Wife and I have been having troubles for about 10 months now. I've been doing things to try to make them better, improving the things about myself that have been upsetting her, etc. But recently, I've discovered that she has a "friend" at work. I don't think there's anything physical going on, but I'm not sure. I've been able to get into her phone system and listen to her messages. I feel very guilty about doing this, but have been learning about the nature of their relationship. He leaves her messages almost daily describing his daily activities when they're not able to talk to one another. Recently he's been saying things about that he's been thinking about her a lot and would like to be holding her, etc. I've tried confronting her about her relationship with him without telling her exactly what I know, but she insists they're only friends. She also talks with him sometimes at night when I'm away. She continually lies about anything relating to them. When I am able to catch her in a lie, she just tells me she lied because of how I would react. I just don't think what she is doing is a normal relationship for a "friendship". Please help me. Ask question if you need more info., etc. Do I tell her I know what I do or do I try to find another way for it to expose itself? She would probably leave if she knew I was listening to her voice mail messages.<BR><p>[This message has been edited by Dazed&Confused (edited November 30, 1999).]

First off... please change your nickname and re-post your request. There is already a longtime “Dazed and Confused” posting here, and this would just get way too “confusing” (and leave us all “Dazed” as well! ) <P>I'm sure you'll then get plenty of help with your problems.<P>Good Luck! <P>------------------<BR>Resentment is like taking poison and waiting for the other person to die<p>[This message has been edited by WhoDat (edited November 30, 1999).]

Why do we expect the spouse to actually confess that "Yes, I am having/interested in an affair". 9 times out of 10 that doesn't happen! It is time to let her know that you know the foundation of their so called friendship. Do your friends call you up and tell you that they would like to hold you. Next time you should tape the one of the message and save it and use it at the proper time. But I guess you should try Plan A as they suggest, and it should die out. But I am not the type to sit around and wait because then it could be too late and they could have crossed the line!

Yes, Dazed&...PLEASE change your screen name. The last thing either of us needs is people getting confused...and I was here first.

Welcome <B>Dazed&Confused</B> to the Marriage Builders - Infidelity Forum.<P>Yes... you've been told often enough to change your name...<P>I'm here as the normal welcome wagon...<P>The people here represent both betrayed spouses and betrayers alike and the occasional Other Woman/Man/Person (OP/OW/OM).<BR><B>All</B> of us are really here to try and build or rebuild our marriages... and we are trying to use principles and concepts that are espoused by Dr. Willard Harley of Marriage Builders(MB).<P>There is a wealth of information here at this site, starting from the <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/" TARGET=_blank>Marriage Builder's Home Page</A>.<P>If you're new to the ideas being presented here at MB start off with <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi3000_intro.html" TARGET=_blank>Dr. Harley's Basic Concepts</A><P>Many of us need to start immediately working on our marriages and a <B>sound</B> understanding of <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi8113_ab.html" TARGET=_blank>Plan A and Plan B</A> is crucial! As someone who suspects an affair... get a jump start by getting into <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi8113_ab.html" TARGET=_blank>Plan A</A> (as suggested by trying2_4give!)<P>You'll see a barrage of "terms" which you might guess the meaning of... but an alternative is to look up what they mean at this site... Words like (click on them to find out):<BR><A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi3400_lovebust.html" TARGET=_blank>Love Busters</A>, <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi3200_love.html" TARGET=_blank>Love Bank</A>, <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi3300_needs.html" TARGET=_blank>Emotional Needs</A>, <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi3550_give.html" TARGET=_blank>Giver and Taker</A>, <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi3500_policy.html" TARGET=_blank>The Policy of Joint Agreement(POJA)</A>.<P>You'll need to learn more about, not just marriage building... but self building too! The learning isn't going to happen overnight though... look at the <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi8100_article.html" TARGET=_blank>Articles</A> and <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi5525_qa.html" TARGET=_blank>Infidelity Q&A</A>.<BR>The real learning is best aided by obtaining some of the books from the <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi6000_bookstore.html" TARGET=_blank>MB Bookstore</A>... of most important for those who have affairs in progress, or soon to be, is <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi6070_sa.html" TARGET=_blank>"Surviving An Affair"</A> by Dr. Willard Harley. <B>This is the 'bible' for this forum.</B><BR>Other books can be very useful as well... like <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi6020_needs.html" TARGET=_blank>"His Needs, Her Needs"</A> and <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi6030_love.html" TARGET=_blank>"Love Busters"</A>.<BR>There will be many other good books that the MB people will recommend... take their advice... they've been around.<P>A few comments on the "possibility of an affair"... quotes from the 'bible' <BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>Wayward spouses do not necessarily have a history of lying, but their affair turns them into masters of deception. (page 40 of SAA)<HR></BLOCKQUOTE><BR>...words like the following... are very strong indicators of real problems...<BR> <BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>"Stay out of my private life", "I'm disappointed you don't trust me", "I can't remember", "We're just friends", and "I just need some time away to think things through" (pages 40-44 of SAA)<HR></BLOCKQUOTE>...and this will be key... as you head into a real healing...<BR> <BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>Privacy isn't something that improves marriages, It's honesty and openness that improves marriages. (page 41 of SAA)<HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P>------------------------<BR>More words of welcome...<P>Most of all... you will find <B>compassion</B> and <B>love</B> here. No judging... no demeaning... no malice here!<BR>The people here have all had their lives thrown into a whirlwind of despair, confusion, and sadness.<BR>We've all experience gut wrenching emotions that we though could never exist, in anyone's idea of humanity.<BR>Feelings of hatred, love, disillusionment, envy, rejection, emptiness, <B>deep depression</B>, and on and on...<P>Just the books and facts aren't going to get you through it all... not without <B>support</B>. That's where <B>we</B> come in! <B>We</B> care... because <B>we</B> know how it feels. Believe it... <B>You are <I>not</I> alone</B>! <BR>Come to this forum to vent... to cry... to laugh (a little)... to express your feelings... to advise others... or just to get away!<BR>Your probably going through H*!! right now... don't go it alone... remember... <B>you are <I>not</I> alone</B>! <P>There is never any guarantee to save all marriages... life doesn't work that way, unfortunately.<BR>We can, and do guarantee, to give you help... to build back many vital aspects of your life and sanity. <P>Post... Post... Post... Reply... Reply... Reply... READ! READ! READ!<P>I've been speaking in behalf of some dear friends... as well as some complete strangers too..., when I've used <B>"we"</B>!<BR>But... if you're here... join in with them... they <B>will</B> join in with you. <P>Jim<BR>---------------------------------<BR>Where two or more are gathered...

Welcome to the roller coaster.<BR>You will feel like you are going insane- been there, done that. Take Care of Yourself!!!!! I had my head so far up my wifes butt that I beleived everything she was telling me- and now i get the flashes of anger towards the situation. We all know what its like- we've been there. <BR>Stick around and follow NSR's advice- read, post, read, listen, post and read.<BR>Also try <A HREF="http://www.divorcebusting.com." TARGET=_blank>www.divorcebusting.com.</A> ASlot of familiar names there also.

How do I go about changing my name? Do I just register or is there an easier way?

Just re-register...<P>Jim

There, I've changed my UserName to WannaMakeItWork. I'll be resubmitting my post as well. Thanks!<BR>

Very nice, and a positive outlook as well! <P>Welcome, and wish you weren’t here...<BR><P>------------------<BR>Resentment is like taking poison and waiting for the other person to die