<BR>I've been with my husband for 11 yrs married almost 6. Last March he left me for his boss on my B-day while I was 2 mos pregnant with his child. In May he filed for a divorce witch is not final yet. He has only told me that he wasen't happy. I love him very much and can get past the affair but how do I make him see that what he is doing is wrong? Our marriage was normal whatever normal means. We argued our fair share not more than most couples do. No marriage is perfect. We were best friends and our sex life was great in fact our married friends were envious of our relationship. I've tried everything from begging to ignoring him nothing worked. I've read most books out there but nothing I've tried helped in fact it made things worse. I pray often that God will bring us back together, reunite us as a family. I went threw alot of pain and heartache. I cried every day throughout my pregnancy and was all alone. Its amazing that my baby is healthy and not collicy. I thank God for my little girl she has helped me deal with my pain. I would do anything if he would only give us a chance. Yesterday I told him that if he ever has second thoughts even aftr the D is final to talk to me and he said OK. He is still with this woman and she's destroying his life slowly how do I get him back?? Whats the right thing to do? Somethings got to give somebody please help I don't have much time left. Can one person really save a marriage? and how do I start?? Please I need advice I will do whatever it takes to win back the man that I love.....

I share your pain, although only for six weeks. My H left(on xmas) for OW he works with. I would do anything to fix it and our marriage, would have been described similar to yours. I also got the same explanation you did. You can Plan A, like I am, but it takes a long time to see results,from what I am learning. Hopefully some more experienced Plan A'ers will show up with some really good advice, because I need it too!!!

Amanda,<P>I have been asking that very same question:<P>Can one person really save a marriage? and how do I start?? <P>I am trying to do that very thing right now with a man who wants a divorce despite the fact that he loves me but is no longer "in love" with me. I don't know what to tell you except we all know how you feel and it just helps sometimes to have someone who understands. I have a mantra I say to myself, perhaps it will help you too..."No matter what, I will be OK." I know, I know...it's no jewel of wisdom, but it gets me through the days and nights. <P><P>------------------<BR>Blessed be.<BR>****************<BR>Keridwen<P>Keridwen_7@yahoo.com

Welcome <B>Amanda611</B>...<P>Before I given you a <B>link</B> to the normal welcome post... a few thoughts...<P>Can one person save their marriage?... <B>YES</B>! <P>None of us would be here if we didn't have that belief.<P>Is it guaranteed?... <B>NO</B>! <P>The idea that our individual actions can guarantee a result is just not possible. There are several things we will recommend... but in the end the final decision will be made by the wayward spouse(your H). The goal of Marriage Builders is to help you build your marital skills... in an attempt to save your marriage... but if your attempt fails... you have built <B>you</B> up enough for a much healthier relationship in the future.<P>We at the forum would recommend you start with what we call <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi8113_ab.html" TARGET=_blank>Plan A</A>.<P>What is <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi8113_ab.html" TARGET=_blank>Plan A</A>?... you may be asking.<P> <BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>Plan A: Avoid angry outbursts, disrespectful judgments, selfish demands, annoying behavior and dishonesty (i.e. <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi3400_lovebust.html" TARGET=_blank>Love Busters</A>!) at all costs. (page 75 of <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi6070_sa.html" TARGET=_blank>"Surviving An Affair"(SAA)</A>)...<B>and</B> at the same time, if your spouse would let the you, you should try to meet your spouse's most important <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi3300_needs.html" TARGET=_blank>Emotional Needs</A>. (page 77 of SAA)<HR></BLOCKQUOTE>.<P><A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi8113_ab.html" TARGET=_blank>Plan A</A>... in essence, represents 1/2 of <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi3900_rules.html" TARGET=_blank>The Four Rules for a Successful Marriage</A>...i.e.<OL TYPE=1> <BR><LI> <B>The Rule of Protection:</B> Avoid being the cause of your spouse's unhappiness.<BR><LI> <B>The Rule of Care:</B> Meet your spouse's most important <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi3300_needs.html" TARGET=_blank>Emotional Needs</A>.<BR><LI> <B>The Rule of Time:</B> Take time to give your spouse undivided attention.<BR><LI> <B>The Rule of Honesty:</B> Be totally open and honest with your spouse.<BR></OL><P>If anything else I could advise you on, beyond starting with a <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi8113_ab.html" TARGET=_blank>Plan A</A>, it would be to start some form of counseling. Preferably, counseling that works off of principles like Marriage Builders. In that counseling... you would want to identify your and your H's most important <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi3300_needs.html" TARGET=_blank>Emotional Needs</A>... and use them as a way to satisfy each other. <P>How do you satisfy the needs of someone not living with you anymore...<BR><B>That, unfortunately becomes very hard.</B> I too am in that situation... and my W too is pushing very hard to get a divorce.<P>Is whatever contact you now have with your H all "divorce" related?<BR>Is there any other type of contact that involves just you and your H? or with your daughter?<BR>What you need to do is show your H that you have made changes (for the better)... to make you a better alternative to the other woman(OW).<P>Does all this take time?... unfortunately YES<BR>Can you keep <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi8113_ab.html" TARGET=_blank>Plan A</A>-ing anyway?... YES<P>OK... Now for my normal info on good links... <P>I have a post that has a lot of quick links to many of the <B>most</B> important MB sites...<BR>Click here ==> <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/forum/Forum29/HTML/000002.html" TARGET=_blank>General Welcome for All New Builders(Newbies)</A><P>For some clarity... a short time ago the "main" forum was divided into 4 separate "sub" forums...<BR>Staying in the <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/cgi-bin/cgiwrap/marriage/forumdisplay.cgi?action=topics&forum=General+Questions&number=28&DaysPrune=10&LastLogin=" TARGET=_blank>General Questions</A> forum will give you the most responses! <P>I'm sure you'll have a lot more questions...<BR>Keep posting... <P>Jim

Of Course you can get your husband back.<P>I would like to know how his boss is destroying his life, but in the meantime, you need to become the perfect wife. Meet his needs. He is going to have problems with the OW, so listen for them. You will need to talk to him occasionally so do everything you can to listen to him. Find out how the relationship is working. There are bound to be problems with him sleeping with his boss, for goodness sake, they are together all the time. <P>You have the advantage since you have been married to him for 5 years. Make your personal appearance as desirable as possible. Lose any excess weight, get a hairstyle he likes, when he comes over to see the baby, just happen to have his favorite meal ready and let him know that if he would like to stay for supper, he is welcome. Do not put any pressure on him to return, let your unspoken actions tell him that you love him and are the right woman for him. Deposit love units in his bank. <P>Do not give in to your feelings to scream, whine, plead or do anything unattractive. Only do this when you are alone. I know that this sounds difficult, but I know that you can do it. Become the "other woman" to his lover. When you become the best wife you can, your husband will wonder why he ever left you in the first place.<P>May the Lord Bless You and Keep You,<BR>John

Just one more comment to John's fabulous post...<P>Lower any expectations you have of your H responding well (especially to your <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi8113_ab.html" TARGET=_blank>Plan A</A>)...<BR>...it will take some time!<P> <P>Jim

Thank you Jim and John....I am going to take your advice...It sounds easy enough I just hope I can stick to it, its hard trying to hide my pain but I'm going to do it thanks again.....Amanda

Amanda,<P>How about an update? I bet that by now you are starting to get really tired of trying to meet your husband's needs. The hardest thing in the world is to say no to your emotions and do what you know is right. Keep it up!<P>May the Lord Bless You and Keep You<BR>John

Yes its so hard but I'm doing it and I know it takes time but I see his attitude changing toward me. He opened up to me about things going on in his life (not about "her") but about him. I was shocked he was so open. Its only the beginning and I don't want to get my hopes up but it seems to be impacting his emotions. I don't want to push it. I'm not sure how often to call, or if I should wait untill there is a reason like making arrangements to pick up our daughter or divorce related questions. I'm doing good and don't want to push him away. I think that after the divorce is final I'll have a better opportunity because his girlfriend is on her best behavior now in fear that he will leave her and go home if she gets upset with him about anything or argues with him ect...when the divorce in final she will have won and put her guard down and then her true colors will come out anyone who goes after someone who is married obviously has emotional issues that they can't hide forever. When this happens I'll be an open ear for him. Does this make any sense to you??? Am I wrong to think this way??

Amanda,<P>Sounds like you are right in the groove. If you have really got the girlfriend worried, you are on your way. Unless I am completely wrong, fairly soon she will start to demand that your husband choose between you and her. <P>As to a divorce, that might be what it takes. I assure that at least by that time, the girlfriend will start to seem less like a fantasy and more like a regular person. This plan is probably the best you can do. Just identify and meet his needs on a consistent basis and your husband will find himself drawn back to you. <P>I am very impressed. Few women would love their husband enough to continually do what is right when he is doing what is wrong.<P>May the Lord Bless You and Keep You.<BR>John

Yes sometimes I think I'm crazy, but we do have a 10 almost 11 year history. I have so much faith in God that I know it will end up working out for us eventually, I just hope that its soon. Its great how well we're getting along. He's been so nice to me. The only thing is I don't know if I should make him believe that I want the divorce now and that I've moved on or let him know that I still want him back. A friend told me to act as if I don't care and to tell him that I'm seeing someone because it will make him jealous that by him thiking that he can come home whenever he wants he will have a big head and stay away longer and if he thinks that I'm seeing someone or dating that he will prob. think more about us and chances are he'll come to his senses quicker if he ever does in fear of losing me completely. She said that now he has a choice, he knows that if it dosen't work out with the OW he can always go back home that I should make him believe that he dosen't have that choice or that it won't be that easy since he'll believe that I could find someone else. Do you think that this is a good idea??? I'm not sure because its not being honest or does it matter since I'm hurting noone? Help. Should I do it or not? Amanda

Dear Amanda, about your question of dating someone else, and making your husband jealous and thinking about losing you forever...etc. I cannot tell you if you SHOULD or SHOULD NOT do it - but I would like to tell you how I experienced and thought about this 'idea'. <P>When I found out my fiance cheat on me constantly, with no hope to stop his womanizing... I HAD this idea (but never really do it, not even once) to go out to date other men, going out late and do not tell him where I am going... whom I am with... etc. I had this idea because I wanted to let him FEEL what would it be if he is BETRAYED and CHEATED by his spouse - I wanted to let him feel how I feel... <P>However, I did not do anything as I thought. The reason is: I cannot make myself feel comfortable to do those things. I am 100% sure he would be upset if I go out with other men (once or twice when I told him I go out with my girlfriends, he suspected I was lying and sounded very upset and angry and accused me of not teling him honestly if I go out to see guys. Of course I finally could justify to him that I did really go out with girls and he admitted that he was angry because he was jealous and worried). Though I know I can make him upset if I really date others, I just cannot go it - because I always think: "If I do such things, if I go out and date other guys, do the same thing as he does, then where do I have any ground to accuse him of being unfaithful ? How can I accuse him of cheating ? I will lose my faith in the relationship too and it turns out that I won't trust him, and he won't trust me." I always believe, if you have to accuse others, you have to set a good example - if you are doing the same fault, how can you accuse others ? The second reason stops me from dating other guys is that I just cannot accept such thing - I cannot accept the fact that I am living with my fiance but go out to date other guys ? Never dreamt of it. (I see it as a marriage although we do not have a certificate - it sounds silly though)<P>So my words to you is: Do it if you feel comfortable at heart. Do not do it if you know you are not that type of person, if you feel sorry for it.. Do not do something you cannot accept just because of REVENGE. I wish you well. <vicky>