I saw this on the MSN website and thought you all would find it interesting...<P>Amanda<P><BR> How to survive your husband's affair <BR> What you – and he – must do to get to forgiveness <P> From Redbook on Women.com <P> You thought he meant "'til death do us part."<BR> Now he's betrayed you and wants a second<BR> chance. Your anger says, "Throw the bum<BR> out." Your heart says, "The marriage is<BR> worth saving." Here's a way to forgive, even<BR> if you can't ever forget. <P> Most affairs fall into one of these categories. Find out what each means<BR> to him — and your marriage. <P> The one-night stand<BR> Involves low emotional attachment. Commonly occurs when he is away<BR> on a trip. "The affair meets a momentary need with no further<BR> commitment or consequences," explains psychologist Willard F. Harley<BR> Jr., co-author of Surviving an Affair. "Give men or women an opportunity<BR> to be unfaithful, and they probably will be." <P> Prognosis: Very promising, as long as it was an isolated event.<BR> But Harley stresses an important question to ask: "Is your<BR> husband addicted to affairs?" If he's a philanderer, "There's no<BR> way to separate him from all women." <BR> Preventive strategy: Be radically honest, even if it's<BR> uncomfortable. "If Clinton had told Hillary he was attracted to<BR> Monica, Hillary would have made sure Monica was out of the<BR> White House," says Harley. "Honesty would have saved Clinton." <P> The mistress<BR> Can continue for years, and may even involve love. Usually, what the<BR> husband is seeking is relief from the routine and predictability of daily<BR> life. "He looks forward to that special time set aside with his mistress<BR> the way he might look forward to a sport," says Ann Langley, senior<BR> clinician at the San Jose Marital and Sexuality Centre in California. <P> Prognosis: Very difficult recovery, but possible. He must be<BR> willing to accept responsibility for the pain caused; you must be<BR> willing to forgive; both of you have to be totally open and honest. <BR> Preventive strategy: "Be your husband's favorite person to talk<BR> to, to have sex with, to play with and to fall in love with," says<BR> Harley. <P> The "I want out" affair<BR> "The person has already decided to leave the relationship, and uses the<BR> affair as an exit," explains Langley. Unlike the need behind a purely<BR> sexual encounter, this can be a deliberately hurtful act. "It sends a<BR> message: 'I don't care. My investment here is over.' It's like the<BR> punctuation at the end of a sentence." <P> Prognosis: The worst. "Obviously, there's a communication gap<BR> and an inability to resolve conflict," says Langley. <BR> Preventive strategy: Talk, have sex, play, fight, talk some more<BR> — try to avoid this point of no return. <P> What you must do<P> First, both parties must understand that "the healing process<BR> takes just as long as the wife needs it to," says Joel Block, a<BR> psychologist in Huntington, N.Y., and the author of Secrets of<BR> Better Sex. "This isn't a punitive process for the husband, it's<BR> doing what it takes to make her feel emotionally safe again." <BR> "You must understand that the affair wasn't about how much<BR> more desirable the other woman was than you are," counsels<BR> Shirley Glass, a Baltimore psychologist who specializes in<BR> infidelity research. "It was about how much he liked who he got<BR> to be while he was doing it." <BR> Your recriminations can't go on forever. "A woman may not want<BR> to heal because she'll lose the upper hand that his guilt gives<BR> her in the relationship," says Glass. "She builds a memorial to<BR> her pain and ends up pushing him away. The inability of a wife to<BR> let go of the pain can even provoke another affair. At some point,<BR> you have to let it go." Or you have to go. <BR> You need to work at maintaining your confidence and<BR> self-esteem by drawing from sources (friendships, work) other<BR> than your marriage. <P> What he must do<P> Whatever a man's reason for wandering, his very first step<BR> toward recovery has to be a sincere apology for the pain he<BR> caused — with no excuses. " 'I'm sorry I did this, but ...' is no<BR> good," says Block. "That implies that his wife is partially<BR> responsible, when she has absolutely no responsibility." <P> Nor is one apology, however heartfelt, enough. Sure, he wants to<BR> put the past behind him, but his wife may need to talk, talk, talk,<BR> and that's a process many men would rather sidestep. <BR> Telling the truth is critically important if you ever hope to rebuild<BR> trust. "If the affair lasted three years, he shouldn't say six<BR> months," says Block. "If his wife finds out he's been lying to her<BR> again, that's a real setback." Broad generalities ("Yes, we met at<BR> that hotel") are better than lurid details the wife will never be able<BR> to forget ("She wore a red teddy, and we broke the bed."). <BR> You get to set the tone. For many women, there is a painful need<BR> to know every little trifle — and hear it over and over and over.<BR> One of your husband's first tasks is to let you ask him any<BR> question you want about the affair. <BR> Your husband needs to be more emotionally supportive than he<BR> has been in the past. "Going back to normal behavior isn't<BR> enough, because there's been an injury," says Block. "He needs<BR> to be more affectionate and attentive." It would also help to bring<BR> gifts and help around the house. And he needs to accept his<BR> wife's anger. "Not give it back to her, but absorb it, and really<BR> listen." <BR> He also needs to re-create trust by acting trustworthy and by<BR> being honest — even if it subjects him to a level of scrutiny he<BR> isn't used to, like calling when he's going to be late, or letting you<BR> check his travel receipts or his cell phone bill. "The husband<BR> might feel resentful, but he needs to look at it differently," says<BR> Block. "He's not a child reporting to a supervisor; he's a husband<BR> who hurt his wife and is helping her heal." <P> <P> <P>------------------<BR>I will love my husband "Always & Forever" <P>thevancefamily@hotmail.com

I saw this too and secretly wished that H would see it. Maybe then he would see that our marriage can work, all he has to do is decide to come home.

avance,<P>Looks good...<BR>...very good...<P>Do you mind if I put it into the <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/forum/Forum29/HTML/000013.html" TARGET=_blank>Notable Posts/Threads</A>?<P>Jim

I am going to cut and paste this. <P>I'm not so sure he will read it, because he maintains he had an "almost mistake...."<P>but, what the heck.<P>Thanks.<BR>TNT

Today I've been centered on "why is he doing this". I think I just got the answer. <BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR> <B> "You must understand that the affair wasn't about how much more desirable the other woman was than you are," <BR></B><HR></BLOCKQUOTE> <P>He can "be who he wants to be" instead of who he actually is. <P> <BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR> <B><BR> "It was about how much he liked who he got to be while he was doing it." <BR></B><HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P>

Let's see... I had an exit affair, and my H had a one-night stand after having several EA's that he wants to forget... <P>Boy! Are we in trouble.<P>Very interesting, and I read every word. I pretty much stay away from here, but I'm glad I dropped by. Very enlightening, if not outright scary in my situation.<P>Thanks Amanda!<p>[This message has been edited by new_beginning (edited February 04, 2000).]

thanks guys...I thought you would like it...<P><BR>NSR: yes you can put it in the notable threads area...dont I feel special....first time in a long time...thanks..<P><BR>amanda<P>------------------<BR>I will love my husband "Always & Forever" <P>thevancefamily@hotmail.com

I think the most telling part of this post *is* the quote about really liking who you get to be during the affair. Bingo. <P>This is why I've come to believe that very often, an affair has *very* little to do with the OP, or even for that matter, with the state of the marriage... but a whole lot to do with a person reaching a state of being on the edge of an "emotional growth spurt". I believe we change throughout our lives not in neat little increments, but in great, messy leaps! Almost like being in an earthquake zone... the tension in our 'fault lines' increases to the point where some kind of change is essential and inevitable.<P>The causes could be anything... unhappiness with job, depression, a feeling of getting older, death of a friend or relative, neglect of spiritual growth... whatever. The person is feeling stagnant and unhappy... doesn't quite know why... but hey, the *marriage* seems like a good bet! (especially if any kind of "friendship" or flirting has already developed)<P>I also believe that most people get involved in an affair out of sheer ignorance - they don't *know* what they're hungering for; they don't know how to fix what's wrong (hard to do if you don't *know* what's wrong!); they aren't aware that they're playing with fire when they engage in flirting or a close friendship... and things begin to spiral out of control.<P>"Official MB Disclaimer" : I'm not implying that the betrayer is blameless - clearly at some point a conscious choice is made to engage in a full-blown EA. But not all betrayers are evil slimebags devoid of morals... many, if not most, are just 'regular people' in some kind of pain who have naively and ignorantly allowed themselves to get sucked into a situation they didn't see coming.<P>So, to continue the subject matter on another thread (which has morphed into a discussion of custody & child-support) - how to decrease adultery? I don't think punitive divorce laws are the answer. Since when has fear of consequences stopped people from doing dumb things??<P>Primarily, I think that making people of marriageable age into "educated consumers" is the key. It shouldn't be easier to get married than to get a driver's license, for Pete's sake! IMHO, people are SO NAIVE about what marriage really entails. I've come to believe this so strongly, that I've started a file for my boys - information from the MB website, clippings of articles, "random thoughts from Mom", whatever. I'm not sure schools are the place to teach this stuff... perhaps seminars sponsored by churches, the YMCA, ?? And certainly - at home. <P>I think one of the best gifts we can give our kids is to share what we've learned about life - obviously, you can't just start talking "at" them when they're teenagers, or it'll all be ignored as Parental Mindless Drivel... but I figure a packet of written information will be something they might pore over & absorb (when they think we're not looking ).<P>Anyway, random thoughts...<P>------------------<BR>~suse~<BR>Rome wasn't built in a day.<BR><p>[This message has been edited by suse (edited February 04, 2000).]

Hey, Student wife, thought you said something about wanting your H to read this. Any time I see something I think might interest my H I send a copy of the page to him, there is an icon at the top of the page that says you can send this to someone. I think it helps sometimes when other people say the things I feel and usually we discuss them after he reads what I've sent. Just a suggestion, took me a bit to figure out you could do it. Bless You!<P>------------------<BR>Chick's <BR>Bren<P>You won't see things until your ready to not be blind!