I’m starting to feel somewhat numb, and the numbness seems to be getting worse. Does this mean that I’m losing my love for the man I married, or am I just protecting myself from the pain, which still comes through sometimes in waves?<P>I think that one of the problems I’m having the most trouble dealing with, other than all the lies over the year, is my perception of his lack of remorse for cheating. Oh, he has told me that he “regretted” cheating with the STD Tramp, and he said, “I apologize…”<P>But why does he regret cheating? Is it because he caught her disease, which he brought home to me—resulting in his getting caught? I’ve pretty much gotten over that incident, I think, except for the fact that he lied about it for over 13 years. As for the apology…to me, there is a difference between saying “I apologize” and “I’m sorry”. And, when my H is truly sorry about something, he usually says “I’m sorry.” To me, “I apologize” is something you say when you’ve merely been rude to someone.<P>Another thing that bothers me is his attitude toward cheating in general. Women who screw around are “whores”, yet he seems to feel that men are somehow “entitled”.<P>Case in point: At our Super Bowl party, a female friend told us that her husband had left her. She had earlier told me that he had been disappearing for 4-5 hours at a time. I have to say that when she told me that, I instantly realized that he was cheating. He had also started accusing her of cheating and plotting to wipe out their money. In fact, he found a missing check from their business checkbook and went ballistic—accusing her of withdrawing all their money. When she called the bank, she realized that she had forgotten to write down the check that she had written to the vet for medication for their dog….a lousy $15.49. At any rate, he took her keys to their business and told her to stay out of the office. Anyway, he apparently made love to her a week ago on Saturday night and then got up and snuck out in the middle of the night…without so much as a goodbye, a note or anything. She turned in a missing persons report, and the information she got back was that there was another woman. It turns out that he has been having an affair with her cousin’s wife, who recently leased their country house from them. On the Monday after he left, she learned that he had withdrawn over $20,000 from their bank accounts. She did act quickly and moved what little money remained into a new account and closed the other one. Naturally, she’s all to pieces, but wants to save her marriage if it’s at all possible.<P>Anyway, my H has behaved rather strangely to all this, IMO. He made a remark a while back that her H had a bad problem with her. I did tell him that she was upset with her H because he was disappearing all the time. My H’s response was “Like she doesn’t?” When I asked H what he meant, he said, “Well, she’ll go out to the bar and stay for 3 or 4 hours… She acts like she’s putting the make on people.” Well, I do think that she tries a little too hard to be the life of the party, and she is a “huggy” person, but she hugs all her friends—women and men alike. She has told me that she didn’t know where her H was and was tired of sitting home waiting on him, so that’s why she went out to the bar.<P>After the party, I told H that her H had left her, apparently for another woman. My H said, “Well, didn’t I tell you that her H was taking note of what she was doing?” In essence, he was blaming her for her H's infidelity. I would have discussed it with him further, but we still had a couple of guests.<P>To me, my H’s reaction seems to be that her H is entitled to do whatever he wants to do. I’m also puzzled about his attitude toward her, since we have both considered her to be a really sweet woman who perhaps goes a little overboard at times.<P>At any rate, I think my H’s attitude toward adultery is totally at odds with mine. After all the pain that his adultery has caused me, he still doesn’t seem to think that there’s anything wrong with a man screwing around on his wife.<P>So, what do y’all think about his attitude toward our friends’ problems? I’ve got a little red flag trying to wave, but I’m not sure what it means.<P>And, another thing that is bugging me is this: Why do I want to stay married to a man who refuses to marry me again? Other than that, he is continuing to be nice to me and showing me some affection.<P>Anybody got any thoughts on this stuff?<BR>

Sweatpea,<P>I have been reading your posts for a long time, but I don't think I have never responded. I have just a few moments, but my instant response to your post (admittedly without deep thought) is the following.<P>Are you looking for a reason to divorce your H? His thoughts on your friends problems may be based on more or less information, than you have. Although he has cheated on you, part of reconcilliation is not that he must think like you. From what you have said he has committed to you, is nice to you and shows you affection. He has not decided to remarry. As a male, I would guess his thinking is he is already married to you, what is the big deal? <P>I understand that you want more evidence of commitment, your pound of flesh, and a complete meshing of you soul and his, but is it realistic? If you really want out of the marriage, then I suppose you ought to do it. Or are you placing all of these hoops for him to jump through (most of which he doesn't even know you are holding) so that you can blame him? <P>Sweatpea, don't borrow trouble, life is tough enough without any help at all.<P>I apologize if I offend you with this response, please understand you are getting just a gut level response, with no intent to hurt or offend you.<P>I hope your marriage does improve and you can finally decide what it is he needs to do to prove to you that he is serious. Once you do tell him, don't play these speculative games with him.<P>God Bless You and Your H,<P>JL

JL,<BR> Do I want a divorce? No. What I want is to <B>know</B> that my H loves me more than anything in this world and is not just staying with me because it's convenient or because of finances. I don't want him to "jump through hoops" for me, but knowing that he would happily and willingly do so would be nice. I was thinking the other day that if I knew I was marrying a man who someday wouldn't do it all over again, I wouldn't have married him.<P>My H knows that I want us to renew our vows. He knows that I no longer tell people that "we've been married for almost 30 years." He knows that I feel like a wife without a husband. He knows that I feel like he divorced me the first time he was with another woman. He told my counselor that he had no problem with renewing our marriage vows, but when a friend brought up renewing our vows to "sanctify" the ring he bought me, he said "That ring is as sanctified as it's gonna get." I will not tell him again that I want to renew our vows; and, in any case, I don't really want to until I'm sure he's told me the whole truth. I also don't want him to do this merely to appease me.<P>He also agreed that we should go out on "dates," only we haven't done that...at least not alone. Anytime we plan anything, I find out at the last minute that he's invited another couple to go with us. It makes no difference if I tell him I would like it to be just the two of us. So, basically, he goes about managing our lives while I try to avoid lovebusting.<P>His attitude about the whole mess sucks big time. And, no, I can't automatically expect him to feel the same way I do about adultery, but I do feel that with the attitude he has about it, he would certainly be susceptible to cheating again if/when the opportunity arises.<P>After over 13 years of <B>known</B> lies, it's really hard to believe that he's told me everything, especially since I can track the change in his behavior and treatment of me back quite a few more years. I do believe that there was more than one incident of cheating; and, I also believe that he had at least an emotional affair a couple of years ago.<P>I guess what it boils down to is that <B>I</B>also have not been happy in our marriage for such a long time, and I guess I just want it all right now. I'm not getting any younger, and I want us to have a <B>really good</B> marriage while we're still young enough to go out and enjoy ourselves together. I think I'm about Plan A'd out. Yes, he is being nicer to me; once in a while he pats me on the shoulder or gives me a quick peck. He has started reaching for me in bed 2-3 times a week. So, he is doing better, and I tell him how much I appreciate him all the time. I don't know if I can give all the credit to "Plan A" or not. Some of the more drastic improvements in his behavior have come about after I threw a hissy fit and let him know that I was just about fed up with whatever he was doing. I didn't get the truth about the STD Tramp or get him to stay away from Cafe Woman (as far as I know) until I walked out on him and disappeared for a couple of days. <BR> <BR> At the slightest little disagreement, he starts off with "I'm leaving and we might as well get a divorce." That doesn't even upset me anymore. The last time, I told him, "Maybe that's just what you need to do." I guess being a little "tough" is the best way for me to deal with his behavior.<P>I guess my problem is that I don't want to go along the rest of my life like this, but I don't want to give up, either. I think I need to get away for a few days so I can think through what I need to do.<P>Thanks for the response. I don't think he knows any more about our friends than I do, as he's really not close with the H. BTW, I just talked to the wife. Her H came back today (after being gone for 8 days) and told her that he had already divorced her in the Dominican Republic. He said that he had also taken care of all the financial matters and that he would meet with her later to let her know what he was going to let her have. He also told that he really wasn't having an affair with her cousin's wife--that he just let her think that. He just "needs his space." <P>Her lawyer told her that the divorce wouldn't be valid in the U.S., since she hadn't signed anything. I don't know how things are going to work out for them.<P>The guy has gone complete out of his mind! He's basically a nice guy, but this is totally out of character for him. I just hope he doesn't give my H any ideas!