I am the betrayer. I truly believe I betrayed my spouse because of my own insecurity. I have had a sexual addiction for many years to pornography. I never thought I would be unfaithful, but I was in Jan of 99. I met someone on the internet and we aranged a meeting time. The first time it was physical but did not involve sex. The last time we met was a sexual encounter. I broke off the realtions hip right away. I have been completely faithful since then.<BR>My wife is in a very angry stage right now. I know she needs to vent that anger. It is hard for me for her to be negative with me. I tense up and usually end up getting us into a fight. <BR>I know I need to change some of my selfish ways. I want to change but I don't really know how. Everytime I think I am going to change I end up going back to the old way of things. Are there any good books out there on making a change in behavior patterns? <BR>I know that my sexual addiction tendencies did not just disappear. I know that I need to address these issues too. I have just done everything in my power to not give in to the temptations.<BR>My main need is communication but my second need is having an attractive spouse. My wife is very beautiful. I love the way she looks. We got into a long, long discussion after reading "His Needs, Her, Needs". I rated this need as number two(need for attractive spouse). My wife was pregnant at the time of my affair. After she had this baby she has retained some weight. We talked about how I did have this need. Since then though it has been a very hard subject for me to deal with. I feel like I never should have told her that I need her to be attractive to me. But it is very important to me! I want her to look a certain way and wear certain types of clothes. That is the two important things to me. I feel like a shallow person wanting that from her. <BR>I guess I am just really confused and would like some help and references. I dont just want pat answers or relationship help books, I want real answers and books about help for my problems not ours. I know it is me that needs the help the most. I just want some help! Somebody please, help me!<P>------------------<BR>Still Healing

If you really are devoted to changing yourself and work on it, it will happen, but not overnight. I know nothing about sexual addiction... ( though I feel addicted sometimes ! :-) ) that may take counseling. My H says I am beautiful, and there's been times that he tries to point out clothes that he would like me to wear. But I do not feel comfortable wearing some of those things<BR>(short shirts, where my belly button shows, etc. ) I am a mother and I dont feel its appropriate!! But I would be happy to wear that kind of stuff in our bedroom! You can't change your wife to wear what you would like her to wear, she has to have that taste too.<BR>She needs to be herself.I am sure if she knows you would like an attracctive wife, she will keep her looks up. Tell her shes beautiful. When you like what you see, let her know, so that she will want to coninue to please you.<BR>It might be good to have some counseling for yourself for the sexual addiction. Don't be ashamed, I hear it is common, but people don't talk about it.<BR>Good luck.<p>[This message has been edited by patty co (edited August 22, 1999).]

jsto, I think the best advice at this point is you need counseling alone, then with your wife. There are issues that need to be discussed with a professional. You sound like you have already beat yourself up for needing a beautiful wife, but what you say could actually make her feel even more ugly. We all know when we gain weight, but there is nothing worse than to have someone point it out. What extreme would you or have you gone through with to please her? If she wanted something from you would you turn everything over to get it? I know it is simple to say beauty is only skin deep, your wife is 10 times more beautiful on the inside if she is willing to work with you on your issues. I know looks can be important, but I would much rather be with a man who is loving and kind.

I am the betrayed wife of jsto. In all fairness, I am not "ugly and fat". I am 5'4" and I weigh 150 (5 months postpartum) I am a little overweight, yes. But, I am not entirely unatractive! <P>Part of the problem lies in the fact that my H has a difficult time looking in the mirror. There are issues that need to be dealt with in his life. It is easier for him to avoid negative feelings and change the subject than to face the issues.

jsto, Mark Laaser has an excelent book out on the subject. Its not easy to locate I found it through the library. I cant recal the title but do some checking its available. Good luck

jsto, The Frank Pittman book, "Man Enough", is also good. (if you can find it)

S-<P>I agree. I think his "definition" of attractive is unrealistic because of the influence of porn. I am a stay at home mom of two preschool children and 5 months postpartum. Being 25 pounds overweight at this stage in my life is understandable. I am working at getting the rest of my baby weight off, it's not like I sit around and eat chocolate all day.<P>I also feel that right now it is unfair to say that we need to focus on HIS needs. I am the wounded party in this relationship and feel that he should be bending over backwards to correct the areas in his life that caused his unfaithfulness!! I feel that he should be working on MY needs right now to repair the hurt and rejection he has inflicted on me. Is that asking too much? Am I being unrealistic in my expectations?

Belle and jsto;<P>I'd suggest that you start marriage counseling together, very soon. I'm a big fan of Steve Harley here at MarriageBuilders---counseling is done via the phone, and Steve is a very effective counselor. The MarriageBuilder's principles are behavioral-based, so this is a good place for you to be working on it.<P>jsto: for you to kick your addictions and make new behavioral changes, you must be honest with your wife and be accountable for your actions. I suggest that you get a copy of Harley's book "Surviving an Affair" and go over the sections on accountability and how to recover from the affair. Your primary focus right now should be the elimination of lovebusters (especially as they related to the affair), and meeting your wife's needs.<P>Belle, to help this process, you need to eliminate lovebusters too, and acknowledge your husband's needs. Although it seems reasonable to have your husband bending over backwards to make it up to you---that's not how it works. If you take the time and effort to address the shortcomings in the marriage that you're responsible for, your husband will love you more. If he puts the same effort into the marriage for your benefit, you'll love him too. You have to get on the same page and tackle this problem. As you learn to work together on this marriage, you'll learn how to communicate effectively and honestly, and use the Policy of Joint Agreement to solve problems and make decisions.<P>Steve Harley is an excellent coach for this process---again, I recommend that you both speak to him.<P>

I am seeking counsel. I called today to a local Samaritian center. Thanks for the book suggestions. I will search them out and order them soon.<BR>BelleO.. I love you more than words can say. I want to change and I am doing everything possible to do it. You are everything to me. Thank you for staying with me. I love you!!!<BR>