OK,<P>This is a kinda weird question, and probably pretty selfish, but here goes.<P>Many of you know my story, but in a nutshell:<P>My girlfriend and I both neglected our relationship (me more than her) and it drifted away. I neglected her, and she did not communicate her feelings to me.<P>She fell out of love with me and started seeing someone else.<P>I have learned a whole lot and I am trying like hell to get her back, but I am losing the fight. She is with OM now for about two months, and we have had no contact in about a months.<P>I spoke with Jennifer Harley today who suggested I explained to ex how much I have learned and provide her with a copy of "The Four Gifts of Love".<P>I thought this was a good idea, but now I am starting to wonder,"Do I really want to educate my ex on how to have a loving realtionship, with her new boyfriend?<P>Shouldn't I just sit back and hope she makes the same mistakes with him so it ends as fast as possible? Then start the teaching. Her track record with realtionships is not that great.<P>I told you it was selfish. I feel like a jerk asking this question, but I love her and I will try anything to get another chance at making her happy. <P> <BR>

JJ;<P>Go with what J harley tells you she's the expert...<P>Are you counceling w/her????<P>Bill<P>------------------<BR>BB<BR>

J J<P>Don't want to be the bearer of bad news, but remember the source, we are talking about my H who can be the king of jerks. If you have seen my recent post today, you'll understand why.<P>He is using the techniques he is learning with his OW and tells me how "GOOD" their relationship is. How happy he is and how he is more educated this time around. (loser).<P>I don't know your W or your whole story just yet. But it did backfire on me. SO H says thank you to me. What a loser. Like I said before, I don't dare tell him of this place!!!<P>Do what you feel in your heart you will be most comfortable with. I would think W and OM relationship should be failing or at a down point before you can attempt to educate her on your new changes. Why would she want to here it now if she is in that "happy in love feeling".<P>Maybe I missed it but are you on Plan B? You said no contact in a month?? I guess its the Harley's program and they know it best. Me personally I'd hold off, let the affair die a horrible death before W learns these new skills. <P>

Bill,<P>I talked to Jennifer only once today.<P>She was great. I would recommend speaking with her or Steve.<P>Lonelymom,<P>I guess I am in plan B but sort of by default. Not my choice. Do you still call it plan B when you don't decide it is plan B? Hmmmmmm?

JJ,<P>Sorry I haven't been responding as of late... Lots of stuff going on for me...<P>If your ex hasn't shown any aversion to you giving her "things"... it's OK.<P><A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi8113_ab.html" TARGET=_blank>Plan B</A> is supposed to be the <B>no contact</B> plan... but as you've said before... you may have gone there(<A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi8113_ab.html" TARGET=_blank>Plan B</A>) a bit too soon.<P>Personally, I believe going to back to a <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi8113_ab.html" TARGET=_blank>Plan A</A> is not a criminal offense... but back and forth too often is much to confusing and frustrating for everyone. If you go back to <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi8113_ab.html" TARGET=_blank>Plan A</A>... I'd say make it clear to her... you wish to try and rebuild...<P>I really understand lonelymom's concern...<BR>It is a real concern...<BR>It is a real hurt...<BR>And I don't want to minimize it... honestly. <BR>But sharing the truth... that which is presented here on the forum... in the long run... can only help...<BR><B>why???</B>....<BR>because of all truths... there is <B>one</B> overriding truth...<BR><B>To successfully get through <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi8113_ab.html" TARGET=_blank>Plan A and/or Plan B</A> you have to work on yourself... to become better</B>.<P>If our waywards "think" they made themselves <B>better</B> because of our educating them... they are kidding themselves...<BR>Better means... stopping the lies<BR>Better means... stopping the hurt<BR>Better means... accepting your faults<BR>Better means... you realize how you've broken your relationship with your God... by breaking your earthly relationship with your spouse...<BR>Better means... recognizing you did wrong... and then... come back to your "true" spouse!<P>Until then... they really aren't <B>better</B>.<P>Just a few thoughts...<P>Jim

NSR,<P>I do agree with you, but I think making an all out effort to rebuild may just push her away.<P>My counselor suggesetd very samll tokens that represnt and prove I have been listening.<P>Foe example, I send her red roses while she was trying to decide between OM and myself.<P>Later she told me her favorite rose is white. <P>So for Valentines day I thought I would send her one single white rose in a vase. Things like that.<P>I also thought a note explaining how much I have learned about making a loving realtionship and how I would like to share these things with her, if she would let me.<P>Sort of a compromise between asking for an all out commitment or telling her I want to rebuild and doing nothing.<P>At least it may get her to think about things and start to open up the channels of communication.<P>What do you think?