My husband of almost 15 years had an affair while away on an extended business trip last year. We started counseling in May of 1999, and after a couple of months he was excused from the counseling. The counselor felt like "our" problems were resolved, but as a survivor of childhood physical, sexual and emotional abuse, she wanted to deal with me alone for a while and I agreed. Needless to say, the counseling brought out many old hurts and there were times I just wasn't able to be the wife I should have been. I have a very hard time trusting and showing my true feelings anyway. Now I find that my husband has gone to great lengths to re-connect with his "girlfriend", and they have been talking on the phone and seeing one another when they can (she lives out of state). When I found out and told him I absolutely could not put up with him seeing and calling her, he said fine - he wanted out of the marriage. We have three children, and up until this fiasco we had a pretty good marriage. Not perfect, mind you, but pretty good. I love him very much, but he says I do not fulfill his needs. He has a "great loneliness" in himself that I have been unable to fill for the last 15 years. I have done everything I can think of at this point to try and get him to stay and continue to work on our problems (i.e. my problems connecting), but he says although he loves me, I can never be what he truly needs. He also says that this has nothing to do with his "friend" - that this is an incompatability issue for us. I am thinking maybe I am just too damaged to have a real relationship. But I really want to try to become that person deep inside that I've always wanted to be if he'll just give it time. I believe with counseling I can do this. But he says he's given it 15 years and it hasn't worked, so why try any longer. I can't deny that he has been there for me during some bad times. I have had problems with chronic depression and anxiety, but with my medication, the last 3 or 4 years have been much better. At this point I feel like I can do absolutely nothing. Should I just give in and get divorced or keep pleading and trying???? I feel like I'm betraying him in his time of need if I don't stick with it like he did for me, but I just don't feel like I can deal with his "girlfriend". And is there something wrong with me if I can't??? Also, would it be better to just let him go to be with someone else who is not "screwed up" like I am??? I am so frustrated and confused.

There is no reason you should ever have to tolerate his girlfriend. It doesn't sound to me like there is anything wrong with you, but this kind of stuff makes it hard to feel like there's not. I think that it is just easier for him to blame you than to face himself for what he has done to you. I'm a firm believer that you have to do things to make you feel good about yourself and be the best you can be. If he doesn't want you, it's his loss. Good luck.

I think you are heaping way too much blame on yourself. Your problems connecting? What about the fact that you can't possibly connect with someone who is having an affair with someone else?

Keridwen<P>Please check out NSR's posts under newcomers.<P>Read, Read, Read.<P>My here are in the same boat, but have decided they want their marriage to work, and are going to do anything they can to that resolve. Only you can decide.<P>Read about Plans A and B, talk to Dr. Harley, but don't make any decsions right now.

I talked with my husband and he agreed to come to this website. I am hoping he'll realized that his feelings are not that uncommon and that we have a lot to fight for. Namely three wonderful children who need two parents if that's at all possible. I have one question though...where do I find NSR's?? Thanks so much!