David, to be so young again and have the exposure to all this great material rather than have our marriage die the way it did and 2 precious children hanging in the balance. But we are coming back.<P>I relate well to being a very bright, something of a geek, the only female in the chess club, etc. I also relate to feeling bad that my h had been with so many women, even very much in love with a live-in before we met. I got over it with time, but it may have been part of the reason I held back, rather than blowing up as you did.<P>I THINK IT IS IN YOUR HANDS TO MAKE OR BREAK THIS RELATIONSHIP. It sounds like you have a very supportive wife. And believe me the pain of the women he had before marriage is NOTHING compared to the pain of two affairs behind my back, each lasting several months. Read Harley's books. You have the opportunity to build an affair proof marriage by truly meeting each other's needs, and avoid the mess the rest of us are in.<P>If you choose not to, you' ll always remember the warnings you had, and yes no hitting, or other bad treatment. Treat her like a precious gift.

Ok, u all got one side of the story. Now lets look at the other side ( some of you will think its the same side )<P>This is how a typical day of ours is : I get up at 8 , make tea for both of us, get dressed to go to work, go to work, work till 11, spend 2 hours with her at lunch, work from 1 to 6 and spend the evening with her. For lunch and dinner, usually we go out, or sometimes we cook together. <P>She gets up at around 10 , checks her e-mails before 11, then post lunch chats with her family and friends on internet, and occasionally does the laundry and the bills (with lots of mistakes). She cant drive, she cant do groceries or anything, we go together for that.<P>She smokes, boozes, does not mind taking off her clothes in public.<P>But she lacks confidence, does not talk, and is an introvert, so I have got cut-off from my social circle. She is not ambitious and hence not motivated and dedicated to work or earn or reach anywhere.<P>So I get a feeling that I always had to work hard to reach where I have reached today and even now, I have to work hard to build this relationship, whereas she always was careless and can continue to be that.<P>These are the three things I had overlooked - presentability, ambition and beauty - while choosing her , because I assumed that she has had no relationship in the past.<P>But what did I get in return - nothing ?<P>I will save the relationship, I will be what I should be. But somewhere within, there is a feeling of emptiness now, which will always be there.<BR>

I don't see where one has anything to do with the other. Harley points out that there is a real need for an attractive spouse (seems that would encompass all 3 things you mentioned), and her part would be to work on becoming that. In the long run, that would become a problem, whether or not she were a virgin...<P>Harley's basic premise is that romantic love follows from meeting each other's needs. If you are both willing, you can replace that emptiness. Believe me, life only gets harder: few of us have to leisure to lunch with our spouses, then there are kids, aging in-laws, etc. etc. etc. If you want to do something good for yourself, take care of your marriage now while your life is simpler. I think I wanted to write to you in the hope that one person here could avoid the pain the rest of us have faced. And being ambitious is not without its problems.

schizzo, i think u said it.<P>thats my problem. My life is simpler right now. I wanted to have it that way. I wanted this to be the best time of my life. I had allocated the next couple of years for just enjoying, travelling, having plenty of fun, and I am having that, but a feeling inside is missing. I go for a helicopter ride with my wife, and I get a thought about her past and it ruins all the good moments.<P>As far as the attractiveness part is concerned, she is above average, and we are willing to work on most of the other things. And I cant really be expecting a Cindy Crawford anyways. So that part is covered. <P>The issue is how to get over the "regret" of me not having had a relatinship in the past. I guess time will change that. Right now, we haven't had many sweet memories, but we are building them everyday. I guess things will be different soon.<P>

I guess people are tired of this thread.... hence no replies......or may be its not interesting enough..... but I am having problems and lots of them....here's a short list....<P>1. When I put my head in my wife's lap and she rolls her hands in my hair, I get a thought that she has done this for 3 long years with someone else, and now its me. And the same happens when she is my lap<P>2. When I try any kind of foreplay with her, fondling with her breasts, I get a picture of someone else doing it and I just pull back my hands. At times, she herself stops me from doing it, saying that it tingles , and I get a thought that she has had enough of such fondling, so now it does not feel so good. Earlier, before I had known stuff about her past, I used to get turned on by touching her breasts even through her dress, but now even if I pinch her nipples, I just dont feel anything.<P>3. I was always looking forward to a great person in my life whom I would always love, but I just dont feel like that anymore. I occasionally get a thought that someday we will have kids, and I am looking forward to them in my life. But thats not what I ever wanted. I wanted my wife ( my soulmate ) to be my first priority in life, but she's not.<P>4. Divorce is not an option for us, we will drag on for life together, so we have no other option but to make up. And that feels like accepting defeat. We need to work on our relationship, but its just not happening.<P>5. Romantic candles, soft music, eye-contact etc. as suggested by someone is not working too. <P>6. I dont know how much of my emotional needs are satisfied by her. Recreational companionship(8 out of 10), Conversation (0 out of 10),sexual fulfilment ( seems to be very low - i used to masturbate for hours everyday before marriage, but now we make love for just an hour daily, we used to do it all day on weekends and evenings in the first three months, but not anymore). Admiration ( very low, she says I am a nice person and thats it, she doesnt feel I am extraordinary, mebbe that hurts my ego ).Honesty and Openness (10 out of 10). Affection ( actual is 9 but feels like 5 )<BR>Domestic support (jumped from 0 to 5 out of 10 in 3 months), Financial support (0 of coz, and I think i need that, if u talk about equality for men and women, why should I work my [censored] off while she relaxes in the winter breeze) <P>7. Everytime a thought about her past disturbs me, I get pulled back from kissing, hugging her and she realises whats going on in my mind, and i also tell her that. I guess this is only hurting our relationship.<P>8. Another strange thing, I dont feel too bad about her having made love 7-8 times with him, but feel more hurt that he used to fondle with her breasts all day for an year and they used to kiss and hug all day for 3 years.<P>9. I am suffering from so much withdrawal right now. I am hardly able to concentrate on work, bcoz the thought of her past keeps haunting me. I dont feel like fulfilling any of my dreams, cuz they seem so meaningless. I seem to have lost faith in every good thing in the world. I feel like a machine with no feelings at all, but just a bunch of swithces all over.

David,<BR>I have nothing more to add to what I have in the past other than - I think that you need professional help on this one. You are reading but not hearing any of the good things people here are telling you.<P>You also seem to be at odds over the source of your discontent. While the focus is usually on overcoming the thoughts of your wife's past, you also recently posted that <P>"The issue is how to get over the "regret" of me not having had a relatinship in the past"<P>This is more in keeping with your kindergarten tit for tat, an eye for an eye line of thinking. Again, it's a damn good thing that your wife is not focussing on YOUR stupid and childish behaviour SINCE you got married or else she would probably disagree with your "divorce is not an option but an absolute possibility". You will get nowhere until you learn to live in the here and now. If divorce is NOT an option - then making LIVING TOGETHER HAPPILY an option.<P>Please offer my condolences to your wife. No one should have to endure this kind of bull**** (sorry guys, something wouldn't let me block it out).<P>The people who come here are here seeking help and offering it in kind. I credit the betrayers and those who have wronged others (includes the humbled and enlighted betrayeds) with the good sense to learn from their mistakes and be willing to make an honest go of it - to humble themselves and allow others to help guide them down their path to happiness.<P>I do not see any willingness on your part to do this. HAVE YOU READ ANY OF THE MB WEBSITE? HAVE YOU EVEN TRIED TO MOVE FORWARD .....HONESTLY? You seem to want us to tell you that it is ok to live in the past and to tell you how awful it must be for you to have to endure such a horrible relationship. Won't happen from me. <P>My voice of reaction: UGGGGGGGGGGGGGH!<P>My voice of reason: Good luck

David,<P>I strongly agree with Lisa- <B>you need professional help if you can't get rid of the past by yourself</B>. All your insecurities are showing and this can be a good opportunity to get rid of all those <B>armors</B> that you have put around you and that are stopping you from loving & enjoying life fully <B>(but Lisa… you HAVE BEEN judgmental…)</B><P> <BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR><BR><B>4. Divorce is not an option for us, we will drag on for life together, so we have no other option but to make up. And that feels like accepting defeat. We need to work on our relationship, but its just not happening.</B><BR><HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P><B>What???</B> I don't get this one. Divorce is an option for anyone who decides to end a marriage. If what you mean is that you have decided to work on yours then so be it, but if you mean that isn't an option for cultural/religious/family reasons, then you are acting against your statement that you have chosen a western way of life/thinking rather that that of your ancestors. <B>unless</B> there are reasons that you rather not disclose.<P><B>DAVID: READ ALL THE MATERIAL IN THIS WEB SITE; BUY THE BOOKS, POST, REPLY AND ABOVE ALL, SEEK PROFESSIONAL HELP: IT'S WORTH IT. YOU ARE THE CENTER OF YOUR UNIVERSE, YOU MUST BE WELL IF YOU WANT THE REST OF THAT UNIVERSE TO BE FINE. WITH OR WITHOUT YOUR WIFE YOU MUST TRY TO HEAL!!!</B><P>ALEX<p>[This message has been edited by ThisAlex (edited February 12, 2000).]

ThisAlex and Lisa,<P>I know you think I am incorrigible. Hey, at least pat my back that I am trying...and trying real hard. I know my life is much more simpler than many out here, and I seem to be cribbing so much. But I was always brought up as a pampered prince. And hence this attitude of mine.<P>The weekend was wonderful. I took her for a dinner cruise which was a surprise for her. We wore the same traditional dress we wore for our engagement. Then we went for a dance.<BR>And then escaped to a small resort to spend the night. I had the room full of roses, chocolates and greeting cards and teddy bears which she likes. We spent the night in a jacuzzi having champagne. And this time we made love for 8 to 9 times. Probably the most so far. And there were no thoughts of her past whatsoever. We watched a movie - 9 1/2 weeks....not very romantic but she liked it.....all night we were in each others arms, then in the morning we had a nice cozy breakfast... I made her tea and everything...then we played basketball for a while ( both of us were playing for the first time :-)....then she drove OUR car ( a few weeks back i had told her, not to touch my car, or sit on the front seat with me, so when I asked her to drive the car, she almost had tears in her eyes , bcoz the whole thing was anyway such a big surprise for her ) .... and then we went for go-carting, batting, and in the evening went for roller-blading, came home , cooked together........and made love several times ........this time i didnt count.......<P>and today, i came to office, only to see that my mailbox is full of atleast 10 e-greetings from her.......<P>i am just planning to take flowers for her for lunch.......<P>thanks to all of you........especially alex, and also lisa and one more person who reprimanded me earlier.......i guess i needed this spanking........<P>but things are looking brighter now......<P>Happy Valentine's day to all of you...:-)<P>