FHL<BR>It isn't even just the bimbo. Remember my concussion? eerie resemblance.<BR>All my life I have just wanted to have some caring. He could give it to Everyone bout me. The world knows he would do anything for anyone - but me.<P>Here's an example of my selfish demands:<P>When I'm this sick could you please check occasionally to see if I'm alive?<BR>It would feel so nice if you would just reach out and pull the covers up over my shoulder.<P>i don't think these things are too unreasonable and I don't even get them whe I ask.<BR>For crying out loud he sat and watched me rubbing my own neck.<P>He gets a nightly back scratch/rub. I'm suprised he didn't ask last night. Too tired I guess.<P>Yeah I'm livid. sorry. I just have been holding it in so long.... and he has been disappearing without explanation again.<BR>I saw so much progress with us but if this is how he wants it to be he is welcome to the bimbo!

You have every right to be hurt and livid. His callousness and his inapropriate behavior are inexcusable.<P>These are his problems and his issues. I doubt if his affair or his lack of showing concern for you has much if anything to with you. I would bet it had little to do with how you were meeting his needs.<P>Even if he has restarted the affair, or found some new bimbo, I don't think that is the root cause of your problems anymore.<P>I think his drinking may be. If that is true, it may save you some pain if instead of linking your pain with the bimbo...you see it as a result of your H's poor choices and possible addiction.<P>It is not you. It is him.<P><P>------------------<BR>Faith, Hope, Love Remain,<BR>but the greatest of these is Love.<BR>1 Corinthians 13:13

Wassi - Re the "royal drinking" -<P>It's OK for HER Royal Highness (aka my W aka She)to have a couple of glasses of wine a night, but not for me to have anything at all. I wouldn't call her an alcoholic, but she does like her wine. I wouldn't call myself an alcoholic either, though I can be a heavy drinker, which she doesn't like. Don't get drunk, but she won't "allow" me to drink anyway. So of course, I rebel against the Queen from time to time by drinking anyway (am not doing so currently). It's a tough, touchy problem for a lot of people, I know. But in her case, it's definitely one set of rules for her and another set for me.<P>--Wex

FHL<BR>Did you know this is the first time since coming to the forum that I have used the angry icon?<BR>You are right about the drinking. However the bimbo is related to this problem in a way. Very complicated issues as you know.<BR>There are a lot of pre affair issues that didn't get dealt with and she is a part of them. of course I behave and don't mention her if at all possible but I think it's about my turn to get some things out of the way.<P>Wex<BR>you know the old double standard. I never drank before the affair. Now he gets all upset when I ask him to pick me up a new bottle of vodka.<BR>

wassi,<P>Hope the migraine is all gone by now. They are the PITS!<P>What I hear from your posts is that you feel like you work so hard to try to meet his needsa, yet, he seems totally oblivious to your needs, or even if you point them out to him, he just doesn't give a flip if he meets them or not.<P>This guy is CLUELESS!!!! Yes, you have a right to be hurt and resentful.<P>My question is this: is this insensitivity on his part new or just more of his "normal" behavior???? Somehow, I am putting my money on the fact that he has always been the insensitive type. Yet, because of the affair, you are more sensitive to having him meet you needs than ever before!<P>Thinking of you....<P>Desiree<P>------------------<BR>"Life is made up, not of great sacrifices or duties, but of little things in which smiles and kindnesses and small obligations, given habitually, are what win and preserve the heart and secure comfort."<P>Sir Humphry Davy<BR>

Wassy ... was going to write one of my long posts but I'm mispeling everything which is a clue that I need sleep <BR>I'll e-mail tomorrow or come back here.<BR>Hugs<BR>Kat

Just to get back on the first post of this thread by wasstubborn, I'd like to mention some of the symptoms of midlife crisis:<P><B>1. The person feels unsatisfied</B> with his/her present life, nothing seems right.<BR><B>2. Feeling that death maybe near.</B> It doesn't matter that the person is only 35 or 45 (sometimes younger, sometimes older) and it doesn't matter if all his/her ancestors have reached 90 years of age, he/she feels like there is no time to waste.<BR><B>3. Memories of old goals.</B> What I wanted to do when I was 20, when I was 30, or even yesterday before I "realized" that time has gone by and taken my dreams away.<BR><B>4. Regrets and self-blame</B> for not having accomplished all those goals.<BR><B>5. Memories of old relationships.</B> Wondering what would have been like if sticking with such person or marrying this other one, comparing one's spouse with that old girlfriend/boyfriend (the spouse always looks bad), etc.<BR><B>6. Blame on the companion</B> for all that lost time. Of course, "if I wasn't married to him/her or if I didn't have so many obligations it would be easier to drop everything and pursue my dreams."<BR><B>7. etc.</B><P>I went through it "in my cave" as John Gray puts it; yes I worked, yes I shared with my D & W but somehow I wasn't "there", thoughts of finding a lover went through my mind and I stopped only because I love my D and I was <B>afraid</B> of losing my W. She understood and let me be. One night I came home and said "I'm back", "I know" —she answered—; I mean I am really back —I insisted—, "I know" —she finished— and then rubbed my back knowingly.<P><B>FOUR-O</B> is a big number for her, she was feeling down & old & fat & ugly & broke (now this last one is true), our sex life sucked, we argued all the time and she went into a depression with Prozac and all. I didn't get it, when she yelled I yelled louder (no, we never got out of hand), I didn't see it coming. I didn't understand; if she had have come and said "I'm back" I would had probably answered "and?".<P>So she is going through it without me… one of the reasons I think that she is going through midlife crisis is her insistence that "we live only once", "life offers no guarantees", " I want to live fully today, don't know what'll happen tomorrow", etc… phrases pretty much repeated constantly by those mid-life "crissisers", just like backward spouses repeat that one of "I love you but I'm not in love with you".<P>But, I don't think that betrayal is directly related to mid-life crisis, I rather think that the person will betray only if he/she doesn't have a solid moral education and/or if the relationship is terrible (or is going through bad times) but he/she feels there's no way out of it… midlife crisis or not.<P>The rest, as they say, is history.<P>Alex<p>[This message has been edited by ThisAlex (edited February 10, 2000).]

Desiree<BR>Thanks for giving me focus.<BR>The story is very complicated. My H is the most giving person on earth. Except with his wife and children. I take responsibility for my part in this. I am a giver/doer. why would he need to give to me if I'm not needy? The bimbos are needy. They make him feel important because they aren't efficient.<P>This stems from the years he worked out of town and I HAD to be efficient. What has happened here is a replay. He worked long hours for almost 2 months straight. We went back into those roles.<P>In June '98 we moved to his dream house on the farm. A lot of other things happened to contribute to his "crisis". He turned into a major creep, king, etc. It was horrible. Then in Oct. He got serious with the bimbo.<BR>I guess I was hoping we wouldn't go back there ever again.<P>Headache is somewhat better today. <P>Kat<BR>Please do e-mail me!<P>ThisAlex<BR>I'm sorry I got off topic. <BR>Thanks for sharing your info. <BR>I still do believe whole heartedly that my H's affair was a direct result of his crisis.<BR>He was not himself at all in the months before, during and after the affair. <BR>Today he can't even fathom how he justified any of it. <BR>I believe that the "crisis" was a state of mind that made him capable of doing things he would never have done at another time.<BR>JMHO