I told H I don't agree with it but I am not willing to give him up either. OW had told me that if she ever came between H and I she would back off- that was a lie- I won't be so blind now. He main purpose is to get my H to comit to her only and that is not what my H wanted. So he is doing alot of thinking and I still have hopes that he will come back to me and leave her in the garbage where she belongs.

sharlene,<P>I love all my friends at the forum <B>very</B> much...<P>...but...<P>...now it's time for professional help!!!<P>Start <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi7200_phone.html" TARGET=_blank>telephone counseling sessions</A> with <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi7010_about.html" TARGET=_blank>Steven W. Harley</A>. Check out the <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi7000_counsel.html" TARGET=_blank>Counseling Center</A>... and for some specifics... <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi7015_fee.html" TARGET=_blank>Fees for Counseling Services</A> and <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi7020_sched.html" TARGET=_blank>Scheduling an Appointment</A>!<P>Please... <P>Jim

Limerick, <P>I hope you are doing better from those two episodes. I felt that way once too, I never attempted but I felt that might be the reason this happened, because I wasn't worthy of living. I am glad I woke up real quick.<P>Sharlene,<P>I am also concerned about you. I think you should definetly get some counseling as soon as possible. This does not sound good for your emotional health. To me it doesn't really seem like a Plan A, more like just your H is in full control of absolutely everything. Him living in the house with you and seeing OW on set days is totally bizarre. Not the kind of thing a normal person would do. You are letting him get away with it, and your self esteem is suffering. <P>I am not ready to give up my H either. Trust me. I got pounded on twice on the forum for some of my actions. But I respect all on here and take all advice to heart. I even changed my mode of thinking on things now.<P>Please get help. If you can't afford it, try a church, or a local womens organization. If you have Lifeline in your area, they possibly can refer you as well. Let us know when you speak to someone. You deserve better than this. We all do. Believe in yourself and know that you can only control YOU not H. I don't see how he can ever get to a guilty feeling on what he is doing if you in some way 'allow' him to do it.<P>Prayers are with you tonite. Oh I thought of you today in counseling. I copied a quote out of a magazine for you.<P>YOU MUST DO THE THINGS YOU THINK YOU CANNOT DO...By Eleanor Roosevelt.<P>You think you cannot live without H. You can. Its hard. It hurts. Sometimes you cry yourself to sleep, but you will have your self respect and dignity. Don't allow him to do this. Maybe he will find you more appealing when you stand up for yourself. <P>Prayers to you.

Sharlene:<P>I am in a very similar situation. He moved to a temporary "home" away from home several weeks ago when we decided that we needed to separate to stop the "angry outbursts". I at first did not want to be with him sexually because it is too confusing. But I gave in and many times am the instigator of being "close". We have continued to "make love":confused around once a week. It makes me feel wanted & needed when in reality I probably am only a "feel good". It doesn't change anything. He says he loves me but we can't get along. Too much has happened during this two year on again off again affair with OW, and what were the deficiencies in our marriage that led to his affair? I did not provide his emotional needs & he found solace elsewhere. She has been his escape from reality - his ego booster. She provided what I did not. I thought that perhaps without my constant harrassment and by being supportive, helpful, pleasant, kind etc. (Plan A) he might stop being defensive come to his senses about what a dirtbag he knows she is. (We have had many conversations about his reservations about her) He has said that he knows that he could never have a true relationship with her but still he continues to see her. Our separation has made our life more civil but it has also just made it easier for him to see her without me passing judgement. He acts like he could go on like this forever. What will make him realize that choices have to be made? He is not being "faithful" to anyone. How can you and I be so accepting that they are with someone else? Obviously no wife should knowingly have to share their husband with the OW. But that is what we are doing. Why?

Love is blind-Thank you for trying to understand what I am going through. You and I seem to have the excact same situation. I do love my H very much and he has told me he can't give her up so what do I do? She tells him what he wants to hear and they share great times together and here it is different because we have children and cannot act like we did when we were first married. He is doing the same things we did when we first fell in love, with her. Who wouldn't want to go back and feel that adrenaline rush-its addicting. Even the statstic say that once you are separated 25% never get back together.I don't want to be that 25%.<P>------------------<BR>

Sharlene:<BR>Don't you wish you had the freedom to go back in time & do things differently? That you could remove your mundane husband wife responsibilites & problems & just have & provide the fun that you used to have together that brought you together in the first place. How nice it would be to not have the interference of work, money, kids schedules, death of loved ones, & the<BR>responsibilities & obligations that consume endless amounts of time & be able to just <BR>do what you really want to do & enjoy yourself. You made me cry!! How tough is it to see H putting OW on the pedistal that he once put you on.? How do we know when to give up or what we might be able to do to get back what we know were the best times in our life? How do we reconcile with the fact that they supposedly care about us but still want to being with OW & keep hurting us?

love is blind,<BR>Thats the problem we can't take away those responsibilities they are part of growing- together-not apart. My H just can't see past her right now and I can wait, only because I love him with everything that I am.<P>------------------<BR>

Sharleen:<BR>I agree completely with you but how long can we compromise our own self respect in hopes that they too will realize that reposibilities and obligations are a part of life & be willing to face them & deal with them and be committed to us. They obviously find it easier to separate themselves from us & the problems involved & give the best of themselves to someone else. As long as we are willing to share them why should anything change for them?

love is blind,<BR>I don't know how long I can wait............I understand H is getting the best of both worlds but that dosen't make it easy for me to throw him out knowing I would be alone with know to love, H would go to OW and she would love him so why would he come back to me if shes loving him and meeting his needs? Out of site out of mind....<P>------------------<BR>

Sharleen:<P>You sound more like me all of the time...<BR>Keep us posted...

Sharleen,<P>I know how deeply you love H, it shows in your posts. I don't want this to sound the wrong way, because you are upset enough. But out of site out of mind, is not necessarily true. Also, he is really taking advantage of you here. Have you thought about seeing a counselor yet, for your own sanity and peace of mind?? What he is doing is not a healthy thing. Yet if you want to talk unhealthy, be sure to read my latest post and you will see, I have a lot of cruelty and pain to deal with too,but I am standing up for myself, putting my foot down and Plan A on hold and getting my life in order. Also, you don't need anyone to love or anyone to love you. That is not what makes you a complete worthy person. Are you sure a lot of this grief isn't coming from the fact that he has someone else, and you feel alone?? I know , that is where my pain comes from sometimes, but I try not to go to that place very often or I wouldn't be alive.<P>Counselor, and possibly medication can help you see straight. Sometimes you get so entangled in your own life, you don't see it for what it really is, yet your friends and relatives can. Take care of yourself and be strong. Prayers are with you.

Lonelymom,<BR>I have been on medication since Dec and I have been seeing a counseler, although I don't think the counseler is helping and I will be changing counselers this month. And yes I would have great difficulties not having someone to love me. And yes I upsets me greatly that she loves him and he loves her. I still find it hard to believe he can love someone else while still loving me, if he had respect for me he would only love me,Im not being totally naive here I just don't want to loose him. All of these replies have helped me tremendously-thank you!<P>------------------<BR>