OK, so I just took the redeye back from Maui. I went to Maui with my H because last week he begged, cried and cut off his relationship with the OW. He was soo affectionate on the plane. Touching me, telling me how he loves me...once we landed the dark H appeared. He became cold and non-interactive. He is suffering from impotence. And I have done some reading on it... for those of you who know. Does this mean he has no sexual or intimate feelings. In the three days of hell that I endured over there he never once asked for a kiss, held me or told me he loved me. He slept in my bed and was cold. So I asked him about it. I was tired of the rejection. He told me that he is a shell and he has no emotions towards me. (funny he showed enough to convince me to go and then get on a plane) I got suspicious that maybe he had gotten in contact with the OW and looked through his palm pilot and even called his work voice mail (amazing how resourceful we can be) she had told him in a voice message last week that she was going to let him decide, today I checked it and she had called again..I am wondering if he has gotten in contact with her while resting on the beaches of Maui. <P>So can impotence cause this type of behvior? Any men out there that experienced it. It seems to me that when he is around me for a period of time he shuts down. Becomes cold...but as soon as we are apart he calls and begs for forgiveness. <BR>He told me he wanted some time apart. When I asked what that ment he said just until the end of the trip...Sunday he get's in. <P>What is going on here? He isn't filling my love bank, and I am so desperately trying to fill his. <P>Help!

Cpickel<P>Are you in recovery stages right now? I am not anywhere near this. I am quite sure that one of the symptoms of withdrawal from an affair partner, is being unable to perform with the spouse. I would question if the affair was strictly emotional, if he is unable to perform. He could be avoiding the contact with you because it hurts him to know that he can't complete what he started. And avoiding you is easier. Has all ties been cut from OW?? I am sure the men out there can answer a much more detailed answer. I know I read this somewhere these past few days. If you don't get a lot of replies right away, check under the Recovery section. When I get time, I will look around, and if I find it, I will send you the info I find.

I think impotence is a result of his conflicted feelings. And yes, an EA can result in this...a lot of sexual "performance " happens in the mind and heart...

Cpickel,<P>My husband started his impotence with me after he had the first trip with OW. He declared later that they only have kissing and not physical during that time. However, the guilt and pressure to perform just ate him up. <P>IMHO, your husband is still in the withdrawal. He probably will have a hard time to perform if he is still struggling with his feelings toward OW.

He's only temporarily "impotent" because of the EA situation. Sounds like he's still deciding to end it. <P>That's OK, and probably good if you can handle his up and down rollercoaster (off again/on again) antics until he's finally actually off of her. Some people never actually make it to this stage - so as hard as it is, please try to be encouraged.<P>I think he needs you to be his best friend right now. Sleep with him, hold him if he lets you, and listen, listen, listen to whatever he wants to say, whenever he wants to say it - even if it hurts you to hear it. He just needs to talk, not much of it will be real or lasting in the long run.<P>Now, all of this is easy to say - damned hard to do. Yet, from everything I've read, it is the only way to get your relationship back on track. I'm forcing myself to do it - one day at a time, baby steps, never pressuring her, questioning anything, or clinging. Let the EA die a natural death.<P>My goodness how many times each day do I tell myself that in order to totally stay out of it - for the sake of a long-term happy marriage.<P>SamH<BR>

My H was like that a couple of years ago, and I finally figured out that there was somebody else. I never did catch him, and he hasn't admitted it, but I do have a good idea who the OW was. I finally confronted him, and I believe that he broke off with her upon confrontation. The problems continued for a while, but things are back to normal now.<BR>We went to a big Christmas party in 1998, and checked into a motel afterward for a romantic night. The big jerk went to sleep on me, and I threw a hissy fit---threw all the "toys" and stuff across the room. After that, I decided to give him a dose of his own medicine. I started going out when he wasn't home...and I let him think I was going out to clubs and bars. In truth, I usually just rode around for a while, went to visit a girlfriend, and would make an appearance at the local bar (supposedly on my way "somewhere" or on my way home). If I went home early, I stayed offline and didn't answer the phone. He didn't like the idea of my going out to bars alone.<P>Anyway, I've mostly Plan A'd for the past two years, with the occasional hissy fit thrown in....and surprisingly, I got pretty good results from my fits, but I probably wouldn't have if I hadn't been Plan A-ing so much.<P>Hang in there! Don't put too much pressure on him to perform. Just work on yourself for you.

Oh, yeah...and if you talk to anybody about the trip, don't let on that you were disappointed...let word get back to the OW about how romantic the whole trip was.... Let <B>her</B> do a little lovebusting!