SHA,<BR>Remember...the whole point with Plan A....is that you HANG on long enough .....that your "addicted spouse" gets past the fantasy life, realizes the consequences of their actions and chooses the "best" direction. <P>Although it's a killer, none of us know when that is going to happen. Remember what she's in ***Withdrawl***. That certainly doesn't excuse "their" behavioir but it sure helps us understand it.<P>You've been into a slow recovery for sometime and there are bound to be Hiccups !!!<P>ALL OF US GO THROUGH THEM...<P>Be strong and remember what the prize is....<BR>-Tina

SHA, my old friend, I really am truly sorry that it's come to this for you. Agree with some other posters, though, that there may still be a little hope. To find out if there is, I think you might want to consider giving her an ultimatum before leaving outright. (Think you're probably right, that you'll have to be the one to go.) Just tell her, flat out, it's either him or me, you can't have us both. If you don't give him up then I'm leaving, that's it. Tell her you know about her communications with him and that she's still seeing him and tell her, flat out, that it's got to stop or else. And then, if it doesn't stop, or if she doesn't at least take some real steps towards giving him up, then move out.<P>Also agree with new_beginning that you should tell OM's wife. I would. You don't deserve the kind of treatment he's been handing out. Frankly, the man deserves to have HIS marriage wrecked the way he's wrecked yours. But if you do decide to do this, I'd give you the same advice I give everyone on this forum who's thinking about this option. Do it anonymously, by letter or email if possible. Just say you're a friend of yours or some such. (Don't tell your W that you're doing this either.) Be specific, and do tell the OM's W that he's having an affair with - and give your W's full name and address. Also provide some proof. If you have copies of email or other correspondance between them, or tapes of their phone conversations, send those along too. The guy deserves to be in hot water with his W.<P>Look, ole buddy, you've been incredibly longsuffering and forgiving throughout this whole mess. All of us here on MBF admire you trememdously for how hard you've tried to heal your marriage and win your W back. But there comes a point when, if the maiden doesn't want to be rescued from the dragon, then the knight in shining armor has no choice but to turn around, leave her with the dragon, and ride off into the sunset.<P>If it's any consolation, I've pretty much reached this stage with my W too. We had a fight on Sunday in which I laid everything on the line about her affair and how I felt about it. And I'm not backing down this time. I told her that I don't care where she sleeps. I'm also not ever again going to be the first one to try and make physical contact. And, as soon as I can afford it, we are going to live separately even if I'm the one who has to move out too.<P>Take care bro, I'm wishing the best wishes I can for you. Regards and blessings,<P>--Wex

{{{{{{{SHA}}}}}}}}<BR>i know how you feel, and am so sorry.<BR>if i could make one teeny suggestion?<BR>find a way to get out and go for a walk. <BR>i have had a million reasons not to do so, but when i did it, it made me feel a million times better..<BR>hang in there.

Well, I prayed, I took a long walk, had a beer, looked at myself in the mirror, prayed again, I didn't shed any tears. What does it mean when the tears don't fall anymore? <P>I reread the latest barrage of emails between her and d*ckhead (I guess I needed to give him a name other than his real one). He's definitely coming on to her; more so than in previous messages. I found more pictures of the guy. He's good looking. MARRIED. Enjoys sending love notes to a MARRIED woman. Other interests including destroying families especially those with young children. Oh, in all the pictures he has his wedding ring on - I wonder what that means to him? I wonder what it means to my wife? <P>This reply is extremely long. I wanted to respond to each of you, so find your name and see my reply. If you read them all, my hat is off to you. Thank you all so much for your advice, encouragement, and prayers. I didn't think I would be back at square one - but here I am. How depressing. <P><B>Faith Hope Love</B><BR> <BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>Are you sure they are physically involved or/and intensely emotionally involved?<HR></BLOCKQUOTE> I don't think it's physical again. But, the emotional aspect certainly is strong again. I think it's only a matter of time - I guess. She never did break it off totally. She wanted to maintain a friendship and now this. She knows my feelings if it became physical again. <P> <BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>If push came to shove, are you sure your wife wouldn't give the OM up?<HR></BLOCKQUOTE>I don't know. Logically I don't see any future there but, she isn't thinking logically. I don't know if the OM would divorce his wife. It would be my new life's goal to destroy his career over this and I think I could. My wife would be giving up a pretty nice lifestyle. My wife would lose at least half the time with her kids. She would lose out on the way I treat her now; I know the OM couldn't compete with that. My wife would be forced to work full time - she doesn't want to do that. She would have to live with the fact that she was the reason this all has happened. I have given her every reason to choose me and she doesn't seem to want that; or perhaps she wants me AND the d*ckhead. I think my wife likes the attention of being chased by another guy. Who wouldn't I guess. She chased him to start and now he's chasing her.<P> <BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>If you D, will you go for custody? If so, really think before you leave your house.<HR></BLOCKQUOTE>I would go for full custody. Doesn't a betrayed man have some rights to his kids? I would not stand to have another man in the house with my kids. Right now, I am willing to sacrifice our life savings to do that. I make a lot of money - she doesn't, so I think I could recover much faster than she could.<P>Knowing my wife, she would think I am over reacting to this. And that I would be the one forcing a separation and I would be the one destroying the kids by this (I can already hear it). She has a way of making me the bad guy no matter what the situation is. <P><B>new_beginning</B><BR>I want to call the OM's wife. She has a right to know about this - doesn't she? I just don't know if she was ever informed as to what her husband did. It is so tempting right now. I'm just not sure of the words to use. How do you tell someone there spouse is messing around? I don't think there is any nice way to put that.<P><B>Paul Moyers</B><BR>I see your point. Funny thing about Job. God allowed his entire life to be destroyed - took everything, his kids, his wealth, his health, and yet He never took his wife. And she was the one saying "Curse God and die". I hear you Paul. This problem would be so much easier to work if we didn't have kids. I look at them, and hold them, and I can barely keep it all together. I don't know what the future holds for them. It's so unfair. All this trauma over what? It just sickens me. I wish God would speak clearly to me on this. I wish God would open my wife's eyes to the reality of the situation. Perhaps she just doesn't give a rip. Thank you for your prayers. I sincerely hope your marriage doesn't go this route.<P><B>wasstubborn</B><BR>Thank you. It seems all my worst fears are being realized. I just can't believe she is choosing this path. Thanks for caring.<P><B>Lor (Lor)</B><BR>Your h has done this three times and moved out six? Dang. It's just so frustrating. The LB's have had there way over this past holiday. Little digs by her - retalliation by me. Put downs by her - put downs by me. I apologized the next day for my behavior. She said "fine". AAAAGGGGGGHHHHHH!!!!! I have read Divorce Busters - wife hasn't. She won't read any marriage building books. The quote in your signature really hit me. What to do - what to do.<P><B>professorg</B><BR>Rob, how do you do it? This isn't God's plan for marriage. Why won't he wake her up? Why does she continue to be lead astray? I was there when this lady accepted Christ. We were baptized together. I have seen her lead others to Christ. I just don't get it Rob, this whole thing just doesn't make any sense anymore.<P><B>trustntruth</B><BR>I don't want to leave. I don't want my wife to leave. I want this OM out of our lives. I want my marriage back. I want to wake up and have this all be over. I know God is on my side - but He is allowing this for some reason. I just wish I could see the big picture. What is His plan for me and my marriage. Maybe I'm just being punished for past sins. I don't know. I really like your idea about sending back his email message. That would probably scare the cr*p out of him. I'm sure he doesn't know I'm reading his sappy love notes. You know, I have been praying for his marriage and for his wife. I can only imagine the hurt she will experience. Thank you TNT.<P><B>Sheba</B><BR>My wife and I have made progress. But, for some reason she won't let go of this OM. I'm not enough for her for some reason. I know there should be no contact, but how do you tell someone that they're addicted. She'll say they are just friends. Sheba, right now, I'm just so tired of this. I think back over this past year and all I have done, and it feels like it has been in vain. I am a better man. I have lived through some junk I never thought I would have to. I simply want a wife to love me even just a little as much as I love her. I'm growing cynical about marriage. It seems every movie we see has an affair. We watched one together the other night and this lady found out her husband was having an affair for several years. The devastation on her face - my wife just sat there. It seems every marriage on TV or the movies is viewed as horrible. Thanks Sheba, I'm trying to find the good in this. <P><B>Just Learning</B><BR>I thought I was fighting the good fight. As for honesty, that always seems to turn into a love buster. Don't ask me how. When I'm open and honest, she feels like I'm punishing her or trying to hurt her in some way. You touched on all the things I want to do. Tell him, tell his wife, rack him over the coals with his employer. Wouldn't that just be great if after all this I helped saved the OM's marriage and yet mine crumbles. I don't know. I don't see that as good right now. JL, you can't demand respect. I can't make my wife respect me. She either offers that freely or she doesn't. I feel I have earned it through this past year, but I don't know what is going on in her pretty little head. I have been giving it my best and will continue to do so. This latest episode was just another kick in the gut. After a while you just get tired of getting kicked in the gut and you want retribution. <P><B>K</B><BR>You're probably going to hate my guts, but I chose to go with a Family Life Marriage counselor here in town. If it doesn't work, I will go to Steve. How an you say my wife has a feeling of love for me? Yes, she's living with me, but isn't that out of necessity? If she did love me, wouldn't she see this as wrong? I really appreciate your wisdom and clear thinking in the heat of battle. I'm tired of this pit. I feel like I have taken up permanent residence here. Are you saying I should just monitor her email for a while and not confront her on this?<P><B>NSR</B><BR>Thank you for the links to the lawyer sites.<BR> <BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>Do you really want to put yourself (and everyone in your life) through this HELL!<HR></BLOCKQUOTE>No. Can you ask my wife this question? I would be interested in her answer. Thank you NSR - you have much wisdom in your words. I have to read each of your posts several times, because you pack a lot of stuff in there. You're a good man. Thank you.<P><B>WhoDat</B><BR>Thanks for the thoughts, I need them.<P><B>Distressed</B><BR>Thank you. I know I may be over reacting, but I can't help it. It has just been going on for so long. I really need to understand what patience is. Just when I thought I understood, this happens. Thanks for posting.<P><B>Dazed and Confused</B><BR>Thank you Dazed. You know, I always think about a line you posted many months ago. You stated that you didn't just want a marriage, but you wanted a marriage with all the trimmings (or something like that). That really touched me, and that's all I've been shooting for. Thanks for caring.<P><B>Starpony</B><BR>Thank you. You're right about the pain not going away with me acting out right now. I just want someone else to feel this. I don't want to get used to the pain. AAARRRGGGHHH. Thanks.<P><B>Rutger</B><BR>Thanks for being there Rutger. I hope you are doing well. I thought I had a handle on this thing, but I guess I don't. I'm really searching for hope, some inkling of a reason to hold on a little longer. Thanks for your prayers.<P><B>Sheba</B><BR> <BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>Now I will share my warrior princess "losing the funk" routine!!!!<HR></BLOCKQUOTE>You have a way of putting a smile on my face. Losing the funk? That did it for me.<BR> <BR> <BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>I know you like country but it can't be the slow mopey dopey gushy songs!!!!<HR></BLOCKQUOTE>And there are plenty, that is for sure. One that fits your description is from Toby Keith - "I was getting kinda tired of her endless chatter, nothin I could say ever seem to matter. So, I took a little drive just clear my head, I saw a flashing neon, up ahead, it look like a place to find some satisfaction, with a little less talk and a lot more action." That's just the first verse, it gets better after that. I like your idea about a punching bag. I think I kind find a picture of someone to put on it. <P><B>NoTrust</B><BR>Your user name hits the mark. Just when I was starting to trust a little bit again - wham. Thanks.<P><B>Tfloyd</B><BR>Tina, how long is long enough? We were doing so well over the summer and then boom. This cr@p. I'm not sure she is in withdrawal anymore, I think she is back in the affair mode. Am I over reacting to the situation? I don't know. After confronation, the OM ran for a bit, but now he's courting her. I just don't know what to make of it. She could have told him to back off, but she didn't.<P><B>Wexwill</B><BR>The only thing stopping me from saying the words you suggested are my kids. It's just so freaking unfair. She has an affair. I work my buns off courting her again and totally changing my personality, and then I have to leave? That really makes me angry. I almost feel like telling the OM that he can have her - and I hope they live unhappily ever after in dishonesty, mistrust, and infidelity. But, I have four kids depending on me. I'm trying to hold us together. How do you do an anonymous email? I thought each email tagged it's site ID to the message and you could be traced. Is there a way around that? I really like that idea. Has anyone here done this and what was the reaction? Your maiden - dragon analogy is a good one too. I would be interested in how well the dragon could cherish her. And my wife isn't the easiest person to live with either. Sorry about your plight. I thought we might be able to go though recovery at the same time. Maybe there's still hope, I don't know. I went against my own resolve and initiated physical intimacy again this weekend. She said Ok and well…it was great. Very caring, very loving, very intense. The kisses were longer than they have been in a long time - that why I don't understand this whole mess. Thanks Wex.<P><B>love WAS blind</B><BR>Thanks for the hugs and the suggestion. I did go for a walk. It did help. Thank you for caring.<P>Thanks everyone - you all are good people and I appreciate you more than you can ever imagine.<P>SHA<P>------------------<BR>There is only one happiness in life, to love and be loved. <P><BR><p>[This message has been edited by Sir Hurts Alot (edited November 30, 1999).]

SHA,<BR>I wish I could say something to help you feel better but we both know that is not possible. I just want to say that I agree with not doing anything until you have talked to a counselor. The one exception would be the finances. Protect as much as you can!<P>I also think you should tell the OM's W. Not to get revenge. Not to ruin his marriage as he as ruined yours. Do it for her sake. She is in the same position you are. She has a right to know. I don't know if I would do it anonymously or not, but I would do it! <P>Then I would follow Sheba's advice. She left out one VERY important step though. You have to put the OM's picture on that punching bag!!

SHA,<P>My heart HURTS for you!!! I am truly sorry your wife is so blind to the facts here - she needs to be in one relationship or another!<P>I agree with Sheba - please do NOT act out of raw emotions. It is OK to make a decision at this point, just keep it to yourself and think it ALL the way through before IMPLEMENTING it!<P>I ask you to go back and read your reply to FHL. You make a VERY STRONG case for your W staying with you, IF she was REALLY FORCED tio make a decision between you and the OM. If you do decide that you want to confront her and give her some sort of ultimatum, you know you have to be prepared to go all the way with this. She might leave and never come back. Or, she might not leave at all. Or she might leave and later realize what a horrible mistake she has made and come running back. Sounds like she has it pretty cushy with you and OM isn't looking for another W, just a playmate (b@stard!)<P>Try to think through, as NSR suggested, the positives and the negatives of the three possible scenarios. Take the time to really mull this over......<P>Is it REALLY over or is this just another d@mn setback???????????<P>Roll Me Away<BR><P>------------------<BR>"Life is made up, not of great sacrifices or duties, but of little things in which smiles and kindnesses and small obligations, given habitually, are what win and preserve the heart and secure comfort."<P>Sir Humphry Davy<BR>

<BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>Infidelity is a monster. It gobbles up the lives of innocent children and<BR> spits them on the betrayed spouse. <HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P>That quote said it all. <P>I am so sorry. Sometimes I think it is pointless to have any hope.

SHA,<P>What is the plan? You have heard a full range of responses here. What are you thinking about? It is time to get it together. I know you feel like you are looking up at snakes bellies, but it is time to think.<P>Are you going to wait until counseling to decide? Are you going to explain to her that you know they are back hot and heavy and not "just friends"? She is going to wonder about your current state, are you going to be honest with her about where you are? I don't mean ultimatiums but the how and why you are feeling really down.<P>SHA, you have been in Plan A almost one year now. You are a strong man and you can handle this. You have options, many of which were mentioned on this thread. In many respects you are in control of the situation. Don't despair about that. Your W is the one that has no control of her life or yours.<P>Look at what you have done and what you are capable of. Think about it. You do good work man! When I said fight for your W, I should have explained further. I didn't mean blow everything up right now. I meant use your strength, patience, and knowledge to take postive action for your marriage. If you decide to tell OM's W do it. You have the option I suspect of ruining his career. You have many more options. <P>Think about them. You are the one with control here. You simply cannot control what another person feels or thinks. None of us can do that.<P>SHA, I as do many others have a lot of faith in you. You will make things work out for you and your kids. The confidence comes because we know that even if you make a mistake you will not stay mistaken long. You know how to evaluate yourself, your motivations, and your actions. You will do fine SHA. Sit back think, plan, and act on your plan. You will do well. Your W? well we all have some concerns about her .<P>Take care SHA.<P>God will Bless You I am sure.<P>JL<P>P.S. You remember how you felt stuck and things weren't right with W. You were right but as usual it was not you. Your feelings are pretty well tuned, go with them.

SHA<P>I'm so sorry that you feel so hopeless. Of all the guys I always hoped you would succeed. Like everyone else I don't think all is lost.<P>You've worked hard for a year on your own - it's time to change the approach. I agree with everyone your W has to choose.<P>My guess is the OM's wife knows, and if not she deserves to, so I would contact her. The time to call is when your W and OM are together and ask her if she knows where her husband is. Be prepared for all possible consequences of this action though. She may have decided she wants rid of him. She may be shocked and distraught. She may want to work on her marriage. etc. etc.<P>Before you talk to a counselor have an idea of a plan you want to implement, then you can discuss its merits. As K suggested I would give Steve a call anyway. The more help the better.<P>Be prepared for the consequences of your actions. Since you want custody don't leave the house under any circumstances, but have a plan to make it easier for your wife to leave including finding her an apartment.<P>Most of all though SHA I would like to thank you for all the words of advice and encouragement you have given to me directly and through advice to others. From my experience of your teachings you won't give up easily, and you shouldn't!<P>------------------<BR>It's always darkest before the dawn

Sir HA,<BR>I haven't been here much lately, just saw this post<BR>I am so sorry, when we're feeling a bit safer in our marriage ...things happen, and then it's like it hurts even more than when we found out.<P>Everybody said most everything, I can only say that I'm sorry it's happening and I'm thinking of you.<P>I can also reenforce what was said in regards to seeing or talking to the op again. MY H did it, after I though he really wanted to rebuild. A couple of times. It's like irresistible. But what I found was that with time it became less and less irresistible. I know you've been there for a while, but...Also if your w self esteem is low ( which could be ) having him saying all that cr*p to her might be disrupting her rational thinking. <BR>I don't know sir... I'm too tired to think, but please don't act without thinking before, specially regarding leaving.<BR>Hugs<BR>Kat<P>------------------<BR>Each and everyone of us is deserving of a kind word, a gentle thought, and the gift of understanding.

SHA,<P>I see lots of good advice from some very good people who care deeply for you. I'm not sure i can add much, but since our situations have been so similiar, i'll take a shot. Remember though, everyone has their own level of tolerance. Mine is probably different than yours and so what i'm recommending may not be right for you AT THIS TIME. Anyway, know that you and your family are in my prayers. Here's my $0.02:<P>See your doc for antidepression meds. Now is the time for clear thinking and these will make that possible. Very important !! <P>Tell your W what you know and that her behavior is unacceptable. Tell her that you're contemplating your options. <P>Make copies of all the e-mails. <P>I would tell the OM's W. Then i would call him to let him know that upon seeing any further contact w/your W, you will go to the school administration with your evidence. If he wants to play he has to be willing to pay the entry fee !!<P>There's a downside to this. (I know because i called the OM's wife) Your W will probably become angry that you made the calls and may even feel that you denied her the right to choose. Not true. She still has ALL her options available, it's just out in the open now. <P>As for moving out, i would not. I thought about it and then decided that my W was the one who left the marriage, so she should be the one to leave if she felt a split was necessary. I was not prepared to leave my kids. Although her affair is over,she has chosen to get an apartment. This saddens me, but it's part of the process of sorting this thing out. She may return, she may not. Either way, movement is taking place and healing will be the result. Like me, you've treaded water for a long time. Thing is, you can't do that forever.<P>So far you've done what your heart told you was good and right. Now may be the time to give your heart a rest and let your head do some work.

SHA,<P>Call the OM's wife ASAP. There is no reason that his wife should not know what is going on. I waited way too long to do this. I can't say it has helped move us as far forward as I want (withdrawel). But I will say that is brought everything out in the open. OM's wife told me for so long she wanted to talk to me but she thought I would think she was crazey.<P>If you are going to place an anoymous call I would think about getting a women to place the call. I think it would be rare for a man to call another women about this. I would also go directly to OM. Confront him man to man. Imagine what he would think when this was done. Imagine how you would feel if some crazed husband confronted you if this was going on.<P>The more people that know the more it does not look as attractive. I held off for so long because I was worried about what my wife would think. Then I said what about me. Hope this helps. But I think everyone needs to get involved. From what you say I don't think the OM's wife will throw him out

SHA:<P>I don't hate your guts . The main reason that I wanted you working with Steve is because he is the best, and one of his specialities is working through infidelity. I know Steve's track record, and I've worked with him extensively, so I truly believe that he would be of great help to you. I don't know your counselor, or their style of dealing with infidelity. I always recommend Steve because I've worked with him, and out of the 3 people I saw, he was far and away the best. So that's my thoughts there...<P>You are going through a situation that was very similar to my own. You discovered the affair. Your wife "ended it". You've been working very hard, and now you've rediscovered contact. The second time is harder in many ways (we'd have to ask Lor about more than that...). <P>Here are the facts:<P>She's living with you, and she's not "unresponsive". Which indicates that she's still confused. She hasn't chosen the OM yet. It's still fantasy for her. The crap that you read between them will kill you---I'm going to suggest that you save what evidence you currently have, and cease gathering more (unless you're bent on divorce and your lawyer instructs you to do so). You don't need to read the words between the two of them. They're not real. Trust me... Otherwise my wife would have been snuggling under the OM's Christmas tree last year with him---instead, I was delivering his baby.<P>You have indicated that you've made a lot of progress in your marriage. This is really important---although it doesn't seem to mean squat now, it will be the reason your wife chooses you over the OM. But it's getting likely that she will need to crash and burn before that happens. You need to be consistent in your plan A behavior---if you're slipping, you need to consider a separation. But again, I'd urge you to be in counseling with Steve before you do this.<P>You must fight your urges to punish the OM, or tell his wife. Nothing good will come of that. Put yourself in your wife's place---this will be a huge lovebuster. Don't involve others---it's not right, and it's not appropriate at this point.<P>Your wife is confused and conflicted. She's not evil, and she's not doing this to punish you. So you need to try to keep this all in mind as you plot your course of action. Again, I'd urge you to go right to Steve---the two of you will be able to get a plan in place quickly. And I think you need something in place very soon---I'm afraid you're reaching the point where a separation will be necessary. You're losing your love for your wife, and you don't have much time left.<P>SHA, I'm sure that you can win this. You just need to make the right moves.

SHA:<P>Nothing to add but that I'm really sorry that you're going through this. Will keep you in my thoughts, and pray for a happy resolution.<P>Hang in there.<P>------------------<BR>/// Lone Star * ///<P>

Hi SHA<BR>I am truely sorry to hear about this, I wish I could wave a magic wand and make it all go away for you, you are such a good guy (I pray that your wife's eyes will open up to that soon before it is too late) I often wonder why this happens to us, just as we are getting on our feet whaaaaaam and there we go again. If no wand perhaps the frying pan if you can find out who has it now, if I recall correctly Deb might have it.<P>Hugs<BR>Jenny<P>------------------<BR>Where have all the cowboys gone ?<BR>Paula Cole<P><BR>

SHA, <BR>Been there, done that...... this happened several times over the two years before I went to PLan B. My H was somewhat loving toward me, told me he wanted to work it out with me, then would contact her and restart the whole mess over. I am FIRMLY convinced that before recovery can truly begin for you and your wife, she must break all contact with the OM. Even though there have been some positive moves between the two of you, I am sure that her wanting to continue her friendship with him has bothered you. And she may not be able to truly work on your marriage without total separation from the OM. Can you force her hand? I think that for me, every time I found out about contact between them, my love died a little. I had to go to PLan B so that I still had feelings for him. Only you know when that is right for you. Be strong, do what is in your heart . We are all here for you!!<BR><P>------------------<BR>Susan<P><BR>

Good morning my good friends, <P>I've had a chance to sleep on this and I also want to tell you about last night. My wife was at work yesterday, so I was watching the kids most of the night. I found myself being very short tempered with them. I hate that. Any little thing they did I was getting angry about. My oldest son confronted me about my temper and at that point I realized how much this was affecting them. I settled down and we had a nice night together. My wife came home much later than expected from work. She told me why (supposedly work related). I asked her about her day and got her dinner. We talked for about an hour or so about her work and what was going on (she never asked me about my day - good thing maybe). She asked me if I would rub her hair because she was so tired. I gave her a nice hair rub and we talked a little more. It was a nice quiet evening together.<P>I guarantee as soon as the kids are off to school, she'll be typing away at the computer to see if her boyfriend sent any email. <P>I do have a plan that I need some advice on and I will start a new thread for that. This week marks one year that this mess started for me. What a year. I will respond to each of you that posted a little later. I have a meeting to run to and some work that is due that I have neglected for too long.<P>Thank you for caring about me, encouraging me, and providing me with some excellent advice.<P>K - you said some thing that really got me here today and go directly against what I'm planning. I will get back to you when I can.<P>SHA

<BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>Rob, how do you do it? This isn't God's plan for marriage. Why won't he wake her up?<HR></BLOCKQUOTE><BR>I do it by letting Him call the shots for me. I have endured because He has gven me the strength and the things I need to do. Yes, I have gotten discouraged a lot all along the way. I keep praying, reading His word so that He can comfort me, and listening to sermons on the radio whereby He further comforts me.<P> <BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>Why does she continue to be lead astray? I was there when this lady accepted Christ. We were baptized together. I have seen her lead others to Christ.<HR></BLOCKQUOTE><BR>Unfortunately, not all who profess to know Him really know Him. It says that you will know a tree by its fruit. If there is no fruit that indicates that one is saved, then odds are they are not. I try to apply all aspects of scripture that pertains to any given situation. I feel the same way about my W. She professes but I don't see the fruit not when it comes to me. I do see pride being the major issue. My W likes it when she is getting her way and no one contradicts her. Her definition of a friend is that they agree with you on a lot of things whether they think you are right or not. I define a friend as someone who corrects me when I am wrong as defined by God in His word.<P> <BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>I just don't get it Rob, this whole thing just doesn't make any sense anymore.<HR></BLOCKQUOTE><BR>I resolved this dilemma by concentrating on what He wanted me to learn from the situation. I have found that He definitely wants me to rely SOLELY unpon Him and no one else because we ALL get our strength from Him though most of us don't really understand that it works that way. My W needs someone to care for her and He brought me into her life to do that. I was not going to get married until He told me to. I was to crushed by my previous relationship that I vowed to be close to only Him. <P>I know that it is hard to understand because He doesn't always reveal enough to us for it to make sense to us. We have to rely on Him to do what He knows is best for us.<P>I too have been taking out some of my frustration on our boys. I had a long talk with our oldest last night. He hates it when we argue. I told him that I was working on stopping as best I can with God's help. It hurts immensely. I die a thousand deaths a second but I know that God is pleased because of the scripture that I keep coming across at my really low moments. He lifts me up with His word.<P>MONDO HUG my friend!!!!!!!!!!!<BR><P>------------------<BR>God Bless,<BR>Rob<P><BR>

Hi Sir Hurts Alot,<BR>Yes I am a junior member, I just wanted to respond to you.<BR>Dont make any decisions now. Trust God, really trust him. That is what I am getting through my whole dilemma. Its natural to want to know what God is going to do, and why he is allowing this in your life. Remember he didnt bring this pain into your life he is only taking advantage of the circumstance to help you grow. The only thing he wants from us is our faith in him. Remember Job? Job greatest test was not the pain and suffering, but that he did not know what or why it was happening. Your greatest test is to trust Gods goodness. He is working in your W's life it takes time. You are basing your decisions with today you dont know tomorrow. Only choose divorce if its what you want. That seems to help me when I get discouraged with my situation I ask if I HAD a choice would I choose the divorce path? No way, I am not ready to give up. and I know God isnt giving up, remember he has wills to work with but he does change attitudes it says that in the bible. Ask God what he is trying to teach you and what he wants you to do while you are waitng on him.<BR>I am so sorry for your despair. I pray that you dont give up, its what you want and what is best for your children. I believe affairs die out. Love her as much as you can and be honest too, ask God to help you with the anger. I think it was one of my major destroyers to our marraige. I had a real temper. God has used the time apart to work on me and improve my ability to love another.<BR>We have dissimiliar situations, my H is living with OW and I am waitng for the relationship to die out. I dont want him home if she kicks him out I want him to want to come home. Yeah it may never happen but if it does God gave me a miracle.<BR>prayers to you and your family,<BR>jules

(((hugs)))