Dear friends: It has been a while since I last posted. Right before the holidays. Alot has happened since then. I have been struggling with extreme depression. I have done my best to cover it up so my family wouldn't see how sad I have been. My spouse and I have been working on our marriage a step at a time, but my heart still aches. I am fighting a battle within myself. I continue to increase my exercise time to help me cope, but my kids, who are grown still need my time. After Christmas, I put in a request for a gun permit. It takes five days in our state for the police to do a thorough check. In the meantime, I found the gun I am planning to buy. It's a 37 magnum. I am slowly cleaning my shower so that the tape will stick to the tile when I put the plastic up without all that stuff that would prevent it from sticking. I have mentioned in my earlier posts, that I have been cleaning my house, getting rid of old junk little by little. Well, I am still doing that trying to take as much time as possible to help me survive alittle bit longer. I have not picked up the permit yet, but I do know that I have been approved. I just need to pay the fee. As time goes by, my feelings continue to deaden. My mother told me that people who commit suicide go to hell. I refuse to believe it. I feel that at times, I am going through hell just dealing with my head. I am not asking for help other than just a listening ear. I have spoke to a counselor and my spouse now knows. My paranoia is taking over and I believe that the only reason my spouse is being nice to me is so that I don't go through with it and his feelings are not from the heart. I feel myself drifting further and further away from caring for my life. I will continue to pray not for myself, but for my family. My love to you all.

I don't know what else to say, except PLEASE HOLD ON. The pain is deep and I may not know what you are feeling right now. But I PROMISE you that time will help. I remember your name from before. PLEASE just keep talking and talking, you may not feel like doing cartwheels, but soon, you will look back on this time and wonder how you could have believed life was so bad. Are you on an medications? Are you seeing/talking to a psychiatrist? Just keep talking, people ARE listening and hearing you.

Oh hon, I know exactly how you feel. Please hang in there. Everyone here can help you. Don't pick up the permit for the gun. Go to a hospital now, please!!! You can email me if you want<BR>mitzihartman@webtv.net<BR>I am around all the time.<P>I'm praying for you,<BR>Mitzi

sobeit:<P>I am pretty new to this site, so I don't know your whole story. When I read this, it made my heart jump.<P>Please do not do what you are contemplating. Talk to your therapist. Talk to your family. Talk to your kids. I don't know the feelings you are experiencing now, but please, please, hang in there. For your sake and the children and for your family. But especially for you.<P>As trying2_4give says, please keep talking and talking. Time does help. It does heal wounds. <P>We are all here for you. We're listening. We're here for support.

Sobeit,<P>The one thing I have learned through all of this is, I am a better person...<P>If you inventory yourself I am quite certain the same is true for you...<P>I have felt the desperation you are feeling...it's natural...<P>Have you sought ant counceling???<BR>Have you tried any anti-dep meds???<P>Both have been benifcial for me to maintain my sanity...<P>Have you told your children of your feelings...<P>You are much stronger than you will ever know...<P>When I feel week I draw strenght from my D, S, SIL, other family members, and my friends on these boards...<P>Hang on...I promise these feelings will pass...All feelings do...<P>Bill<P>------------------<BR>BB<BR>

{{{{{Sobeit}}}}}<P>Suicidality is a medical condition in and of itself...that is the new belief by many psychiatric professionals. Please, please, please...go to a counselor, a doctor, anyone...you can be treated for suicidality. In fact it is now (in some circles) called penacide. There are many websites available to people who are suicidal. Please check them out. In fact here is a good one.<BR> <A HREF="http://www.psycom.net/depression.central.suicide.html" TARGET=_blank>http://www.psycom.net/depression.central.suicide.html</A> <P>I wasn't sure how to link it, so I had to paste it. Please go there and read the things there. I too have been suicidal for great lengths of time before. On my meds I am so much better. You can be too. The Mother holds you in the palm of her hand.<P><P>------------------<BR>Blessed be.<BR>****************<BR>Keridwen<P>Keridwen_7@yahoo.com

Sobeit,<P>Get to another Dr. fast! You proabaly need to change your Meds.<P>Stop, slow down, and think. I know things are bad, but what you are contemplating is not the answer.<P>As you said, your family needs you. And we all need you. It's great to feel needed. Why not volunteer some time with needy kids or the elderly? But above all get some help.<P>What does your counselor say?<P>Please call a suicide prevention hotline. These people are experts.<P>PLease take care, and know we all need you.<P>

I haven't read your profile sweety but I can certainly relate to what you are feeling. I have had that thought many times. Even if you don't think there is a reason to remain here - YOUR WRONG. God has a reason for us all being here. There is something wonderful you will do with your life besides being a mom and one day a grandmother. Maybe someday you can help someone else going through this same thing. PLEASE DON'T - HANG ON. You say your praying for your kids - pray for yourself. Know that YOU CAN DO ALL THINGS THROUGH CHRIST. I'm frantic because I know how you feel but please hang on. Be selfish- go do something solely for yourself. Even though we don't know why god has a reason for everything. Maybe it' to make us stonger - maybe it's to help someone else. Don't deprive yourself of knowing what your purpose is. PLEASE. If you want my e-mail address just say so. I'll be here anytime you need me. LOVE AND PRAYERS! <P>------------------<BR>

Well, not exactly my idea of the way to go, it was more like taking alot of pills and a nice warm bath and going to sleep for a very long time. You need as much help as I did. Who cares what your mother thinks, you need to talk with someone else, Dear. I know, I've been there. Imagined what would happen once I was gone and thought about not seeing my kids or grandkids......think about this, you have something important to give to them. It's time to admit to ANYONE that you have these thoughts and get some help. I can tell you that once I got help I was ok, but I needed to figure out that these thoughts aren't NORMAL, they are a part of this disease called depression. It sounds like you've hit the clinical one, that's where I was. My H couldn't believe how many times I had attempted this when he finally figured out where my head was. It's surprising the things you say to people and they don't pick up on them, isn't it?<BR>Do this, take a deep breath, and then call someone, ANYONE, and say that you think you need to talk......then talk, talk some more and find out that this could be as simple as a chemical inbalance. Depression is nothing to fool around with.<BR>I am praying for you. Know that we care, God Bless! <P>------------------<BR>Chick's <BR>Bren<P>You won't see things until your ready to not be blind!

sobeit,<P>Please do something for your family and us here...do NOT get the gun. Please realize what suicide does, it leaves devastation to all. You are loved by many, and there IS help for you (meds, time, love of friends and family, doctors who can help). You have a network of people here who care about you too! You are suffering from horrible depression, and need help (I sought help, and am so much better for it, please call crises intervention, anything to take the focus off of this) There is so much to be thankful for! Please don't do this...<P>Everyone here cares, talk to us.

Oh Sobeit - Please try to be strong!! Do whatever you have to do to find that strength to keep yourself alive!!! Talk to a pastor or friend, read the bible, listen to uplifting music, run outside and scream and yell - whatever you can find to do to get that strength you need to survive!!!<P>I have thought of suicide before, and my religious beliefs are the same as your mothers - even thinking that way I have come close on a couple occassions to wanting to end it all anyways. I know the relief is tantilizing and makes you think it will be the best thing for everyone if you were gone - but it is only a temptation and a delusion! What stopped me were several things - 1) My religious beliefs surrounding death by suicide 2) I knew in my own mind that suicide was the easy way out (just how I felt about it) - it didn't require strength to follow through, it would have been easy - and I didn't want to think of myself as a quitter 3) I didn't want to be selfish and do something without thinking about other people around me - friends and family.<P>I don't know anything about your situation at all, but I am thorougly convinced that we are all here for a purpose, and until God wants us to come to him (and he shoudl be the one to control that time) we have something to give. One of the things you can give is by surviving this and working hard to give strength, advice and help others who down the road may feel they want to die too. I can see you someday posting here with your story of strength and survival and helping a young person confused and hurt to live and become the wonderful person they can be!!<P>Ultimatley each person does what they feel is the best thing to do - but I can tell you that in those times I wanted to die, I was horribly depressed and felt so alone - you are not alone - you have people here who care about you and want to help you.<P>Tell us what we can do for you and we will do whatever we all can!!!<P>"The sky has to darken before you can see stars" - my W told me that the other day while we are having problems, and it sticks in my mind - things may get terrible and unbearable, but there is hope and there is love, and you will find it all again if you can just be strong!!!<P>Find a good therapist to talk to - I finally went to one after being depressed ever since I can remember - not wanting to get up in the morning etc... I didn't think anything would help - after a few months of talking to a therapist and trying different meds I finally feel human again - I didn't think I could ever feel this way!<P>Give it a chance - it is not an embarrasing thing or shameful thing to go to get help - that's what stopped me for so long - but now I know that when you have a broken bone you go to the doctor - when you have a broken spirit or heart or whatever emotional thing - you can go to a doctor too.<P>Please be strong - post here again and we will all listen and try to lift your spirits.<P>Don't go get the permit, and get rid of the gun - you have so much to offer - you really do!!!<P>Praying for you!!

Sobeit,<P>I too, know the pain you are feeling. My life has been up and down so many times in six weeks, I can't count. In the beginning of my ordeal, I felt just as you do now. I know how bad the pain feels, but you will get better. You can and will. Please go to a doctor right away. I know you can get through this and we are all here for you. Please talk to us and let us know you are still here and ok. I am sure there are many concerned people waiting for your reply. You can email me also if needed, just let me know and I will put up my address. Please reply soon. DO you have Lifeline in your area? <P>My prayers are with you and I am saying a special one right now.<P>Dana<BR>

I do not know about heaven or hell...<P>I do not know about eternal damnation or salvation....<P>I do know that you think that a gun in the shower will end your pain....<P>but it will only be the start of ALL the pain for those who care for you....<P>think very hard about those you leave behind...<P>those who will TORMENT THEMSELVES FOR THE REST OF THEIR VERY LIVES....wondering if they could have helped, if they could have stopped you...<P>Once upon a time, shortly after discovering my husbands affair, and deeply into a depression, I took a bath....a nice, long, hot bath....and I went under.......<P>and I stopped for a moment, still under the water, and realized how very easy it would be....and that I wouldn't hurt anymore...<P>and I wouldn't hurt those around me anymore with my depression, bad moods, and general unhappiness....<P>I know your children are grown, mine is not....I fast forwarded to the future, picturing my son at graduation, his wedding, my grandchildren, my husband, and I realized that I mattered more than the pain....that the things I would miss; the sunsets, the rainbows, the winter-white skies, the rain storms, the hugs, the laughter of my child, the love that is in the world....all mattered to me....<P><BR>life is hard....I was not going to take the easy way out and leave a legacy of pain and bereavement behind me.....<P>I am responsible for feeling my pain.....<P>but I CANNOT and WILL NOT be responsible for causing pain to those I love...<P>I have never had much self-worth, self-love, or self-esteem....<P>but in the blink of an eye, I realized that I might be needed....perhaps even by someone I had not even met yet....<P>and then I remembered that someone on this very board told me that I made a difference in her life.....that the very fact that I existed and extended a hand in friendship...even through my pain....had changed her and for the better....and I realized that I had touched a human being....I would not have the opportunity to ever do that again if I stayed under....<P><BR>I am worth more than that.<P>so are you.<P><BR>I came up for air.....<P><BR>Dylan

Sobeit,<P>Please don't do anything to hurt you. I too have been at the point of wanting to just make the pain stop. It sounds like that is what you want, to stop hurting. <P>This is not the way to stop hurting, it will only spread the pain to others, people who you have tried to protect will be crushed.<P>You love your children that much is clear. Please stop and think what this would do to them. My first h killed himself, and the guilt almost drove me insane. Believe me, no matter what happens your children will be destroyed if you do this.<P>Please don't do it, I know you hurt and things are hard for you right now, I agree you need to see a doctor right away.<P>We are praying for you and your family. But you are our #1 concern right now.<P>email me if you want.<P>dkohb@yahoo.com <P> <P>------------------<BR>Just call me - Deb<BR>------------------------<BR>The only day I can do anything about is today, yesterday is gone, tomorrow is not yet mine.<P>

Sobeit - You posted here today for a reason - somewhere inside you there is a tremendous struggle going on - one part of you wants to just end things - but there is a part that wants to reach out for help too - that is the part that sent you here today - we can all feel you reaching out for support, comfort and love - we can see you struggling, but none of us are there by your side in body to help you, but you better realize that within a few minutes you had a dozen people who care about you suddenly appear by your side in "spirit." <P>You DO have things to give to others - read these posts and you will see what we mean - cry all you want to and all you can - but don't you give up!!! We all are waiting so hard for you to respond to these posts - we want to know that we can help convince you that you are a worthwhile person and have something to give!!! You do!!! Honest!!<P>Please post here for us, for your family and most of all for you!!!<P>Call a crisis hotline and get help - we will all be so proud of you and you can tell us all how to find the strength to carry on and become that special person that is inside us all - help us help you!!!<P>Please post when you can!!!

Sobeit, Please listen to all who are posting here. <P>You may think that this is the only way to make the pain stop, but it is a deceiver who is talking in your ear right now. I, like many others here know his voice all too well. But he only wants to leave devastation and destruction everywhere he goes and he is using you as the tool. <P>If you can not hold on to save your self, hold on to save all of those around you. How do you think that all of those who love you will be able to survive this?<P>I have had a couple of very dark nights like this, when I was off of my medication, and feeling my lowest, but the images of my wife and my children and other loved ones and how much more pain that I would inflict on them kept coming into my head. I prayed very hard for God to save me, and he has, and he will save you to. Allow him to comfort you.<P>Don't buy the permit. Get with someone, anyone, a friend, a counselor, your pastor, a loved one and talk through this. Do not be by yourself, especially at night. Try to stay away from any situation where you will feel compelled to take a drastic step. <P>It is not whether you will go to hell, but that God says that you belong to him. He wants you to be healthy and happy. He loves you. Be strong for your children and family. <P>There are many people who are praying for you right now.<P>

I haven't been posting in a while, there's no point in my case. A few of you know that I am a suicide survivor, not my choice, I am just a terrible shot. Don't do it. Get help, you have no idea how many people you will hurt....they (friends, family, children) will blame themselves....you will ruin there lives not just your own.<P>And if you are really unlucky you will end up like me. No wife. No Kids. No job. Disabled.

Dear friends: Thank you all very much for your words of kindness and support. Yes, I am here for a reason. I came here because in some strange way I am needing your help even though my head tells me that it's time to go. I have been through numerous counselors, medication, hospital stays over the past 20 years and to no avail. I feel like this is the final answer. I am struggling to survive. I want to live, but my inner battles are becoming too much to bear. I have ruined not only my own life, but my spouse's. I have been a betrayer most of my married life because of my inability to feel loved. I don't trust many people. In fact I hardly trust anyone. The only reason I trust you all is because you don't know who I am and you are non judgemental. For this I am greatful. I am paranoid of what people are saying. I have fallen in love with a man that I have only known for a few short years, but have known who he is and kept him in my heart for the past 25 years.(long story) I almost ruined his life as well. In addition to my bulimia, obsessive-compulsive disorder, adult who was raped as a child and lived with numerous relatives as a child, I should be happy to be alive and say I survived it, but I am not.<BR>I am taking each day one step at a time. I give thanks when I have made it through the day. As I said before, I want to live, but my will is becoming less and less. I am afraid because the day may come when I simply won't care and my mind will become detached and I will leave. I will be leaving in a few minutes to go home. I will be back Monday if I am well and I will touch base with you then. Until then, thank you, all of you are in my thoughts and prayers because you have gone through pain and are still here. Maybe you all will be my strength. My love to you

Oh my dear Sobeit, listen to all these people. Many of us have had the same thoughts as you, certainly me. Please hang on, please post tomorrow, and the next day, and the next, and tell us you are feeling better.<P>A very good friend of mine committed suicide 20 years ago, I still cry about it now, and I am not a big cryer. To the day I die (of old age I surely hope) I will wonder if I could have done something, said something, been something that would have made a difference. This is the legacy you will leave to all those close to you, and to those of us who know you through screens.<P>Don't hurt yourself, don't hurt others, get help and get it as fast as you can.<P>Please do this.

I posted a reply and don't know where it went, sometimes my ISP does funny things.<P>Please my dear Sobeit, tell us all you are<BR>"still here", lots of people are worried about you.