Oh yes, what a beautiful morning IT WASN'T!<P>Took youngest son to school, got to work at 7:45, other person that I open with today doesn't have her half of the combos, too many new customers to deal with (I know this is really a good thing, but irritated me today nonetheless) couldn't get my other scheduled work done (scheduled by me for me), okay a bright note was that I did get to have lunch today, Boss is totally overworked too, need some R & R, .........will be back later, right now I have to pick up son from basketball, didn't realize it was already that time........but, oh, husband didn't think I should ask for his help with dinner even though I have a cast on one hand.....oh well,.....<P>

RC,<P>I believe I responded to another post from you regarding a trip to Singapore. If I'm wrong, I apologize in advance. In any case, based on this post I'd likely say the same thing.<P>Posts have a tone to them - the tone sort of tells us what's really going on with the person posting. The tone of the post can tell an awful lot, almost as much as the actual content itself. Now please do not take offense, because we are all here to help. My way of helping is to be very straight, with love. Because you can learn and grow from what is real.<P>RC, your post here, and the one on Singapore, both had a rather bitter tone. Anger and something perhaps just short of hate come across to me. I also sense that you are really tired, perhaps of the drawn out situation you face each day. Yet, I also sense a lot of desire for things to work out - otherwise you wouldn't be on this board.<P>I what comes across in the tone of your posts comes across to others, including your husband, then I'd suggest that perhaps he may feel that he doesn't have much of a choice at the moment. There is no justification for his affair, yet who would chose anger, dispair, bitterness. <P>My guess is that you are a wonderful person inside and this thing is eating you up and it's showing. You can change that, and the change could very well wake him up to your presence and give him a very attractive choice - you.<P>No, you shouldn't have to do this to win him back totally - yet the situation is what it is for all of us, and if we want our marriages to win, then we must all do what we must do - like it or not. I happen to like my changes very much - they make me a much better person and far more attractive to be around. I was really stupid for not changing sooner.<P>I want to follow your posts. I'm really hoping for you and your husband.<P>SamH

SamH,<P>Nope, wasn't me in Singapore. I just feel run ragged is all. H doesn't think I need any help preparing dinner, but I do appreciate his help in other areas and tell him so. Just needing to vent. I know you care. Yes, I am feeling despair. I'm getting really tired of being the only one involved in our relationship, how long did you live with your S affair? It's been almost 4 yrs for me. I am at the point of just working on me(once again) and saying to heck with him and his girlfriend. The problem is that it isn't easy. Thought this might be the spot for encouragement, am I wrong?<p>[This message has been edited by RCoaster (edited February 08, 2000).]

RC<P>You've been doing this for 4 years??? You are a saint, I know I will never have half that dedication, and you should be commended for it. Hope tomorrow goes better for you. Dana

Nope, you're not wrong - this is the spot for encouragement.<P>Wow!!! Four years in this situation! I don't even know how to think about that - except that your are truly one loyal and committed person. My hat is off to you.<P>I'm very new at all this, and scared to all heck. My situation started in Mid-November 1999. So, compared to you, I've been in it only 3 months - 2 months now after discovery.<BR>Just this Saturday, my wife told me that her EA was all over, for good - in part because she and I accidently bumped into the OM together one night last week. The greetings were cordial (I was a gentleman), but inside all three of us freaked out, and they mutually decided the next day to stop everything. Let's hope that is the case. Still, my wife is in full blown mid-life crisis, and I have to deal with that now.<P>I have been Plan A'ng really good for a couple of months now. If I get to 18 months or so of solid Plan A'ng with no Love Busters, I'll pull a Plan B. If you have been Plan A'ng, is there a time you would do a Plan B?

Hi RollerCoaster,<P>I responded to your post first thing this morning, but when I got home this afternoon and checked it wasn't here! And then I found your other post!<P>You are in the right place here. I believe Sam was trying to be the voice of calm reason (AKA devil's advocate!!!). I can see the value in that, but there are times when a person needs a friend to sympathize and empathize with, someone to say "Hey, I feel the same way!"<P>I know by reading your posts that you have been fighting the infidelity battle for a long, long time. That in itself shows the level of committment you have for your marriage. Everyone reaches points where they are overwhelmed, frustrated, and discouraged. That is where you are. We have ALL been there, and if Sam hasn't yet, he will too.<P>That's where we come in. We listen to you vent, offer encouragement, and share our strength. Somehow, you find the will to continue the fight. Sometimes that will comes from the love and prayers of the people here who read your posts.<P>I could feel your hurt, and I understand it. You came here looking for support, and got back a response that sort of insinuated that it's your fault and you asked for it. I don't think that was Sam's intention, maybe he is somewhat like me- speak (or write) now, think about how it sounds later!<P>At any rate, keep posting. You are not the only one who feels like they are the only person in their marriage working their butt off to save it. Anytime you need someone to commiserate with, I'm your girl!!<P>Best wishes for a better day!<P>Peppermint

RC,<P>I want to apologize to you. I should have been sure of your story, and even so my tone in my post to you was not what you needed. I'm really sorry. <P>I was also having a bad day in that I, like you, desparately want my relationship to be healthy again now - and my mind is having trouble understanding why it is not. There are signs everywhere that it's getting much healthier, and signs that it is not. I don't know which signs to believe anymore. Fortunately, at least for the moment, the "better" signs outweigh the "bad" signs.<P>So, I think my post to you had more to do with me making sure that I stayed on course and not give way showing any anger or dispair. I think the post was really for me.<P>Peppermint is right, you can vent here anytime - I too will listen and respond with kindness (but always truth).<P>I hope you can forgive me.<P>SamH