I am a 38 year old female married almost 16 years with children. Starting about three years ago, I put my youngest child into school for a full day. It had been 10 years since I had not had a child at home during the day. I had so much time on my hands I didn't know what to do or think. Someone suggested to me that it was now time to do for myself. I realized that they were right, for I had been Mother and Wife for the previous 13 years. Never thinking of myself as an individual. Never going anywhere by myself. I had never done anything without my H for the previous 13 years alone, that is other than go to the grocery store. Granted, I had always been invited, but always felt so much guilt even considering going away with my sister or a friend was more than I could deal with. My husband, however, had a few get-a-ways out with his friends on over nighters or more. I never complained. It never bothered me really except for the fact that I was home alone and nervous about it. He also never told me I could not go. I need to tell you about my husband and my situation at the time I had realized I had time for myself. I was constantly being blamed by him for everything that went wrong in the household etc, criticized, yelled at and he never noticed what I did for him with the children and the home. However, he did notice the things that didn't happen to get done. I was at the point where I just held it in and didn't even show emotion about it anymore. I was depressed and felt like nothing. I had no self esteem what so ever. After so many years, I had just sucked it up and took it. I couldn't even find the energy to cry over it anymore. Accepting that I was to blame for everything. Anyway, suddenly, I was placed in the situation where I had plenty of time on my hands and nothing to do. I met many friends on line. Many good women friends and a few male friends that I got to know also, as friends. After about seven months, I became very close to one of the male friends on line and purchased some merchandise from a store that he owned locally. That was the first time we had met personally. After he saw me, he started sending me e-mail telling me how attractive he found me, etc. It felt good to be noticed by someone... to not be criticized and yelled at. I felt special and attractive. It escalated, and we began an affair. It lasted for about 5 months. It ended up being disasterous, with me being hurt and feeling guilty as this was the first time I had ever done something like this in my entire marriage. It brought to to a point where I was so distraught that I began drinking.. HEAVILY! I did this to block out the feelings of guilt I was having and to hide from everything. Things continued to get worse for me at home. I became the wife and mother that went away. A nutty woman had taken her place. Needless to say, the marriage began to deteriorate. I had no one to talk with about my situation. I was ashamed by what I had done. Then can a new problem and solution. I became close friends with another man that I had been talking to during the same time period. He was divorced, but wanted to make things right again and get back with his wife and family. We supported each other with suggestions and cried on each others shoulders. 7 months later,I realized that I had very deep feelings for this man. Feelings of love and we discussed it and he told me he felt the same way. We met for the first time and then we began a physical relationship. I can't possibly be breif with this. I apologize.. It has now been almost two years that I have known him and one year and 3 months that we have been intimate. He pulled me out of the drinking. Made me feel good about myself again. I know it isn't right, but I love him dearly and am so confused right now. I love my husband also, but I get something from this man that my husband doesn't give me. I am at a crossroads, where my lover is going to focus on getting his X back and I am feeling so alone and hurt. I don't expect you to understand unless you have been there. I do expect a lot of criticism, but I am hoping for responses from people who have been there and can help me deal with this situation. I apologize again for not being breif. There are many details, if anyone cares to know, I would be happy to answer any questions. Thanks...<p>[This message has been edited by Lacee (edited December 01, 1999).]

I am a betrayed spouse so I am speaking from that point of view. Although it hurt me more than words can ever say, I am so relieved my husband told me about his affair. There were so many things that I noticed in the week leading up to his telling me that I felt like I was going to go crazy. I knew there was something, but what? I will tell you the first thing I said when he told me they were intimate"You need to leave now, I don't want anything to do with you ever again". That was my initial reaction, but my love for him and my desire to make our marriage work brought me here. Honesty is the first step. It is so important in the healing proccess. You should tell your husband, because if you don't the rest of your marriage will be based on a lie. I hope that this doesn't sound too harsh, it is just what I feel and I think you will find that the betrayers on this forum feel the same way too. <P>God bless and take care<P>------------------<BR>Love and Prayers<BR>Nicole<BR>

Welcome <B>Lacee</B> to the Marriage Builders - Infidelity Forum.<P>The people here represent both betrayed spouses and betrayers alike and the occasional Other Woman/Man/Person (OP/OW/OM).<BR><B>All</B> of us are really here to try and build or rebuild our marriages... and we are trying to use principles and concepts that are espoused by Dr. Willard Harley of Marriage Builders(MB).<P>Before the rest of my normal welcome (I'm known as the welcome wagon here)...<BR><B>You are not alone</B>!!!!!!!<BR>As a wayward(betrayer) and OW... be aware again of the purpose of this site... <B>to build marriages</B>!<P>BTW... My wife is the same age as you... while I was reading your post... I though for a moment my wife was writing it... (I am a betrayed.)<P>There is a wealth of information here at this site, starting from the <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/" TARGET=_blank>Marriage Builder's Home Page</A>.<P>If you're new to the ideas being presented here at MB start off with <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi3000_intro.html" TARGET=_blank>Dr. Harley's Basic Concepts</A><P>Many of us need to start immediately working on our marriages and a <B>sound</B> understanding of <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi8113_ab.html" TARGET=_blank>Plan A and Plan B</A> is crucial! Where you are at will take alot of understanding!!!<P>You'll see a barrage of "terms" which you might guess the meaning of... but an alternative is to look up what they mean at this site... Words like (click on them to find out):<BR><A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi3400_lovebust.html" TARGET=_blank>Love Busters</A>, <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi3200_love.html" TARGET=_blank>Love Bank</A>, <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi3300_needs.html" TARGET=_blank>Emotional Needs</A>, <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi3550_give.html" TARGET=_blank>Giver and Taker</A>, <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi3500_policy.html" TARGET=_blank>The Policy of Joint Agreement(POJA)</A>.<P>You'll need to learn more about, not just marriage building... but self building too! The learning isn't going to happen overnight though... look at the <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi8100_article.html" TARGET=_blank>Articles</A> and <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi5525_qa.html" TARGET=_blank>Infidelity Q&A</A>.<BR>The real learning is best aided by obtaining some of the books from the <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi6000_bookstore.html" TARGET=_blank>MB Bookstore</A>... of most important for those who have affairs in progress(betrayed/betrayer/OP), or soon to be, is <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi6070_sa.html" TARGET=_blank>"Surviving An Affair"</A> by Dr. Willard Harley. <B>This is the 'bible' for this forum.</B><BR>Other books can be very useful as well... like <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi6020_needs.html" TARGET=_blank>"His Needs, Her Needs"</A> and <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi6030_love.html" TARGET=_blank>"Love Busters"</A>.<BR>There will be many other good books that the MB people will recommend... take their advice... they've been around.<P>Most of all... you will find <B>compassion</B> and <B>love</B> here. No judging... no demeaning... no malice here!<BR>(True for everyone... waywards... OPs... betrayed!!!)<BR>The people here have all had their lives thrown into a whirlwind of despair, confusion, and sadness.<BR>We've all experience gut wrenching emotions that we though could never exist, in anyone's idea of humanity.<BR>Feelings of hatred, love, disillusionment, envy, rejection, emptiness, <B>deep depression</B>, and on and on...<P>Just the books and facts aren't going to get you through it all... not without <B>support</B>. That's where <B>we</B> come in! <B>We</B> care... because <B>we</B> know how it feels. Believe it... <B>You are <I>not</I> alone</B>! <BR>Come to this forum to vent... to cry... to laugh (a little)... to express your feelings... to advise others... or just to get away!<BR>Your probably going through H*!! right now... don't go it alone... remember... <B>you are <I>not</I> alone</B>! <P>Don't think your situation is unusal... It isn't. Just hard!<P>We strive to give you help... to build back many vital aspects of your life and sanity. <P>Post... Post... Post... Reply... Reply... Reply... READ! READ! READ!<P>I've been speaking in behalf of some dear friends... as well as some complete strangers too..., when I've used <B>"we"</B>!<BR>But... if you're here... join in with them... they <B>will</B> join in with you. <P>Jim<BR>---------------------------------<BR>Where two or more are gathered...<p>[This message has been edited by NSR (edited November 30, 1999).]

Thank you for your support and suggestions. Yes, I do believe that I came here to get some support and help with my dilema and try to gain some courage as to what to do to get my marriage back in order. I do love my H. I know he loves me. I also know that I have caused him great alarm in the changes he has witnessed in me. We have had many discussions about the things we each feel we are lacking in the marriage. And try to come up with solutions. However, I am greatly concerned about telling him of my affair. This, no doubt, would cause him to leave me. We have had the discussion before as to what would happen "If" and the only time he ever became physically harmful to me, was a night that I went with some girlfriends and came home a bit tipsy. He automatically assumed that I had been with someone that night. And NO.... I had not! I don't know that he would ever get physical with me again. It hurt him more than it did me. I am just scared of losing him. I feel... pretty much alone right now. But I appreciate and thank you for your suggestions and thoughts...they are very welcome...

Welcome! From reading your post- i think you and him might do well to visit <A HREF="http://www.drirene.com" TARGET=_blank>www.drirene.com</A> as well.<BR>We're glad you're here. <BR>stick around

Lacee,<P>If you have fears of him exploding if you tell him about the affair... start a counseling session with him... and get the counselor to bring it up... a few sessions later...<P>Counseling for self and with spouses is highly encouraged here.<P>Jim

Lacee,<P>I will tell you something. Before my husbands affair, if the subject of an affair ever came up I always said that is something I would NEVER EVER forgive or even try to work past. Now I look at me and see myself actually doing something I never thought I would do in a million years-trying to forgive and work past an affair. Don't underestimate your husband and his love for you. <P>------------------<BR>Love and Prayers<BR>Nicole<BR>

Hi Lacee and Welcome....<P>I am sorry that you have had to go through such hard times, but I think that it's time to straighten this whole stressful business out....I am glad that you see that too, and have come here to hopefully do just that!!!<P>The first step is to make a clean break with this OM...look at that situation - over a year ago, he is working on getting back with wife, right? Well, here he is all this time later and how much has he accomplished with that goal?<BR>Nothing because he is not working on it and has instead been working on you!!!<P>And what about your situation? During that same time - you have just avoided your home situation and making that better. So you haven't worked on things either!!<P>So I hope that shows you the need to let go of the OM and his need to let go of you - you both accomplished no movement in your real lives.....<P>It's definitely time for counseling for you and your H.....you have to have him understand all the feelings his actions caused you through the years and then he might be able to handle with compassion the affairs that you had. Don't attempt this on your own....you need a GOOD professional to accomplish this.<P>You have a very good start in that you both love each other and are trying to talk and find solutions, etc. But, HONESTY is the number one thing needed to have a good relationship...Better communication is right there with it!!<P>You suppressed both for a long time...and your H (although apparently able to express himself) did it in an uncaring and thoughtless manner.<P>You both have to recognize that and learn different ways....this site can help and will enhance any counseling that you have. Calling Harley might be a very good idea for you.....<P>Having affairs is not the best choice in the world....you know that!!! Time to stop causing more stress in your lives than there already is!!! Then you'll have the brainroom for your H and yourself!!!!<P>HUGS,<P>Sheba

Thank you all so much, again! I am begining to feel as if there may be some hope after all. Sigh... So much work yet to do. But I will go, one step at a time... God help me... for I am scared. <BR>Thanks again...