My H and I have been together now for 13 years. Last week out of the blue he tells me he is not happy anymore and not "in love" with me. Well, to say the least it shocked me. I never would of seen this coming.<BR>About 3 weeks ago he started acting weird towards me. I started to notice little "coincidences" between him and my brothers fiance, like leaving and coming back about the same time. I confronted my husband and the girl about it and they denied anything. Well, since he told me last week that we were over, it has gotten worse with him just taking off whenever and coming home whenever and her being gone around the same times. To make things worse, the same day my H told me it is over, she told my brother the same things!!!..<BR>When he told me it was over he said that he wants to communicate and be very good freinds right now for our son, he needs us...Well that is not what has been happening. He has been walking around here with a total attitude towards me, if I ask him a question, I get a snotty remark, he won't look me in the eyes, and if I start crying he has to walk away. Someone told me that is his guilt...Could that be true????....He talked to his mom yesterday and she asked him how could he just "fall out of love" with me. She started to talk to him about everything that we have been through together over the past 13 years, how much I love him, how we have stuck by each other and she said he just started to cry that he couldn't even look at her...Is that guilt??? I know he loves me, I can see it everytime I start to cry the way he looks at me...It's like, he knows he is doing something wrong and can't stop because it is exciting!!.What do I do from here???? He keeps saying he needs to leave, I guess because he can't stand to look at the hurt on my face anymore..<BR>I really need some help here. I am totally lost!!!!.....<P><BR>

Tucci - I'm very sorry to hear that your H is saying and doing the things you describe. <P>My first suggestion would be to find out for certain if your H has actually started an affair with your brother's finacee. You might want to speak more with your brother about this possibility and see if there's something the two of you can do together to find out the truth. (Since your H is denying that anything's happening - pretty typical of betrayers, esp. in the early stages, as are the attitude and snotty remarks - you really can't do much until you know the truth.)<P>If you have enough money, you might want to consider hiring a private detective. If not, you can probably figure out a way to follow your H or your brother's fiancee and see what happens. If she still lives by herself, they might be going to her place and you could stake that out, see if your H comes and goes from there. Or if they're going to someplace like a motel, you drive around and see if both of their cars are in the same motel parking lot, that kind of stuff.<P>I know it's hard to think about spying on your H, but if he's not going to confess, it's probably the only option you have. And if you do start looking, you'll probably be amazed at what you find. Also, be VERY careful not to let your H or your brother's fiancee know that you're doing this.<P>Hope this helps. Regards and blessings,<P>--Wex

It sounds like he is feeling guilty, and he wants to leave immediatlely because he doesn't want to have to face up to the fact that he is wrong for his treatment of you. That is part of the fantasy world that betrayers usually live in. If they just walk away without having to deal with you then that makes it easier on their conscience (SP?) It does sound alittle too coincidental about the brother's fiancee. Make it known that you know, and let him be snooty if he wants, he just wants NOT to be the TOTAL bad guy by placing blame on you to make it seem like you are the one that is being the bad person.

Tucci,<P>I hate to say this, but it sounds like there MAY be something going on here.<P>You will have to find out for sure though.<P>Then you have to decide what you want to do. <BR>I think almost all of us here have heard the " I just don't love you anymore " line.<P>It hurts , I know. But most of the time it is being used to excuse their behaviour. <P>Sit back and watch H and brothers gf for a while. If you have to do what wex said. He is one of our spy masters here. <P>It's a shame we have to do these things , but nothing can be decided until you know what you are up against.<P>Read everything you can on this site. And post, it helps to be able to talk to people who have been through this.<P>------------------<BR>Just call me - Deb<BR>------------------------<BR>The only day I can do anything about is today, yesterday is gone, tomorrow is not yet mine.<P>

Welcome <B>Tucci</B>...<P>Yes... it is guilt your H is feeling...<BR>...and as time moves on both you and he will go through many more emotions...<BR><B>You are not alone</B>!<P>I have a post of general welcome post I wish to share with you... <P>It has a lot of quick links to many of the <B>most</B> important MB sites...<BR>Click here ==> <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/forum/Forum29/HTML/000002.html" TARGET=_blank>General Welcome for All New Builders(Newbies)</A><P>We have recently chnaged the format around here recently... we now have 4 separate "sub" forums...<BR>Staying in the <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/cgi-bin/cgiwrap/marriage/forumdisplay.cgi?action=topics&forum=General+Questions&number=28&DaysPrune=10&LastLogin=" TARGET=_blank>General Questions</A> forum will give you the most responss! <P>After reading the General Welcome post...<BR>Do... get the book...<A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi6070_sa.html" TARGET=_blank>"Surviving An Affair"(SAA)</A> ASAP and read it!<P>Do... start on an immediate <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi8113_ab.html" TARGET=_blank>Plan A</A>!<P>Do... post and ask for advice!<P>Jim

Tucci<P>I am so sorry you have to go through this.<P>It hurts like he!!, I understand and my heart goes out to you. <P>Knowing for sure is important to you right now so I will give you a few ideas.<P>I can't stress enough how important what Wex said about not letting your H or your Bro's Fianace know you are investigating their possible trist is. Under NO circumstances should they find out. After all if they are having an affair they already know what they are doing (or think they do)and don't need you to point it out to them. All it will end up doing is pushing your H further away from you and into her arms. You and your Bro. need to know at this point and sharing anything you uncover could set back any attempts to save your marriage. Although you might not like what you find, if you are anything like me, you still need to know for sure no matter how much it hurts.<P>One of the first things I did when I wanted to know if my H was having an affair was to call my local phone co and get detailed print outs of my home phone bills for the past 6 months. Seeing as your Bro knows his F's home, family, and work numbers it will be pretty easy to see if he has been calling her from your home. Do the same for his cell phone, if he has one that is billed to your home. <P>Also get out any credit card statements and start looking for any unusual charges, if you don't do this normally. You might have ignored an unusal florist bill before, but now it could be very telling. Does it coincide with her birthday perhaps? Do the same with any joint checking accounts you may have.<P>If he is still living at home, check out his car with a fine tooth comb. Don't forget to look under seats, glove boxes, trunk etc. Anywhere a reciept can be hidden should be looked at. ( BTW men are notrious for sticking reciepts in the sun visor)<P>Even the most innocent repeipt can speak volumes. Is it a gasoline reciept? What gas station is it from? One that he would pass to go to and from her place? Restaurant reciepts? How many were served is often time on this type of reciept. Every reciept can be suspect and telling. Be sure to look and think very hard with everything you find. <P>Following them or staking out her apt or place of employment can work, providing you use a car that neither of them is familar with, and you either diguise yourselves well or have people they wouldn't recognoize do this for you.<P>One other option, although it isn't the most above board thing to suggest, is does your Bro have a key to his F's apt.? If so he or he and you might want to pop in at a time you know FOR SURE she will not be home. If she has given him a key it would not be breaking and entering. You might be able to see something he might not recoginze as a sign. But be sure to not take anything from the apt., no matter what you find or how tempted you are to do so. Of course you could always bring a camera along to capture anything you might want to record on film. <P>I repeat DO NOT **EVER** LET THEM KNOW you did these things. Not even if they continue to deny once you are certain. If you want to save your marriage and they are having an affair get your evidence, Dr. Harley's book Surviving An Affair, and go into Plan A ASAP!<P>Good luck, DON'T GET CAUGHT, and let us know how you are doing and I really hope for yours, your families, and your son's sake it isn't what it looks like.<P>Fingers Crossed<BR>(who is still considering PI work as a possible sideline )<BR>

Thank you all so much for all the great advice. In regards to my brother having a key, yes, it is his apartment. She kicked him out so we know that my H will not go there because my bro can go there anytime and they would get caught. Plus he has 4 kids that wake up sometimes during the night that would tell him. They must be going somewhere. My H won't sleep at home. He says he can't be here with me. He tells me he is sleeping in the car at a commuter lot. But, that of course could be another lie!!!!...I am just so confused. Just like she stopped by here tonight and she wouldn't even look at my H....Then my son isn't feeling well and she brings him over crackers,juice and valentine's cards to give out at school..What is she trying to win his love???? I don't friggin think so!!!!!...I am just so scared. <P>

Tucci--<P>Ok, kiddo...you're entering the ride of your life! You want to save your marriage? It's time to put ALL your acting skills to work.<P>You are calm. You are in control of yourself (at least outwardly!). He is YOUR H. You WILL succeed in "winning" him back.<P>Do NOT berate him. Do NOT cry in front of him. You are pleasant. You are concerned about his needs. You start doing big and little things to show your love and appreciation. You ignore his surliness. You CAN say what you are thinking in many cases, but politely and without condemnation. Edit your talk. The goal here is to make him feel comfortable being at home, with you. In other words, activate a STRONG PLAN A. <P>I'm with Wex too. Investigate. But do not get caught, and do not use your findings against your H. Use them FOR your marriage. You happen to find a receipt for an Italian restaurant? Suggest a DIFFERENT Italian restaurant one night. A receipt for lingerie that didn't make it home to YOU? Buy some yourself and surprise him. Study your brother's fiance. What might she be doing for him that you don't, or have slipped on supplying throughout the years? Do it. A few pounds to lose? Start now. Use EVERY weapon you can think of (I mean non-violent/figuratively!) to woo your H back. You've got to regain his attention before he'll be ABLE to begin meeting your needs again. Put yours on the back burner to slowly incorporate as time passes. Take care of your health--rest, eat well, indulge yourself with bubble baths, a good book, whatever interests you.<P>Keep posting and reading. There's a lot of great people here who can urge you on and listen to you vent. <P>You can do this!!!!

Wonderful advice Lucks! Tucci, I believe she said everything I would have said to you. Listen up to these wonderful people here. They have been through so much! Good luck to you! Win him back with your love, confidence and sincerity. Easy does it....

Tucci - Reading your second post gave me another idea for checking up on your H that might be easy to do. If he says he's sleeping in his car at a commuter lot, you could simply drive through all the commuter lots in your vicinity (how many can there be?) checking for his car late at night.<P>If it's really in one of them, then he'll be in it asleep and won't spot you. And if his car ISN'T in any of the commuter lots, then you'll know for certain that he's lying about his whereabouts, and that would almost certainly mean he's probably with her.<P>If you do this and find his car where he says he's sleeping in it, I would repeat this check on several other nights. He could be doing this some of the time, and be off elsewhere the rest of the time.<P>Also, give some thought to figuring out where they might be going to be together, since it obviously isn't your brother's apt. If they're seeing each other a lot, they're probably not going to a motel, since that would be very expensive. (BTW, where is HE sleeping, now that he's been kicked out?)<P>--Wex