Hello all. I've been lurking as of late, plus have really never posted that much to begin with. Just click on my sunglasses and you'll get the whole story. <P>Anyways...I have a question. Well, first - a bit of background - H had an affair, OW sent a letter to me in the mail pretending to be her H to "let me know about the affair". Nice, huh? Can we say, wacko? The letter - I confronted him about it, and he admitted to it, after about 2 hours.<P>H is an alcoholic. We have been in counseling now (today will be our third time). D-day was Jan. 20th. He's already done a no contact "call" -- he didn't even want to do that, but she called him. And has had all his numbers changed - his boss knows everything too. H quit drinking because he knew this was the cause of all our problems. Why is it that it's always almost too late when they find these things out? <P>Anyways - I know I'm rambling...I'll get to it. He was asked by our counselor to make a list of occasions he remembers hurting (not physically) me or disappointing me because of his drinking. He made this list of like five things. Basically - summarizing. I told him, I think she is looking for more specifics. <P>He told me he doesn't remember specifics. I'll bring something up, and that's what triggers the memory for him. <P>I feel that he's just not trying hard enough. He wants this marriage and his sobriety to work more than anything. But, it's almost as if he's afraid to really see what he's been doing to me the past 8 years. <P>This is what I'm asking is normal. We were progressing along really well, then all of a sudden, it seems to be REALLY slowing down. I know we're not always going to be gunho about it all the time, but I almost feel like there's a bit of a slip of motivation. <P>Any advice would be great. I'm wondering if I should start my own list and take that to the counselor. Maybe it would jar his memory - or maybe it would just make him mad. I'm not sure. <P>We're on a roll, and I just want it to keep going. I'm just afraid I'm going to LB. I can already feel the resentment building up behind the ol' rib cage... <P>Thanks for reading. I appreciate it. Advice on this would be great if you could give it. Or maybe a similar circumstance would be good too.<P>purplemag

I have not been in a situation like this, so I can't really tell you for sure if this is "normal" or not - but I guess I sorta feel like focusing on whether this is "normal" or not may not be real healthy either :-(.<P>It sounds like you both are really taking good strides to make things work - but I am sure it is/can be a real roller coaster ride. I can only try to put myself in your H's shoes, and I can tell you that trying to come up with specific situations where I hurt my wife woudl be very painful for me to do - as it would be reliving those things in a "sober" light and seeing how much pain I caused - you know your H better than anyone - only he knows if this is the reason he can't "remember" those incidents.<P>I am not a counselor, so I would certainly suggest you keep following the advice of him/her first of all, but I would tend to agree with you that your making a list of all the things he did to dissapoint you woudl likely not be a very good thing to do - I know if I were him and already feeling guilty, seeing an extensive list like that would either cause me so much pain I would withdraw, or I would naturally become very defensive and angry - not saying that is right, but that would be my natural reactions.<P>I think the fact that he can see general situations where he upset and/or disappointed you shoudl be considered a pretty good first step for him - it may well be his way of slowly admitting his failures to you as well as himself. If he truly knows the pain he caused you, I am sure there is a greatv deal of guilt, shame and embarrasment in him - it is sometimes hard to confront those feelings - take his general situations as a good first step and just keep following your counselor's advice.<P>I am sure that roller coaster feelings and steps in situations like yours are normal - doesn't mean they are easy to deal with or not painful, but as long as you are both still traveling down the same road, try not to let it bother you too much that the speed has slowed. His 8 years of making a mess of everything won't get fixed in 3 counseling sessions - have hope and keep working and supporting each other and stay on the path :-).<P>Best wishes to you!

Purplemag,<BR>Is it possible that your H doesn't remember a lot of the times that he hurt you? I think it is since he was an active alcoholic. <P>My H is also an alcoholic and honestly doesn't remember some of the things he has said and done over the years. Alcohol does kill brain cells and there's also the black outs. <P>Try to give him the benefit of the doubt and talk to your counselor about this.<P>Good luck,<BR>Mitzi

PS and Mitzi:<P>Thanks SO much for responding! I really appreciate it! We just got back from our counseling session and although I felt anger, it was very good.<P>I did write my own list. I just had to get it out. I felt so much better letting it go. And that's what I feel I did. I let it all out and now it's off my shoulders.<P>Our counselor appreciated the effort on both our parts, and said it was a good thing. My H wasn't offended, mad, or hurt by anything that was on the list. He understands what's happened over the past 8 years and also recent events. <P>He doesn't "remember" specifics, but if they are brought up to them, he can recount them like it was yesterday, only he's seeing them in a REALLY different light now. <P>As the counselor said, and as I assumed, it's the fact that he's not "had" to deal with emotions and life in general until now. He's always dulled it with the alcohol. He's used to doing that, but realizes he needs to let this stuff out for his own well being and for our relationship to work. <P>I believe there's a good man in there somewhere. I wouldn't have married him if I didn't think it'd someday come out. I'm just glad it's sooner rather than later.<P>Mitzi - I've been keeping up with your posts as well as "Alcoholic's Wife". It gives me a lot of insight as to what others have experienced. I hate the fact that we have to go through this, but it's nice to have the support.<P>Thank you both for your wise words of wisdom. I so very much appreciate it.<P>THANK YOU!!!<P>

Purplemag,<P>I have had an alcholism problem myself, and just wanted to caution you about something. I felt that our marriage problems were also due to my drinking problem, quit drinking and figured things would be fine. They weren't, my wife still didn't like me and went out and had another affair. I know of other alcholics that thought their marriage problems would go away after the drinking stopped, but they didn't. The problems your husband brings into the marriage are likely due to some personality problems he has, and that is likely what caused him to drink. For me, I have alway had a fear of being open/intimate with people and avoiding communicating with my wife. Drinking was my way of coping with this fear. Because your husband has quit drinking doesn't necessaryily mean his problems will go away. I also don't think that it is fair to blame all your problems on your husband. Although I take full responsibility for my problems, my wife was also responsible for 50% of the problems in our marriage, she stayed in our marriage during my drinking, and brought some personality problems of her own into the marriage. I can work on changing myself, but if she doesn't take responsiblilty for her problems, their will still be problems in our marriage. <P>Anyway, just wanted to bounce this off you. Good luck and it sounds like your on the right road to making things better.<P>TimJ

TimJ:<P>Thanks for the insight. We have found a counselor who deals with addiction problems as well as being a marriage counselor. It's nice having someone "all rolled up into one" so to speak. <P>Even though we've only been the counselor three times, it really has opened up our eyes as to what the drinking has cloaked and what we need to work on.<P>I do not blame my husband 100% for all the problems, however, he has admitted (looking back on everything) and me too looking back, that the drinking caused most of our fights. We were happy and had great times when there wasn't alcohol involved. I felt like I could be myself when he wasn't drinking. My guard went up when he was. <P>He's dealing with the reasons why he drank and what he was trying to cover up.<P>As like you, he never was a good communicator regarding feelings and talking about those kinds of things with me or his family and friends.<P>He actually has made a lunch date with his mother today to talk to her about what is going on and to apologize for his actions and ask for her support. <P>There's much more to why he drank... his father was killed in a car accident when he was 17 and that started it. It just never stopped.<P>How he learned to deal with that pain and anguish was through drinking and drugs. Although drugs are really not part of his life anymore.<P>Yesterday's session at the conselor's was very good for both of us. I expressed my concerns about what I was venting about in my original post. With just me telling him, we both opened up, and the resentment started to dissapate. <P>We both want our marriage to work. H is "very excited about finding out who is really is." He was very scared in the beginning, said "I can't believe I lived 34 years of my life without knowing who I am." <P>I am here for him 100%. As he is also for me. I never said I was perfect. And I never said that all the blame is on him. I apologize if that's the way I made it seem.<P>He's a good guy. I'm a good person too. We both are taking responsibility for what has happened, even though my husband would like to take full blame.<P>He already said to me, that after his "awakening" he realized that everything he ever needed, and wanted, have been here the whole time. Which I feel to believe is true. I am a caretaker. That's what I brought to this marriage. And I think that enabled him to do what he did.<P>We're both working really hard, and to tell you the truth, this marriage has never been better. We talk constantly, even about everyday things, which we never used to do. I tried, but he was usually drunk, and that was a turnoff for me.<P>People ask me why I"ve stayed so long, I was actually wondering that myself, but I know that under all the problems and alcohol addiction, I married a wonderful man. It's just his turn now to find that out.<P>Again, I really appreciate your response. Every little bit of information helps me to analyze (which, is another one of my "downfalls" I brought to this marriage) our situation.<P>TimJ, thank you!

Purplemag,<P>Sounds like you two are dealing with your problems in a healthy manner. I wish my wife and I had done the same. Good luck to you both.<P>TimJ

Hi purple mag, <P>I tried to reply yesterday but it must not have worked. I can't help you on a lot of your questions, but I can give you a link to a website for a gentlemen named John (not the same one that is in my prayer request) that runs this site. He has extensive experience in addictions.<BR> <A HREF="http://johnrecover.faithweb.com/" TARGET=_blank>http://johnrecover.faithweb.com/</A> <P>I have talked to him personally and he can be helpful.<P>Also, on your husband's behalf, I grew up in a family with severe alcoholism. I mean bad. There are SO many things, that to this day my dad does not remember. It is so hurtful to me that he could do such things, and have no clue. It almost doesn't seem fair. But your H may be tellng the God's Honest Truth. I know as a child growing up, this is a horrifying experience. Do you have kids? I have had a lot of problems accepting my H's going out to bars because I didn't want him to turn into my dad. If you have kids, make sure they get help because no one got it for me and as an adult, I am learning that things I do now, are a direct result of that nightmare.<P>I wish you and H the best in your counseling and good luck with it all!<P>

Hi Purplemag,<P>My H is a recovering alcoholic. However, he hasn't been sober for a year yet.<P>If you want to read my story (it's a short one), then just "click" on to the sunglasses.<P>Anyway, as far as the forgetfulness. Yes, I agree, as with Mitzi...that alcoholics have "black outs" and memory loss. My H can't remember a lot of things. Brain tissue/memory is lost from the result of alcohol abuse.<P>We went to therapy and it seems that he was honest with about everything when we were in counseling. There are questions, on my part....but he says that he just can't remember.<P>It's pretty scary, but I think that it is common, among alcoholics.

Lonelymom:<P>Thank you for your support. I've been keeping tabs on most of your posts, and I really feel for you and what you've been going through. I can't imagine. I appreciate so much that you've taken the time out to give me some info on who/what can help. You are a strong person (and by the way, we have the same first name!) so you have to be a wonderful person too! <P>NoTrust:<P>Your story and mine mirror themselves. I can't believe it. My H's A was going on for 2 months and also ended upon discovery. The freak OW sent a letter to my house pretending it was her H who was "letting me know about the affair". Some people. I just don't get it. Anyways, thank you, too, for your support. <P>The counseling has helped immensely. Even though it has only been three times, I also think this website has been a TREMENDOUS help. I can't believe how far both of us have come (me and the H) in such a short amount of time. It hasn't even been a month yet from d-day. <P>As I finish one of Harley's books, he starts it. He keeps a journal, and he actually goes to school with me because he says he doesn't want my mind wondering what he's doing while I'm away from home.<P>The blackouts...it's hard to say, because 99% of the time, "the day after" a party or whatever, he's remembered everything. It's the long term stuff... he'll only remember it if he's reminded of it.<P>He even asked me after one of the therapy sessions if I thought he'd ever get his memory back. I can tell it really bothers him that he can't remember things. Even day-to-day stuff, it gets under his skin that he can't remember. <P>He's been sober now for only three weeks, but he says it's been the best three weeks of his life. I hope this trend continues. I really do.<P>Thank you both for your concern and support. It is so very much appreciated. <P>NoTrust if you ever feel like going into more detail or chatting about issues, my email is purplemag@aol.com. It's a horrible thing to say, but I'm glad there's people who know what I'm going through. It makes it easier.<P>Thank you!!!<BR>Purplemag