<P>Hello again good friends,<P>It's been one month since ex. decided she wanted to stay with OM. We have had no contact except for two weeks ago, when my counselor suggesetd I ask if she would take part in a joint session. Not to get back together, but to help me, work on me. (Ex. was not a good communicator, and there are many issues she had with us that I was not aware of)<P>I received a cold E-mail back saying she would think about it, talk to her counselor, and get back to me in a week. That was over two weeks ago and I have heard nothing. My counselor has even called her counselor and he has heard nothing.<P>I really thought I was ready to move to a Plan B, but her not even responding to this request is killing me. It just seems that I am trying to hold on to even the tiniest amount of hope.<P>My issue now is, should I call and ask what her decsion is? I kind of already know don't I?<P>If I call, I just feel like I am pushing her, which I don't want to do either.<P>I think he just wants to severe all ties.<P>Man, I was doing pretty well last week, because somehow I thought I would hear from her. I am now a mess again. Can't sleep, can't concentrate.<P>I knew if I asked her about counseling I would build myself up for another let down, i struggled with asking her. I just want to talk to her soo bad.<P>I just can't believe that after three years together, her wanting to get married 6 months ago (we never were), wanting to work on us and not throwing three years away (her words) 6 weeks ago, she can vanish off the face of the earth.<P>Should I wait to see if the OM thing runs it's course? Of course the longer apart we are, the closer she may be getting to the OM. I am dying inside.<P>Thanks for listening guys. <P> <P>

Jersey Joe, I'm kind of where you are right now. Trying to figure out how to move on. Unfortunately for me plan B will never work completely as we share 3 children and we are both very active in their lives and He still sleeps on the couch, treats me as if we're separated but gets the benefit of home life too. But enough about me I'm trying to help out here. I'm reading a book right now called 'Bouncing Back' by Joan Rivers and in it she has lots of advice - if you can get it and read it might help. In short, focus on you right now (sometimes I pretend he is coming back just to calm down) and do the things you'd like to do if your partner were to come back. Do small things for yourself, take each minute of the day and build on it. Write a list of the small things in your life to be thankful for - I've discovered that even though we're in a bad part of our lives right now we can be thankful for sunshine or snow if you like skiing or a warm house if you don't. I hope things work out for you. Chin up and know there are other people going through the same emotions and praying for you. Sadwife

It's been 4 weeks buddy. Sometimes it takes me that long to remember to do the laundry. It takes time. Lots longer than that. I wish there was a pill that could make it go faster, but there isn't.

Oh ya, but the best advice is probably "Gear up, and get out there!" Sitting around the house just makes it worse. Phone some friends and go do something. Every night if you have to. Cut the plug off your TV. That's my best advice.

JJ dont push, just hold off for a while...Plain A with no expatactions bit right now I am not one with much advice. I just wanted to let you know like you are for me I am here for you.<BR>Lesa <P>------------------<BR>"Trust in the Lord with all thine heart, and<BR> lean not unto thine own understanding." -Proverbs 3:5<BR>Take care and God Bless.<P> lms20ish@jobe.net

Ok guys,<P>Give me some credit. It is 1:30 on friday, heading into the wekend, and I have not called her.<P>I even focused long enough at lunch time to do my bills; now my house and car won't get repossesed. <P>Pretty good huh? I know, I know, baby steps. <P>

{{{{{{{JJ}}}}}}}}}}} I realized earlier this week how much I've let slip while I'm in the never-never land of "what will he do? will he get over this????".<BR>And my situation is not as bad (H at home-- well actually on a biz trip this week, but you know what I mean, trying to work on things, but sooooo obviously missing her)...so I am VERY PROUD of you for paying your bills.<BR>Passing on one thing that I learned this week...scanman posted that his therapist told him he needed to quit trying to be in control...asked him to think of a situation where he did not try to exert control. He thought of an airplane (this hit home for me, as I've always said I never worry on a plane bcs there is nothing I can do abt it). So, he told him to imaging he was on a plane. I realised this was a similar situation...I can be nice, supportive, no LB, Plan A...BUT I cannot influence whther or not H will fall out of love with his EA or back in love with me. I'm a passenger right now. That part of it is out of my control, and so there is NO POINT in wasting my energy worrying. As long as I can keep myself convinced of that (unfortunately, can't manage it all the time), I am much better. Hope this helps a teensy bit...<BR>Hugs--<BR>Kathi<BR>

JJ,<BR>I can't offer much advice only support. I'm in a rotten mood myself today. I messed up and called my H today and asked him to come to the house to go over the bills. He ended up yelling at me about nothing (as usual) and I LB'd a little bit. Nothing major to me, but it definately is to him. So now we have a major setback. Juat another dip in the roller coaster. (which sucks by the way).<P>Hang in there. Try not to call her. It seems like a lot of us are going thru down times right now. We'll get thru it somehow.<P>Prayers,<BR>Mitzi<BR>

Mitzi and Kam,<P>Thanks a lot,<P>It's hard to work on anything with no contact, but I wish I could.<P>Weekends are the roughest time. I've got a couple people trying to fix me up with friens, but I don't know.<P>It seems kind of unfair to the other person. How can I date someone when I am still in love with ex? <P>On the other hand, it sure seems like it has helped her.<P>Oh well, we all have to do what is right for us, and I personally don't think that will make my pain go away.<P>You guys are great, thanks again.<P>JJ

<P>Good Friends,<P>One other comment I forgot to make. I have been watching the number of posts since the new format. <P>Over 4,000 in three weeks. That's amazing!<P>If there is anything that I have learned through all of this is that any realtionship takes work! <P>Does anyone think there would be this many posts if we all worked as hard at our realtionships and marriages as we did at the office?<P>I know I was guilty of this big time. I bet all of you feel the same way.<P>Never, ever, again!

Hey, I'm feeling similar. My H hasn't really made up his mind about the OW. That's what's killing me. I am hoping that he is not spending the night with her tonight. I don't think he went to work last night, and don't know if he did tonight either. He's not answering his phone (of course I've got the line tied up now). I keep wondering if I should call, whether it's best or not. I can't really tell you, just that if you feel right about it, do it. Just don't be weak sounding.<P>Enough about me. I was in the middle of a reply to you earlier and was cut off while I looked for my password. <P>I was thinking that we should remember that they are suffering through a lot of guilt probably and that the OP is an easy way out. Remember that sin takes a powerful grip on people's lives...it's hard to see things straight when you are so wrapped up in sin. Maybe you can find consolation in knowing that it's probably not deliberate, just desperation - looking in the wrong place of course!<P>I just want you and all the others to know that I'll be praying for all of the betrayers to be able to break the chains of their sin/addictions, to be able to have hope of complete forgiveness and future happiness. I pray that they will have at least the smallest desire to do what's right and the courage to do it. I pray that God will send something into their lives to show them the way.<P>Then last but not least I will pray for you Joe and all of us betrayeds that we will be blessed with wisdom in our actions and words and that we will seek and find comfort in the things that will really bring it. Try to find the beauty in the world. We definetely need to be blessed with strength and courage. <P>And remember God is in control (like the airplane thing - that's a good one). Don't let the adversary take over your mind.<P>Everyone in here has some good advice, and I'm glad I found this place to learn, to vent, to just cry and babble on to each other sometimes. <P>Hang in there! <BR>

BelieveIn,<P>You know, even with zero contact with ex. It is still an emotional roller coaster. It really is unbelievable.<P>We have not spoken in a month except for my E-mail about counseling which has gone unanswered. I felt pretty good, thinking that by staying in this Plan B mode I would hear from her. It seems that happens to most people. <P>But four weeks into this and nothing. I am starting to give up what little hope I have, and it really is crushing. I need to get out of this house, but I can't bring myself to do it. I fell like I did the day of discovery. I can't stop crying. I just need to stop wallowing in this pain, but I swear part of me must need it somehow.<P>I thought I was doing OK, but I am thinking again about going on meds.<P>You know, a major part of our breakup was because I would not commit to marriage until after I knew I was losing her. I just figured I had plenty of time.<P>Now it is me that feels like I have no future. No wife and no babies in my future, and I am no kid.<P>Now I know how ex was feelng for so long. I feel like I pi**ed my whole life away.<P>Man, talk about regrets. I do not wish this pain on anyone. <BR>

To Jersey Joe,<P>Hang in there and be strong. Thats what I am trying to do. My H left me for OW on Xmas day. HE left our 3 daughters also. It was horrible. I found out of OW a week later, we were together ten years. ANd I had no clue this was coming. I am on Plan A, but it is killing me. I would like to Plan B but with the kids, I don't see how thats possible plus he wants MY kids to meet OW and her son. Her son has no father, and she stold my husband for herself and him. <P>I really like what Believe in Miracles said. I would like to think that its true. THat soon the betrayers will feel guilt. DO you believe that? I sure hope so. <P>I am considering medicine myself. I tried to do it on my own and I lost 17 pounds. Try and be positive and hang in there. You mentioned you still have roller coaster on Plan B?? I am really scared to do Plan B, but only on Plan A a few weeks, he almost came home twice, but the OW has some strange hold. <P>Be strong!!!

If your partner is not willing to help you work on you then you will have to do it for yourself. It will make you stronger because you will know that you are doing it for you and doing it yourself. You are the only one who can cange you, if you want to change.<P>I'm still on a rollercoaster of emotions (hence the name......)but not ready to jump off yet, still barreling around the corners and holding on for dear life during the dips. I think you should speak with your counselor or dr. about meds to help you make it through these times right now. I know I've thought about it many times, and sometimes wish I had gone thru with asking my counselor about it. <P>Plan B is about working on you. Please remember that we are here for you, as you are here for us.

Thanks guys for the support,<P>I feel like such a baby today.<P>I don't know why but today is the worst yet. And I have had some many good days.<P>I had to take ex's christmas presents back today. One was a pretty expesenive piece of electronics, and most stores won't take them back after 30 days. I told the guy it was for my wife who past away. Then I started crying. It really was not a lie, the person I knew has past away.<P>It is so hard to know if I can even go back to plan A. We were never married and are living apart. There is no reason to talk if she dosen't want to, so how can I even try to go back to A?<P>I think I will talk to Harley on Monday and ask. Does anyone know why on the MB he is referred to as Steve, but his books refer to him as Willard? <P>I am only in B because she really does not want to talk about anything. To her its over and she is moving on. (I guess, she is such a bad communicator, the only thing she said on the phone is that things were not working out. When I asked what things, she said she could not put her finger on it.) Great way to end a realtionship huh?<P>Anyway, thanks for listening. I am considering meds, but I am worry about trying to get off of them once I start. Why would you ever want to give up something like that?<P>I just bought some Sam-E, I don't know if you have heard of it, but its is a supplement that is suppose to work for depression. Pretty expense, $25.00 for a 10 day supply.<P>

Is that over the counter medicine? I never heard of it. Someone told me to try St Johns Wort or something but I haven't yet. <P>Taking back the presents is a sure way to relive the nightmare. I had to take all H's presents back too. A few days later, he asked where they were (while living with OW) and was furious. <P>Don't feel bad about your emotions, listen to them. You are not in any way "a baby" or anything at all bad because you are in pain. At least you are facing your problems and fears head on. I feel betrayers take the easy road out (like my H) and do what feels best to THEM and what is easiest at that moment. Its selfish. To deal with what scares you in life, and to face it head on, is a wonderful attribute to have. And you do. Be strong. Let me know how those meds work!!!!<BR>

JJ,<BR>No you're not a baby!! You are a human being. Just because you are a man doesn't mean you can't feel really strong emotions. I wish my H had been able to. Maybe I wouldn't be in this shape now.<P>I've heard of the sam-e but don't know of anyone who's ever tried it. (except celebrities, are you a famous guy Joe??? Just a little humor there!) <P>It honestly does get easier. My down times are fewer now. And I thought I'd never get this far. You will too! We all will make it no matter what the outcome is. Even though you weren't married that doesn't make your pain any less. <P>So, keep your chin up, shoulders back and be proud of who you are and who you are becoming. You are learning so much!<P>Prayers,<BR>Mitzi<BR>

Joe,<P>sometimes I feel like I'm living in a nightmare, but I have gotten stronger. The best thing is that I have improved myself!! I know that I am: a good Mom, a good employee, a good friend, good at whatever I want to excel at. My self esteem has certainly suffered, but I'm working on it. Try reading Celebrate Yourself by Dorothy Corkille Briggs. I didn't feel that all of it was for me, but some things definitely rang true.<P>You have been such a friendly force here on the forum - that's a GOOD thing. Be proud of yourself!