<BR>I really need to know how to tell if your husband of 30 years is being unfaithful. We have had a very rocky few months and I have tried to discuss emotional needs, etc. with him. He just blows up and says he can't change. I notice this more because I have just retired ( I'm 52 and he's 54). Before I was always busy with school work (teacher) and didn't pay much attention to anything except grading papers, etc. Lately H has stopped touching and will jerk away if I try to touch him when just trying to be a little affectionate. We have always had a satisfying sex life,but now there is nothing. We never kiss or touch eah other. It makes me feel very unwanted. Once I mentioned something about our lack of affection and H just said that WE were too old. He spends most of his day at work or goes out occasionally with his male friends. Anyway I have been very paronoid about a possibility of infidelity, but I don't know how to tell. I don't talk to him about US anymore because he takes it all very personal and gets quite hostile. What do I need to do to put my mind at ease? I feel like he is using sex as a punishment because that's something he can control.

First and foremost I would make sure that something isn't wrong with him in "that" department (impotent) You know how guys get about that kind of thing. Re-examining your emotional needs isn't meaning you have to change, just re-evaluating. Needs change all the time and it is great to update them. I know quite a few women who thought the same thing only to find out that he was having problems "down" there. Good luck

Thanks for the advice. I had already considerate that aspect of the problem. The only problem is that this is abrupt and has happened since I tried to confront him with our lack of communication. It seems that we are drifting apart and never tease or play around anymore. After our last "discussion" he ask me if I wanted him to leave. My reply was maybe you should.I was very angry at him to even suggest leaving as a solution. I said maybe we need a counselor to which he didnot reply. He packed his bag and stated that I could tell my youngest daughter, who wasflying home for Thanksgiving, that we were getting a divorce. I said sounds like you want one and there was no reply. I called him the next day to say that we owed our daughter more since she wasn't the problem. He came back and has not left again, but has also not mentioned the problem. He is avoiding the whole issue. So you see I am not exactly enthusiastic aboutbringing the topic up again due to his outbursts. When I said he didn't treat me right he said He thought he treated me pretty good. Also when mentioning if he loved me he said "I've been married to you for 30 years". I feel totally lost as to what should come next.

linlin-<P>Some additional reading and tools to help you help your relationship.<P>"Clues" that your Partner is Having an Affair <BR>by Peggy Vaughan<P>The first signals of an affair are seldom the stereotypical signs we first consider. They're usually much more subtle, more of an intuitive reaction to changes in a partner's behavior—a sense that "something is different." No matter how careful a person is to hide an affair, these "clues" can't be easily concealed. <P>Pulling Away: when you sense your partner pulling away—creating an emotional distance between you (because they now need to protect a secret).<P>Changes in Normal Patterns of Behavior: spending more time away from home, paying more attention to their appearance, being less attentive, being less (or more) interested in sex… <P>Comments or Actions that are "Out of Character:" making casual comments about new, unfamiliar interests or acting in unfamiliar ways (like becoming more outgoing, less serious). <P>Being Irritable, Vague, Distracted, "In Their Own World:" ignoring or criticizing any effort you make to question their actions or even engage them in discussing personal issues. <P>Your own rationalization: if you are repeatedly discounting clues of an affair and trying to convince yourself that YOUR partner wouldn't have an affair, this may be the biggest clue of all. <P>WARNING: These are only clues (not proof) that your partner is having an affair; so it's wise not to jump to conclusions. Other possible reasons for these behaviors include concerns about health, aging, or finances. But whatever the reason for these changes, they probably indicate a problem that needs to be addressed.<P> Adapted from The Monogamy Myth, Copyright © 1998 Peggy Vaughan.

Just a brief comment...when i asked my H if anything was going on between him and my "friend" his reply was, "You are my wife. I am here with you". They had been seeing each other for about 4 months at that point. Just an observation...

linlin,<P>We had been married for 30 years too when I found out about the affair. If you have doubts my advice to you is to begin being your own detective. He probably won't tell you, at least thats the general senario. There are things you can do if you are suspicious, you owe it to yourself and your marriage to find out what the problem is. I wish I hadn't been so easily swayed from investigating my fears, when I finally found out it had already been going on for many years. Anyone is capable of falling to this most dispicable sin. Don't be afraid to find out, be afraid to not find out.<P>------------------<BR>eyes wide open<BR>

linlin,<BR> Taj is right; you will have to do some investigating, but <B>do NOT let your H know you are doing it!!</B><P> My H was behaving very much like your H in 1998. He still denies that he has been having an affair with the woman I suspect or anyone else, but did finally admit to a 1-night stand over 13 years ago. I do think that he stopped whatever was going on after I confronted him with it just over a year ago.<P> Things are somewhat better now. He is showing me some affection (although it's slacked off from what he was showing me immediately after I came back home {from when I walked out on him in August}), and our sex life is getting back to normal. He tells me that he loves me. Right now, though, I still feel like he's only trying to keep me from leaving and taking half our assets. I also feel like he still doesn't like kissing me much. Other than during lovemaking, all I get are 3-4 quick pecks in a row.<P> We saw the suspected OW at a Halloween party, which I think may have thrown him back into withdrawal. It doesn't help any to know that she and her BF broke up right after the party. I don't know if H knows that or not, and I'm not about to tell him!

Thanks so much for the insights. My H is also spending a lot more time in bars with his male friends especially if I'm gone overnight to my mothers. He tells me that I don't spend enough time with her. He always says he is discussing business when I asked what he's doing. I too cannot imagine that he is unfaithful or that he finds time to be. He does own his own business and spends all day in his truck. He treats me like I'm crazy if I try to talk to him about our marriage or that we never do anything together. I have begun to investigate, but he is very careful. He did go to Hooters recently and told me when I ask, although he knows I don't approve. I thought this was very vindictive.

Well, linlin, it seems to me that maybe you need to make a bogus overnight trip to your mom's, but make sure you're "covered" in case your H calls there. Maybe you could cook up a story about taking your mom to visit a distant relative.... (yeah, I know..it's not honest, but how else to snoop?)<BR>Then, get a wig, and some clothes that he won't recognize, and rent a car. Follow him. Maybe you could get someone (maybe a friend that he doesn't know?) to check out the inside of those bars, if that's really where he goes.

Hate to add more fuel to the fire but I was also married for 30 years and discovered my H's affair. It doesn't sound good, linlin. Follow your instincts. They are usually right. If I had been more aggressive about following my instincts, my H's affair would have been very short. Don't let time pass or figure this will all work inself out. Investigate!

Where do all of you people come from? Just kidding. How about 28 years married and dated another three. I am your "H". I did the exact same things to my wife (who would never cheat on me). Well, guess what! If you have read any of my posts you know our story. She was just recently forced to tell me of an affair she has been having for 2+ years. It has nearly "killed" both of us. And as I told her... a part of me died. I have unconditionally forgiven her. She could see the hurt in my eyes every time she looked at me. Her guilt was almost unbearable. Well, after posting and replying to posts on this board for two weeks or so I (knowing that I must be honest with her in order for us to rebuild what we had lost) told her of my affairs during our marriage. This revalation was maybe even more hurting to her. Neither of us have any feeling for OP, they are all out of the picture. What a price we had to pay to make ourselves understand and show our real love for each other. Ask your husband to read my story. He may not have pushed you into someone else's arms as I did my wife but, if he loves you the time is now to begin showing it for the rest of your lives. God makes miracles happen for a reason. We now have one of our own. I love my wife very much and cannot tell her enough. I don't just lay there beside her in bed ignoring her anymore either. I hug her every chance I get. We all make mistakes. We just have to be strong enough to admit them when they affect the one we love. If I could relive the last twenty years I would ask that my wife would have had the strength to come to me to discuss how she felt about the way I treated her or pushed her away. Lies are more cruel than actions. You have to build on honesty. Sorry for rambling, but I relate to your husband so much.<P>_____________________________________________<BR>"It's the little things that mean so much!"