Wife and I have been having troubles for about 10 months now. I've been doing things to try to make them better, improving the things about myself that have been upsetting her, etc. But recently, I've discovered that she has a "friend" at work. I don't think there's anything physical going on, but I'm not sure. I've been able to get into her phone system and listen to her messages. I feel very guilty about doing this, but have been learning about the nature of their relationship. He leaves her messages almost daily describing his daily activities when they're not able to talk to one another. Recently he's been saying things about that he's been thinking about her a lot and would like to be holding her, etc. I've tried confronting her about her relationship with him without telling her exactly what I know, but she insists they're only friends. She also talks with him sometimes at night when I'm away. She continually lies about anything relating to them. When I am able to catch her in a lie, she just tells me she lied because of how I would react. I just don't think what she is doing is a normal relationship for a "friendship". Please help me. Ask question if you need more info., etc. Do I tell her I know what I do or do I try to find another way for it to expose itself? She would probably leave if she knew I was listening to her voice mail messages.<BR>

In my experience (which unfortunately parallels yours) if it looks like an affair, smells like an affair, seems like an affair...well, you get my drift.<P>They are, at the very least, having an EA (that's an Emotional Affair, I forgot you were a newbie). Since he talked about holding her, they certainly are on the road to a physical affair, if not already there.<P>BEFORE YOU DO ANYTHING, READ ALL THE MB STUFF ON INFIDELITY.<P>Then , decide what you want to be the outcome of your actions (divorce? reconciliation? separation)<P>Then, approach her with what you know. Don't be specific about the voice mails, you may want to keep listening.<P>I hope you are wrong, but I think you are looking at a physical affair in the making.<P>Liz\Pearl<P>------------------<BR><BR>"I have found the Pearl of Great Price"<BR>

When my W showed me an actual printout of emails between myself and the OW, I lied through my teeth to her. Prepare for much the same treatment, since affairs are <B>about</B> lying and deception... not about “love.” I would instead recommend looking at the links pointed out by NSR in your previous thread, and begin Plan A. You might even want to do the Emotional Needs and LoveBuster questionnaires with your W, telling her you are uncomfortable with having her needs met by anyone else, and as her husband you should be the one meeting them anyway.<P>She <B>IS</B> having an affair already.. but I’m not telling you anything you don’t already know. It may not have gotten physical yet, but the emotional connection is much more insidious and harder to get over anyway.<BR><P>------------------<BR>Resentment is like taking poison and waiting for the other person to die

I do want to work things out and we supposedly have been trying. She keeps telling me I need to back off and this will make her more interested in being around me. I've tried expressing my concern about her relationship with this OM, but she keeps contending that it's only a friendship and then she gets mad at me for accusing her of more. I know in my heart that she is becoming emotionally attached to this OM, and I'm praying that nothing physical has happened yet, but I'm not sure. We have 3 children and he supposedly has 2. I've been trying to get her to sit down and talk through things more or do some of the things mentioned out here, but keep meeting resistance. Yet, she says she wants things to work out between us. I feel like I'm starting to go nuts and have become consumed with this whole ordeal. HELP!!!<BR>

OK...obviously your W if at least having an inappropriate emotional attatchment to another man. <P>And maybe you are not helping your case by pushing this issue. Many would tell you just to drop it and work on meeting her needs. If you can, great, that may be what you should do.<P>I couldn't do that. I would need to know. Another benefit of exposing the relationship to the light of day is that the very exposure of it, changes it. So if you need to know and what you are doing is not working, try a different method.<P>Maybe your wife and you have different definitions of affair and because your wife could be in a bit of denial, she may actually believe she is innocent of what you are accusing her of.<P>Have you ever asked her what her definition of an affair is? Maybe you could agree with her that she does consider this guy a friend. If you calmly spelled out how and why this friendship makes you feel threatened in this marriage, maybe she could understand it from your point of view.<P>I don't know how you have actually confronted her, but making a person feel defensive usually does not lead to openness and honesty, even if it should.<P>You may have better luck if you make her feel completely safe. Of course then you have to follow though.<P>My whole situation came to a head in a few hours. During those hours, H tried some pretty lame denials. Luckily a little "love" note and a rival team's sweatshirt (ready in a bag to return with the receipt) was to much to deny. I knew I would do whatever it took to hold our family together. I talked in barely a whisper, I made him feel safe, I reaffirmed my love and commitment, no matter what. I outlined our options, even divorce if he was willing to accept the break-up of our family. I knew he would not, so I guess the cards were stacked in may favor. <P>Then he spilled, somewhat. Although it was less than complete and tidy, it allowed the ugly truth to be exposed. It made him feel shameful and cemented the idea it had to end.<P>He has always maintained it had not yet become physical and I am inclined from tidbits here and there he is telling the truth.<P>As time went on, he saw his actions more and more inappropriate and felt more and more remorse. So it had a happy ending.<P>I guess what I am saying. If what you are doing isn't working, try something else. Figure out what you need to know and can live without knowing. Try to let your wife define the relationship and let her know why you feel threatened.<P>She may be touched you care that much. She may think you don't. Who knows?<P>Welcome. I hope you will find the support you need.<P><P>------------------<BR>Faith, Hope, Love Remain,<BR>but the greatest of these is Love.<BR>1 Corinthians 13:13

WannaMakeItWork--<P>I don't want to get you depressed, but it sounds like an EA all the way. Try going back and reading other threads regarding "Emotional Affairs", "Other Sex Friendships", and "Working with the OP". All offer perspectives from both "sides" of the relationship.<P>Above all, if you seem to feel there are problems in your relationship, act in a proactive manner. Seek counseling, or some avenue to open up the channels of communication. It's not easy to do, but it'll be a LOT tougher if you wait and problems continue to grow.<P>Good luck!<P>--keystone