Most of what I read here contains advice for the betrayed spouse to try to "win back" the one who strayed. My story is different. I had a relationship (3-4 months) with the OW via chat rooms and e-mail. We never met or talked on the phone. When my W discovered the relationship, I ended it immediately. I never intended to leave my wife or children, and I recognize that in some ways, I left emotionally during this relationship. The problem is that my W refuses to attempt reconciliation. She says that I'm a bad risk, so she is "safer" to close herself off emotionally. It isn't healthy for any of us, but I don't know what to do. I have apologized and asked for forgiveness. I recognize that what I did was selfish, hurtful and wrong. I have been attending counseling regularly, and I'm being as open and honest as I know how to be. At one point, my W committed to following Harley's plan for six months, and I enthusiastically agreed. She lasted four days before she started shutting me out again. She says she would like to divorce me, but she knows that would be too tough for our children. Short of that, she thinks her best bet is to try to live together as "roommates" in a loveless relationship. It makes no sense to me at all. Any insight or advice would be appreciated.

Justhangingon, You know, this site was created for both the betrayed as well as the betrayers. It's a place where we both can meet and exchange thoughts or feelings that are difficult for us to deal with in other ways. I will talk with the betrayer as well as the betrayed because it helps me to understand why........YOU are welcome here as well as anyone!<BR>Now, baby steps, baby steps. Ok, she only wants to live together as roommates which kinda tells me she's just not really sure that things can't work out. She must really be hurt and you know this. Plan A can be put into action even if your not together your better than some, your still living in the same place. It's going to take awhile to refill those love banks. It really hurts and I would suggest reading more of Dr. Harley's stuff. Also "After The Affair" is an excellent book that makes both of you stop and think about simple little things that you probably didn't realize lead up to the affair. You don't just decide to have an affair after making a vow of fidelity in marriage, it took time to get to this point and it will take time to work your way out of it! <BR>I hope this helps. Remember, it could be worse. She could be shutting the door completely and saying no way to working things out. You are still in the house and though things may be strained right now I would keep doing the Plan A, take the counselling if for nothing more than to be able to communicate with the other parent (that works, your looking out for the best interests of the children as well!), and keep reading. Remember, everyone here at this site will help you vent, answer questions, and support you as best as they can. God Bless!<P>------------------<BR>Chick's <BR>Bren<P>You won't see things until your ready to not be blind!

You might find the book "After the Affair" by (forgot her first name) Spring helpful too...

Welcome <B>justhangingon</B>...<P>This site is for you(as a wayward) too!!! ...<P>I have a post of general welcome post I wish to share with you... <P>It has a lot of quick links to many of the <B>most</B> important MB sites...<BR>Click here ==> <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/forum/Forum29/HTML/000002.html" TARGET=_blank>General Welcome for All New Builders(Newbies)</A><P>For some clarity... a short time ago the "main" forum was divided into 4 separate "sub" forums...<BR>Staying in the <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/cgi-bin/cgiwrap/marriage/forumdisplay.cgi?action=topics&forum=General+Questions&number=28&DaysPrune=10&LastLogin=" TARGET=_blank>General Questions</A> forum will give you the most responses! <P>Check out the <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/forum/Forum29/HTML/000025.html" TARGET=_blank>Books</A> post for a decent list of <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/forum/Forum29/HTML/000025.html" TARGET=_blank>Books</A>.<P>Jim

Justhangingoon,<P>I can relate to your W comments about being safe. I feel the say way about my H. He too has appologized again and again. I am clear on the fact that he feels bad but I have to admit when he tells me "I do love you" I think, "Yeah sure you do, you just had an affair". What I am trying to say is that actions speak louder than words.<P>What I really want to know is that he loves me with the same intensity he used to. Here's the catch. Since he lied to me about his relationship with OW, I am afraid to believe a thing he says!!! <P>Since you too may have lost some credibility in her eyes (sorry) maybe you should do things to show her how you feel. I can't tell you what your W likes or what she will respond to but I would advise you to go slow. Send her a card, clean up the house, cook her a nice dinner. Put on her favorite record and just talk. Do something you used to do when you dated to jog her memory of your early days together. <P>Do small things like that and back them up with "I love you" and she is more likley to think you mean it. Once she begins to believe you are for real, she can begin to feel safe again and can allow herself to be vunerable to you again.<P>The key thing here is that this will take time. If you keep doing this she may begin to thaw. I agree with Chick's. If she really thought there was no hope, she would have left. I would guess that she still does hope to work it out deep down but she is afraid to admit it - since it makes her vunerable again to someone who hurt her (sorry again).<P>I really hope this works out for you and I am happy for your viewpoint. Please post often and feel welcome. <P>Acacia<BR>

justhanginon,<P>As everyone has said, weare all here for you. Pleasetake NSR's advice, he is the guru of the MB forum.<P>As a betrayed, let me tell you I felt the same way your wife feels, for about day. There are reasons you strayed, you know it, and she knows it. It is just easier for her to put all the blame on you right now. <P>You don't mention how long it has been since discovery, but I asume it has not been that long.<P>She will come around. Talk to her, tell her what you feel has been missing, work on things,post , post, post.<P>We are all here for you. <BR>

Thanks, all, for your replies. No one needs to apologize for pointing out that what I did was hurtful or caused me to lose credibility or anything like that. I understand that, and I'm not defensive about it. <P>Someone asked about discovery. My W discovered the e-mail relationship, and I ended it the last week in September. <P>Since I made my post on Friday, she has assured me that this is going to end in divorce. The question is timing. If we didn't have children, she would have pulled the trigger already. We have major concerns about the emotional health of our almost-eight-year-old daughter.<P>It will be tough to meet her Emotional Needs right now. She has put me on notice that I am not to touch her and that I'm only to talk to her on an "as needed" basis. <P>Someone pointed out that what I did is usually symptomatic of other problems, and that is certainly true in our case. My W says her anger has been building for years because she feels emotionally abandoned by me. At the same time, I probably have tended to withdraw because I never felt that I could live up to her expectations in a satisfactory way. It makes for a difficult cycle, as you can see.<P>I'm not really sure what to do right now. Her anger is still running pretty hot, and she is treating me so badly that her threats to divorce me are not always so threatening. For the moment, I'll do the best I can and just keep hanging on. Thanks, again.

Your wife sounds like a control freak. If she's afraid of you withdrawing from her, she sure is going about things the wrong way by threatening you with a divorce. It is amazing what is called an affair. I agree that internet relationships can resemble an affair if the spouse is emotionally neglected for long enough. 3-4 months? Puleeze. I'd be sorely tempted to believe you deserve to be divorced over this. This is ridiculous.<P>I'm sure you feel sorry for keeping this relationship from your wife, and I do encourage both of you to be more honest in the future. It is good that things did not progress beyond the point that it did. However, I think your wife is pumping it way, way beyond reason. She's probably getting some good mileage out of this. I bet there is hell to pay for putting the spoons the wrong way up in dishwasher or throwing your dirty clothes on the floor. It sounds to me like she is just using it as an excuse because she probably wanted a divorce even before you had this internet relationship. Apologize for what you did, make sure you are honest with her, but don't let her beat you down. If she threatens you with a divorce again, don't plead, don't cry, just say "well, I'll be very, very hurt if you decide that, but you'll have to do what you think is best" and leave it at that. <p>[This message has been edited by TheStudent (edited February 07, 2000).]

JHO,<P>Let me also welcome you to MB forum. I am in similar shoes. I'm the betrayer AND I'm the one trying to save my marriage. (you might do a search both here and in the archives of my posts, I think you might find them helpful.)<P>Let me also tell you to take baby steps. Frankly, the fact that she IS angry is a GOOD sign, you should be glad of that. The opposite of love is not hate, but indifference. Meet her emotional needs that you can. It sounds like your D will be a topic of discussion that will give you opportunities to meet those needs, (family ties, security etc).<P>Here's one word in my stongest tone, okay 2 words.. Don't push!<P>Let her have her space to process her feelings and thoughts, if you push or pry, it will alienate her farther. Next, stop apologizing, ask her for her forgiveness and let her know that you will wait patiently for her to get there, it won't happen quickly.<BR>You might try, at some point, and gently, to get her to agree to talk with the Harley's to help her sort out her feelings.<P>God be with you,<P>Repenting<P>------------------<BR>Fear God and you will have nothing else to fear<P>Hosea 3