I know this is crazy, but can someone please help me. My husband had an affair. It began and ended in the same week. He has called it off and says he is committed to making our marriage work. This is also what I want, but for some reason I have this nagging feeling that I want to go out and sleep with someone else too. Almost like I have to do it so that all will be equal and we can start over. <P>I know it sounds nuts - it probably is. I just want him to understand what it's like to lay there in bed at night invisioning someone else making love to your spouse. I just can't shake it. I want him to feel what I feel. Please someone help me!

Hi Caligirl,<P>I think most people around here who have been betrayed will understand your feelings. I sure do even though I was able to not give in to the feelings. As tempting as it seems to have a revenge affair you need to ask yourself, can I live with the guilt? Can I live with the knowledge that I purposefully set out to hurt my partner? Is this what is in the best interest of our marriage? <P>What you are feeling is NORMAL but I am pretty sure everybody here will tell you that a revenge affair is a big mistake.<P>Just my 2 cents <P>Jodi<p>[This message has been edited by JodiC (edited February 07, 2000).]

Nope, uh uh, please don't, big mistake.<P>Ok, normal reaction, don't take action. Start reading and learning and getting past the pain.<P>You'll be ok. This will pass.<P>Hang on!<P>Lori

I really have no room to offer you a valid argument, because in my case I did it, and don't feel guilt yet. My newfound friends on the forum tell me its coming!! They are wise and I trust their opinion.<P>In your case, I think you should count your blessings. Read some of OUR horror stories on the site. One week, I wouldn't do it. <BR>Not if you are working things out. In my case I was told I am being divorced. <P>I hope you can avoid a large amount of pain and just repair your marriage before more problems get added in to the mix.<P>Good luck.<P>

I agree with Jodi. We all think about it. But I know that I want to be able to say I kept my vows. Once you give in you can never take it back. Never. <BR>I think we want our spouse to know how badly this hurts. They never will. <BR>Be thankful that it was a short affair and that he did not leave you. There are many here who have to endure the spouse being totally gone.<BR>I have a similar situation as yours. I know how you feel. Even a year later I still have the revenge feelings. But God has told me that revenge is NOT mine to take. <BR>If you are a praying person...... When you have those feelings think of someone you can pray for. Pray for that person each time you struggle. This has worked wonders for me. It takes the focus off me and lets me focus on someone who needs to be remembered. If you are not a prayer, think of an act of kindness that you could perform. Take the bad thoughts and change them to positive thoughts.<BR>It will hurt for awhile. I hated the images I had in my mind (and still do) but they do fade.<BR>You are not alone in this. I, and I am sure many others, will be praying for you.<BR>Sara

Let me just say this. I hardly remember my one night stand due to me being so intoxicated. But the very thought of me laying with another man besides my husband kills me inside. It is the most disgusting feeling I have ever felt. The guilt begins to overwhelm you and your self-esteem becomes very low. You just feel like the epidemy of trash. In essence you feel like a failure. And if you want to feel like that, go right ahead. But isn't the fire hot enough already?<P>In essence, please don't give in. If you want this to work, you must tear down every stronghold that has been set up against your marriage. You are in my prayers and I admire your strength for hanging in there when you had every right to call it quits!!!<P>God Bless, you are in my prayers. Oh, and did I say welcome. Post and read, you can learn alot here. And I'm sure we can learn alot from you!!<P>------------------<BR>"If you can learn from the mistakes of others, you won't have to make them youself."<P>lady_divine77@yahoo.com

You are getting such wise advice here. I don't have anything to add except, keep this in mind:<P>Two wrongs don't equal a right.<P>

Caligirl,<P>Please oh please think things through!!!<P>You would have to live with the guilt and regret of your actions for the rest of your life.<P>About a month after discovery, my wife actually told me it would make her feel better if I would do it to her. i told her NO WAY IN H*LL!!(although I did entertain the thought for about a millionth of a second) I've explained to her how much it hurts to find out about an A. And I've explained to her that I wouldn't wish it on my worst enemy!<P>It's been two months since my W's onenighter, and I still see it in my mind. It is a disturbing image to have. It just makes me sick to my stomach imagining someone else making love to my W. But with time, maybe that image will disapear. I know what your'e going through!!<P>If you want revenge, let me recomend this: Love him with all your heart!! And don't ever hurt him no matter what he has done.<BR>Remember what NoTrust said: Two wrongs don't make a right!<P>JW<BR>jwarn@earthlink.net

<BR>Caligirl,<P>Infidelity isn't about pulling a fast one on your spouse, it isn't about getting revenge, and it isn't about "making things equal." Its about who *you* are as a person; its about your integrity.<P>You made a committment to your husband when you took your wedding vows, you made a committment to God, and the part that those contemplating betrayal forget: You made a committment to yourself. Do you really want to become a betrayer? Do you want to have to look at yourself and your loved ones, knowing that you're capable of such an act? You've got to look in the mirror every day - exactly who do you want looking back?<P>Being betrayed is utterly excruciating, but sinking to such conduct in retaliation only makes things worse. Don't do it. <P>Bystander

Caligirl,<P>Correct me if I am wrong, but I bet if you really think about it, you don't really want to "get back" at your husband. You are more upset because you played by the rules and he did not.<P>We have all met people we are attracted to, and thought we could be compatable with if we were not involved with someone else. You do not get any clsoer to these people because you know it is not the right thing to do. <P>You really think that it is not fair that you played by the rules and he didin't, because you could have been with this guy, and that guy, etc. But you didn't.<P>Continue down this path and do not do it.<P>Instead really thing about why your H might have had an affair. I know you can come up with some reasons. I am not saying what he did was right, it was a cruel and horrible thing to do. <P>But think what needs this OW may be taking care of, and focus your attention on them.<P>Worst case scenario, you will have no regrets. <P>

Caligirl,<P>I have to agree with everyone on this point, a revenge affair will NOT help the situation one iotta. Please don't take this course of action. It will only cause more pain on BOTH your parts.<P>READ READ READ POST POST POST VENT VENT VENT <P>Work through your pain and feelings, things do get better. It will be a bumpy ride (we call it the rollercoaster), and for the most part you and your H will be on separate paths. You have such different issues to work through. But first and foremost DON'T DO IT!!!!<P>------------------<BR>Love and Prayers<BR>Nicole

Caligirl,<BR>Two wrongs <B>never</B> make a right. I know revenge seems like the way to go but you don't want anyone else to got hrough the pain that you are experiencing right now.<P><P>------------------<BR><B><I>God Bless,<BR>Rob</I></B><BR> regilmor@swbell.net