When I got home from work yesterday my H was at the house. He had been waiting for me. His news was that he wanted a divorce. I thought I was going to throw up. He said it would be too hard to start over. He just wants out, no doubt to be with the OW. He doesn't even think its worth working on for the sake of our children. He is no longer in love with me, though he says he does love me (?). He believes that together he can't fulfill his full potential. I'm going to see a lawyer today, but how do I do this? I feel so empty and alone. I feel so connected to this man. We've been together for 15 years and I can't just turn all these feelings off. I know my H very well, and he WILL NOT back off his decision. He also won't tell the kids. I guess I'll have to be the bearer of bad news. What do I say? How do you tell your children that life as they know it is over? I feel so hopeless and depressed. I wish I could just crawl away and die.<P>------------------<BR>Keridwen

K7,<BR>I went back and read your other posts. It is unclear whether or not you have made an attempt to live in Plan A for awhile. My guess is no since it was a short time ago that you were questioning how Plan A/B works ....please correct me if I am wrong.<P>You had also mentionned that your H had expressed an interest in the MB site - did he ever check it out? I printed a ton of relevant stuff after my H said he would be "interested" and then failed to take the initiative. He did read it all and we are working hard together to overcome many, many issues (many affairs, sexual addiction, no communication for years).<P>You say that you are certain that his mind is made up and that there is no possibility to change it. This may be the case and he may leave but you can still create the safest most appealing environment for him to return to once this little fantasy of his becomes reality. <P>My personl take on one of the reasons to execute Plan A is also to eliminate the "if only I had...." thoughts that linger long after separation/divorce. It is not a guarantee by any means that your relationship will be restored (though a great first step to trying to - especially in cases of infidelity). It does however allow the betrayed to know that they did everything that they could and allow them the comfort to carry on knowing they gave it their all. <P>The resentment towards a spouse who has betrayed us can sometimes be easier than the resentment we have to live with because we "betrayed ourselves." There are many on the forum who know in their hearts that they did every single thing that they could for the marriage and to no avail - somehow I think it makes it easier.<P>How old are your kids? Is it possible to explain to your husband that it is much better for them and their long term relationship with HIM if you both discuss it with them together?<P>I am so sorry for all the grief you are going through right now. Beyond this issue, you have much on your plate by the sounds of it. Stay strong, take care of you as best as you can. Keep posting.<P>Cheers!<BR>Lisa

`Keridwen,<P>Are you seeking any counceling???<P>I suggest talking to Steve Harley...My W told me those very things...Steve will put you on a plan that will make everything easier... Go to the counceling page on this site, they'll give you all the info you need...<P>Bill<P><BR>Irish Blessing<P>May the roads rise to meet you,<BR>May the winds always be at your back,<BR>May the sun shine warm upon your face,<BR>The rains fall soft upon your fields,<BR>And until we meet again,<BR>May god hold you<BR>In the hollow of his hand.<BR>Bill<P>------------------<BR>BB<BR>

LisaM<P>I guess I should make it clear...we started marriage counseling in May 1999 and have lived together trying to work it out until 2 weeks ago. He spent a weekend with the OW and came home and basically packed up and left. We did plan A for quite a while (we didn't know it was plan A because I just found this website). But he was in contact with her almost constantly during this time so it was really hard to really work on the marriage. I really shut myself off from him because it just hurt too much. He just wasn't "there". Like you, I printed out EVERYTHING from this site that was relevant for him to read, filled out the emotional needs questionnaire and the love buster questionnaire. He read all of it and made his decision based on what was there. He says it would be forced and fake. It wouldn't be "real". So he won't do it anymore. The only reason I say he won't change his mind is because I know him. He is very stubborn and once he starts down a path he rarely deviates from it. I really do feel like I have done everything possible at this point, but I can't do it by myself. It takes two to make it work and he is just not willing. I feel like I need to start thinking in terms of MY life and my life with my kids. I think by the time he realizes what he has done I will have moved on with my life. That's really tragic to me. My kids are 13, 10 & 9. They are such great kids too. Smart, well-adjusted, talented. I ache for what they are about to face. I never wanted this for them. I just hope they come through this with minimal damage. <P><BR>((Bill)) thanks for the Irish Blessing, I needed it.

K7,<BR>Only you know how much you can endure. Yes, in the end it does take 2 to make it work. All that I am saying is that YOU can Plan A and make your marriage the place he wants to be when his little fantasy crumbles.<P>You say that you plan A-ed it before finding the web site.<P>You also say:<BR>"But he was in contact with her almost constantly during this time so it was really hard to really work on the marriage. I really<BR>shut myself off from him because it just hurt too much. He just wasn't "there"."<P>This isn't Plan A. Plan A (in my mind when dealing with a situation like yours it is AKA the doormat Plan but effective nontheless) is humbly doing everything in your power to be the best wife he could have ever immagined possible - REGARDLESS OF HIS SELFISHNESS. It is not shutting yourself off from him. <P>Executing a true plan A doesn't necessarily make you the most appealing at the time to him (he is in la-la land afterall) but it does make you the one he will feel safe with when he realizes what an idiot he had been to throw away such a good thing. <P>Go back and read some of NSR's posts on the Plan A thing. They will give you some great insight into the lengths that some people go through despite an ongoing affair. I am not suggesting that you go to greater lengths than you are comfortable with, only trying to suggest that you understand the complete meaning of a true Plan A and the reasons for doing so. Also try to understand the how's and why's of a true Plan B.<P>Although I have never executed the Plan A/B thing because things got better faster than anticipated and my H was onside, I think I get the reasons behind it all. If I am totally warped in my thinking, someone please send a slingshot through my computer screen...<P>Cheers,<BR>Lisa

You know, I wish I had known about this place back when we were together and he was still trying...I think its just too late now. He has no intention of moving back home at this point for me to put plan A into action. Plan B is a no go if he's filing for divorce. I realize I must move on but its very painful. I just love him so much, not to mention his mother and father are like parents to me too. I'm close to both his grandmothers and his grandfather, aunts, uncles, cousins. I'll be losing an entire network of people that I love very much. I know it just won't be the same. He is going to bring in the OW and they will feel obliged to welcome her. It will be easier for them to shut me out in order to do that. I really wish things could have been different, but I'm going to drive myself crazy with the should'ves, could'ves and if onlies. This is reality, this is life, I have to deal with it no matter how painful. Thank the maker for my therapist.<BR><P>------------------<BR>Keridwen

Keridwen7:<P>I too love my H, am very close to his whole family and can't stand the thought of losing them as well, have wonderful innocent children and don't know how to face my situation. A few weeks ago we decided to separate from each other to eliminate the constant angry outbursts etc. The argueing in itself was not good for the kids. When I tried to explain to the kids that H & I needed a break from each other right now to sort some things out, & assured them that it has nothing to do with them we both love them with all of our hearts but maybe right now this would be best for all of us, my D said "I could see it coming" They were far more aware than I quessed. There at least is some peace around our house for them right now. They know the problem is between their Dad & me not them, & they don't have to be confronted by the animosity any more. They, especially my S miss Dad not being here all of the time & it is killing me but he is also happier seeing us communicate now rather that argue.

K7,<P>I don't have any advice but I just wanted you to know I know just exactly the way you feel only My H wouldn't even go to counseling.<BR>I'm here if you need or want to talk<BR>you and your family are in my prayers<BR>Lesa<P>------------------<BR>"Trust in the Lord with all thine heart, and<BR> lean not unto thine own understanding." -Proverbs 3:5<BR>Take care and God Bless.<P> lms20ish@jobe.net

Hello,<P>First let me say when My H first asked for a divorce he was confused and plain STUPID. Once he took his affair to the next level he was unsure I would forgive him. There for it was easier to go to the OW. Since I could garentee nothing. Even though i was begging him to Pick me and leave her he still chose OW. His excuse was he was sure i would not be able to get over it". <P>My advice is reassure your H you will try with all your heart and soul to save your marriage and possibel be even better then before. All a person can do it try.<P>Confusedwife

Hello,<P> What do you do? I say keep Plan Aing if you can and do NOTHING for the D. Make him file and do the dirty work....get legal advice(to know your rights) but don't file. What are the laws in your state? If there is enough time before the D becomes final the affair might fall apart....hang in there, many , many people on this board have heard the same thing and they are back together....LU

What do you mean he won't talk to the kids...isn't he ever planning to see them again?<P>You may want to seek family counseling for them.<P>I would tell them you both still love them, but your Dad had decided he doesn't want to be married to you anymore, but he will always be their dad.<P>I'd be honest with them and not condone what he is doing, but do your best to keep not to bash him.<P>A very fine line.<P>Where do they think he is now?<P>------------------<BR>Faith, Hope, Love Remain,<BR>but the greatest of these is Love.<BR>1 Corinthians 13:13

Welcome <B>Keridwen7</B>...<P>I'm sorry you've had to come here...<BR>...but this is the best place for you.<P>I have a post of general welcome post I wish to share with you... <P>It has a lot of quick links to many of the <B>most</B> important MB sites...<BR>Click here ==> <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/forum/Forum29/HTML/000002.html" TARGET=_blank>General Welcome for All New Builders(Newbies)</A><P>For some clarity... a short time ago the "main" forum was divided into 4 separate "sub" forums...<BR>Staying in the <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/cgi-bin/cgiwrap/marriage/forumdisplay.cgi?action=topics&forum=General+Questions&number=28&DaysPrune=10&LastLogin=" TARGET=_blank>General Questions</A> forum will give you the most responses! <P><B>Don't give up hope</B>...<BR>Your H is in and affair... that means he is under a devious addition...<BR>...what you once thought of his "reasoning"... is now meaningless!<P>As other's have said... start on <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi8113_ab.html" TARGET=_blank>Plan A</A>...<BR>and of coures get and read the book <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi6070_sa.html" TARGET=_blank>"Surviving An Affair"(SAA)</A>.<P>My heart breaks for what you are feeling...<BR>...<B>you are not alone</B>!<P>Prayers... <P>Jim

(((Everyone)))<P>I appreciate your responses. My H talks to the kids and sees them, but won't tell them what's really going on. He is living with his parents right now, who are very upset with him. They came to visit me and the kids last night and basically let me know I'll always be part of the family. I don't think I'm going to file, but I did see a lawyer. I'm really worried about what financial state I'll be in if he goes through with all this. I have decided to be as pleasant to him as possible despite the pain I feel. Maybe if he can see that I am being calm, reasonable and available when he wants to talk it will turn things around. I know there is supposed to be no contact in plan B, but it's really hard when children are involved. I hope he can get himself together. The one thing I have going for me is he will not want to face the "dirty work" of getting an attorney. The longer he puts this off, the more chance we have of trying to work it out. It's really uncomfortable being in limbo like this. I am trying to do positive things for myself right now and focus less on him and the OW and what they are saying and doing. <P>------------------<BR>Keridwen

K7,<P>In your situation, Plan A sounds like the best thing. Just because he left and stays at his parents, doesn't mean its over. He may miss you and come home. If he was interested in saving the marriage before, it CAN happen again.<P>The saying "it wouldn't be real " that sounds kind of like an excuse. How much more real can you get? Affairs, and betrayal, is very real. <P>Can you suggest a family trip to the counselor "IF" he files for D, why should you be the one to tell the kids. Don't tell them anything unless you actually get papers, and if it takes a long time for the D, don't even tell them right away, I have seen some people who file and don't go through with it.<P>Plan A Plan A!!! You can do it. <P>Prayers are with you.

I am still trying. I don't want to look back someday and think I didn't try everything possible. (((Lonelymom))) - I have been following your threads as well. We have an awful lot in common. Thanks for your words of encouragement.<P>------------------<BR>Keridwen