HI, I HAVE BEEN MARRIED FOR ALMOST 2 YEARS. I LIVED WITH MY HUSBAND FOR A YEAR PRIOR TO OUR MARRIAGE. OUR PROBLEMS STARTED ABOUT A MONTH AFTER WE MOVED TOGETHER AND YES I STILL MARRIED HIM. JUST TO GIVE A LITTLE HISTORY ABOUT MY HUSBAND. HIS MOTHER DIED WHEN HE WAS A BABY AND HE WAS PASSED AROUND THROUGH HIS FAMILY FOR A FEW YEARS WHILE HIS FATHER WORKED. EVENTUALLY HIS FATHER REMARRIED SOMEONE WHO TURNED OUT TO BE WORST THAN CINDERELLAS STEP MOM. MY POINT IS THAT THERE HAS NEVER BEEN A WOMAN IN HIS LIFE THAT HE HAS GROWN TO CHERISH. THERE ARE WOMAN IN HIS LIFE THAT HAVE BECOME FAMILY TO HIM BUT HE KEEPS THEM AT A DISTANCE WHEN IT COMES TO REALLY PERSONAL MATTERS. (THESE WOMEN ARE NOT JUST FEMALE FRIENDS BUT 2 WOMEN THAT HAVE BROUGHT HIM INTO THEIR LIFE AS A BROTHER & SON). BACK TO MY STORY, IN THE BEGINNING OF OUR RELATIONSHIP, HE WAS SO CLOSE TO PERFECT HIS FLAWS WERE EASY TO ACCEPT AS HUMAN NATURE. HE HAS WORKED VERY HARD ALL OF HIS LIFE, HE IS VERY INTELLIGENT, HE HAS A GREAT SENSE OF HUMOR AND IS ALSO VERY ATTRACTIVE. HE HAS ONLY BEEN IN ONE SERIOUS RELATIONSHIP BEFORE THIS ONE IN WHICH A CHILD WAS BORN. ONE MONTH AFTER WE MOVED TOGETHER HE FOUND OUT THAT 5 YEARS OF LOVING AND PROVIDING FOR A CHILD THAT HE THOUGHT WAS HIS WAS A LIE. THIS WAS 3 YEARS AGO AND THE HURT HE EXPERIENCED HAS CHANGED HIS PERSONALITY SO MUCH I AM AFRAID IT IS PERMANANT DAMAGE. ALTHOUGH HE KNOWS I TRULY LOVE HIM I THINK HE IS UNABLE TO COMPLETELY GIVE HIMSELF TO ME. OKAY NOW THAT YOU UNDERSTAND HIM A LITTLE LET ME EXPLAIN MY ISSUES WITH OUR RELATIONSHIP. THROUGHOUT THE PAST 3 YEARS OUR SEX LIFE IS CLOSE TO NONEXISTANCE. THIS IS A MAJOR CONCERN TO ME. I BELIEVE SEX AND INTIMACY IS A MAJOR PART OF A RELATIONSHIP. HE FEELS OUR LIVES ARE TO BUSY TO BE THAT CONCERNED WITH MAKING LOVE. BECAUSE WE ESTABLISHED A STRONG FRIENDSHIP IN THE BEGINNING OF OUR RELATIONSHIP MOST OF THE TIME I FEEL LIKE WE ARE ROOMATES. I HAVE EXPRESSED MY CONCERN TO HIM SEVERAL TIMES. I HAVE LET HIM KNOW THAT HIS LACK OFINTEREST IN MY INTIMATELY MAKES ME FEEL UNLOVED AND IS VERY HARD FOR ME TO HANDLE. WE TALK AND HE PROMISES TO TRY TO BE MORE ATTENTIVE TO MY NEEDS AND NORMALLY THIS LASTS A MAXIMUM OF 2 WEEKS. I ACCUSE HIM A LOT OF BEING INTERESTED IN SOMEONE ELSE. I KNOW THIS IS WRONG AND IN MY HEART I DON'T BELIEVE HE WOULD DO THAT BUT I ALSO DON'T WANT TO BE NAIVE. I DO NOT UNDERSTAND HOW A MAN IN HIS EARLY 30'S CAN HAVE SUCH A LOW SEX DRIVE. HE SAYS I AM THE BEST IN BED THAT HE HAS EVER HAD AND WHEN WE ARE INTIMATE I AM SURE HE IS SATISFIED. ANOTHER AREA THAT CAUSES CONFUSION IS THAT WE WERE RAISED IN OPPOSITE SETTINGS. I WAS RAISED IN A CLEAVER HOME WHERE CERTAIN THINGS ABOUT MARRIAGE WE JUST A GIVEN. HE KNOWS NOTHING ABOUT THIS AND IS VERY INSECURE ABOUT MAKING CERTAIN CHANGES. HE HAS LIVED ON HIS OWN SINCE 17 AND HAS ESTABLISHED CERTAIN PATTERNS THAT HE IS UNCOMFORTABLE CHANGING. FOR AN EXAMPLE, FINANCES. HE DOES NOT UNDERSTAND WHY WE SHOULD COMBINE OUR BANK ACCOUNTS. WE SPLIT ALL OF OUR HOUSEHOLD BILLS IN HALF. HE WILL NOT ADD ME TO ANY OF HIS CREDIT CARDS BECAUSE HE THINKS IT IS NOT NEEDED, IF I NEED TO USE HIS CARD I SHOULD JUST ASK HIM AND VICE VERSA. I TRY TO EXPLAIN HOW WE BOTH WILL BENEFIT FROM THIS. I MAKE MORE MONEY THAN HIM AND HAVE LESS BILLS. I THINK HE IS AFRAID TO MAKE ANY FURTHER COMMITMENTS. THERE ARE OTHER ISSUSES BUT THESE ARE THE 2 THAT MAKE ME DOUBT MY DECISION TO MARRY HIM. AS A FINAL THOUGHT I AM NOW AT MY BREAKING POINT. HE HAS NEVER GIVEN ME ANY SIGN THAT HE IS CHEATING. HE IS ALWAYS HOME. HE RARELY GOES OUT WITHOUT ME. HE DOES NOT ASSOCIATE WITH ANY SINGLE GUYS. THERE ARE NO MYSTERIOUS NUMBERS ON HIS PAGER. THERE IS ONE FEMALE WHO IS BEST FRIENDS WITH HIS BEST FRIENDS WIFE. THERE HAS ALWAYS BEEN SOME ATTRACTION BETWEEN THE TWO OF THEM. WHEN WE FIRST MET THERE WERE ON A GROUP TRIP TO THE MOUNTAINS AND SHE MADE A PASS AT HIM. SHE HAS BEEN MARRIED FOR OVER 10 YEARS. BECAUSE SHE IS MARRIED HE REFUSED. ABOUT 3 WEEKS AGO I WENT TO HIS PLACE OF BUSINESS IN WHICH HE OWNS, AND SHE POPS UP. SHE CLAIMED TO BE IN THE AREA AND JUST STOPPED BY TO SAY HI. SHE EXPLAINED SHE WAS ON HER WAY TO HIS BEST FRIENDS HOUSE TO GO TO A GATHERING WITH THEM.SHE STAYED FOR ABOUT 10 MINUTES AND LEFT. ABOUT AN HOUR LATER HIS FRIEND CALLS FROM HIS CELL PHONE. I ANSWERED THE PHONE, WE SPOKE FOR A MINUTE AND I THEN CALLED MY HUSBAND TO THE PHONE. WELL MY HUSBAND PICKED UP THE OTHER LINE AND SOMETHING TOLD ME NOT TO HANG UP. AS I LISTENED TEARS BEGAN TO POUR DOWN MY FACE AS WELL AS A FIRE STARTED IN STOMACH. HIS FRIEND EXPLAINED WHERE THE 3 OF THEM WERE GOING AND THEN EXTENDED AN INVITATION FROM THE FRIEND FOR MY HUSBAND TO JOIN THEM. AS MY HUSBAND SAT IN SILENCE HIS FRIEND INFORMED HIM THAT "TONIGHT IS THE NIGHT IF IT IS GOING TO HAPPEN". I HUNG UP THE PHONE AT THAT POINT AND SO DID MY HUSBAND AFTER DECLINING THE OFFER WITH NO EXPLANATION. HE CLAIMS HIS FRIEND WAS DRINKING AND JOKING. HE FEELS THERE IS A POSSIBILITY THAT THE FRIEND EXTENDED THE INVITATION BASED ONLY ON PAST FLIRTATIONS BEFORE OUR MARRIAGE AND THE FACT THAT SHE HAS BEEN UNHAPPILY MARRIED FOR A LONG TIME. IN AN EFFORT TO GIVE HIM THE BENEFIT OF DOUBT I RETRACTED MY COMMAND FOR HIM TO PACK & LEAVE. OF COURSE THERE WERE SEVERAL CONVERSATIONS AND QUESTIONS. ONE BEING HAS SHE EVER COME TO HIS STORE BEFORE. THE ANSWER WAS YES AND WAS GIVEN WITH A DESCRIPTION OF WHAT TOOK PLACE IN THE 5 MINUTES SHE WAS THERE. ALL INNOCENT CONVERSATION OF COURSE. IN THE MEANTIME I AM CONTINUING TO INVESTIGATE HIS STORY. ONE OF THE WOMEN I SPOKE OF EARLIER THAT IS LIKE A MOTHER TO HIM WORKS AT HIS STORE ALSO. I CALL HER TO GET AN OPINION WITHOUT JUDGEMENT AND IN OUR DISCUSSION SHE GAVE AN ACCOUNT OF THE FRIENDS VISIT AT THIS STORE WHICH WAS COMPLETELY OPPOSITE OF HIS VERSION. ALTHOUGH NOTHING OBVIOUSLY WRONG HAPPENED IT WAS ENOUGHT FOR HIM TO FEEL A NEED TO LIE. HIS DEFENSE FOR THIS LIE WAS THAT I WAS UPSET AND DOUBTING HIM AND HE DID NOT WANT TO ADD TO THAT. THAT DOES NOT MAKE SENSE TO ME BECAUSE THE NIGHT IT HAPPENED, I TOLD HIM I WAS GOING TO INVESTIGATE AND I TOLD HIM TO TELL ME EVERYTHING THERE WAS TO KNOW BEFORE I FOUND OUT ON MY OWN AS A CHANCE TO RESTORE A SMALL PART OF MY FAITH IN HIM. ONE OF THE REASONS I AM STILL VERY DOUBTFUL IS BECAUSE I HAVE 4 VERY CLOSE FRIENDS AND NONE OF THEM WOULD PROPOSITION ME FOR ANYONE ELSE BECAUSE THEY KNOW I WOULD NOT DO IT AND THEY KNOW I WOULD FEEL THAT THEY ARE DISRESPECTING MY MARRIAGE. THIS GUY WAS IN MY WEDDING AND I FEEL BETRAYED BY HIM, HIS WIFE WHO WAS WITH THEM AND BY MY HUSBAND. I FEEL THAT HE HAD TO HAVE KNOWN THERE WAS A POSSIBILITY MY HUSBAND WOULD DO IT. I ALSO FEEL THE STATEMENT HE MADE THAT TONIGHT IS THE NIGHT INDICATED THERE WAS DISCUSSION OF SOMETHING HAPPENING PRIOR TO THAT NIGHT. OKAY IF I HAVE NOT BORED YOU TO DEATH AND YOU ARE STILL READING PLEASE OFFER ANY COMMENTS OR ADVISE IN ANY AREA YOU SEE FIT. AM I OVERACTING OR SHOULD I CUT MY LOSSES AT THIS POINT.<P>------------------<BR>CONFUSED

Welcome <B>MRSH</B>...<P>Before I given you a <B>link</B> to the normal welcome post... a few thoughts...<P>First of all... please don't type in all "CAPITAL" letters... that is usually meant to imply you are <B>yelling</B> at someone... and I know you were not.<P>You are in a pre-discovery stage...<BR>That may mean there is nothing... in the way of an affair...<BR>OR...<BR>there may be the beginnings of one.<P><B>In either case</B>... we at the forum would recommend you start what we call <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi8113_ab.html" TARGET=_blank>Plan A</A>.<P>Continuing your investiagtion is OK... but if you find anything out... <B>do not confront</B> your H with it in an angry way! It is clear you need to know more... and if you respectfully look into it... there should be little your H should be upset about, knowing that what you are concerned about is saving your marriage.<P>What is <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi8113_ab.html" TARGET=_blank>Plan A</A>?... you may be asking.<P> <BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>Plan A: Avoid angry outbursts, disrespectful judgments, selfish demands, annoying behavior and dishonesty (i.e. <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi3400_lovebust.html" TARGET=_blank>Love Busters</A>!) at all costs. (page 75 of <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi6070_sa.html" TARGET=_blank>"Surviving An Affair"(SAA)</A>)...<B>and</B> at the same time, if your spouse would let the you, you should try to meet your spouse's most important <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi3300_needs.html" TARGET=_blank>Emotional Needs</A>. (page 77 of SAA)<HR></BLOCKQUOTE>.<P>This balancing act... while you try to find out what, if anything, in the way of an affiar exists is difficult... but is meant as a "marital" skill builder. <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi8113_ab.html" TARGET=_blank>Plan A</A>... represents 1/2 of <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi3900_rules.html" TARGET=_blank>The Four Rules for a Successful Marriage</A>...i.e.<OL TYPE=1> <BR><LI> <B>The Rule of Protection:</B> Avoid being the cause of your spouse's unhappiness.<BR><LI> <B>The Rule of Care:</B> Meet your spouse's most important <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi3300_needs.html" TARGET=_blank>Emotional Needs</A>.<BR><LI> <B>The Rule of Time:</B> Take time to give your spouse undivided attention.<BR><LI> <B>The Rule of Honesty:</B> Be totally open and honest with your spouse.<BR></OL><P>If anything else I could advise on, beyond starting with a <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi8113_ab.html" TARGET=_blank>Plan A</A>, it would be to start some form of counseling with your H. Preferably, counseling that works off of principles like Marriage Builders. In that counseling... you would want to identify your and your H's most important <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi3300_needs.html" TARGET=_blank>Emotional Needs</A>... and use them as a way to satisfy each other so that no affair could begin.<P>OK... Now for my normal info on good links...<P>I have a post of general welcome post I wish to share with you... <P>It has a lot of quick links to many of the <B>most</B> important MB sites...<BR>Click here ==> <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/forum/Forum29/HTML/000002.html" TARGET=_blank>General Welcome for All New Builders(Newbies)</A><P>For some clarity... a short time ago the "main" forum was divided into 4 separate "sub" forums...<BR>Staying in the <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/cgi-bin/cgiwrap/marriage/forumdisplay.cgi?action=topics&forum=General+Questions&number=28&DaysPrune=10&LastLogin=" TARGET=_blank>General Questions</A> forum will give you the most responses! <P>Keep posting... <P>Jim