I have not posted in awhile because I have been busy at work and there is not much to post expect for the dreaded limbo land. 5 weeks after her confession of a connection we are no better off then we where at the first of 1999. Spent Thanksgiving at her folks house out of town and everyone had a good time expect for her. Or at least she did in her own world.<P>Came back into town and it is more of the same distance and withdrawel. Last night I finally felt that after a period of time acting like a emotional nerd was enough. We talked and she apoligized for how she was acting but felt that there was nothing she could really do. The feelings for me just where not there. Loves me and everything but has a hard time getting the passion back. All the bad things from the past and OM is NOW not even an issue.<P>She was crying and upset wanting to try and figure out what was wrong. We talked that you can't make things better by not going out on dates, having sex etc. All these things feed the connnection. None of which she is willing to do. In fact when I brought our annual trip to FLA this winter she said that maybe we should not go given everything that is going on. This trip is 3 to 4 months away.<P>I asked her how in the hell she can know that she is going to feel that way in 4 months. She said that 6 months ago she thought things would be better. I told her that was in the middle of her EA. She says that has nothing to do with where we are again. I am losing it getting more pissed off. I feel like I have been in plan A forever with nothing from her, which she admitted that she has given 0<BR>in our marriage for the last year. Knows I am trying but can't find the spark (hard to do without trying)<P>Who knows she is going to counseling, though it seems more for show then anything. After we talk she wants to make sure that I am OK etc. Keystone, SHA and others, I have read your posts and feel your pain. Do I need more of Plan A or move to a little of Plan B? It is funny becasue in someways I find myself starting to not want to call her as much.

My w and I have not gotten back together yet, but she to is affraid of the same thing. not wanting to have sex, touch or hold.<P>I cant give you advice on this, all ican say is just hang in there.<P>Sorry,<P>------------------<BR>brownphdt<P>

Zip,<P>I don't think there such a thing as a <B>little</B> <BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>Plan B: Avoid contact with the wayward spouse until the affair has ended (page 79 of SAA)<HR></BLOCKQUOTE>... correct me RMA... after you read my reply to your post... <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/forum/Forum1/HTML/010177.html" TARGET=_blank>Is This a Crack - maybe?</A><P>This should only be used to protect your <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi3200_love.html" TARGET=_blank>Love Bank</A> for your W. If you really feel you're losing dramatically what love you have your W... then consider it... but not before.<P><A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi8113_ab.html" TARGET=_blank>Plan B</A> as expressed by<B>everyone</B> who has tried it, is <B>very</B> hard!<P>You'll need to consider writing a Plan B letter... for breaking off relationship with spouse (Plan B letter on pages 80-81 of<A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi6070_sa.html" TARGET=_blank>"Surviving An Affair"(SAA)</A>)... See the following post for a <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/forum/Forum1/HTML/009414.html" TARGET=_blank>Sample Plan B letter (see Chris' reply)</A><P>A "kind-of", "wishy-washy" <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi8113_ab.html" TARGET=_blank>Plan B</A> in general gains you nothing...<P>Just a few more thoughts to always keep in the back of our minds...<BR> <BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>(#3.) The (betrayed) spouse needs to know that he/she had done his/her best to save their marriage. (page 76 of SAA)<HR></BLOCKQUOTE><BR> <BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>(#4.) If the (betrayed) spouse follows the plans (A & B), and they(the plans) fail, the (betrayed) spouse would no longer have any feelings of love for the wayward spouse. (page 76 of SAA)<HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P><B>Plan B</B> might just take you to that <B>end</B> point of separation from your spouse... It can/does happen. There are no guarantees that all marriages can be saved... But <B>you</B> can always improve youself... (a by-product of Plan B!)<P>Think about this...<BR>Post to those that are there...<BR>Read... read... read...<P>Jim (Still in Plan A) <BR>------------------<BR>I can dare myself... I'll put a pebble in my shoe...<BR>I can walk... I can walk! I shall call the pebble Dare...<BR>Dare shall be carried... And when we both have had enough<BR>I will take him from my shoe, singing... "Meet your new road!"...<BR>Finally glad... Finally glad... That you are here... By my side...

I feel that I have been in Plan A for all year. Sure there have been backslides but hey all of us here have had a few bad moments over the year. I guess for me the toughest part is not knowing how to Plan A without putting pressure on her.<P>Besides being nice and positive. Should I give her cards? I have sent her flowers after our first counseling session thanking her for sharing her feelings early this summer. That was met with if we can't talk then we are in trouble. I have given her nice cards with notes telling her I love her. Again met with some reacation but I get the sense that it is forced.<P>So what is the balance? What is too much or too little in Plan A. I don't think that I have given it 110%. But I can find my taker coming out after a year of this. So what is the balance of right amount in Plan A?

Hi, Zip. Man, you have been patient! <P>Jim's right. Plan B is hard, it is NO CONTACT and it is to protect you and your love bank for her. I know you must be so very tired of giving and not getting.<P>I thought of something when I read your post the third time (little dense this morning!).<P>You're not getting any cooperation in going out, etc. And you mentioned cards. She's not feeling the "passion". You know, IF you decide to continue in Plan A, cards may not be a bad idea. Not to push her, but someone else mentioned it on another thread. Sometimes we ladies feel passion when we are "courted". Know what I mean. Think back to when you first met. The things that attracted her to you, which are probably the things that made her feel like SHE was special when she was around you. Maybe do some of those. Cards, flowers, little gifts that take thought, that show there's something special about HER, 'cause noticing those things is what makes you special.<P>It still may take a long time. And it still may not work. But, if you decide to keep trying, it may be worth a shot.<P>Good luck, Zip. You deserve it.<P>Lori

Zip,<P>Where to start? Plan-A is o whole lot of giving and not much getting. When S comes around the rewards WILL be great. I have to believe that. You stated that W doesn't have the feelings like she used to. Has she had any contact with OM? What is she willing to do? Will she read? Does she talk to you?<P>If she will read, aASK her to read sSUrviving An Affair, also Learning to Live With The Love Of Your Life,by Neil Clark Warren.<P>Both books explain how "passion" can be created.<P>Hang In There,<P>Bill <P>------------------<BR>BB<BR>

Thanks for the feedback. I feel like I have done the cards and stuff with no results. So it makes me wounder about backing off a bit and detaching. William J she will not read books on this stuff. Does not apply to her about affairs. So why does she need to read any of that stuff.<P>We kind of joke that she is looking for a lighting bolt to hit her to refind the passion. Hey you can't be a Michael Jordan if you don't practice. No dating, sex, and all the stuff that couples do to fall in love. Tough road to follow. <P>Lostva, I sometimes wounder if I am doing enough. So yes I get pissed off and come here to vent. I guess you know when it is time to go to Plan B when you have done everything. We have a counseling session next week. I need to see where the heck we are going with the counseler. We are supposed to bring a list of things that we both need to recover in the realionship. I doubt she will put the work into getting it done.<P>You know it is funny over the last year there have been very brief spurts of goodness in her like her oldself. I should say that she is not a nasty outright. But the emotional and distant is almost worse.<P>The best she has been in our relaionship was the weekend that she broke the news to me (after a call from someone on her EA). It was almost like she was buttering me up for the big conversation. Since then we are back to square one.<P>Last answer to your question. Yes she has talked to OM two weeks ago every day. Though in couseling she said only twice. She was very proud that she could do this becasue she says that there was no feelings like there where in the past. It was just a friendship and not like it was before. Righttttttttttttt!<P>I confronted OM last weekend again and told him his [censored] was grass if this BS continued. He said hey it goes both ways meaning my wife was calling him. I am out of town this week so we will see what happnens this week.

Zip,<P>Re:<P> <BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>He said hey it goes both ways meaning my wife was calling him. I am out of town this week so we will see what happnens this week.<HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P>Why, oh why, must the other person be such an a**hole? Why can't they have *some* integrity and say something like: "god, I'm sorry" or "you're right, I'll stay away"... anything other than blaming everyone else.<P>Remember, I've been on both sides of the fence, and the one thing I can say is that I have redeemed myself somewhat by treating the W of the OM with respect when she wrote me. Same with how I looked to my H - he was proud of me for being kind and apologizing. That is one of the few things I am proud of recently. <P>Blessings to you and your W, Zip... I'm sorry you're hurting so much right now.<P>------------------<BR>Shoot for the moon. Even if you miss it you are among the stars!!