement and staying away as much as possible, going on weekends of fraud to get away from the pain of dealing with my life as much as for the money and life I was becoming addicted to. The criminal fantasy is a strong one, and one which I was living with a fair amount of success. I made and foolishly spent over $50,000 dollars that summer and had nothing more tan a few thousand saved up to show for it. Then in September, I was arrested on outstanding warrants from another province.<P>For the next agonizing 3 1/2 months she stood by me as best she could. I returned and we got an apartment together. I unfortunately gave in on the choice of places to live and ended up with something I was not at all happy with. I could not even sleep properly from the noise of traffic and the place gave off a very uncomfortable vibe. Slowly, I began to get depressed at the lack of progress in my life and in the stagnant state my SO was in. Her health and fitness deteriorated to a degree that affected her outlook on herself and her life. I tried to figure out how to help, but every turn was rebuffed, chastised, criticized or it just wasn't good enough. I saw that most of it was not even directed at me, but her way of dealing with being unhappy with herself. I failed her. I began to become more and more desperate and depressed in my quest for a solution. We hatched a plan for a new business that I could get involved with and it was one that I could do from home. So I set about getting back into crime and trying to build up a nest egg. The biggest problem at this time was in my thinking. To do such a selfish and ignorant thing as crime, you have to actively shut down the moral and caring parts of yourself. I was becoming frighteningly good at it after having spent a significant amount of time in jail (perhaps the most defensive and guarded environment possible).<P>On my trips, I became bored in the evenings and took to going to movies and playing a lot of pool. I don't know how it is in the States, but in Canada most every pub is a strip bar and they all have pool tables. I began to get in the habit of frequenting these types of places. Ladies, don't let any man tell you differently; going to these places will only lead a man¡¯s mind deeply into the realm of fantasized sex. I can think of 3 good friends whose relationships have suffered through infidelity and more that are being degraded by the men going to these places. Now I'm no weak spined goody goody, yet I can see how these types of environments encourage the depersonalization of women, empowerment of men through money and the trivialization of moral and relationship values. I do believe my buddies would lich me if the ever knew I said this. It affects everyone to a different degree, but to those of us who are more hedonistic, we sure as hell don't need to be putting ourselves into environments that encourage indulging.<BR>My SO was always complaining (and while I couldn't see the big deal at the time, now is a different story) about my going away and I had concocted a lie about other people doing the leg work so that she wouldn't worry about me going back to jail. What an unhappy, miserable, stupid liar I had become! And this was to the woman I loved. I began to honestly believed she would be better off without a loser like me and set about proving it.<P>My SO continued to live an ungratifing and depressed life. I became uninterested in her as a companion, and the sex was bland and routine with each of us there for our gratification and going through the motions to give gratification to the other. No sharing, no fulfillment. It was emotionally empty and my soul cried. I just bottled it up, withdrew further into my dual life of unreal fantasy and unfulfilling reality.<BR>Then in the middle of the summer, I went to have coffee with a friend of mine who gave me some of the worst advice of my life. I don't blame him for saying it; I blame myself for having listened. He advised me that if I was going to continue in a life of crime, I needed to be single. So I set about shutting down the relationship, with the easy situation coming about from my SO about to go to her parents house for a few months to house sit as they went away.<P>I went with a friend to his brother's stag. While we were jumping from bar to bar, we picked up this 19 year old girl. The foolish waif actually got into a van full of drunken strange men. I became her protector for the night, and I have to admit I enjoyed the role. The White Knight complex I think it's called. She was obviously looking to be saved and we hung out all night.<BR>At the end of the night, I offered to give everyone rides home, including her. The owner of the van had made a mysterious exit and we were all left at a strangers house with no car. She, I and my friend caught a cab. We dropped the friend off and we went to pick up my car. I 'generously' offered the couch for the night, but she declined. I then gave her a ride home, which was actually an hour away.<BR>When we got there, she was conveniently locked out of her foster parents home. We went to an all night diner and ate and talked. Then I again offered her my couch, as I was going to head home. She accepted.<P>At my place, I set her up on the couch, went and had a shower, then went to my bed. Not to long afterwards, she came traipsing down the hall and into my room. We talked and wrestled a bit then I rolled over to go to sleep. I remember thinking that this was totally unfair to my SO, and that I had better go put myself on the couch. That was when she snuggled up to the back of me.<BR>I bet that each of us has a certain little thing that makes us feel really good in an intimate situation. For me, having someone cuddle up to the back of me and 'spoon' is it. It had been so long since my SO had done this (I mean YEARS), that I just caved in. We kissed and touched. She repeatedly tried to mount up on top of me, but that was not what I wanted. It was the intimate contact, not the actual act of sex I had been starved for. We ended up talking and kissing the night away. I didn't realize how much I missed someone actually enjoying my company as much as she did. It was a totally selfish and deceitful situation. And at the time, it felt good.<P>The next morning we got up late and went to a local open market for breakfast. Slowly, the realization of my actions and their impact settled in. We went back to my place to get her things. My intention was to tell her that it had been nice, but I didn't want to get involved with anyone right now. I had lied to her, saying that my SO and I had already finished things off. I also portrayed myself as a financially secure business man. Everything with her was in keeping with the fantasy of my life of crime.<P>Unfortunately (or maybe fortunately), my SO and her sister's boyfriend were at my apartment. I avoided a direct confrontation between SO & OW with a very stupid lie, then forcing the issue that I was going to drive this girl home and then I'd meet my SO at her parents house. I didn't leave her much of a choice and I left with OW. I drove her straight home and said maybe I'd call sometime. Then I went to see my SO. <BR>We had a hell of a talk, where I down played the whole thing and tried to make myself look not so bad. I had said that she had in deed come spent the night in our bed, but that I had quickly gone to sleep out in the living room. Of course I left out the damning facts of the intimate contact. Things simmered out and I spent the night.<P>This may seem like a strange point to fixate on, but it took a major situation like this to get my SO to tell me about an incident the summer before. Her friend from school (remember the nutbar Foreign Legion had been drinking and the two of them were alone in her parents basement watching a movie on the couch when he got a little to friendly. What started as a pass quickly became him holding her down and beginning to force himself on her. Luckily, she managed to get a hand up to his face and nearly dug out one of his eyes. I even remember seeing him the next day and wondered what had caused such damage to his eye (it was very bloodshot and sensitive to the light). She even tried to down play it, saying that he felt really bad the next day and she felt it best to just forget about it. She actually allowed this rapist to stay at her house even after this. The kicker is, I had told her that he would try this exact thing only weeks before it occurred. She didn't tell me because she knew that I would have him out of the house immediately and most likely with the assistance of a few associates have him 'discouraged' from ever coming anywhere near my SO and I. I can understand the embarrassment of the situation for her (not that she has any reason to feel bad; no one deserves to be attacked). But she still should have told me. And she used this little confession as an on the spot bomb to throw me off balance. Kind of a ¡®See? I don¡¯t hide anything from you¡¯ tactic. She still is willing to talk with this creep when he calls.<P>A few days later OW called my pager and we got together for a game of pool. It turned out that she had spent the night after our encounter asleep in my apartment building, curled up in front of my door. At this point, I realized that what she needed was a friend and I wanted to stay and work things out with my SO. I don't remember how SO found out about my seeing OW again (I may have even told her when asked), but when confronted I agreed to call things off for good with OW. I saw her again and did just that.<BR>Things were strained at best at this time. I went to do one big fraud weekend (actually two in a row), but was arrested on the third day. SO reluctantly helped me out in the end, and I returned home 30 days later. SO and I started living together again at her parents. I hated it from day one and stayed away as much as possible (I even stayed in a hotel one night just because I didn't want to go back to that whole stifling situation). I still loved my SO. I always have, but was convinced that I was wrong for her.<BR>I think that if I'd actually had sex with OW that first night, I would not have gone back for anything more. But I kept thinking about her, wondering if maybe I could help her out by being a friend. I started resenting my SO for not trusting me with a friend of the opposite sex as I had trusted her. Of course I had forgotten about how that had made me feel for her to be spending time with someone she was obviously attracted to and who was attracted to her. I also conveniently overlooked the intimate contact we had already had. So I contacted OW again.<P>I got busted after maybe the second meeting by a bit of combined pager hacking between SO and a friend of mine. SO confronted me and was I ever pissed that she had accessed my pager. Of course she was justified, but in my defensive state I angrily attacked out and wanted to know who had actually accessed the pager, him or her. They both denied it, and I focused on this for a long time. I still do, as I just want to know the truth. I don't want to lay blame, it's just that someone was lying to me and not owning up when caught out. So here I was faced with someone who was asking me to be honest and do the right thing yet was not willing to confront the other pager party involved to let me get to the truth. It all sounds very weak to me now, but at the time it seemed to be a monumental incident. Mountains out of molehills.<P>I saw OW again, and again told her to be on her way. SO even called while she was in the car with me before I could finish saying goodbye. I did call SO back immediately and tell her exactly what I had just done.<P>In the next month I was arrested for a day and all my equipment for fraud taken away. My intention (again) was to have one last successful weekend at Christmas and be done with it for good. I was either going to go to school or do that business that would keep me at home. I honestly wanted to get on with things, but felt that my life was garbage. I felt like garbage. For me, if I don't have some measure of sanctuary in my home, I will go and find it somewhere else.<P>Just before Christmas, OW left a message on my pager telling me that she was now engaged. I began to think "Hey, maybe it would be safe to see her again." I did call her and we went for a game of pool. At the end I gave her a hug and wished her a good life and Merry Christmas. We went on our merry ways and I thought that it was a good ending.<P>Near the end of January, she called again and asked if we could get together, she really needed someone to talk to. I figured what the hell, I'm taking off for one of my weekends and could postpone my flight for an evening and leave on the early morning flight. There was also a Paul Rodgers concert that I had been thinking about going to, and this all seemed like a good set of excuses to indulge. So I went.<BR>We talked and suddenly she broke into tears. The guy she had been engaged to had been a heroin addict and had gone back to the drugs and disappeared with the rent in the night. I comforted her and felt genuinely sorry for this foolish girl. I invited her to the concert and we went. It was a good concert, and it ended late. I invited her to share a room with me (separate beds, of course). She accepted.<BR>I'm not going to insult myself with even trying to say anything other than the obvious. I invited her to the hotel with the sole purpose of having sex with her. Plain and simple, no fanfare, no hidden agendas. I remember the reasons that I thought were good ones at the time.<BR>¡°If I'm going to be treated like and called an adulterer, I may as well be one.¡±<BR>¡°I think it will do me good to get this out of my system.¡±<BR>¡°Maybe I will finally break things of with my SO and this is just the catalyst I need.¡±<P>There were a few others, but they were utter bull**** and only for justification. I actually believed the three I listed. The one I'd left out was probably the most honest of them all; It had been 5 years since I'd been with another woman, and I wanted to see what it was like. The crazy thing about it, the sex was consistently the worst, rigid and most unfeeling that I've ever had. I still don't know why I went back, but we slept together 2 or 3 other times. I actually don't remember how many times, they were so unmemorable. How pathetic?<P>I can only imagine the anguish that I was putting my SO through at this time. She was really trying. She even went so far as to take me out for a romantic island get away. But at the time, I don't even know what I was feeling. I literally went through the motions of my life and only remember the numbness and the occasional moment of beginning to see what I was doing. I would actively turn away from those moments of realization and focus on some stupid or mundane task. Forced ignorance is not a pretty sight. You also feel like the biggest fool the planet has ever been cursed with when you finally wake up from your daze.<P>I ended up having a moment that was like a slap in the face. I spent 5 hours being interrogated by the police then being let go the day before my 30th birthday. Actually, it was like a kick in the family jewels. As any guy will tell you, the pain is not instant. There is first a moment of shock then the sensation comes flooding through. Mine took three weeks to set in.<P>I was walking down the sunny streets of Las Vegas, when I was hit by the realization that I missed my SO. She had not come with me, as I had told her I needed a weekend to myself to think about my life. I actually do know what's best for me most of the time, but I had actively spent 5 years wearing myself down by denying myself what I truly needed. A little bit of no pressure self time for a day or two every once in awhile and I can clear my mind and get back on track. That's not how my SO is wired, so she never understood or allowed me those very needed little time outs. Eventually the taker in me took those time outs as my weekends of crime, but they did not help. They only created an even worse situation, because I would actively become something I was not. <P>So there I was alone in Las Vegas, missing my SO. It was painful missing her, the kind of longing that reminded me of how complete she made me feel when we were together. I realized for the first time in a long time just how much I loved her. I also started to think about what I needed to do to be a better man. I called her and asked her to come down and was really hurt when she refused. I flew home and vowed to myself to do one last weekend, begin my new business, get some of the schooling I'd been talking about for years and most importantly to end things with the OW.<BR>I set out to do just that.<P>Things went wrong. Instead of saying good-bye to the OW, I buckled and slept with her again.<BR>And I got caught on my weekend out and went to federal prison.<P>I should make a very large distinction here about going to jail in the past and prison now. There is a very real difference to a Provincial or local jail over the Federal prison system. In the lesser system, the jails are filled with petty criminals, drunks, and the occasional hardcore criminal who just happened to get a short sentence. For me, I felt superior to these people, and although the constant threat of fights and thievery was intolerable high, I could usually find some way to shut myself down and bear my way through it. The sentences were short, so there was always the ability to focus on a routine for 60 days and it would all be over. To do this, I would shut off everything in myself and fall into character of being a punk like everyone else. The big problem turned out to be getting myself out of character once I left jail. I never realized just how much baggage I had picked up from jail as when I found myself using friends to achieve my goals. This was never the person I had been as a young man, and as started to think about my attitude towards friends over the past few years I was horrified to see the man I had become. My ¡®survive and thrive at all costs¡¯ attitude had suppressed a much superior attitude of achieving win-win situations. I realized much of this over the next 10 months.<P>I knew that everything that I hoped to achieve had been thrown out the window by selfish actions. I also knew that this time, I would not be dealt with so lightly. In the end, I received a 3 year federal sentence. I became angry, depressed, confrontational, and was not able yet to deal with the responsibility or consequence of my actions. This would only come through the crushing pains of being exposed for who and what I really was. My SO is an incredible woman, with loyalties and commitment beyond what I could ever have believed possible. I brought up the idea that while I was in prison, she should feel free to do what ever she needed to be happy. I just asked that I never know if we were to continue once I got out. It's pretty easy now for me to see how I thought "well, if I did it, the least I can do is understand and forgive her for being as human as I, especially under the circumstances." (I no longer think this way.) She didn't really like the idea, but that changed soon enough.<P>3 months after my initial arrest, I was moved to a facility that I could use a prepaid long-distance phone card. I decided that I needed to call the OW and tell her the story behind my disappearance. I remembered the pain I had caused the woman earlier in my life when I had just up and left and felt that she had a right to know that I hadn't left because of her. Okay, I see that it was as much to lessen my own guilt over everything. I don't think anyone could have told me that though. I'm just to stubborn to let others tell me things when I'm not in a positive frame of mind. I called her and left a message that I would call her again the next night. She left a number of messages on my pager telling me how happy she was to hear from me and how much she missed me. I called my pager the next morning and wiped out the messages after listening to them.<P>It just happens that timing really is everything, and not always in your favor. The morning I had recalled my pager messages was my SO's birthday. When I called her to wish her happy birthday, I found out that this was instead the day I inflicted the single most pain on another individual. She had accessed my pager the night before and had found the messages from the OW. It all came out. Not all at once, but in the course of a couple more phone calls. She was understandably devastated. And alone. <P>My SO is not the most pro-social individual, as she often has difficulty seeing her own strengths and stays guarded against others. This has the unfortunate results of a very 'people person' type being isolated a lot. I had become the center of her world, and as I had gone down the spiral of my life, so had she. Now I was again removed from her life and she was icily wounded by the my act of infidelity. She was even deprived of the ability to see my reactions face to face, or to have the ability to contact me and vent as she needed. Although the act of betrayal is in a category of it's own, I now see the greatest pain I caused my SO has been through the isolation and loneliness that must have resulted in my constant trips away and extended absences in jail. As a responsibility in the relationship, I neglected her needs of companionship. I am a much more independent individual than most and often forget the need of intimacy and companionship. I could easily insert here my neglected needs and how I tried to communicate them to no avail. Then again, she could easily make the same statement. But that is what this is all about, isn't it? How two people who would never intentionally do harm to each other find themselves in such a position as to need to take from somewhere else that which they feel they are missing.<P>I called the OW and told her that I was in jail. It seemed that my SO had called her first and they had a little chat. Now one would think that after the OW had found out about the true kind of guy she had been used by, she would have gone her own way in a heartbeat. The strange thing was she kept saying that I was better off without my SO and that she would wait for me. She even offered to get listed as my common law wife so that she could come to see me for conjugal visits. I was stunned. I told her that I had no intention of letting her wait for me and she would be better off forgetting about me and going her own way. There were some tears, she said that I didn't know what I was saying and that she would wait for me to call again once I got my thinking back together. We said our good-byes and I couldn't believe the impact I had had on this poor girls life. I thought that I should try to do something to lessen the pain for her, but decided that when I hadn't called back in a week or two she would start the process of getting past this.<P>My SO and I had a lot of phone calls back and forth. A lot of tears and a lot of talking and we (more she) decided that we would continue to talk and see where things were at once I got out.<BR>It was at this time that she started to talk more about at trip to San Francisco that she had been on again off again planning for a few months. I immediately knew what the motivations behind all this were, as she had let slip on many occasions over the past year or so about a guy down in San Francisco that she had been having e-mail correspondence with. When I confronted her in the past about some of the people she had 'chats' with (they were almost exclusively men), she had become angry at my intrusions in her privacy and made light of any content (especially sexual) in the exchanges. People aren't stupid, and just as she had her suspicions about my affair I always had my suspicions about her chat buddies.<P>I didn't talk to her for two weeks as she went to San Francisco. When she came back, she was at first dodgey on details and expounded on little details. I figured that she would tell me when she was ready and didn't press the issue. I think my SO has always seen this attitude as indifference. Actually, I see it more as allowing people the opportunity to do the right thing or to give then enough rope to hang themselves. It is often an exercise in patience to not interfere with someone learning a lesson in life. Sometimes I wait a little to long and then the damage is done, but learning when to draw that line and step in (or offer a hand) is my lesson. The truth of her trip did come out soon enough.<P>She cried at the pain she was going through over the break up in the relationship between herself and this guy. The strange truth is, I felt compassion for her pains. I would have thought I'd feel "serves you right" or something similar. But I just wanted to be there and help her through her pains. We talked lots and eventually she started to admit that the two of them had begun to send suggestive e-mails way before she had discovered my affair. I listened and drew some stunning insights at the parallels between the situations we had both gone through. Don't confuse this as me thinking they were the same; they were anything but that. I simply mean that they had common elements that led me to start questioning more deeply the motivations behind my actions. This led to something I had stopped doing years earlier. Writing. I don't mean novels (although I've occasionally tried my hand at those), but writing down my thinking, my past, my plans and ideas for the future. It has been through this medium that I've always found my greatest ability to communicate. So it's no wonder that the promise of this site holds an almost magnetic appeal. I think I'm going to start recognizing the times that I don't write as danger periods where I'm not being good to myself.<P>As we worked out things over the phone, she had only one condition for even working at any measure of reconciliation; no contact with the OW for life. I agreed, but didn't understand the necessity of this until very recently (partly due to reading this site extensively). I am currently composing a letter to the XOW (a term I apply only to after I truly cut my willing contact) that I need to send due to the madness that has come from all of this. I plan on sending it the same day I post this.<P>About two months after our last phone contact, I received a letter in the mail from the OW. It contained a long letter about her life and how I had been the only man who had ever been nice to her. It should be read more as she thought of me as the first guy who didn't come along and simply use her solely for her body, because I really don't think I was nice to her. I was charming (to put it in the words of my SO of how I became while I was deeply involved in the frauds) and used that charm to draw from her what I wasn't getting out of my main relationship without having regard for her feelings. The letter also contained a series a pictures she had taken while she was being a model. Between the letter, the photos, and the fact that my SO had been telling me for months now that we were no longer together and likely not ever going to get back together (she kept telling me about the men who i on her and the couple of dates she went on) I decided to write back to the OW. As I wrote (which is the great thing about writing compared to talking) I came to realize the reasons for my writing her were false and shallow at best. I gave it some thought for a while and asked myself 'if I do write, what is the final outcome of these letters that I'm trying for?' Faced with the honesty of that question, I made a decision that I would in fact write to her, but let her see me and everything for what was really there, or not really there as was much more the case. So I wrote.<P>The next 4 months were uneventful except to say that the communication between my SO and I was at an all time high, except I had this dirty little secret. I figured I had another 6 to 9 months of prison time ahead of me before I could even transfer to my home area, let alone get out. I planned on using this time to end things gracefully with the OW by mail (I had written two letters in this time span). Then I was called into my parole officer¡¯s office and informed that I was not only being transferred to my home province, but I would be getting a day parole at a halfway house. Next week.<P>It was an amazing shock to my system. I was hardly able to think straight I was so excited. <BR>I called my SO that night and told her I was coming home. The shock and near fear in her voice knocked me back to reality. Her hesitation scared me out right. I understood in one huge wave the implications of my returning so soon. Including the unfinished business of the OW. I fretted for two days before being again summoned to my parole officer to be told that I would not be getting transferred when they first thought I was. Instead, it would be tomorrow at 4 PM. I would be back in my home town in time for a late dinner the next night. Massive tension and uncertainty.<P>I got on the bus home and about 12 hours out stopped for a meal break. I called the OW. I remember thinking that I should just hang up when she answered (so much for good thoughts). I quickly blurted out that I was coming back on a bus that night and that we should get together to talk in the next day or two. She immediately said she would be at the bus depot waiting for me. I couldn't even argue, my bus was reloading for departure. That was a really crappy bus ride.<P>When I got off the bus, I was shocked at the person I saw. All decked out in black Goth style clothing with enough metal stuck in her face and ears to be a lightning hazard. I realized right then that calling her was the right thing to do, because she was seriously screwed up. Now maybe it was a bit arrogant of me to think that I was the reason for her to have made all these changes in her life and it was. I was simply the object for a young girl entering womanhood to revolve around.<BR>We went and talked and she told me in a blurting, frenzied manner about how her father had sexually abused her, how she'd run away to the streets and been raped and used. Then she went to a foster home where her 2 foster brothers repeatedly raped and sodomized her and how she went unbelieved by her foster parents when she told them about it. How she had run away again, turned to prostitution for money and then to drugs to make it all bearable. She had be clean and off the streets for 2 years before she met me and I was the first man she had ever met who didn't just throw her to the side when done with her. How she was glad that things were going to work out between us. How she had started wearing a wedding ring and telling her friends that we were married. How she now needed proof from me that I wasn't just going to use her and hurt her. She said that no matter what, there would be no sex between us for 90 days.<P>Wow.<P>Oh wow.<P>I had never seen anyone in so much raw pain and in such need of someone to be a friend as I saw in her. I decided that I would use this 90 day 'no sex' zone as a buffer period to establish with her once and for all that there was never, ever going to be anything between us. That friendship was not even an option because I wanted my SO in my life and even a plutonic friendship with her would put that in jeopardy. But how to do it and leave her with a measure of self esteem? To let her know that things didn't work out not because she wasn't a good person, but because I had been the bad party? I see now the utterly impossible task I had undertaken. A trained psychologist with years of experience may be able, with more time than 90 clandestine days, to help her work through her problems.<P>I still feel for her, but I have made my peace with myself as having tried, as wrongly as I went about it, to make the best of a bad situation.<P>I spent the next two days wandering around the city thinking and feeling a mild culture shock. I finally got up the courage to call my SO and let her know I was back. I was so scared that she was going to basically do to me what I was doing to the OW and tell me it was over. I'm glad I took those few days to think things over, because I know in my heart that I made both the decision to end it with the OW and to turn away from a life of crime on my own. I think it is very important for decisions that big to be done for oneself so that there is no resentments or misdirected blame in the future.<P>As soon as I saw my SO I fell in love again. I don't know how to explain it at all, so I won't try.<BR>I wanted to tell her about my contact and plans with the OW right away but convinced myself that it was to soon. I think it was. But I waited way too long.<P>Things for the next 3 months consisted of me spending as much time with my SO as possible, with maybe a 1 hour game of pool or quick breakfast once every week or two with the OW. I thought she was getting the point and finally we had the 'go your own way' talk. It was after I had spent a part of the evening at her apartment. I was supposed to be at work, but risked the possible parole suspension (back to jail). As is my MO, when under pressure I take chances and turn up the heat. It was the 90th day of the no sex moratorium. We went out for diner then to her place. I'll skip the details because all that really happened was her trying to get me to wrestle with her while she was dressed in only a shirt and underwear (no suggestion here, eh?) and my telling her to go to bed, I'm going to sleep in the other room. I left in the middle of the night without saying goodbye. It was for effect. I had full intention of seeing her one more time, in public, and telling her that that was it. That's what I did. I left no possible misunderstanding that I did not want her in my life anymore, as my SO was the single most important person in my life. I tried to be nice but assertive. I felt that I succeeded. That was the end of June.<P>The whole time that I was dealing with the OW, I was telling her that I was seeing my SO again and that things were going well. I also told her that my heart belonged to my SO and that she would never have it. I told her these things repeatedly. I may not have done everything perfectly, but I was honest with her and never made ANY sexual advance, nor did I do more than give her a kiss on the cheek goodbye. I still believe that how I handled things with her was the right thing to do. I probably should have told my SO about it and given her the option to stick with me while I finished it or that we would put things on hold until I had finished. I didn't, because I was afraid that the only choices she would give me were end it now or we end now. I am sorry for not trusting that her renewed love was as strong as mine, but I know as an absolute fact (she and I have since talked about it) that she would not have let me try to do what I felt was the right thing. This was when I also began to question my SO's commitment to seeing us through everything.<P>In May (I had returned mid March) I was informed that I was facing more criminal charges from a crime that had occurred three years before. I was faced with the possibility of returning to jail and instantly saw changes in my SO's attitude and behavior. We had talked about when she was going to let her family know that we were back together and she was steeling up the courage to tell them. Now I could see that she was very unlikely to tell them unless I pressed the issue. I decided that was not very fair as it is her family, but to me I felt that she was ashamed to be with me. She repeatedly told me that as soon as her parents came back to town (the beginning of August) she would tell them. My suspicions turned out for the worst, as she never did tell them. We also talked at this time about my up coming full parole at the end of July and my moving into an apartment of my own. She was against it, but I wanted out of the halfwayhouse as soon as possible. I think she had her suspicions that I was still in contact with the OW, as I did not want to change my pager number. I had often offered the access codes to her, but she didn't want them. I didn't want to change my pager number because I have had that same number for 6 years and everyone who knows me has that number. It's interesting how she doesn't seem to remember my offering to give her my access codes from the day I returned and even my offering to change my pager number, but I wanted 2 months to contact all the people I wished to have continued contact with. I now see in the fine light of hindsight how changing my number and never giving it to the XOW would have made breaking contact even easier. It may have even been one of those small tokens that she may have been able to use to keep the faith later on. But I digress (again).<P>After my first court appearance, I understood that these knew charges would either go away or I would be found not guilty in court. I told this to my SO, but she seemed to fixate on the remote possibility of my returning to prison for an extended period. This was when an acquaintance of mine became a friend of hers.<P>In the first couple of weeks of my being at the halfway house, I considered the possibility of sharing an apartment with one of the other residents at the house. He was an armed robber doing his second federal sentence. He'd managed to kick a heroin addiction, but only after it cost him his right arm from continuously shooting up even though it was injured and abscessed from a car accident. He had a taste for movies which I shared and we began to hang out and discuss the possibility of being room mates. To the average person (and myself once I pulled out of my prison mode) he may not have been the ideal room mate. His tales of womanizing and crime should have also triggered a negative response, but my only real concern was getting out of the halfway house. (I'm currently back in the halfway house, this time voluntarily while I go through some counseling and schooling, and I have a very different view of it now that I am on my own.) My SO seemed to get along with him and at the time that seemed to give him a lot more credibility in my eyes. As I began to see him for what he was, I chose to ignore my instincts. Slowly, a friendship began between my SO and him.<P>I had begun to work at a print shop about 3 weeks after my release. I didn't particularly like the job, but realized that part of my problem over that past few years had been structure (I was semi successful as a self employed computer consultant and graphic designer) so I took the job. It became an overnight job 4 days a week starting in June and this led to my SO and I have less time together. She chose to fill it with his time. At first I didn't mind, as she did not have anyone other than myself as company. I had always done what I could to encourage her to engage in friendships and now that she had I didn't want to jeopardize her chance to work on her social skills. There were a few problems with this situation though. <P>The first was him. He was single, lonely and I could see the attraction he held for her. I even had a talk with him about the whole situation very early on and to be expected, he gave me the 'I would never do that to a friend' routine. The second was with her. My SO has consistently maintained only male friendships throughout her adult life. We also had a talk very early on and she denied that she even found him attractive (which I saw right through), but decided that maybe this was a situation that she needed to deal with on her own. I was very up front with both of them about my misgivings but let them both know that I trusted them to be up front and honest with me about things. I also told them that if I had any problems with it, I'd take care of it directly. I ended up waiting to long for them to be responsible adults and do the right thing themselves. The third problem was with the amount of time they spent together. When people of the opposite sex spend time together and they get along, a certain amount of fondness will naturally build up. In their case, he began to always be around. It became unbearable and stifling. I often rudely told him to go home so that my SO and I could spend time alone. My SO and I would make plans and suddenly he would be part of them, with my only finding out at the last second (usually while they were both waiting for me at the car). It was more often than not my SO who made the plans. I had more than one talk with both of them about this and told them that I expected them to spend less time together.<P>The relationship between my SO and the OM (as I will now refer to him as) sprouted just as I managed to have my final good-byes with my XOW. I wanted to tell my SO about everything, but when I would make plans to spend a day with her, he would be there. As I began to see things become suspect between them, I got more than a little apprehensive about this being the right time to tell my SO about my contact with the XOW. Then to add to the whole mess, my XOW began to show up at my work.<BR>I can't tell you how struck dumb I was to see her there. She said that she had forgotten that I worked there and that she had only come in to send a fax and use the computer rental terminal. I put her on the computer and promptly went on a break and nearly had a nervous breakdown. Not 30 minutes before, my SO had been in the store. When XOW was leaving, I told her that I didn't feel comfortable with her coming in while I was working. She apologized, said it was great seeing me again and left.<P>I hoped she wouldn't return, but she started to make it a regular middle of the night thing once a week. On the fourth or so time she came by, she was still there at the end of my shift. I offered her a ride to her work (which started in 1 hour) and we left together. I had just moved out of the halfway house a week earlier and was sharing a basement suite a few blocks from work with a co-worker. While I ducked in to change (I refuse to be seen in public in a stupid looking uniform), she slept in the car. She became impatient and my roommate must have let her in because I didn't even hear the front door. She came in my room and tried to make a pass at me. I got VERY angry and said a few choice words. We left and on the way to her work, I told her to stay the hell away from me and to stop going to my work. She apologized in tears and said how much she missed me. I said that I was sorry, but I thought she understood that there was never really anything between us and that it was already well past the time of us getting on with our lives.<P>I remember pulling away thinking very seriously about moving and quitting my job that day to ensure that she could not have any more contact with me. As the morning rolled on and I calmed down, I decided that there was no need to do any sudden or drastic actions. I did however redouble my efforts to get another job and even started talking with my SO and the OM about getting an apartment with the three of us. My SO's parents were returning in December and she is incompatible with her mother. We began looking for an apartment very seriously, but I soon decided that this was a very bad idea. It was now mid August.<BR>The XOW did show up one more time, but only to drop in for a minute and repay me $60 dollars that I had lent her way before for a bus pass. I thought she was gone for good. No pager messages, no drop ins to my work, nothing. Things between my SO and the OM were getting obviously out of hand, especially on his side, but she was obviously struggling between enjoying his attention and knowing that she would have to call things to an end. I talked very openly and honestly with her and told her that I would leave things up to her and that if she felt things were out of control, she could ask for my help and I would deal with it. I still feel that this was the best way to approach it. But I hesitated one last time to step in and then it was to late.<P>In mid July I gave my SO a ring. I had come to see us as husband and wife years before, but had only realized that rings and that little piece of paper make all the difference in confirming that commitment. More than anything, I think it let's each person know, beyond a doubt, that the other is committed to working through anything and has the love to follow up on that promise. I wanted to marry my SO the first moment I saw her. Seriously, after maybe 10 seconds of just being filled with this overpowering love for her, my first thought was honestly 'I want to marry this woman.' Crazy, eh? I never got the chance to tell her that. I was going to save it for right after the 'You may now kiss the bride.' The ring I gave her was not supposed to be an engagement ring. It was supposed to be a commitment ring. I bought the ring and planned on picking it up the next day and giving it to her just before I told her about my finishing things with the XOW and her starting to harass me at work. I didn't want her to put the ring on her finger until she had heard about my renewed (now ended) contact with the XOW, my wish to go to counseling together (and some on my own) and she understood that I was serious about never again keeping secrets between us. She came to pick me up at the house and guess what? OM was coming along to the movie to. I figured, 'hey no problem. We can swing by and I can grab the ring, keep it a secret until after the movie, drop him off, go over to her parents house, have the talk, give her the ring and everything will work out perfect!' Then after I grabbed the ring I got out voted on which movie to see, it started too late to do everything and I wimped out and decided to wait till the next day. I believe so fully now that you must seize the moment when it feels right. I dropped the ball.<P>The morning I came to the halfway house from work only to find that a long term resident had hung himself that morning. I don't believe in omens, but if there was one this was it. My SO came by later in the day and we went out to her parents. When I took out the ring, I jammed up. We were so filled with emotions I couldn't talk right. She managed to upgrade me through a little bit of guilt and pressure into a proposal, which I wasn't really against, and instead of the talk we made love. I had quickly decided that I would take Labor Day weekend off work and we would go away on a surprise weekend getaway. Her parents were coming over for a quick week in early August and would be long gone by then. I was also kicking the idea around in my head about asking her how she would feel about my moving in with her for September through November, then us getting an apartment together. I knew she hadn't told her parents we were back together yet and felt it was best if she told them first before we talked about staying together at her parents house.<P>In the last week of August, my life was under extreme pressure. My SO had began to drink with the OM, a practice I have no interest in including in my life and either had she in the 6 1/2 years we were together until the two of them began to hang out. She even came over to my basement suite drunk one night. I couldn't believe that not only had she driven drunk but she actually thought that even after I had told her multiple times that I really didn't like this new found drinking that I would even consider becoming intimate while she was inebriated. I could tell instantly that she had been drinking and she even went so far as to try to avoid kissing me at first to hide it. I was VERY unimpressed and disappointed. Add to this the financial pressures that come with working a job that makes only a meager living, the OM and his obvious influence on her, my job (which I now hated but felt financially trapped in), my SO's parents that were still here after 4 weeks and now not leaving until after Labor Day (actually, my SO was going away with them to help drive an extra vehicle to their out of town home then returning well after my days off), and my own pressured burden to disclose everything about the XOW. I began to make a very foolish plan.<BR>I planned on going away on a quick weekend of fraud on my days off (my SO wouldn't even miss me as she was going to be with her parents all weekend). I was on my own so I didn't have to worry about anyone checking up on me or knowing where I was. I had even lined up a new job in the same area that my SO's parents house was in. I planned on quitting my job once I came back, starting the new job, moving in with my SO at her parents house, having enough money to take pressure off myself for 6 months or more, telling the OM to hit the bricks, and hey! Everything's perfect, right?<P>Even before the weekend started, I saw that I was a fool. I was getting ready to throw my whole life away on crime again. I was sitting in front of a computer rental station making templates for laser printed checks at work and decided that this was a stupid idea. I ended up throwing away the practice checks, finished another project that I had come in to work on and went home. I went to sleep thinking that even though this was going to be a difficult time, all my plans could still work with leaving the crime out. I felt kind of proud about myself for that.<P>The next morning my life began to implode. My employers found the destroyed incomplete checks and fired me for theft (I had not paid for the 5 prints I had made). Of course it was for suspicion of fraud (they even called my bank and the police) but they used other reasons. As with most things, there is more to my dismissal, but I won't bore you with it all. The net effect was my telling my parole officer about the whole ordeal (minus my original criminal thoughts) and she promptly suspended my parole.<BR>I was now back in jail, separated from my SO without having had the disclosure talk and she was left to lean on the OM. After a week of my being on suspension, he confessed to my SO that he had fallen in love with her and wanted her to break things off with me and start things with him. The almost comical thing is that even now he contends with a straight face that he never 'did anything' until my SO had broken things off 3 weeks later. I don't know, but telling some one what he told her sure sounds like a 'did something' in my books.<P>My SO and I had a lot of talks while I was in the TD (temporary detainment unit). She even talked everyday about how both she and the OM were confusing loneliness and sex with love and friendship. We were going to try to work things out and she knew that one of three things was going to happen. I would get out at the beginning of October and have to return for a while to the halfway house or I would go to a minimum security facility close by. If it was the second possibility, then I would either be released again before 90 days or have my parole revoked and stay in until April. A minimum security facility here means open visits any evening and all weekend, weekend passes, work release programs, and unrestricted phone access all day and night. It would have been very easy to maintain a high level of support and contact. She knew all this. I also told her that the system was set up to give non violent, non drug related, non sexual related inmates lots of chances. I knew form the beginning that I would be out in 90 day. I was wrong, it took 94.<P>After 30 days, I was transferred to the minimum facility and called my SO to let her know she could visit anytime. She told me that the XOW had called her. The XOW had lied and told her that we had been having a physical relationship and that my SO should stay away as she had messed things up between her and I in the past. I was struck dumb. All I could do was deny that we had become involved again, yet i had to tell my SO that we had indeed had contact again. It's no wonder that she didn't believe me given the past and the fact that I had continued to hide my recent contact even once I had called it off. It is no wonder that she turned to the OM. I know that it was my not telling her what I was hiding that created this. Now they are together.<P>My SO (and I will continue to call her this until I no longer consider her my soulmate) and I had more telephone conversations capping off with her outright telling me that she was breaking things off and starting things with the OM. Even after she had admitted time and again that she wanted nothing more than friendship from him. In truth, I say this not so much from being hurt by her obvious lies to me, but I feel sorry for her that she is now involved with someone who she even recently admitted to have made a mistake getting intimate with. She now finds herself over the Christmas holidays, mom and dad and family around, entangled with this man. She told me only a few weeks ago that she still loved me but felt really confused. When I told her that I should probably stay away and let her make the next contact, she was hurt and didn't want that. She wanted to write to each other. She intended on keeping it a secret from her new boyfriend. She hadn't yet learnt from my mistakes or her own.<P>There are a few more details surrounding the end details. (Like her coming to my parole review hearing and telling a parole officer that I shouldn't be let out yet. I guess she was hoping for time to slowly break things off with the OM and try to honestly work things out between us, because she had told me exactly that on the phone 4 days earlier.) There was also a rather traumatic experience that she went through during November while we had agreed to break contact (a silence that she broke by sending me a note in the mail).<P>We have been through so much so far. We have faced almost everything short of the trials of parenthood (which once started never seem to end). I can not only understand why she has made her choices of late, but I can eventually forgive them. I so much want to hear from her own lips or through writing what she feels happened. I need for her to acknowledge her mistakes. Not because I want to lord over her, but because no one can forgive themselves for the mistakes they don't even realize they have made. I want the chance to show her that I am committed to being the man I¡¯ve always wanted to be.<BR>I love her. I miss her. Tears are welling up in my eyes as I write this and I am finding it hard to type. My chest feels tight, my body numb and my soul empty. I want to try again. Only she has told me to stay away and I can only respect her wishes. I feel castrated. I keep thinking that a real man would do something. A real man would go beat the tar out of this OM. A real man would go find a cheap and easy sexual conquest or six and forget her.<P>I guess I'm not a real man.<P>I'm just a silly old Bear.<B

Hi Baby Bear,<P>WOW! Just a few things I would like to share.<P>First, don't be offended if you don't get many replies. Many people skip over long posts, and this is by far the longest I've seen. But I read every word, and I must say thay you are a very good writer, and obviously intelligent. You seem to be way too smart to do many of the things you described in the post. It is also obvious that you have spent a great deal of timing analyzing actions, feelings, and emotions, and you seem to have a good handle on those.<P>I know exactly the feeling of love at first sight. I was 18 years old when I met my husband. It was literally like a lightning bolt, as if God spoke directly to me and said "This is the man you will marry". That was on August 31, 1975. On December 3, 1976 we did get married, and even with our recent problems, I still feel the same, that God let us together.<P>I don't have any advice or words of wisdom to offer, but I did want you to know that at least one person read your post. I'll be looking for others.<P>Best wishes to you.<P>Peppermint

I too read your story, left my h to entertain the kids so I could read. I agree completely that you are very intelligent and a good writer (and I'm an avid reader). You don't need to turn to crime, I think you could make real good money in the "real" world.<P>Don't have advice here. Destructive cycles are very hard to break, but it sounds like you are on the right track with the soul searching you've done.<P>I'm not sure it is ever too late, IF two people are willing (sometimes one tries alone for a while). But a relationship has to be rebuilt; brick by brick. And from what I've experienced so far, Harley's principles are right on. In some ways we are all doing the same thing: whether plan A, B, or Z. We are rebuilding ourselves first, then trying to reach out to our spouses. Thanks for sharing, hope this helps

My GOSH! Baby Bear,<BR>It has taken me all morning to read your post! I could feel the pain that you are in at the end of your post,"been there,done that".I don't know if this will help or not.<BR>My suggestion would be to move on w/your life!I would still try to keep incontact w/SO<BR>just to let her know that you still love her and care!First off you need to find a support group.Find new friends!of the non criminal type!!Go to conceling!!!!!!Find a hobbie,something to do other than working and for gods sake stay away from the oppisite sex!!!(If you intend to get back w/SO)You need to show her that you are trying to change and to better your life!! Lets just say if things don't work out,in the end you have become a better person for it!!! Plus all the things that you have learned here,His needs,Hers,"love-busters" and so on, it will only make your next relationship stronger!!!<BR>I am sitting here typing this to you and it is so much easier to tell someone eles what it is in fact what I should be doing.(did that make any sense?)<BR>I am a firm believer in "If you sent something free and it doesn't come back it wasn't meant to be.Ya....Ya.....Ya. you know the rest.Hang in there!!!<BR>Want to talk,I will be here looking.<BR>G.S.

Holy truth in a teacup batman !!!!!!!!<P>never ever again will I think that I write novels instead of posts....thank you for breaking the record....<P>my first thought was, were you in Bordeaux, or kingston?.....My ex-H and I both post here and are in Mtl...<P>as others before me said...wow, what a great piece of writing..I see how it was necessary to delve into all aspects and history in order to tell your tale...I think you could write your biography and make a pretty penny dude....seriously...<P>you are responsible for you, and your SO is responsible for herself...the most you can do is continue moving your life forward, using the lessons you have learned in order NOT to repeat the mistakes and be there for her in whatever capacity she may need you to be...I think getting on with your life, getting an apartment (with perhaps a better choice for roomate) after the halfway house and regular emply should be your priority....in otherwords, YOU need to center and concentrate on YOU....<P>as for not being a real man, and the reasons you llist, sounds to me like you are more real than you think and only a facsimile of a man would do the things you attribute to a real one....you are willing to admit to love, foolishness, bad decisions and mistakes, have paid the price, agonize over love lost and are willing to see reality as it truly is now...sounds pretty harshly 'real' to me...<P>I honestly think your SO has problems of her own, and needs to address them, should a reconciliation ever occur, or rather, before one ever would, you both should seek councelling together or seperately...there is alot of water under both your bridges and I think you would benefit from help before moving on together in any context....<P><BR>my ex and I still share a home, we are roomates building a new relationship together.....we have a child, and are in the process of recovery after his infidelity....his reasons sound so similar to yours....it was the intimate contact, not just sex, that was the trigger for him...and says he has no idea why he kept going back, either...<P>coming here is a great first step....this place has kept us together, has provided such great communication ideas and basically saved much of our once un-salvagable relationship...<P>If you are truly at the level of intro spection and retrospection that comes through in your post, then I see nothing but hope for a good future for you...whether or not it involves your SO....<P>looking forward to hearing how you are doing, take care, think about you, and YOUR future....<P>you can offer very little to someone else until you get yourself straightened out and you seem to have both feet pointing in the right direction<P>Dylan<P>------------------<BR>so maybe you wanted a martyr....just a regular gal would'nt do..but baby, I can't hang upon no lover's cross for you...Jim Croce

I really don't know what to say other than you are in my prayers......<P>------------------<BR>"If you can learn from the mistakes of others, you won't have to make them youself."<P>lady_divine77@yahoo.com

Got to say, I'm more than a little surprised people actually read that whole mess...<BR>And thanks from the bottom of my heart that you did.<BR>Been having one of those tough to gey out of bed days...<BR>Alternator on the car went... spent $100 on a protien supplement that tastes like it was made from sand and monkey poop... got really depressed listening to Billie Holiday...<BR>So thanks ALOT for listening. It's something I haven't had for awhile, just being able to rant, vent and cry without worrying about what people will think. Wish I could have got to this point earlier so I could have shared this part of the velnerable me with my SO.<BR>I hate to say it, but I think you folks are right... time to move on. It would be false hopes for me to leave my life on hold waiting for my SO to want to work things out. As far as w.g.up.h 's suggestion that I stay away from the opposite sex, one question;<BR>What works better, cold showers or just hitting it once a week with a mallet?<BR>Seriously, I have intentions of dating sometime but I don't have any need for the physical side of a relationship. I am trying to practice some Toist phylosophies on creating greater inner sight through channeling the vital sexual energies inward. This is something that I've wanted to try again for years, but it is very difficult while you are sexually active.<BR>Again, thanks for the replies.<BR>You have all warmed my heart on a cold day.<P><BR>PS To Soulloss- Boudeaux, Whitby Jail, Regina Correctoins, Sask Pen, Riverbend, Calgary Remand, Ferndale, Kent, Vancouver Pretrial (going east to west) plus assorted local lock ups. Over 5% of my life if I live to be 50.<P>------------------<BR>"Remember that every now and then you need to stop and eat the roses."<BR>-Bill The Cat

BB,<P>I read your version of War and Peace last night, my ISP went down and couldn't reply.<P>You situation is different in many ways, however there is that common thread that we all share. Unmet needs, lack of communication, fantacy....<P>If you realy love this woman, don't give up yet..<P>I've seen too many hopeless situations turned around, LOSTVAs come to mind..<P>The road to reconciliation is very narrow a crooked at best..<P>Keep working on you, let SO see your honest changes...be there for her when she comes around..<P>From your post it sounds as if shes just filling that void with her relationship with OM..<P>I need to get my Billie Holiday CD back..<BR>I like to listen to sad songs sometimes..Hers are the saddest...<P>Hang in there,<P>Bill<P>------------------<BR>BB<BR>

Baby Bear, would you PLEASE go back and edit your post into PARAGRAPHS?<P>More people are likely to read it that way.

I'll try your advice D&C. It looked fine on paper...<P>------------------<BR>"Remember that every now and then you need to stop and eat the roses."<BR>-Bill The Cat

OK, Baby Bear, sorry that it took me over a week to make up my mind & try to reply to your loooong post (I copied it & pasted and it's 14 pages long!!!!!!!!!!). You are such a prolific pen (or keyboard for that matter). <P> <BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR><BR><B>This is not exactly as things happened…</B><BR><HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P>It's OK, there are always three sides in every story.<P> <BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR><BR><B>… I'm an amazingly guarded individual and feel everything so deeply. So I have spent a life protecting myself through lies, fantasy and misdirection…. when the person who I actually want to share everything with comes along… I have none of the communication skills or self worth that only honesty can build in a person…. find myself looking at people and relationships in the scary light of honesty…. As I am unguarded and honest with others, they feel me worthy of trust and confided in me…</B><BR><HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P>An old teacher advised me long ago never to trust anyone who wouldn't trust their fellow men; you've been in both sides of the fences and have learned in 32 years more than many people who may triple your age.<P><B>THE OLDER WOMAN, DISAPEREANCE… COME BACK…ONE OF FIVE…MEETING YOUR SOULMATE…</B> Watch your back, Baby Bear! Love at first sight is infatuation, the same kind that any spouse or girlfriend / boyfriend feels when starting an affair even if one or both have a commitment with another person. The differences are freedom & honesty; when I don't have any other commitments I am free to experience & risk everything for that "love at first sight". Been there, done that, it's exactly the way my W & I fell in love. More so, we both saw each other as "good enough for this weekend"; 15 ½ years and a daughter later I can say (despite of her betrayal) that this has been the most exiting long weekend ever.<P><B>CRIME.</B> Not sure what you did or how, but the way you manage easy money is similar to the way gamblers & lucky salespeople do- making $50,000 one month and easily multiplying 50 x 12 = $600,000 per year even if the following month they earn not a single cent. Again, been there, done that (making money, not crime).<P><B>COMMUNICATION.</B> It seems that you can communicate easily in writing (although not to the point), but lack of skills on telling things up front… Could it be the need for self-protection, not been able to trust anyone, etc….<P><B>THE OTHER PERSON.</B> No need to abound on this; she was needy & you were too (???).<P> <BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR><BR><B>Now I believe that infidelity, as with all things, is a state of mind…</B><BR><HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P>Right on target!!! Although I never physically betrayed my W I was out "shopping" at the same time she was, so what happened? she found the "right" person sooner, just timing, otherwise most likely she would be posting today instead of me. We are all we want to be, good or bad, better or worse, now or later.<P> <BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR><BR><B>My SO continued to live an ungratifing and depressed life. I became uninterested in her as a companion, and the sex was bland and routine with each of us there for our gratification and going through the motions to give gratification to the other…</B><BR><HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P>Like everybody else here, probably you would do things different given the chance. When or if you and her reunite you will be a better companion now than before.<P><B>THE OTHER (young) GIRL.</B> Easy target both of you, both been in a state of deep need, she because of the abuse she was suffering, you because of your relationship. Nothing new, Baby Bear; if we just knew all these things ahead of time!!!<P><B>OS' AFFAIR & BREAK UP.</B> Not wanting to intrude, since we haven't met & I am not a shrink, but based on the brief summary you gave of your history of crime, maybe you are addicted to it, and it's an addiction as hard to break as any other one, like drugs, alcohol or a "love" affair. Playing the devil's advocate let's say that maybe your OS was sick and tired of this come-and-go-back-to-prison-back-home life of yours and was looking for something more "stable"; the fact that she found that in a person similar to you is probably a reflection that she, too, needs some help to get out of that type of life & that kind of relationships.<P> <BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR><BR><B>I love her. I miss her. Tears are welling up in my eyes as I write this and I am finding it hard to type. My chest feels tight, my body numb and my soul empty. I want to try again. Only she has told me to stay away and I can only respect her wishes. I feel castrated. I keep thinking that a real man would do something. A real man would go beat the tar out of this OM. A real man would got find a cheap and easy sexual conquest or six and forget her.<BR>I guess I'm not a real man.<BR>I'm just a silly old Bear.</B><BR><HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P>I real man is not one that seeks revenge with one or six mates, but one that is capable of give unconditional love. You are finding maturity through a very hard way and you are learning from it; "…a silly old Bear", … sometimes I feel 88 and yet there are times when I feel 20. You know where you failed her, you know where she failed you. It is up to you now to learn from this and grow to be an invincible Grown-up Bear.<P>My best wishes to you & hope you find what you need. <P>Alex<P>------------------<BR>Live and learn (but when?)

A lot of heartbreak & soul-searching later, I've decided to reply...<P> <BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>This is not exactly as things happened.<HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P>Of course it's not. Everybody will have their own version of events. I wouldn't be surprised if every persons' version is completely different.<P>I can only advise to try and stop laying responsibility and blame (on yourself and others) and try instead to remember the positives. Life should not be a battle, but a celebration.<P>I sincerely wish upon everybody my heartfelt prayers for peace, love & understanding.<P>------------------<BR>~~ Elixir ~~<P><p>[This message has been edited by Elixir (edited February 09, 2000).]

I just wanted to tell you I posted a LONG reply to you the other day and it got lost in all those site problems going on.<P>First off, next time, paragraphs!!! You are a good writer, I think you should use all your brains and skills in a positive way and work on YOU. Just YOU.<P>I would totally cut off all contact with OW NOW and never look back. She sucked you in because you were kind hearted and showed some affection. As for SO, give her some space, be kind and nice to her, and change your life. Then you let her see the new you, without the crime, without the OW , and ready to give her 110%.<P>You sound smart enough to earn money in other ways, put your talent to work. I have seen a lot of cases where people with criminal history (my H back in his teen days) actually do well in many areas of life, to rehabilitate other young people on the wrong road, or channel your "crime" skills into something legal.<P>BE strong, thank God for this chance you have to do right, at least you are free, at least you are alive, now use it to the best of your ability. SO may be back. But don't stake all your happiness on it. Good luck.

Okay, I reposted with the paragraph corrections. Thanks very much for putting SO MUCH thought into a responses. I have to say That I am touched very deeply by the kindness and genuine thought and feeling people here put into the posts they make.<BR><P>------------------<BR>"Remember that every now and then you need to stop and eat the roses."<BR>-Bill The Cat