Last night Arik called at about 1:00. He was crying and very upset. The turmoil inside him is so great and he doesn't know what to do. He feels like he is on the edge of a very steep cliff with nowhere to go but down. I realize that this is probably part of his withdrawal, but iit is so hard for me to see him like this when I can't do anything to fix it. I love him and don,t want to see him in pain.<P>------------------<BR>Love and Prayers<BR>Nicole<BR>

Nicole:<P>Loving him is about all you can do... withdrawal was the hardest thing I have ever been through. But looking back on it from this side, hurting my W during it was worse.<P>Aric is, unfortunately, going to have to realize on his own what a bonehead he’s being. He may (and probably will) slip up. He may even leave you before he wises up as to what he’s got. I hope not, but like any addict, he may have to hit rock bottom, losing his family, job, and everything he holds dear in the process.<P>I’ll tell you something though... I don’t know if knowing this makes it any easier, but he <B>IS</B> insane right now. Time will help, but until he cuts ALL contact, I don’t see much hope. Unfortunately, it looks like he is not capable of having even business contact with her at this point without it degenerating into more secrets and lies from you.<P>You need to be strong, and continue your Plan A behaviors. He knows what he is doing is wrong, but simply isn’t strong enough at this time to pull himself out of the pit of despair he’s dug himself into. You need to be that strength for you both. I know you are more than capable of doing that... <P>------------------<BR>Resentment is like taking poison and waiting for the other person to die<p>[This message has been edited by WhoDat (edited November 30, 1999).]

Nicole,<BR>I so feel for you.<P>You are right that you can't take away his pain or fix the situation...and that is hard to swallow when you are so ready and willing to help. <P>You can't take away his pain and he can not take away yours.<P>You can set the stage for recovery. You can grow and learn on your own journey to healing. And you are doing those things.<P>The rest is up to your H. I think he is taking advantage of your kind and good nature...just as he probibly has taken you for granted for a long time. He may not mean to, but he is so wrapped up in himself, he can't seem to break past his intentions and actually act on them.<P>Trust this, you are being a wonderful wife. You are honoring your vows and even going further. Don't doubt yourself.<P>------------------<BR>Faith, Hope, Love Remain,<BR>but the greatest of these is Love.<BR>1 Corinthians 13:13

Well, I can't say how happy I am to hear how miserable he is. Wait, lemmee rephrase that...<BR>Coming to grips with what I did to my wife led to some massive pain. Pain that opened my eyes to a lot of things I really needed to see. The pain, and the acceptance of it have led to some fundemental and profound changes in my life.<BR>I believe that it is an integral part of recovery, from the betrayers side, that is. He has earned this pain and it is a sign that there is something there to save.<BR>With the acceptance of the pain, comes a willingness to do something to change it. If you try to soothe that pain, you will be undermining the fundemental mechanism of change for Arik. <BR>The pain will fade a bit as he begins his life with you anew, and as he becomes the kind of person he knows you deserve to have as a husband. In my experience (so far 2 months), there will still be flashes of shame that can at times be physically painful, but if he knows in his heart that he is on the right path, these will be accepted for what they are - shame of past actions, which is a lot different than shame in one's self.<BR>I'm not saying to aggravate his pain, or promote it, but let him experience these feelings- if you try to soothe him by telling him everything is alright, not only will you be lying to him, but also giving him an excuse not to face the emotional consequences of betraying his own integrity...<BR>Anyway, the pain is a good sign, I hope he uses it to his advantage.<BR>Deut

Part of his turmoil is a minute by minute battle within himself of where he should be. It is so hard for me to hear him say that.<BR>I know that in some respects it's the withdrawal speaking but it doesn't make it any easier to hear.<BR>Keep him in yours prayers that he can remain focussed on the task ahead at least for the most part.<P>------------------<BR>Love and Prayers<BR>Nicole<BR>

Patient Love,<BR>I understand if you don't want to share, or if you just don't feel like it, but what contributing factors could be involved in this affair.<P>I was completely ready to take 50% of the blame for the vunerability, but none of the blame for the actual affair, since I had no control over his decisions or actions.<P>When he admitted the affair, the first thing out of his mouth was that he has always had questions about our marriage. Huh? I was thinking I was in what I thought was almost a Norman Rockwell blessed and charmed life. Sure, my H was not romantic and he didn't communicate as much as I would have liked, but I thought we loved each other and loved the life we had built.<P>Turns out, I was right. Whatever the affair was, I truly believe it had very little to do with the actual marriage or anything I could have done differently that would have prevented the affair.<P>Maybe some, maybe most affairs result from deep problems in the marriage or needs not being met. I don't know. I do know that looking back, my H's affair was caused by a usual combination of little things that amounted to a period of personal nuttiness for my H. My H would absolutely agree in our case. He continually says it had nothing to do with me...I was always a great wife...and not to pat myself on the back, but I was.<P>Maybe it is that you remind me of me, somewhat, but I sense that if it was anyone not getting their needs met before the affair, it was you. Yet it was your H who had the affair. Am I right?<P>Your H mentioned questioning his faith. I would think this is a big factor. My H did this within weeks of his 40th birthday. Is age a factor? My H had a few disappointments in his career. Could this be a factor? Unfortunately my H had a friend lying to him about his sex life (long story) but it was enough to make my H look at ours critically, which made him dissatified and gave him some "justification" for his curiousity. Are there any peers negitively influencing H?<P>Sometimes it helps just to see the situation for what it is. Not in an attempt to not be accountable, but for me, seeing some incredible timing and a temp. whacky schedule that provided opportunity, made me feel more confident that this was out of character and lessoned the chance of this happening again, at least in my own mind, and just gave me a little more peace.<P>All the best!<P>------------------<BR>Faith, Hope, Love Remain,<BR>but the greatest of these is Love.<BR>1 Corinthians 13:13

Hold on girl! We went through some rocky times this weekend. OW was out of town for T-giving, but called when she returned. I talked to her myself and told her that my H and I had agreed to re-commit to one another and that she should move on. She needed to hear it from him. When I put him on the phone, he couldn't say it!!! After the call, he told me that he needed to go to her because she was so upset. I told him that if he went to her, he would have to stay with her (tough love). I was scared to death, but he believed that I was at the end of my short rope and gave me the keys to her house. He told me to take them to her, make sure she was okay, and let her know that he didn't need them anymore. I felt like I had won the game of my life, but the pain I saw in him was so overwhelming. He is so conflicted. I hope and pray for you that Aric's pain will force him to take a hard look at what he is doing. Be patient and take care of yourself. I know that we all tend to feel the pain for our wayward, but you have to hang tough! Be there for him, but don't sacrifice yourself.