I believe my W affair is over, but she still sees the OM at work from 1-2 times per week. <P>My problem is now she says she doesn't love me and doesn't want to work on our marriage. She's seeing a counselor to work on herself and now it seems that's all she thinks about...herself. She spends less time with the kids thinking of any reason to get out of the house on the weekends. She usually ends up shopping...for herself. She was gone most of yesterday looking for an apartment (we're probably going to try some sort of separation arrangement) and then today told me she needed to go out and get some school supplies for one of our children. Instead she comes home with "supplies" from Victoria's Secret. No school supplies in sight. I feel i was lied to so she could get out of the house again. <P>I tired of her selfishness and lies. Does this sound like time for Plan B to anyone out there. <P>I would go to the ends of the earth to protect my kids from the heartache of divorce, but i don't know my W anymore and she is making it soooo hard to love her.<P>Any and all suggestions are welcome.<P>

Are you sure her affair is over? All the disappearing acts and the Victoria's Secret stuff (that I presume she doesn't use with you) are suspicious.<P>Anyway, if you feel that you're losing your love for your wife, maybe Plan B is the option you need to choose.

Based on the book Surviving an Affair, there is almost no way her affair is over if she is still seeing/talking to him in any way even at work. The addiction/temptation is too big for anyone. I agree with sweetpea, the VS stuff is probably not just for her, you know it is usually for the man anyway. My wife did the whole, I am shopping by "myself" for 4-5 hours on two separate Sundays when the affair first started. I know now this is typical affair behavior, and now we are separated not for her to think things over (her words) but to have easier access to her affair. Plan B, may be your only hope especially if she will not stop seeing the OM and you have tried Plan A for awhile. The reality still has not hit her, and plan B will be tough for you, but it may be your only hope. And yes as we lose ourlove for our wives, the book basically says when you decide to give reconciliatioin a chance neither of you have much love left for each other.

First, thanks to all for your responses.<P>To further explain my belief that the affair is over, the OM's W and I are in frequent contact to verify the activity of our spouses. By doing this we've made it difficult if not impossible for them to get together other than perhaps at lunch. <P>Also, when i finally contacted OM's W and she confronted him, he immediately stopped all non-work related contact w/my W. Nevertheless, OM and his W are having serious problems in their marriage as he says he loves her, but is unwilling to work very hard at meeting her needs. They're in a structured marrige rebuilding program, but his dedication is hot-n-cold.<P>As for the Victoria's Secret stuff, it was just regular underwear and she has lost enough weight that her old stuff didn't fit anymore. At least that's all i saw. <P>I know, i know, i'm rationalizing. Let me be clear. I DO think the physical aspect of the affair is over, but because the work related contact continues i feel my W is constantly reminded of the feelings she had for OM and then naturally compares these feelings to how she feels towards me. It's as if she got a little taste of "romance" at a time when i had been neglectful for many years and now she has no interest in working on discovering that "romance" in our marriage. All my efforts in Plan A only got me was "i'm not happy", "i feel like we're just friends", and "i think we need to separate." <P>I'm close to giving this thing up. I've been in it since Feb, and my sanity can't take much more. She used to be a really great mother, but recently seems more concerned with herself than even the children. With her income, life w/o me will be difficult even with joint custody child support. I'm wondering if my only hope is that she will find our life more attractive once she gets out and experiences the real world.<P>I'm thinking Plan B could offer that experience.

I think the affair is still going on too. My wife told me two years ago hers was "strictly emotional" and was over. Well BOOM I find out a week ago, there was sex the whole time and two years ago when I discovered it... All I did was teach them how to hide it better. Now she wants to leave me and the boys to be with her new LOVE... She says I can't change how she "feels" for him. I said, what's the RIGHT thing to do... and she said "right for who?" Meaning the marriage is right for me and the kids but not for her. Anyway, IMO the affair is still on for your W too and you shouldn't kid yourself. I rationalized and denied for two years and now find myself in a much more difficult situation. <P>Don't kid yourself

You don't necessarily have to do plan B if she moves out.<P>You can continue in plan a until you feel like continuing with plan a is making you lose your love for your wife.<P>The second time my h moved out I tried a sort of plan b. I didn't call him all the time but we still had to communicate because of our children. We still saw each other. He got angry and distant and that was not what I was trying to achieve. I was trying to distance myself because it hurt to much. You have to do what you feel is right in your situation.

nlitend, Wow, our situations are scarily similar. My W tearfully confessed to the affair several weeks ago, indicating it is over. But the self-absorbed behavior - at the expense of our kids, mainly - continues. As does her determination to get divorced, to "have her own life," to get as much money from me as possible in the settlement. And, despite my very plainly indicating my interest in reconciliation, she has shown no interest whatsoever. I've been in plan b since May, and hoped that the end of the affair was a signal for better things to come. So far, not so. It has helped me to have a committed inner circle of 5 or so folks praying for me every day. They know enough about my situation to pray very forcefully and specifically. It hasn't changed the divorce, but I believe it is changing me, making me more like Christ in all of this mess. Just a thought.

I just wanted to say, when I was seeing OM, I went shopping frequently and found reasons to get out of the house.<P>I don't want to be the bearer of bad tidings, but I doubt the affair is over.<P>You're in my prayers.<P>Tracy<P>------------------<BR>"I can do all things through Christ, who strengthens me."