Where do I begin...my husband and I have been together off and on for 7 years and we were finally married in December 98. We have both been married before and I brought one child into the marriage and he brought 4 children. I love them like my own and always have. Over the past 6 years before marriage we lived together and I lied to him about finances. He swore he could never trust me and we went our seperate ways. I was fine on my own financially and did just fine. He dated a couple different women and we eventually got back together--this time I got a STD and he never believed me so I got him a copy of my test result and the ex-girlfriend who claimed her test was negative never did show him proof. Anyways, he moved in with me for a couple months and I went to Florida for Christmas and came back and he wanted to be on his own again--so we left. We still saw eachother and eventually were back hot and heavy again. I was in the hospital with a kidney infection and financially fell behind on a joint loan we had that he put his car for collaterol--they contacted him and said if it wasn't brought up to date they would repo his car. Remember, this was a joint account with us but only under my name because he had terrible credit. He brought it current and vowed he couldn't trust me again. I buckled down, got a part time job and paid all my debts in full. We eventually got back together because he thought I had changed and was better with money. I moved and was fine financially. I had major surgery--hysterectomy--and he eventually moved in with me to help take care of me while out of work. A month after my surgery he realized how much he loved me and I loved him so much, always had, so we got married by the JOP. He promised me before we got married he would be understanding with my hormones and what not and I promised him I would never lie to him about money. Things were okay until 4 months later when he was on me about not pleasing my husband. If I love him I would try harder to please him, I would see more doctors and get more opinions. We started to drift apart. I felt like a failure as a wife in the bedroom. We did all our finances together but I wrote the checks because I had the only checking account--he couldn't open one becasue he had one closed on him. Anyways, this past spring I had written a check for his tool payment at work and 3 weeks later it was returned and the sales rep told him it came back "account closed". My husband confronted me, I called the bank and they couldn't tell me why it happened. We had plenty to cover the check and had never bounced a check. My husband and I made deposits at the bank together after that, made withdrawls and continued to write checks. In the mean time, his ex-wife left her live-in boyfriend and purchased a townhouse, got a full time job and my husband thought that was so wonderful because for the past 5 years she was on welfare and a bum. She was so mean to him with the kids he absolutely hated her but because she was his kids' mother he respected her. They when she went back to school, got a full time job and bought a house he put her on a pedastal, she said she was sorry for all the bad things she said and did over the past years and he said okay with a grain of salt. He started to tell her all our troubles, would talk to her on the phone for 45 minutes a night, go to her house and be there for house just talking. Telling all our troubles. Then in October I wrote a check for our insurance premium and three weeks later I got a message on our voice mail when I came home that the check was returned "account closed". He stated he would be in the office after 7 am the next morning and I could come in and take care of it then. I started making dinner and forgot about telling my husband about the phone message. The next day the agent called in the morning and my husband was still home and he yelled at him stating I wrote a worthless check on a closed account and that he was going to report us to the attorney generals office and that I promised to be in after 7 am to take care of it. I called in the morning to make sure everyone was up and my husband yelled at me stating that I never had any intention of going in to take care of it--I told him I never talked to the agent and that he just left a message. My husband thinks I lied to cover up the message becasue I didn't want him to get mad at me. I was going to tell him after I called the bank the next day and truthfully forgot to tell him that night because our house is so hectic in the evenings with all the kids and homework and everything. A lie to my husband is deliberately not telling him something to hide something. I have absolutely no proof that I was going to tell him. So I went to the bank, closed my account, paid the insurance agent, brought him the remaining money and he opened a checking account under his name only. If that is what he wanted then I was fine with that. We still continued to pay bills together but he would write out the checks. His time spent with his ex-wife got worse and was over at her house more and more. I would of sworn they were having an affair. I would nag at him for spending all this time with her and not me and he would always say she wasn't our problem but the fact that I lied was our problem. I agreed but said she was A problem and that if he respected me enough he would cool it with her and concentrate on us. He said nobody was goint to tell him who he could and couldn't talk to and that he must not respect me enough to want to cool it with her. Over the next months we got by, I did everything to show him how sorry I was and I wanted our marriage to work. We went to marriage counseling (3 joint sessions and an individual one each) and it really did nothing to help us. At times things were good and at times not so good and he would tell me the same thing. New Years came and at midnight we made a promise to one another that we would get through the hard times and be together forever. Two weeks later he told me he was going to his brothers house for a week and would let me know in a week if he wanted a divorce or not. He wanted to get away from me and the situation to think alone. That was hell week for me wondering...<BR>That Wednesday I got a phone call at work from our finance company who we purchased our mini van through and they said out payment was 2 months behind. The auto debit we made the first of December was returned 3 weeks later not paid. I thought that was odd and so did she so I told her I would be there on Friday to pay it. On friday I got there at 5:10 pm and their doors were locked. I tried calling and only got an automated voice maching and couldn't talk to anyone. I tried again Saturday morning and the same thing. Well, guess what? They called my husband at work and yelled for 45 minutes saying I made a promise to be there and didn't show up. I got a call from my husband that night saying he wanted to come over the next day and talk. He came over and started yelling about the van payment and asked why I didn't call and tell him about the phone call in the middle of the week. I told him I vowed to myself not to call him because of the situation and how hurt I was. He said this was different and I should of called after the last phone call I didn't tell him about. He asked for a divorce. My heart dropped and broke in a million pieces. He said he was going to file the next day, which he did. Its been 4 weeks now and I still miss him so much and love him so much and want to try to work on this marriage. He states he did everything possible to save our marriage but I broke something inside of him and he can never trust me again and dosen't want to trust me again. I asked him just last week when he came over to get some things if he still loved me and made him look into my eyes and he said he didn't then immediately looked away and said not to the degree you wish I would. After all we've been through how can someone stop loving someone like that? We've been through so many road blocks and dodged so many obstacles to be together and look?? I think he is numb to the world and so hurt he dosen't like me much right now and he feels betrayed and much anger. Is there hope?<P>------------------<BR>

Welcome <B>kimber</B>...<P>Just a word or two...<BR>Long posts are OK... but it you must... next time break it up into short paragraphs. <P><B>Yes... there is still hope!</B><P>Read the information in the "link" below...<P>I have a post of general welcome post I wish to share with you... <P>It has a lot of quick links to many of the <B>most</B> important MB sites...<BR>Click here ==> <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/forum/Forum29/HTML/000002.html" TARGET=_blank>General Welcome for All New Builders(Newbies)</A><P>For some clarity... a short time ago the "main" forum was divided into 4 separate "sub" forums...<BR>Staying in the <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/cgi-bin/cgiwrap/marriage/forumdisplay.cgi?action=topics&forum=General+Questions&number=28&DaysPrune=10&LastLogin=" TARGET=_blank>General Questions</A> forum will give you the most responses! <P>After you have read the information...<P>Start immediately on <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi8113_ab.html" TARGET=_blank>Plan A</A>...<BR><B>Read and try an understand all of it</B>!<P>If you don't get it... Post questions!<P>You may be in some need of "protection"<BR>If you need to <B>protect</B> yourself legally (and/or financially)... I usually make the recommendation of finding a <B>good</B> attorney. A good place to start off is at the <A HREF="http://lawyers.martindale.com/marhub/form/by.html" TARGET=_blank>Martindale-Hubbell Lawyer Search</A> site. Do a search within your county... look for only "family law" specialists(>80% in divorce/custody/etc.)... make sure they do a lot of "family law committee work"... if they know the judges all the better... You can normally find a few that will give initial counseling free of charge. <B>This is not to expedite the divorce</B>! It's for you to become educated in what you need to survive!<P>I'm praying for you... <BR>It's going to be a rough road ahead...<BR>...but fortunately... there is a "family" here who understands... and is willing to help.<P>Jim

Somehow it didn't surprise me to read in your profile that your relationship started as an affair. As you have probably read, relationships based on deceit rarely last long term.

I replied to another post than found your information, so I will reply on just this one OK?<P>From everything I am learning on this site, it is always a possibility that your H has unresolved feelings for W. You stated she was on welfare for 5 years but you have been together for about 7? What happened in the first divorce, that caused his W to go on welfare. When a couple goes through a divorce it is extremely hard on the W when the H leaves for another woman. Add kids into that and it makes it even worse. I don't know the details, but just because she was on welfare, doesn't make her a bad person.<P>I don't know what your H told you going into the relationship, but when a marriage has trouble, (and all do) and the one spouse runs to another relationship, those problems are never solved. Also there are no new skills for the next relationship to be healthy either. That is why a lot of marriages as a result of affair do end. There are high odds that it won't last. If your H left W abruptly he may still have so much unresolved feelings for her. I have heard of many cases where the spouse goes back to the first marriage. (even after many years)<P>I hope this doesn't hurt you, I am just telling you some things I have learned. You can read Private Lies by DR Pittman and it will explain how your relationship started and why he still has feelings for his first wife. <P>I personally know I love my H very much, and will love him forever, even if I go on. Most of the people here feel the same way. <P>I don't know what else to say except that to try counseling and possibly it will work. From what you said, I would guess he also feels guilt about what HE did to his W when the affair happened. <P>You will find comfort here because the people are very caring. I don't know about Plan A in your situation, maybe someone else who has been in your shoes can offer some advice. Good luck.

I agree with lonelymom when she said that just because his ex-wife was on welfare didn't make her a bad person. Fortunately, I have never been on welfare, but a number of my students have. In virtually every case, they had stayed home to raise the children, and did not have the skills or education necessary to get a job that paid enough to support the children after their husband left, and the husband paid insufficient or no child support. Hearing what these poor women went through brought tears to my eyes - I can't even imagine what it must feel like to have people think they have the right to criticize you for buying a roast to feed your family because you are paying with food stamps!<P>I am lucky enough to have found a flexible, family-friendly job, but many women are not so lucky. Right now I have four kids home sick with the flu, and at least one has been sick for over a week, and there is no end in sight. How can anyone expect a single parent of a large family to work full-time - how many employers would be ok with the parent being out for 1-2 weeks everytime illness makes the rounds among the children?