Hello everyone,<P>I was wondering if demanding truth is an LB.<BR>I know enough not to demand that H stop certain behaviors. I cannot force him to stop, but am I being unreasonable to demand honesty and truth out of him? <P>He has lied so much to me since Nov. when he told me of infidelity and yesterday I noticed he took the wedding ring off I gave him on our wedding anniversary this past Dec. He did admit to this when I asked him about it, but said he took it off so he wouldn't scratch it. He had stated before when I gave him the ring that he would never take it off for any reason and it might get scratched up but it would always remain on his finger. Now he uses the excuse he was afraid he would get it scratched. After all the other lies I keep catching him in and now this. He is upset with me because I am not sure if I can believe him on this ring business, but when someone keeps lying what else am I suppose to think? So is it being unreasonable of me to demand the truth from now on and if he continues to lie to me is it unreasonable of me to tell him we need to be apart?<P>The reason I ask this is I am so tired of being lied to and how can we begin to reconstruct anything together when he is not being honest with me. <p>[This message has been edited by devastated2 (edited February 17, 2000).]

Geez!!! <P>Here is the rule.... <P>Reason isn't a requirement for a lovebuster!!!<P>Spouse defines the lovebuster. Now that is cruel, huh? Especially when we are talking about reasonable things - such as truth?<P>And, you aren't working in recovery or trying to rebuild when there isn't a true commitment. That is what plan A is all about, getting the spouse to fall in love with you again, so that you can start to recover. <P>So recovery really begins when there is a commitment from both spouses, and then you graduate from plan A to "Basic Concepts."<P>Until then, your spouse defines the lovebusters, and there really isn't any negotiating. And in their frame of mind, they are not using reason.<P>TNT

devastated2,<BR>It is for my W. I just want to know the whole truth so that I can heal my wounds. I tried explaining this to her but to no avail.<P>------------------<BR><B><I>God Bless,<BR>Rob</I></B><BR> regilmor@swbell.net

TNT,<P>Thank you for replying, I don't feel I have a true commitment here. Not yet anyway.<P>Professorg,<P>That is exactly how I feel and I have told my H this so many times. He says he understands and then goes right back into his old habits and lies to me. How can I(we) possible get to any place of security when this keeps happening? Plus, I have to bite my tongue when H says, "Does this mean I can never do ( such and such) again?" For example, he took off from work one day this week and lied to me saying he took off a couple of hours early. Actually, I found out he took off 6 hours early. Why lie about this to me? Unless he was up to something he didn't want me to know. See what I mean?<p>[This message has been edited by devastated2 (edited February 17, 2000).]

Dev2,<P>I don't klnow what to do about this. Your H is lying to cover up the porn issues. You know he doesn't want to tell you the truth, becuase then he would have to admit what he has been doing. <P>One thing is abundantly clear...you guys can NEVER recover until he learns how to tell the truth!!!<P>I'm still praying, Dev...<P>Desiree<P>------------------<BR>"Life is made up, not of great sacrifices or duties, but of little things in which smiles and kindnesses and small obligations, given habitually, are what win and preserve the heart and secure comfort."<P>Sir Humphry Davy<BR>

I personally don't think voicing your concerns over the truth or not is lovebusting. Being in the position you are in and being put there by your betraying spouse gives you certain rights to question things and to explain to the spouse your reasoning behind these questions. You just want to work things out carefully and you need support from this spouse for it to work. How is the spouse supposed to react to your feelings unless you express them?<BR>I'm not saying you should be screaming at them and telling them you feel like they're lying to you but you should say in a non-lovebusting way, Hey, I need you to reassure me that things are ok with us.....I remember you saying that you would never take this ring off and now your doing it, could you help me to understand this? He should understand at that point what's up.<BR>I pray this works for you, it did for me when I needed reassurances. God Bless!<P>------------------<BR>Chick's <BR>Bren<P>You won't see things until your ready to not be blind!

Hey D,<BR>Remember too, that in some situations, it is almost impossible for people to be able to acknowledge and admit to truth until they ADMIT that there is an issue they NEED to be truthful about first - and that they are honest about their desire to deal with it. Actions speak louder than words sometimes. Words, including lies come easier to some people than positive actions <BR>Cheers,<BR>Lisa