How do you combat the divorced friends telling there stories of how much better they are now and how the kids are adjusting well etc, They tell her, "your H will never change", I believe I can, and have.

hopefull_1,<P>Sorry about this one...<P>There is almost nothing you can do to stop your W from hearing these stories...<P>Trying to educate your W from the stories here on the MB forum is usually counter productive... and ends up being a <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi3400_lovebust.html" TARGET=_blank>Love Buster</A>... (judgment on her values.) Ideally, if there were other people you/she know of who had 'bad' experiences with affairs/separation/divorce who could approach her and discuss them... it would be good... but <B>YOU</B> can't be the one...<P>If you did it... she would see your attempts as self serving... and reject them... and hate you for it! Others have to do this... and she better not see you being the one to pressure them into it either!<P>This is hard one... in <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi8113_ab.html" TARGET=_blank>Plan A</A>. Disrepctful judgments touch upon many of the things we think of as just plain old ordinary "common sense".<P> <BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>an affair is a very powerful addiction. (page 56 of <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi6070_sa.html" TARGET=_blank>"Surviving An Affair"(SAA)</A>)<HR></BLOCKQUOTE>...and that addiction blinds the wayward from much of what everyone else sees as common sense!<P>More prayers... <P>Jim

Some "friends" tell me "to shrug it off", to "get on with your life", to "roll with the punches", to "snap out of it", that "you'll be free again & still enjoy your kid".<P>The thing is as we say here, everyone talks about the party depending on how it was for them. All I can suggest is to keep loving her & showing CONSISTENTLY how much you've changed. You may think she is not watching you but she is; AND even if she doesn't come back to you you'll be a better person altogether.<P>Alex<P>------------------<BR>Live and learn<BR>

I have to say that alot of my friends, weather they were divorced or not thought something other than what I did. The thing is that I made this decision to make my marriage work with or without their support. I think that each person should do what's right for THEM not for what others think. I would tell her that you can understand what she is hearing but to think instead of the two of you, not what others think. They mean well, but they don't know whats right for the two of you. God Bless!<P>------------------<BR>Chick's <BR>Bren<P>You won't see things until your ready to not be blind!

They lie....look real hard at their lives...<P>See for your self how great they are...<P>Bill<P>------------------<BR>BB<BR>

hopefull,<P>I think it is good to listen to all the advice you can get. Believe me..it will be all over the place! Some say stay and some say go and some offer suggestions in the middle - lots of variations.<P>By considering all the options, it really helps you to decide what is best for YOU and you will feel more convicted in your decision. Same for her. She ultimatley needs to make up her own mind based on what she thinks will serve her the best in the long run.<P>So...prove all her friends WRONG! Sustain your changes and you will make a believer out of her!<P>Roll Me Away<P>------------------<BR>"Life is made up, not of great sacrifices or duties, but of little things in which smiles and kindnesses and small obligations, given habitually, are what win and preserve the heart and secure comfort."<P>Sir Humphry Davy<BR>

It is human nature to seek out the opinions we already hold. Your can tell a lot about a person by who they choose to associate with. If I were you, I would get ready to duck. In my experience, your wife is already gone and won't be back for a while. I base that on who she chooses as friends at this point. I'm certain there are people she knows who are married and would encourage her to work it out. If she is choosing the 'divorce' friends over the 'not so quick' friends, I think you can summize what she has decided.

If got the same problems with my W and all of her new "friends" -- all divorced, getting divorced, unhappily married, or happily single.<P>It's hard, but I've grown to accept the following: <P>Misery loves company. <P>Maybe having a new addition to the divorcee group means that someone else gets to pick-up their bar tab!<P>Chin up!<P>--keystone

You can not "make" your wife stay in your marriage, at least not in most states.<P>In fact, you really can not control your wife's behavior at all.<P>Right now she will "hear" what she wants to hear, and unfortunately it is not your opinion.<P>You can influence her by clear congruent words and actions. Plan A...but if you try to educate or talk her out of something, it will probably backfire. <P>You can voice your opinion about her contact with the OM, you can set bounderies about what you are willing to take, you can take steps to protect yourself and your kids, but you can't control her thoughts, feelings or actions.<P>You may want to consider taking the approach that she is free to do whatever she wants...but that you are committed to change and you will be honoring your marriage.<P>Then back off and just make the changes you are working on and be loving and supportive...but not clinging, begging or educational.<P>It is kind of like playing tug of war...she may pull harder when you are pulling. If you set go or stop pulling...she may not feel the need to pull away quite as desperately.<P>------------------<BR>Faith, Hope, Love Remain,<BR>but the greatest of these is Love.<BR>1 Corinthians 13:13<p>[This message has been edited by Faith Hope Love (edited February 01, 2000).]

Hopefull,<P>I think the thing to remember is that no one has or will ever go throught the exact same thing you are going through right now. <P>Even if they have, time seems to make people forget how incredibly painful and lost you feel when you are going through the loss of a spouse.<P>Also, do you think people will really admit that they made a the biggeset mistake in their lives and should have worked on their relationship more? Most people letthe pride take over. I'm so glad I am out of that realtionship, things are so much better, etc. Don't believe them.<P>I know that last year two different friends came to me with their stories of lost loves. I'll tell you , I tried to be supportive, but it had been so long since I was in a similar situation, I really could not relate. <P>I know for a fact I said many of the same things.<P>It's for the best, get on with your life, etc. It really bothers me now that I could not have and did not try to help them more at the time. I will try to never make that mistake again, as many have been supportive of me lately, especially everyone here.<P>Only you and others going through a similar thing can relate, that's why this message board is so perfect for people like you right now.<P>Good Luck, God Bless

Where on earth is she finding all these divorced friends? None of my friends, none of my co-workers, and hardly any of the the co-workers I have had over the last 20 years have been divorced. Virtually everyone I know is married, and has been for many years.

Sorry. I didn't intend to come off so negative in my earlier post. My sarcastic frame of mind is starting to take over my keyboard!<P>It's wierd. Like Nellie!, we also never had any friends that were divorced. All of a sudden they're coming out of the wood work. <P>Or, is it that we seek to hang out with those that we most identify with? I'm sorry to say it, but my W is much more at ease, and much happier, with this group of divorced friends. Meanwhile, I feel the most uncomfortable around these people. In a way, I'm starting to feel like I'm living an episode of "Once and Again" -- an episode that won't end! <P>Maybe it's a bit of midlife -- my W recently turned forty. maybe it's everything. I've just come to the realization that I'm finished guessing. It is what it will be.<P>Sadly, when I think about it, we rarely socialize with married couples these days. Never used to be that way... Oh, well.<P>--keystone

Personally, I think friends and family members are influenced by their loyalty to you. They see you in pain (and lets face it, when people tell others about argumetns, marital problems, etc. they emphasize their side of the story - it can't help but give a somewhat slanted version). They don't want to see you that way again, or to see you making yourself vulnerable to that person again. <P>I remember years ago, when I was engaged and had had a tiff with my fiancee, I went to my mother to sob out the whole sorry mess. I really wanted her to comfort me and tell me how right I was and how wrong he was. After a couple of sentences, she held up her hand and told me to stop. She said that we <BR>would probably end up making up, and would eventually forget it even happened. She, on the other hand, would always remember what I had told her, and it would influence how she saw him. And that in itself could cause a problem, as I may later be uncomfortable with her knowing things that I had chosen to forget, and I would regret saying things against him to her. <P>She told me that if I really needed help, she would always be there, but the price of getting advice is that once a person is told something, they can never be ignorant again, and the price of loyalty is that they will always be more protective of you than you are of yourself.

Moira2,<P>Sounds like you had a wise mother. Wish my W could read your post. Thanks for sharing it.

hopefull_1 <BR>Email it to her if you dont want her to read your post just cut and paste the one you wish she would read.<BR>Lesa<P>------------------<BR>"Trust in the Lord with all thine heart, and<BR> lean not unto thine own understanding." -Proverbs 3:5<BR>Take care and God Bless.<P> lms20ish@jobe.net <p>[This message has been edited by LMS (edited February 09, 2000).]