<BR>I'm sure everyone has a sob story to tell after the dreaded V-Day!!!<P>After I spent the day receiving candy and gifts from the (Moms) kids at the Pre-School,<BR>I took my D(who's in College) a candy bouquet and left it at her Dorm. I had given my other D hers that morning before school. I also signed both our names on the cards like I always do. <P>I really didn't expect anything from H,( didn't want to set myself up for a big let down) for the past 2 yrs. I haven't gotten anything from him anyway.<P>I sent him a balloon bouquet at work, and in his lunch a card with candy.<P>Well he came home with a plant and a bottle of wine, he knows I like wine. (I was totally suprised) I thanked him but didn't want to question the gesture right then.<P>This morning I thanked him again but said I didn't want to read anything into it and asked him if it changed anything? He said he was just being nice,(Felt guilty maybe????)<P>but he was still looking for a place to move, he just was having trouble finding the time to look he didn't want to do it on weekends, for some reason that I can't remember how he put it<BR>because I blocked it out when tears came to my eyes and it wasn't what I wanted to hear.<BR> He said he likes living here and he's sorry he's messed that up. BOY DID HE!<P> I couldn't keep the tears away so I told him goodbye.<P>I did get him to finally give me the emotional needs survey that I asked him to fill out last week.<P>I asked him to do that so I could figure out what went wrong so long ago.<BR>I know if I had said I wanted it to figure out his needs so I could work on this marriage he wouldn't have filled it out. He doesn't want to work on saving the marriage.<P>Well surprised me!!! and it should't have.<BR>Admiration was big on his list, and he sure hasn't gotten that from me in a long time <P>I think back on our years together and all the digs or nasty coments I've made the embarresing(to him) stories I've told people, <BR> BAD WIFE,BAD WIFE no soup for you, come back one year!<P>Well now I know and it's probably too late to change that. <P>I thought I would write him a note, (since I can't talk without crying) and let him know that I'm sorry and that I now realize I didn't give him the admiration he deserved,(without mentioning that I didn't admire him because I knew what he was up to for all those years.) <P>So what cha think? Any suggestions, comments, or just plain advice? <P>I know he still has to move out tho, I really think he needs that to figure out what he really wants. He knows what I want!!!!!!!!! <BR><P>------------------<BR>Peg

If you can't do plan A anymore without losing all your love, it may be right for him to move. You do risk pushing him away, but I don't know all your story.<P>It seems to be a bad cycle we get in. We find it impossible to love and respect them because of the things they do, so they (or at least my h) stop loving us. In hindsight, I too see, that what he needed most was to be loved and accepted as he was. That's why in not being able to share EA #1 with me, he left himself wide open for #2.<P>He could share with her what a cheat and fraud he was, and still be loved and given loads of admiration. (She was very young.)<P>While my h has ended the EMA, I'm with you in wondering how I can make him feel loved and accepted, and admired. That's why I feel the frustration in my thread. If I could meet these needs, I think our recovery would go much better.

My husband has an emotional need of admiration.... Although he's never told me that, I guess, I'm figuring this out.<P>That means that my husband will typically lie to me to impress me, so he can get some sort of false feeling of admiration.... so it helps me to understand why he does some of the rotten things that he does.<P>But, he's getting better. <P>Peggy, your situation is not near as hopeless as you think it is! What is your goal? Work toward it. Put your emotions aside, and keep your eyes on the goal! You have lots to work with.<P>I think you have a husband that really loves you, and that you and him should drop the subject of him moving out. <P>Don't bring up moving out again, or demand from him his feelings. Work towards making him feel confident that he is an admirable man. Make him feel safe. Eventually, when he knows that you really really are that loving safe person, he will start to share how he feels on his own, and his feelings will change. <P>So, keep your eyes on your goal. Not how you feel. Okay? <P>God Bless you,<BR>TNT

Hi Peggy,<P>I'm glad that your H got you something for Valentine's day. See! He does care about you...and I'm sure he still loves you too!<P>How about writing him a nice letter about how you feel about him? I think you can still Plan A. Also, don't mention moving out. You don't want to remind him of that thought.