Well here I am again asking another question. My H insists on continuing this EA and gets very hostile when he perceives that I am trying to get him to leave it. I don't want to spend all our time discussing this, but he seems to want to talk and try to bully me into approving of what he wants -unlimited access to the OW, stressing the fact that he doesn't think that he can let down his guard around me unless she is there...he can't love me unless he can love her too. Is this bull or what? I told him that he didn't know that, but that he certainly had control of his emotions and could seal them away from me if he wanted.(He seems to disregard the fact that she is also married and may not want this, I don't know). Anyway, I have written him a letter contents summarized: I will not judge him, HE has to come to terms with his behavior, no one can make him do it. That I love him and believe in us and our marriage, that I am not going to stop loving him because of this and that I thank god every day for him and our life. Also that through good and bad I am going to stick by him. It is a very honest letter from the heart. Question...should I give it to him? I don't want him to think that I am pushing him into anything (he already thinks that even when I don't say a thing). This is HIS perception...I have been very tolerant and supportive (at least 98% of the time), and have shown him nothing but love and understanding. I know that he is in a very difficult spot emotionally right now, but when is he going to realize that it was HE that put himself there, not me and stop blaming me. It is tough...I also sent him some dark chocolate (his favorite) in his lunch with a short note..have a good day, love you...is this okay. I try to behave like I did before all this and this is the kind of thing that I would do just to let him know that I was thinking of him, but now he is so hypersensitive about everything that I never know how he will take it. This is having a terrible effect on him, he has indigestion all the time, tosses and turns all night and looks like he has aged 10 years in a matter of weeks. And telling me was supposed to make everyone feel better! classic line from OW 'if I had known how much this was going to hurt everyone I never would have told you how I felt' What did she expect, our congratulations?! Well I am on a roll again. I just need some advice on how to proceed. I don't want to be too pushy, but I also want him to think about me occasionally through the day. The picture I made is in his office so at least there is that reminder, to everyone that I do exist and I do love my H. Opinions please...

Victoria,<BR>It sounds to me like you are doing great! By refusing to react the way your emotions are probably leading you (fits, screaming, etc.), you are acting in a way which makes your husband remember how much he loves you. <P>This is creating what the really smart people call cognitive dissonance. Your husband knows how bad his behavior is, but sees you loving him anyway. He still has the feelings for the OW, but has these emerging feelings for you. You have a distinct advantage over the OW in that you have seen him as he really is. Now your husband is faced with the prospect of choosing between a woman who knows all of his faults yet loves him anyway, and a woman who has only seen him in the ways he has shown her. <P>Continue to meet his needs and I think that you will find that your husband will eventually be drawn back to you. Refuse to nag or berate him and make your home a peaceful place for your husband and I think you will find that he spends more time with you than her. <P>Now, this is the hardest part. Tell your husband that you are sorry for not meeting his needs in the past (of course, you may have already done this) and that you intend to meet every one of his needs. Be the wife of his dreams and I think you will win him back. <P>Of course, this is easy for me to say and very difficult for you to do, but you have already shown yourself to be a remarkable woman to be willing to try to win back your husband after his infidelity. Keep at it!!<P>May the Lord Bless You and Keep You.<BR>John

Thank you very much for the encouragement. These are things that I have told myself as well, but sometimes it seems like he is determined to destroy us all...