Hi. Have been reading through this web site and through posts here all afternoon, and I'm struggling. I don't <BR>even know how to begin. I've read through the articles about why people have affairs, and I see myself <BR>painted there in such perfect detail. But I don't know what to do, and please forgive me if I say that I don't <BR>buy into it all -- I don't emotionally buy into the basic tenet that I must try everything I can to save my marriage, <BR>that the marriage itself is the most sacred thing at stake here. All I can do is try to deal with the feelings and <BR>however they are is how they are, intellect cannot convince heart of things. I know the moral thing to do is try <BR>to rebuild my marriage, to give up my lover, but my heart isn't convinced of that at all. Not at all.<P>So... have been married for 1 year (no children), been with husband for 8 years (since college), and we lived <BR>together for 3 years prior to our wedding. And I'm having an affair. Yes, co-worker (call him S.). But he lives <BR>in another country, and we met at a business meeting at company headquarters in July. Our relationship started <BR>as months of e-mails, phone calls, chatting, until we finally met up in person some months later (November) <BR>when we worked on a project together in yet another country. I was with him day and night for most of <BR>November, then again in December, and then for a week in January, this time in *my* country, back at <BR>company headquarters. For most of January then I was at home with my husband, and it was hell for me <BR>emotionally, and so 7 days ago, the day after returning from my business trip where I was together with S., I <BR>told my husband. At first I tried to just tell him things weren't working out, leaving out the affair, but the <BR>explanations I was giving were just so lame, so inadequate, because it was a total shock to him. We had never <BR>really aired our issues before (I had never communicated my troubled feelings to him, even as I wished he <BR>would just magically, telepathically realize them so that he would fix them). So I just had to tell him the whole <BR>truth.<P>The past 7 days have been hell. I had no clear idea what I was doing when I told him, hadn't thought anything <BR>through, just knew I was unable to go on like this, with the pretense of loving my husband when there was no <BR>love in me for him, I was dead to him, I had emotionally cut myself off from him for so long. I thought I'd be <BR>out on the street that day, but instead, my husband basically went into Plan A mode (even before he saw MB, <BR>which I'm sure he has now though). I've been rejecting it though. All I want to do is get to that incredible, <BR>incredible joy and bliss and beauty that I have had with S. every time I've seen him, every time I talk to him, <BR>every time I hear his voice. It's been about 7 months of virtually daily contact, and it has made me so happy.<P>So this week I'm still living here, and we've been talking a lot, in between episodes of anger, hugs, shouting, <BR>jokes, divorce threats, pleadings, tears, phone calls, drunkeness, spite, everything across the spectrum. My <BR>husband and I have come to understand the factors that let us to this point. He was not fulfilling my emotional <BR>needs for admiration and respect, sex, domestic support, etc., and I was becoming silently resentful of feeling <BR>like I was giving him so much with nothing in return, and so the potential was there for me, emotionally. (boy, <BR>that feels like such a clinical, cold analysis). And the more I created a friendship with this OM, the more of the <BR>emotional needs he fulfilled in me. Everything that I've read here about why affairs happen makes sense. My <BR>husband and I have been able to talk and communicate about our feelings in a way we never were able to <BR>before (but in the ways that S. and I have been able to from the beginning). So in that way this terrible, terrible <BR>pain has been very good for us. It's been good for him, since he feels like he's grown so much emotionally, <BR>that he could be such a good husband for me.<P>So, we've got all the good makings for a reconciliation, and a good marriage, right? What's the problem <BR>though? My reluctance, emotionally inability to try. I don't have the heart to try right now. I haven't been able <BR>to deal with my husband's attempts to show me how passionate he can be; I am rejecting him. The affair is not <BR>really over, and I know everyone here will urge me to break contact with S., because that path will not end <BR>well, because he is having trouble facing the prospect of leaving *his* wife, because affairs don't usually end <BR>with happy, long-lasting relationships, because I'm in the beginning of a passionate relationship, but passion will <BR>fade and then who knows what I will have ... I know all this. But ... I can't let go of the feeling of that small, <BR>small chance of it working with S., of keeping that happiness, being happy like I've never been (not even in the <BR>beginning) with my husband. What a risk, but part of me (HUGE part of me!) wants to risk everything just for <BR>that. The other (very very small) part of me says stick with what I've got, although in some sense I feel like I'm <BR>"settling" (oh cruel cruel I know). Because S. means everything to me right now.<P>My husband wants me to decide, today. Either I break with S. and make an effort to respond to his Plan A <BR>efforts, or I pack up and drive away tonight, and divorce filings begin. I am so selfish - I wish my husband <BR>would keep up his Plan A efforts even with me keeping my lines of communication open with S., so that I don't <BR>have to make a choice, so that I can keep all my options open. I know that's so not fair, but just expressing <BR>what I'm feeling here ... I feel like right now I would rather lose everything and end up alone rather than give up <BR>OM, but my mind knows that I might regret that. Even with all the new lines of communication with my <BR>husband, I still feel emotionally dead to him (Withdrawal), this really stark separation of my intellect and <BR>emotions. How is it possible for me to be so cold? He calls me soulless, without compassion, particularly <BR>because of the lack of shame or guilt that I feel, but I read here that lack of guilt is not so uncommon after all. <BR>Intellect says things could work, we could have a good "life" together (plenty of other people have worse <BR>marriages and are less compatible than us), but heart says I don't want just a good "life" together, something <BR>OK or even pretty good. I want something that seems unattainable to me right now with my husband, no <BR>matter how hard we "work on it." Something out of this world.<P>So, I don't know what I'm asking here, what any of you will be able to tell me. All I seem to be able to do is <BR>be selfish, go where my heart tells me, be a coward though and not want to totally cut myself off from my <BR>husband. And I feel like my indecisiveness isn't because I love my husband, it's because I'm trying to cover my <BR>bases, in case my relationship with my lover doesn't work out. What a cruel position to put my husband in, but <BR>that's what I want. I feel so empty, and now I have regrets about ever telling him, wishing I could have just <BR>held on with the status quo, so that I wouldn't have to be forced to give up my lover, or to hear my lover tell <BR>me that as much as he loves me, he doesn't know if he can tell his wife, that he doesn't want to string me on <BR>forever, that for my sake, even though it makes him sad, if I have to make a choice today, then I should stay <BR>with my husband. (Please don't tell me what a [censored] S. is as I am not likely to believe you . He is a good <BR>person).<P>Thanks for listening, sorry it's so long ...

Oregano,<P>Just had to respond to your comment, "All I can do is try to deal with the feelings and <BR>however they are is how they are, intellect cannot convince heart of things. I know the moral thing to do is try to rebuild my marriage, to give up my lover, but my heart isn't convinced of that at all. Not at all."<P>As I read your post, I began feeling really sorry for you. You have been desperately decieved into thinking that your heart is what you should listen to. Right now, you are in the emotional throes of an affair which can only end in hurting a whole lot of people. <P>Do you really want your husband to listen to his heart right now? If he is like most men, he wants to find this man and break several of his bones. However, he is doing what he can to salvage your relationship. This indicates that you are very valuable to him. Do you really want to pursue a future with a man you have met only on limited occasions, and only in faraway dreamy places where you can both escape reality? And lastly, do you really want to have a relationship with a man who has already proven that the vows he made to his wife prove absolutely nothing?<P>I assure you that your heart will lead you astray. This person has been able to put on a good face for you through the phone and email, and then when you met him face to face he was more than you ever dreamed. He is able to understand you more than your husband ever could. What you are feeling is nothing new, this story is as old as time. <P>Because you were vulnerable to temptation means that there are problems in your marriage, but I assure you that there will be problems in any relationship you have. You have invested 8 years in a relationship with your husband. I know that right now you are thinking that you don't remember any reasons why you married him, but this is just because you are only remembering the things that support the way that you currently feel about him. <P>Just remember that a man who will cheat on a current wife will certainly cheat on a current girlfriend. That is my two cents worth and I hope that you listened and will avoid a lot of pain by cutting off all contact with this man. <P>May the Lord Bless You and Keep You.<BR>John

Welcome <B>Oregano</B>...<P>You've done your research well... I'll leave my normal welcome link in here just in case...<A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/forum/Forum29/HTML/000002.html" TARGET=_blank>General Welcome for All New Builders(Newbies)</A>.<P>Ok...<BR>First off... it is very good that you even came to this site.<P>One comment I'd like to make...<BR><B>Everyone is a <I>good</I> person...</B><BR>...but even good people make mistakes!<P>And you know... as your were typing your post... that the affair is a mistake... and your OM(S) knows it too... as he cannot tell his own wife. He must hide in shame from what he has done, and is still doing.<P>Do listen and take to heart John's words... They were put together so very well and will most certainly be the sentiments you will get from everyone here.<P>All to often, a new wayward will get many responses from the "betrayed" spouses on this forum... that is to be understood.<P>Let me make a suggestion to you...<BR>...ask for advice from those that have betrayed! They know best your "current" feelings... they know best the route to take... they've been their... and <B>EVERYONE OF THEM</B> will tell you the same thing.... "break off <B>all</B> contact with the OM".<P>Is it because they are smarter than you?... NO!<BR>Is it because they are better than you?... NO!<BR>Is it because of what MB teaches(mostly from here)?... NO!<P>Is it because of what their hearts learned later... month's later... year's later... YES!<P>You're heart is feeling euphoric... happy go lucky... like a little girl's again...<BR>That's not a surprise... <P>The sad part of the feeling will only come if you hang on to it...<BR>...like a little boy... who hangs on to a dream to be a great sports star and years and years later, well into adulthood... thinks it can still happen... and even if no one ridicules him in public... he will eventually ridicule himself.<P>No one can see into the future...<BR>I thank God for that!<P>Niether I, nor you, nor your H, nor S can see your future either...<BR>...but the odds are so terribly much against you... <P>And in your marriage... with what your H is now doing... it has every bit the chance to be better than what you've had with your OM. Your husband (like you think) has or will have soon found this site... and he can make you happier than your wildest dreams.<P>Your making that hard on him now...<BR>almost testing his resolve to come through...<BR>and you know something... he will!<P>Now the question is... can you come through it!<P>Please post to the other <B>waywards</B>...<BR><B>READ</B> their stories...<BR>I've been around here for an average amount of time... about 4 1/2 months...<BR>I've done a lot of posting(not at the record yet... but coming up on it)... and a lot more reading...<P>What really strikes me square between the eyes is that the "pain" I read about from the waywards who have come around... is substantially deeper... incredibly deeper than the "pain" of those who are betrayed. They(waywards) have a much harder time of it. We always feel so sorry for the betrayed(I am betrayed as well)... but in a shorter time... they're(my) pain subsides... the betrayer's pain... if anything increases...<P>Please check out sobeit's(a betrayer's) post...<A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/forum/Forum28/HTML/000634.html" TARGET=_blank>I am still here</A>... and find out for how much longer... <P>Please also check out Guard's(another betrayer's) post...<A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/forum/Forum28/HTML/000579.html" TARGET=_blank>I betrayed my wife for 1 1/2 years and now I think</A>.<P>It is sometimes easy to read through the "concepts" and the "principles" of a site like this... and say... "OK... so what..."<P>But if you get into the lives of some of these more than real people... and see the similarity to your life... then... please... ask yourself... "Should I continue this affair?"...<P>Your heart feel's the "fantasy"...<BR>If you read these 2 posts... maybe... just maybe your heart can see there is another side...<BR>Maybe your heart... can turn back this Valentine's Day... to your husband.<P>I pray for your heart... <BR>I pray for your husband too... to show you he can change for you... and accept your changes for him... <P>Please don't leave the forum...<BR>I don't mean to put you down in any way...<BR>... I wish to help... in lifting you up.<P>A faceless friend on the MB forum,<P>Jim<p>[This message has been edited by NSR (edited February 12, 2000).]

And they lived happily ever after. Just as you've seen yourself portrayed vividly in the "How Affairs Begin" article, know that the r-r-r-r-rest of the story (as Paul Harvey would say) is well documented also.<P>Deep down, you already know what it is. The track record of affair partners having a successful relationship in the long term (married to each other, etc.) is statistically very very slim. The distance of the lover's relationship makes it easy for both of you to be at your best whenever you make contact...there are no boring day-to-day life issues and decisions...and you don't see all the negative qualities of each other which every person has. Full attention and stage performance is the norm, it won't be in a relationship over time.<P>Believe it or not, the problems you are struggling with now will likely be repeated in your next relationship eventually. Overcome them now, the feelings will come later after the hard work is done.<BR>

When your heart just won't listen to reason, when your FEELINGS-of-the-moment are determining your life's course, read the Love Bank concept over and over.<P>I know you already know it but read it again.<P>It's nothing magical. It's simply needs being met over time and your Love Bank balance with your lover exceeded a mystical number. Your account was upgraded from "friendship" to "maddening feelings of bliss". Your husband's account has dwindled down to the "I feel nothing" balance.<P>Somehow, someway, the lover's account will experience some sudden and painful withdrawals. It will be very painful, ridden with guilt, and you will FEEL so stupid when it finally happens.<P>Your husband can slowly, deposit by deposit, bring your account back up to a level you can more than "settle" with.<P>Focus on taking the "whoosh" out of these feelings by simply seeing them for the "cold, calculating" things they are. Love Bank deposits and withdrawals. Figures never lie...but cheating husbands do to doctor the books in their favor.

Oregano,<P>I don't know what to say except thank you for an honest interpretation of what it is like on "the other side" of the affair. These are things I have secretly felt my H thought, (keeping all options open, not ready to give up spouse, not ready to give up your S or in terms here, OM). I have a lot of respect for your ability to honestly say all those things.<P>You probably won't want my opinion as I am the betrayed, but I will offer it to you. I know what your H is going through right now. It is just the absolute worst feeling in the entire world. Since you two don't have kids, you don't know those feelings of when your child is ill. It has been describes as WORSE than if your spouse died. He is under a lot of stress, depression and shock, no matter how good or bad the marriage may have been. I am all for saving any marriage, including one that may have been bad.<P>If you read my story, my marriage wasn't horrible, but this affair truly is taking a toll on me. I think my H is possessed or something. Its like its not him doing these things or I like to blame OW ( not the best thing I know).<P>You will be welcomed here, no matter what your situation is, and a lot of us "betrayed" will be asking you questions too. Jim has mentioned two very good places to start reading. <P>I agree that it is not the best thing to listen to your heart BUT I am doing the same thing on my end. My mind tells me this marriage is over, he left me , be done. My heart tells me I still love him and don't give up. Only you can truly decide in the end. It is good that you are making efforts to become educated on all of this. I am sure you will learn a lot in the weeks to come.<P>Prayers are with you . Dana<BR>