First off: Alex, I just thought you'd find it interesting that my birthday is April 1st too!! I will turn 36 with this one. Cracked up when I read that! <BR>Now the hard stuff: I am having a hard day today- H and I got into some stuff this morning related to my sexual orientation. Very simply put: I was unable to have an orgasm last night and it has become a loaded issue for us both- which is not helping!! Everything pretty much has been really good- and we have had plenty of good sex in our recovery- but I guess there is still an undercurrent regarding who I really am. I said to him this morning: "I'm not sure I want to explore that issue- what am I going to do with the answer?" He is afraid that no matter what he does- it may not be enough. And sometimes I am afraid that it could be true- I still have feelings for the other one and that makes it hard for me to be objective about any of this right now. I almost think your wives are far more courageous than me because they seem to just be going after what they want- I am afraid that maybe I am just a coward. But that is just my feeling for today- tomorrow will be another day and I will probably be sure I've done the right thing for me. I keep having to tell myself that feelings are not facts- and that they change. I am still in withdrawal and that may be all this is- I keep hoping it will get better- but what happens is that when things are a little tough with H- I really miss her so much. I'm sure this is typical. So, I have just rambled on about nothing and have probably depressed you both- but let's keep in touch and see what happens.

Sorry Spooknook, I'm elbowing into your post. My H is the "bi" one. Often he fails to achieve orgasm vaginally, it used to make me feel like a failure, like he really wanted something else. I've managed to relax a bit about it, we are older and are learning to focus more on pleasure than orgasm. <P>Maybe this could help your husband too, you have thoughts, so does my husband.<BR>No one can completely control those ideas. You are not acting on them, nor is my H, both of you are acting with us. Not every encounter is going to be ecstatic, it would not be with anybody. If there is the intent to give pleasure and to recieve it, relax and enjoy it.<P>Hang in there Spook, Don't let too much hang on one experience (of any sort). I'm<BR>sure you will eventually make the decision that is best for both of you.<P>Take very good care of yourself

Hanora-<BR>by all means: elbow on in! Any advice is surely welcome here! Thanks for sharing your situation- I wonder how did your H come to terms with his sexuality? Does he still wonder? I guess I will always wonder- but at the same time I don't have any desire to go out and find me some other woman. I wanted the one I fell in love with and that was not a possibility. My H is the only man for me- that I am sure about!

W is with OP tonight- they went to dinner & I guess they're having "dessert" right now. I went for coffee with a female friend (I know it's against MB "rules"). She has a MD in Psychoanalysis and is in town for business reasons, said she'll check which specialist of this area maybe of help. One reason is that I'm giving up on my W (I'll post a short note about it). It's not that I don't love her, it's that I have a life to live and she has hers. If our paths cross again someday (as a couple) so be it, but basically it takes 2 to gather. I have decided to stop working on a relationship that for her is non existent.<P>spooknook: you know that much of the physical relationship between 2 women is what we call "foreplay", this can be worked out by communicating your H what makes you feel more comfortable (not wanting to get too intimate here, but probably you like clitoris orgasms better than vaginal ones- it's something to talk & resolve by you & your H); the emotional part is harder to overcome because it involves different feelings. As a man I can feel more comfortable talking with another man, things are just easier, he understands me, he can be my buddy, but for us it takes more effort to work in a relationship with a woman. The same applies to women when you relate to men. The question would be, how can a bisexual individual be aware and comfortable with his/her sexuality while committing with someone of the opposite sex? The answer is so personal that I don't believe 2 given situations can perfectly match. There's always "something more" out there even in heterosexual relationships… the grass is always greener at the other side of the fence…, BUT I truly believe that real happiness is not having what you want but rather wanting what you have. We can make hell or heaven- it's up to us. The best choice is not always "the easy one"- to walk away, in fact this could be the most painful & difficult of all because it affects your loved ones and doesn't solve the problems that put us on the spot to begin with.<P>ALEX<P>APRIL 1ST????? <P>------------------<BR>Live and learn (but when?)

Hi Spooknook,<P>No one can speak for another on how they came to terms with their sexuality. I can say that it did not happen overnight, it involved a great deal of introspection, and a certain amount of pain for both of us.<P>Some of us who are straight as arrows still have aspects of our sexuality that are disturbing. Some women have rape fantasies although they would never want to be raped. I think you and your husband are much further along than it feels like. You have revealed yourself to him, he is a bit uneasy, but still there.<P>About always wondering, no he doesn't, he doesn't think in terms of what might have been. According to him all he ever really wanted was for me to understand a degree of duality and accept it as part of him. Not for me to accept his acting it out.<P>Seems to me you guys have gone further and faster. Hope this makes some sense and I will be thinking of you.